SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Recently (yesterday) posted here about my sister's affair, and my dilemma of if/how/when/to who to expose her affair. One thing she keeps telling me is that it was "just once". I feel like that's probably a lie. I know for sure she has kissed him (idk how many times or other details) and slept with him (know no details on this one, but she's verbally admitted it). She said it was just once. and again when I confronted her the first time last week, she kept saying she slept with her co worker just once, so it wasn't a big deal.

Does that change how bad the affair is/was? What if she stops sleeping with the guy after the one time? Will it do more harm than good to their families to expose it if everyone can just go back to normal?

I know this might be a stupid question. My gut says it doesn't matter and that cheating is cheating is cheating. But maybe I am wrong? Maybe it is not as big of a deal because it was 'just once'.

Again, apologies for any stupid questions, and for sounding reluctant to expose my sister's affair. I am just trying to get all my thoughts together. There's a lot of wisdom and experience here, and I am grateful for the insight provided.

That's a common lie cheaters typically tell their BS, when they're caught.

Regardless, no,it doesn't matter. She had sex with another man,and is having an affair with him. I bet that's all that will matter to their spouses.

Also..affairs are not one big decision. There are literally 1000s of decisions, and actions,leading up to,and during,an affair.

Unless it was a ONS..it's almost always "more than once."

Completely out of "The Cheaters Handbook". We see this response from almost all cheaters. Its a way to minimize her A. She said "he makes me happy", and admits to sex, that is an EA / PA. It's like saying "I only pissed in one end of the pool".

There is no going back to normal, when a spouse has cheated. Even if it wasn't exposed.

A BS typically knows something is wrong,but they don't know what. They're told it's nothing, which the BS knows isn't true. Or, they're told it's their fault. So the BS wears themselves out, trying to woo their Ws.

Every person Deserves to make their life choices, based on reality. They deserve their agency. When they are kept in the dark, they make huge life decisions with a person who can't be trusted to do what's best for them.

Right now, you are an accomplice in their affair. You know your BIL is depressed, and full of anxiety, because he's being lied to,and he knows it..he's just not sure what's going on. It's a scary place to be.

Another thing to consider..if she gets away with it,she will do it again. Why wouldn't she? She has zero remorse.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:23 AM, Friday, December 1st]

Once is one time too many for quite a few things, and infidelity/betrayal is one of them.

'It was just once' could be applied to inflicting injury on someone (drove over them once, shot them once, stabbed them once, etc) does not minimise the action one bit.

Anyway, cheaters lie (the common denominator of cheaters), and it is highly unlikely it was 'just once".

Heed HellFire’s words:

That's a common lie cheaters typically tell their BS, when they're caught.

Regardless, no,it doesn't matter. She had sex with another man,and is having an affair with him. I bet that's all that will matter to their spouses.

Also..affairs are not one big decision. There are literally 1000s of decisions, and actions,leading up to,and during,an affair.

Unless it was a ONS..it's almost always "more than once."

Your sister has "crossed the Rubicon". Period.

When I confronted my WW, I had the name of a suspected AP. When I mentioned the name, she said she "didn’t know who that is". I reminded her he was a coworker of hers at the time of the affair. The next day, she admitted she had slept with him but it was "only once and I was really drunk". Now it is true that she only slept with him once (I have reason to believe this I won’t go into here) and she was drunk. BUT, they had been flirting for weeks at work in the smoking pit (she was supposed to have quit smoking too. Liars lie.) and arranged to meet at his house while his wife was out of town. She was out drinking with another friend when she "got the call", drove to his house, screwed him and sat talking on the porch afterward. Hardly a "drunken ONS". Like HF says "literally 1000s of decisions". This interlude wound up being discovered by AP’s wife, AP and my wife got in trouble at work, AP got divorced (serial cheater) but no one bothered to tell ME at the time (I’m looking at you OP)! My WW had what she calls multiple ONS. None were drunken hookups in a bar with a stranger. ALL involved days or weeks of flirting, inappropriate behavior culminating in one instance of intercourse whereupon my WW would promptly "ghost" AP. WW was like a black widow pursuing men to see "if she was attractive enough to sleep with her" then when "validated" she moved on. Sick game.

More HellFire wisdom:

There is no going back to normal, when a spouse has cheated. Even if it wasn't exposed.

A BS typically knows something is wrong,but they don't know what. They're told it's nothing, which the BS knows isn't true. Or, they're told it's their fault. So the BS wears themselves out, trying to woo their Ws.

Every person Deserves to make their life choices, based on reality. They deserve their agency. When they are kept in the dark, they make huge life decisions with a person who can't be trusted to do what's best for them.

Right now, you are an accomplice in their affair. You know your BIL is depressed, and full of anxiety, because he's being lied to,and he knows it..he's just not sure what's going on. It's a scary place to be.

Another thing to consider..if she gets away with it,she will do it again. Why wouldn't she? She has zero remorse.

My WW was a serial cheater. She had a "tell" where she would treat me cold, withhold sex and tell me "she didn’t think she loved me". This was ALWAYS after she had cheated or started inappropriate contact with an AP. Horrible people cheat. She isn’t a horrible person. There must be a reason. Sabotage the relationship to "prove" she is unhappy. After D-Day, when I learned about her affairs, every time I suspected her of cheating, she was. Always lied and denied. But then she "honed her craft". I never had a clue about her last 3 affairs.

These words are the MOST impactful for me:

"Every person Deserves to make their life choices, based on reality. They deserve their agency. When they are kept in the dark, they make huge life decisions with a person who can't be trusted to do what's best for them."

I caught my wife in an EA in 1986. She left but then asked to return. I agreed if she went NC with her EAP. She agreed. She didn’t. My daughter was conceived while my wife was in an active affair. I had to DNA test my 35 year old daughter. That was pure hell. Now, she IS my biological daughter. But she was not "conceived in love". That’s a HUGE life decision I made with incomplete/inaccurate information about my life. I would have never stayed with my wife had I known she was continuing her affair let alone had another child with her. My WW had 7 more affairs after that one. Cheaters cheat. My life was stolen from me. Other people knew, no one told me. Don’t be "that person".

Your sister has a cavalier attitude about cheating. It’s highly unlikely there was only one instance of sex (most men will bail if that’s the case) and it’s also highly likely this isn’t her first affair and with this attitude, will definitely not be the last.

I get you are risking destroying your relationship with your sister. She is showing you her "true self". What kind of relationship do you want with "that person"? You can save your BIL from "living my life". You can save your parent’s livelihood and reputation. Painful as it may be, I think you know in your heart what your decision SHOULD be….

My handle causes some people angst. It is very much "tongue in cheek" for me. But if it helps, call me AStolenLife.

Minimization is directly out of like page 4 of the "cheaters handbook"

That was what my wife told me at first two that it was only one time and pretty soon that number kept changing. Every every time we talked about it tour it finally became consistent at a number and the number matched up with the timeline that I can trust it. But your sister is gonna be backtracking and trying to gaslight you on this that you know because she’s caught and she knows that you could do some serious damage here so she’s gonna try to manage you and you can’t let her do that.

Does that change how bad the affair is/was? What if she stops sleeping with the guy after the one time? Will it do more harm than good to their families to expose it if everyone can just go back to normal?

I can tell you from my personal experience as a BW of a WH who (supposedly) had a ONS, it doesn't and didn't matter to me. My STBXWH said he knew it was the wrong thing to do and that he wanted to be with me right after he did it (which I personally believe is B.S.). I second other folks comments that the BS knows something is wrong even when they don't know what it is. My WH treated me terribly for a couple of months before his supposed ONS (which was planned in advance). He acted like I wasn't treating him well, picked fights about stupid things, quit wanting sex, told me he had always hated our sex life (news to me and certainly not evident over the 10+ years we were together!) and even told me he was considering whether he "could stay" in the M. I feared and thought he might be having an A before DDay and even confronted him about it.

It's been over 5 months post DDay now and I've only just presented him with D papers, but I knew on some level almost immediately after I found out that I wouldn't be able to move past it. I just needed time to get comfortable and feel 100% sure of my decision.

I do sympathize with your position. It's a terrible thing to have to grapple with and how horrible of your sister to involve you at all. My WH confided in multiple of his siblings before he told me. I will always resent them for not telling me.

I have written this before. For me though a line was definitely crossed the first time, the marriage ended when she slept with him the second time.

I have been around and seen and experienced a lot. I was in an industry with lots of conventions where cheating was rampant. Honestly I was tempted myself. I recall once when a woman asked me to walk her to her room after a night of partying. I did even though I knew that was trouble, but frankly had something bad happened to her and she asked me to walk her back I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself. Anyway, once at her door she asked me to come in. She was super attractive and I knew what coming in meant. I really came close but thankfully I walked back alone to my room. But I can see how I could have done a really stupid thing. So I can see how it can happen.

The big but is that if it happens a second time, it wasn’t a stupid mistake. It was a deliberate decision that the sex with this person was exciting and good enough to destroy their marriage and partner. There is a line in "A rage to live movie" where when confronted about her affair the WS wails "it just happened". Her BS comes back with " did it just happen the second time? The third time, and all the times after that? Those were decisions and plans you made ".

The first time is a serious breech, but for me the second time sealed her fate. Just took me 5 years to realize it

One time or a hundred it doesn't matter, once is too many.

She's cheating on her husband and he knows. I'd wager that he's known all the time. Hence the depression he's going through.

[This message edited by WishidleftHer at 6:14 PM, Friday, December 1st]

This is different, but also the same:

I had to talk to someone (not my H) recently about their drinking. They said, "I have a little red wine now and then."

A glass of bourbon was literally sitting right in front of them. I said, "What’s that?" and they looked around like they couldn’t see anything and said, "What?! I don’t know what you’re talking about."

Same thing. Your sister is minimizing and in denial. I can guarantee you it wasn’t "just once."

Cheaters lie. All of them. You can show them undeniable proof, and many still lie. They manipulate. They gaslight. They minimize their behavior.

Your sister is lying.

Please expose her affair before more damage is done. Everyone involved deserves agency over their own lives.

I expect that 'one time' is a lie. They work together. The urge to slip out for a quickie is going to be there. The urge to take a day off is there. If your sister were remorseful, I might believe 'Just once, and that one time showed me how far out of line I am.' But your sister isn't remorseful - she sees her A as 'happiness'.

Sex with the ap is only part of the betrayal. Just consider that EAs involve no sex, but they are devastating to many BSes even so. Going to the ap for support hurts. The lies of omission and commission hurt. Shattering illusions hurts. Forcing the BS to re-evaluate everything the BS thought they knew about their partner hurts. For me, the months of lies still rankle; the sex, not so much.

My bet - and I'll wager everything I own and can borrow - is that your sister is lying to herself and to you. I urge you not to buy into her lies.

Your sister knows you don’t approve of her A and so she’s going to lie to you as well. Since she can so easily lie to her H about something so massive, what makes you think she’s been honest about "only once"? Almost zero chance of that. As has been stated, they work together and so there are countless opportunities to continue their adulteries.

For the love of all that’s right, PLEASE inform your parents and your sister’s H. You will deeply regret not doing this one day if you don’t.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 5:05 PM, Friday, December 1st]

It wasn't just once. Cheaters lie. To their partners. To their children. To their family and friends. Those lies are a bigger betrayal than the actual act of bumping uglies. The biggest lies are the ones they tell themselves to excuse their poor decisions and avoid the repercussions. Those lies start well before. We're just friends. We're soulmates. APs the only person who makes me happy.

In your case, she claims it only happened once. Yet you noticed it from their behavior recently. Her inappropriate behavior started at least six months ago when she was caught texting. Likely at that point it was more than texting. It certainly was when you came home. Good chance this has been an active affair for a minimum of a year. That's not a once. That's months to years' worth of betrayal. Even if the actual physical act of "sex" by her definition only happened once. I quoted sex because like Clinton's "I did not sleep with that woman" line, cheaters use distortions of the truth along with the lying. In this case, I would give the percentage of it being a true once and done very, very low odds. like a single digit percentage at best. If not sub 1%.

Nope - doesn’t matter. My WH cheated (in person as opposed to online) one time and it still wrecked my world. I felt like I had been living without agency and that was almost as bad as the infidelity. I ended up with a hospital stay due to PTSD.

But, all that said, I needed to know! When your spouse has cheated and you don’t know you are literally living without agency. I am currently reading The Betrayal Bind and that author said something very interesting in the sexuality chapter: When your spouse has cheated and you don’t know, consent is lost. Yup, that’s how it feels.

No. Even if it was "just once" (yeah right!) your sister broke her vows to her BH.

Your sister is full of shit and you know it. She even said to you that AP is the only one who brings her happiness; does that sound like someone who isn't actively in an affair?

Regardless, she didn't slip on a banana peel and land on his dick. One night of sex has about a million other choices and actions that leading up to it.

Regardless, she didn't slip on a banana peel and land on his dick. One night of sex has about a million other choices and actions that leading up to it.

This 👆

Affairs don't just happen, there's a buildup to them. Her husband saw some text messages, my guess is there's photos too and calls and texts at all hours of the day and night. He needs to look at phone logs and if possible get into her phone.

Your sister is in damage control by telling you it was only once. She's lying through her teeth 100% and trying to minimize details. The fact that she puts all possibility of her happiness on her AP speaks volumes that it was much more then just once.

If, and that's a huge if, it were only one time yes it matters. She still stepped out on her marriage and that's pretty black and white, there is no gray area. She cheated.

Come on officer…I only ran over one pedestrian. Well yes it was on purpose.