Sister Saga continues

OK guys, I did it. I sat around all day waiting for my sister's call. Couldn't take it, so went on a run and stress cleaned.

Then she called. I had notes laid out of how I thought the conversation would go incase I got too flustered or emotional. It went about how you would expect: (the below is not exact quotes, but approximate from what I remember)

Me: hi sister, thank you for calling, how's your day?

Sis: *tells me about her day and tells me its been stressful*

Me: Have you thought anymore about what we talked about last time we spoke?

Sis: Yes, have you?

Me: yes, what are you thinking?

Sis: I think it's incredibly rude and mean of you to force your way into my life when you haven't been here for the last years (I've been stationed overseas) and think you have to come in here and fix my life. You're not here, you don't understand. your life is not as complicated as mine is, mine has a lot more moving parts that you don't even know about"

Me: help me understand then, I want to understand

Sis: No you don't! You can never understand, you wouldn't understand.

Me: I'm trying to. What do you expect me to do in this situation

Sis: to just leave the US and go back to (where I'm stationed), and leave my life alone. If you tell my husband about my affair, I can promise you that you will never see, talk, or hear from me or my daughter (my only niece) ever again in your life.

... and I don't remember a whole ton of detail after that, because I was pretty hurt. But she pretty much said all the things you guys said she would. She said that if I tell, I would be ruining her life because she would lose the house and the cars, and have no health insurance for her or her daughter. That I would be ripping her daughter away from her because she would probably get split custody. That I would be ruining her AP's life and hurting the business. She clarified that the AP doesn't have any direct dealings with money, he's just in training for that position once the current finance guy leaves next year. That I had no idea what I was talking about. That I couldn't force her to make the decision to get a divorce or stay married.

I told her that she was the one that made the decision to have an affair, and couldn't she see that what she is doing is wrong? that every second spent with AP is a second she's choosing to not fix things in her marriage, and that she's actively choosing to hurt people.

She blew up at me some more, and reminded me that her husband's birthday is in two days, and Christmas is right around the corner. That she wanted me out of her life, and that she will never trust me again, that I was a shitty sister, and betraying her as a family member is disgusting and a lot of other things.

I told her I didn't think this conversation was going anywhere and we should stop talking.

She agreed. So we hung up.

I then wallowed in self-pity for a bit and considered just calling my brother in law to tell him everything because she obviously wasn't listening. It was back to the drawing board for a few hours.

Then she called me again. "well, sh*t" I thought to myself. I was out of energy to fight with her.

I answered though.

Sis: Hi

Me: hi...

Sis: I don't like how that last conversation ended.

Me: me either.

Sis: I appreciate you sharing your views and opinion with me, and I'm glad you let me know what you think. But I need you to respect my decisions even if you don't believe they're the right decisions. It's my life and you can't just decide you're going come in and force me to make decisions when you're not even around very often. you've made your point known, and I am acknowledging that what I am doing is wrong. I understand that. But you need to respect what I do with my life. It's my own life, and not yours

Me: I could step back and respect that... but the problem is it's not JUST your life that is being affected by the affair. It's yours, your husbands. AP, OBS, their 3 children, and possibly the business. Every day I dont say anything, and just let this keep happening is a day where I betray my own beliefs and what I feel is right.

Sis: that's fair..... (long silence)

Sis: Can you just step back and let me figure things out?

Me: I can step back as soon as you let your husband know that you cheated on him and come clean with the details. i don't care if you decide to get a divorce or stay with him. But he deserves to know so he can also make that decision.

Sis: .......OK. I can do that. But do you understand that I don't want to tell him right before his birthday and Christmas?

Me: yes. I can understand that. But each day that goes by is a day that someone else might tell him, and I think that's going to absolutely blow up in your face. Other people have already been suspecting things, mom said she thought it was weird that you were wearing AP's jacket at work the other day. AP's wife and your husband are probably already suspicious from what happened with you texting and kissing him 6 months ago.

Sis: yeah.

Me: you need to tell him.

Sis: *sigh*... OK, I will.

then we said I love you and hung up.... So it obviously didn't go amazingly. But I am really happy that she is going to tell him. And quite honestly I'm astounded that she agreed that what she is doing is wrong and agreed that the truth needs to come out. Once her husband knows, he will let the OBS know.

As far as her and AP being able to get their stories straight--yes, I guess they will be able to do that. But unfortunately I didn't have any hard evidence to prove the Affair, how long or how often it had been going on outside of a verbal confession, so I really don't know many details. I also wouldn't really have been able to get any hard evidence being away from her.

As far as her following through? I go back to my hometown in 2 weeks. And she knows she will have to face me, and that I'll be able to talk to her husband while I'm there. I'm glad she's coming clean, and I really am surprised and respect her for calling back after thinking about what I said and agreeing to tell her husband. I did not expect that at all after the way our first conversation went.

I'm sure it's not going to go as smoothly as I imagine in my head from here on out, but I'll keep you guys posted. I also know that maybe going right to her husband was the better thing to do. But I truly did not have any proof to give him. So her admitting that she's sleeping with another man is just as good as me telling him she's sleeping with another man. But I wanted to allow her the decency of confessing herself, so they can hopefully start the rest of their relationship (whether it be R or D) on the right foot.

Lemme know what you think, and if there's anything else I should do in the meantime

*edited to correct spelling and add details where I remembered them

47 comments posted: Wednesday, December 6th, 2023

Found out my sister is cheating, what now?

Hello,

I (28 F)am hoping to gain some insight from those who have gone through similar situations. I just recently discovered my sister (31 F) is cheating on her husband (32 M). They have been together for about 6 years now, and she is sleeping with a co-worker. I had a hunch because she was acting strangely around both her husband and this other man.

I approached her about it privately. She did not immediately admit to me about what she was doing. She has been caught texting this guy before, and it caused major problems in the relationship about 6 months ago. Her husband has since become depressed due to their failing relationship and now is on medication for depression and sleeping meds for anxiety. He does not know that my sister continues to talk with this co-worker--much less sleep with him.

I know my sister is not happy in her marriage. But her husband is a great guy and does not deserve to be cheated on. I care for my sister deeply, and do not wish to hurt her. I fear she is hurting herself though. I figure if she does not do something to address this, it is going to come out eventually, and then she will have zero power to control the situation.

For a few days after I found out about her affair, my sister avoided me for fear that I would tell the rest of our family (I live in a different country and rarely visit). I did not tell anyone else because I don't feel that would be right, and could hurt a lot of people. I don't want to ruin my sister's life, but I fear she is doing that on her own. I was able to figure out her having an affair the first day I was back in town. It astounds me that everyone else has been blind to it. But it's just a matter of time before someone finds out. Her husband already suspects because she is so distant towards him. She has mentioned divorce but neither one seem to be serious about it.

I spoke with her on the phone yesterday. I initially told her that she has a few months to figure it out before I say anything to her husband or anyone else. She became very upset and said I was blackmailing her. That I was taking away the only thing in life that made her happy. She told me that the only thing she wants is happiness, and the only person that brings that to her is her co-worker. I did not want to upset her, so I agreed to not give her a timeline or say anything at the moment because I can tell she is hurting. But I also don't think she realizes how much she is hurting other people, including her husband and the wife and children of her co-worker. Additionally, this could affect the family company (for which my mother, brother, sister, and father all have their livelihoods from). I told her that if she is not happy in the relationship, she needs to get a divorce. She said that she is afraid she would have to split custody of her daughter, and is too afraid of change and losing the house to get a divorce. So I told her if that was the case, she needs to stop sleeping with her co-worker and work on her marriage. She is not willing to do this either. She knows that the co-worker might only be sleeping with her because she is his boss. She also knows that this man will not leave his wife and three children for her. The conversation ended by me asking how I can support her, and what she would do if the roles were flipped. She said "just listen and try to understand". I then asked her if she was angry with me. She said yes because she feels as though I am trying to ruin her life.

I want to be supportive of her. I want my sister to be happy. No one deserves to feel miserable. BUT I feel what she is doing is very wrong and will seriously hurt a lot of people if it continues. I feel I may be enabling her by having knowledge of what is going on and not taking action. But I have also seen online where a majority of people have recommended to "mind your own business and don't butt into their relationship". So I seek wisdom from this forum. Both sides please, what should I do?

A few more details: the guy my sister is cheating with is married and has 3 children, the youngest of which is 5 months old. My sister has one 2 year old daughter with her husband. My sister is a part-owner at our family company. The co-worker she is sleeping with handles all the finances of our family's company (yikes). I visit again in 3 weeks. I can easily keep this a secret if need be, but I don't feel this is the right answer. I was hoping she would agree to stop seeing her co-worker and work on her marriage, or get a divorce with her husband. Her husband has never shown any abusive behavior, and she denied that he ever hit or hurt her. They do bicker often, especially since having their daughter 2 years ago.

45 comments posted: Monday, December 4th, 2023

Going to expose sister's affair

Thank you all for all the input. It really has helped me make a decision.

My sister is out of town this weekend with her daughter putting on a baby shower for one of her friends today. She is in a city several hours away. I don't want to ruin the baby shower. She will be headed back to town tomorrow. I already asked her to call me when she is on her way back to town. I am going to tell her that she needs to come clean ASAP to both her husband and my father (owner of the company) because our family's livelihood could be at risk in this situation. I am going to tell her that if she does not tell them, I will.

This way I can
a)give her a semblance of control and allow the news to my dad to come from her.
b)give her a chance to decide if she wants to try to offer reconciliation with her husband or if she wants to just get a divorce.
c)she will have to think about things for a couple hours while she is on her way back from the city, so she will (hopefully) be less likely to do or say something stupid.
d)if I tell my dad first, he will lose his sh*t. He is not a level headed individual, and has zero emotional intelligence. If it comes from her, I think he will respect that she was the one that came clean.
e)I think her husband pretty much already knows. I also think most people would prefer to hear it directly from their spouse, and may respect them more for it.

I'm going to offer to be the one to tell her husband if she doesn't want to do it. Even if she does come clean and tell her husband about everything, after I am going to have a conversation with him to make sure he knows what I know, and to offer him support. I know he will be crushed.

Lastly, if my sister doesn't hang up on me the second I tell her this, I am going to offer to pay for her to go to therapy. Whether somewhere in person, or on a virtual platform. I'm worried about her, as she has not been acting like the sister I know.

This will inevitably destroy my sister's and my relationship. It's gonna suck, and will absolutely affect my upcoming visit. Which sucks because this is the first Christmas I'll be at home in 7 years because of deployments and such in the military. I was obviously hoping it would be a good, happy visit. Such is life. But like many of you pointed out, I can't betray my morals and just sit back and watch it happen as she hurts so many people.

Thank you all for being on this rollercoaster ride with me. Praying tomorrow's conversation goes well--or as well as it can.

12 comments posted: Sunday, December 3rd, 2023

Does it matter if it was "just once"?

Recently (yesterday) posted here about my sister's affair, and my dilemma of if/how/when/to who to expose her affair. One thing she keeps telling me is that it was "just once". I feel like that's probably a lie. I know for sure she has kissed him (idk how many times or other details) and slept with him (know no details on this one, but she's verbally admitted it). She said it was just once. and again when I confronted her the first time last week, she kept saying she slept with her co worker just once, so it wasn't a big deal.

Does that change how bad the affair is/was? What if she stops sleeping with the guy after the one time? Will it do more harm than good to their families to expose it if everyone can just go back to normal?

I know this might be a stupid question. My gut says it doesn't matter and that cheating is cheating is cheating. But maybe I am wrong? Maybe it is not as big of a deal because it was 'just once'.

Again, apologies for any stupid questions, and for sounding reluctant to expose my sister's affair. I am just trying to get all my thoughts together. There's a lot of wisdom and experience here, and I am grateful for the insight provided.

24 comments posted: Friday, December 1st, 2023