Question About Trauma Bonding
Hey there everyone. I’m feeling really down right now.
Since D-day my husband has been working on himself. He hasn’t been defensive, he doesn’t blame me, he answers all my questions, and he is accountable. He’s in IC, an out patient sex addiction program, and a 12 step program. He participates in all of that religiously.
However, the one thing he is absolutely HORRIBLE at is reassuring me and comforting me when I’m triggered or sad. He just sits there and stares at me (saying nothing) or makes really perfunctory statements. We will be at 2 years of reconciliation in November.
I have told him the kinds of things I’d like him to say and do. He needs super specific instructions sometimes and it just seems rediculous. Things like, "Maybe right now, since I’m crying and upset, you could sit up and not lounge with your feet up and arms crossed casually behind your head?" He admits he struggles with this. It seems like a really important part of reconciliadtion, though, so I’ve told him he needs to be working on this in therapy. I have basically told him that it will eventually become a deal breaker for me. Nothing has gotten even marginally better.
Tonight felt like the last straw. I was reading a super triggering Facebook post that showed a couple that had gotten fit together. A commenter said, "Rather than leave her, upgrade together." It got me wondering, did my husband go after these women because he felt like they were an "upgrade" from me? That language is super gross and objectifying but I just needed some reassurance. I so wish I were one of the women here on SI that have husbands who cheated with unattractive women. Not the case with my husband. The feedback I get from others is that I’m attractive. But since the infidelity I need reassurance. I started crying and, because he often drops me emotionally, it was really hard to be vulnerable. But I did it anyway. I told him how I was feeling about the post and said through tears, "Did you cheat because you were trying to upgrade from me?" He didn’t come over and try to hold my hand, he didn’t try to rub my back, he didn’t make any sympathizing sounds. He waited a bit while I sobbed and then said, in kind of a monotone, "No … it was just the addiction." I cried some more, pretty hard, and he just sat there.
What would I want to happen? A gentle touch, a compassionate voice, maybe a statement like, "why would I need to upgrade from you - someone I find beautiful? I’m so sorry you fee this way. This was about me and my problems."
I cried some more and then walked up the stairs to the bathroom, still crying pretty hard. He didn’t follow me. Instead I hear him just standing at the bottom of the stairs filling up his water bottle with ice. I’m weeping and wrecked and he is making sure his ice bottle is filled with ice?!?
Tonight I asked him to please move into the basement guest room. I really don’t want to see him tomorrow. These incidents feel like small traumas and then when we make "amends" afterwards I have this scary feeling like maybe I’m trauma bonded to him (?). I figure not seeing him and doing an in house separation might help me understand the cycle? He refused to move any of his things downstairs and just plopped onto the basement couch and fell into a little blissful sleep as I moved all of his belongings downstairs.
Anyone else out there with a spouse that is awful at reassurance? Anyone else wondering about trauma bonding?
4 comments posted: Monday, September 2nd, 2024
Advice for getting through one year d-day anniversary
Hey All - one year ago my world blew up. Hitting the one year mark is hard and every damn thing is triggering me. Any advice or words of encouragement appreciated!
7 comments posted: Monday, November 13th, 2023
Just coming for some support
Well, here I am.
My husband was also my best friend. I never suspected anything. I have a lot of trauma in my background and with this additional trauma, I couldn't cope. On d-day, I checked myself into the hospital. I'm doing better now - even back at my full-time teaching job. I have an official depression and PTSD diagnosis and I'm on meds.
We slept at different locations for awhile but he is now back at home and sleeping in the guest room. I'm not even sleeping in our bed ... I am on a couch (which I find comfortable). I just can't sleep in our bed right now. My husband has been showing a lot of remorse and wants to reconcile. He did the whole messed up "trickle truth" thing at first, which was really fun with my PTSD. He swears he has told me everything now and there have been no more disclosures for about a week and a half. He has been very patient and open as I've asked him questions and questions and questions.
If you would have asked me, "who is the most trustworthy person you know?" a month ago I would have said, "my husband." But he had an encounter with a prostitute while on a business trip six years ago. He tested himself for STDs right when he got back and I just tested as well and we are all clear there. He was also active on sex chat / dating sites four years ago. He says it lasted around two-three months and he was on about 5 different sites.
I'm devastated. I loved him SO much. But the way he was able to just lie to me all these years makes me feel like I don't really know him. And I had no idea that it was possible to be in this much pain. I've been through a lot of shit ... but this? This is just horrible.
We are each in IC and we are interviewing marriage counselors right now. But when I'm asked if I want to reconcile, I'm just so confused. I love him and it is difficult to imagine life without him. However, there is a huge risk with this. If he cheats again I really don't think my brain can stand another trauma. When I got out of the hospital and my meds were adjusting, I had a psychotic break. It was the most difficult thing I've ever experienced and scary as hell.
I am glad to be on this site and glad you are all here sharing your stories.
12 comments posted: Saturday, December 3rd, 2022
