BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

What are your biases when giving advice?

A few threads recently have me thinking about why some posts on SI seem to trigger a more powerful emotional reaction out of me than others or why certain WSs are more infuriating to me than others.

One commonality I've noticed is when one of the spouses (usually a BH) works and the other spouse (usually a WW) doesn't.

I think this bias comes from 2 places:

(1) I've been working since I was 16 years old. The idea of someone taking advantage of the time and energy I expend and the stress I incur in order to earn money and help support the family so he could betray me is simply intolerable; it goes beyond selfishness to outright malice.

(2) Although my ex and I both worked while we were married, he worked nights while I worked days and took advantage of our differing schedules to conduct his affairs. Also, he generally worked fewer hours than I did, so he had more time hit the gym to stay in shape and relax... hence why he usually looked more fit and put together than I did.

When I think about the women who fuck around while their husbands are working and their kids are at school, I just want to scream: "Really, stupid bitch?! You know what I would with your free time? I would finish writing my novel. I would learn Japanese. I would volunteer at the local homeless shelter. I would be class mom at my kid's school. I would find meaningful ways to feel validated and accomplished instead of taking advantage of my husband's absence to screw around with some dirtbag."

This contempt I feel also works in reverse, toward a working wayward spouse (usually a WH) who takes advantage of a busy work schedule and the fact that they have nonworking spouse (usually a BW) holding down the fort at home and taking care of the kids to screw around.

Just as the typical wayward stay-at-home wife who typically justifies her behavior by saying "I feel lonely and neglected all the time because he's too busy at work," the typical wayward working husband says, "I work my ass off and give her everything she wants; why shouldn't I have my fun on the side?"

Both are completely selfish and entitled. Both are dismissive of the sacrifices their spouses are making. Both panic and become pathetically desperate when Dday happens and their comfortable situations are suddenly upended.

Anyway, whenever I see these dynamics at play in post, I have to remind myself to step back, take a breath, and remind myself that the people on the other side of the computer are human beings, not cut-out cardboard figurines or stereotypical archetypes.

So frequent commentators on SI (veterans and newbies alike)... what situations/types of stories grind your gears? How do you try to stay objective?

35 comments posted: Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

Mod please

Thanks :-)

1 comment posted: Tuesday, January 31st, 2023