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10 Years After Dday -- Divorce Papers Served

Topic is Sleeping.

 notperfect5 (original poster member #43330) posted at 5:17 AM on Friday, August 25th, 2023

Nearly exactly 10 years after dday, wife served me divorce papers. I guess that no matter how hard you try, or how much you sacrifice, she will do what she feels is right. I can't save her from herself. I can't shield my family from what she wants to do. Well, at least I was able to be with my family 10 more years than otherwise. That extra ten years was very precious to me and I believe it was to them.

Me: 55 BH Her: 52 WW - Edith12
DDay 8/13 EA, fake R
Turned PA on 4/27/14 and fake R
PA during MC and my IC and her IC through 12/14
Polygraph on 4/30/15, TT 5/5/15.. TT on 10/4/15, 2nd Poly and TT 11/17/15
DD's 23, 21, 18, 15 DS

posts: 1222   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Southeast
id 8805463

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 5:30 AM on Friday, August 25th, 2023

It looks like you gave it hell!!! There just isn't anything else you can do. It's good that you look don't feel the 10 years was wasted. I feel I would be damn pissed off after 10 years of it, but if you got the kids raised and out there is nothing left in the M.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3188   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8805465

 notperfect5 (original poster member #43330) posted at 5:35 AM on Friday, August 25th, 2023

Thanks Tanner. Those 10 years with the 5 kids were worth it all. During COVID they all came home from school and it was like a big party in our house for a year. I'm glad I stuck it out. And now, off to new beginnings!!

Me: 55 BH Her: 52 WW - Edith12
DDay 8/13 EA, fake R
Turned PA on 4/27/14 and fake R
PA during MC and my IC and her IC through 12/14
Polygraph on 4/30/15, TT 5/5/15.. TT on 10/4/15, 2nd Poly and TT 11/17/15
DD's 23, 21, 18, 15 DS

posts: 1222   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Southeast
id 8805468

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:04 AM on Friday, August 25th, 2023

I’m sorry that it came to this for you, but I do hope you find peace and joy in your new beginnings. As we always say our takes two people and if both aren’t giving 100%, well then sometimes D is the right answer and you can only control you, I like your outlook and I think it will serve you well, but be sure to feel the grief too. It’s never easy.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5708   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8805471

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:48 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023

Welcome back NP5,
Glad you got some quality years w/ your kiddos.

Onward and upward as they say. This was pretty much an inevitable outcome from what I remember. You are good father, and a good man.

Take some time heal, and be kind to yourself.

Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19974   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8805480

asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 3:17 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023

So sorry to hear this. Has she returned to her infidelity or just given up on R?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 573   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8805531

1994 ( member #82615) posted at 4:40 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023

You gave everything you had and stayed true to your values. Your family will remember that. Hold your head up high and take the time you need to heal.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 10:14 PM, Friday, August 25th]

posts: 76   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8805593

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 4:53 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023

Did you feel like this was coming, or more of a blindside?

2 boys
Married over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4319   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8805597

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 10:01 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023

Wow, NP5! I'm shocked. Do you think her reasons were legitimate or was it more like that selfish WS streak never really left for her?

Looking forward to a much brighter future for you.

posts: 5231   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8805653

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 11:20 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023

I'm sorry it's come to this.

It's unfortunate that one person can't save another from the other's self. crying

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29258   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8805658

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 11:37 PM on Friday, August 25th, 2023

You can be happy knowing you did your best.

We each have our own unique path, but if my wife asked for a divorce, I wouldn't even try to fight it or argue with her or make any attempt at "lets do MC first". I'm personally happy. If she is secretly building up resentment, that's on her. I've made enough peace with the option of divorce, and know it isn't so bad, that there no value in me trying to change her mind in any way. Every time I look at my retirement plan, house value, etc. I consider the possibility of divorce now and at any time in the future.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2501   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8805662

FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 3:28 AM on Saturday, August 26th, 2023

Hi NP5

It sounds like the serving of divorce papers was a shock and perhaps even surprise to you.
I know I feel shocked hearing the news. I honestly thought you and Edith had been able to reconcile.

How are you coping?
And do the children know?

As you have supported so many of us over the years we are here to support and encourage you.
Kind regards,

posts: 94   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8805686

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:49 AM on Saturday, August 26th, 2023

Hi NP5,

I remember you back from when I was a lurker, before I started posting. Edith was the textbook definition of a remorseless spouse; she put you through Hell and did not seem capable of loving or caring for anyone other herself. You were single-handedly carrying the burden of the marriage.

I think once you are finally free of her and pass through the grief stage toward healing, you will feel a huge weight lifted.

Are the ages of your kids in your signature up to date? It seems like she planned strategically for when she would have you served.

You really did everything you could and gave Edith more chances than she deserved, but as you say, at least your kids got to grow up under the same as roof as you and not whatever douchebag she would’ve brought home.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:54 AM, Saturday, August 26th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8805687

 notperfect5 (original poster member #43330) posted at 1:00 PM on Saturday, August 26th, 2023

It has been very clear that she was resentful of many things in our past over the last 30 years. She couldn't let them go and kept brining them up whenever we talked. She is stuck in being angry and resentful. I can try to apologize and do better, but in the end it is up to her to decide whether to stay resentful or to let wrongs go and forgive and move on. She just can't seem to do it. So no, this was not a blindside. She had filed for divorce 3 years ago, but dropped it when her dad became sick and eventually went into hospice. So this is the second time she has filed for divorce.

My daughters and son are the ages below. DS is in 7th grade. All I think are happy and well adjusted for the age we live in. They are each others' best friends. I am so very grateful for that. If I would have not hung in there the last 10 years things may have been very different with another man being their step father, screwing things up and with me being resentful and with only occasional visitation rights. I chose to be there for them and I think those 10 years made a big difference. I have truly loved being there to watch them and help them grow up. It was wonderful.

Sisoon and tushnurse, thanks for being there a long time ago. JB and Neko you were too.

I don't think she has been planning this for ages, just that she knew it would be likely that she would do so. We went to tons of counseling. Most of the counseling involved her being resentful and my not being emotionally available or communicative. I pretty much had gotten over the affair 5 years ago (it took me 5 years to get over the affair). I guess I'm 95% over it. Maybe I'll never get the last 5%, but most days I don't think about it anymore. Most of the healing was done with you guys here and personal counseling. Mostly SI peeps.

The children don't know yet, though they were aware with the last divorce filing 3 years ago.

My main concern now is to ensure my youngest two have stability and continuity with their friends, their school, their access to their older siblings who are in college nearby, and to the parents that love them. My wife is suing for primary custody, so I've got to fight that. I don't think the kids would do well without my support. I need to be there more than a couple days every two weeks.

Me: 55 BH Her: 52 WW - Edith12
DDay 8/13 EA, fake R
Turned PA on 4/27/14 and fake R
PA during MC and my IC and her IC through 12/14
Polygraph on 4/30/15, TT 5/5/15.. TT on 10/4/15, 2nd Poly and TT 11/17/15
DD's 23, 21, 18, 15 DS

posts: 1222   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Southeast
id 8805701

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:12 PM on Saturday, August 26th, 2023

She was never remorseful. I don't know what her issues with you were,but once a spouse becomes a ws,if they aren't remorseful, and the couple stays together, they will continue to abuse their BS. And thats what I see here.

You have done all you could. You dragged her through an attempt at R,and she never forgave you for it.

You are an amazing father. I've no doubt you will thrive once you get this from albatross from your neck.

Please consider posting in the divorce forum. You will get great advice.

I see your wife is familiar with si. Be careful about what you post,so she doesn't use it against you.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6171   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8805702

SadieMae ( member #42986) posted at 4:51 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023

I'm sorry to see you back, but I'm hopeful for you and your kids that your future will be brighter. Better days ahead!!!

Me: BW D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020
Yay! A new D-Day on 11/8/2023 WTAF

posts: 1337   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Sweet Tea in the Shade
id 8805812

 notperfect5 (original poster member #43330) posted at 2:45 AM on Tuesday, September 26th, 2023

Thank you Hellfire and Sadiemae. We have not told our children yet. I have asked her to inform the children of her intent to divorce me. She has not yet, and I'm thinking she may have second thoughts. Regardless, I am ready to move on with or without her. I have given her time to fix her moral compass. I have given her opportunity to fix herself and her issues and become a loving and caring spouse. I know I'm not perfect, but I have worked on my issues. She should have worked on hers.

I'm torn on sticking it out or pressing on with divorcing and finding someone new, regardless of what she does. I know I'm a good catch and can find someone good for me. My religious beliefs hinder me from divorce and remarriage, but I am starting to doubt following even those. Perhaps a declaration of annulment would be a way to move forward. Still, I am unsure.

Me: 55 BH Her: 52 WW - Edith12
DDay 8/13 EA, fake R
Turned PA on 4/27/14 and fake R
PA during MC and my IC and her IC through 12/14
Polygraph on 4/30/15, TT 5/5/15.. TT on 10/4/15, 2nd Poly and TT 11/17/15
DD's 23, 21, 18, 15 DS

posts: 1222   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Southeast
id 8809404

Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 3:07 AM on Tuesday, September 26th, 2023

I am very sorry you are going through this.

My experience is that an unrepentant resentful ws has been very dangerous to my well being. I am sorry I did not let ws go much sooner as nasty as he was to live with. Disdain, negativity and downright meanness. There is a world of there without them where the sun shines and partners are kind.

Despite all the damage they inflicted on me in the D, I cannot even describe the weight that not being with them lifted off me.
I was carrying the load emotionally as I too had religious faith and did not believe in D. He took advantage of my sense of decent and fairness and my good nature.
In the end, he find me so distasteful that he made the choice to abandon. I am now free of his negativity. And it is glorious!

We did not have underage children this DD.

I know first-hand tho how difficult it is with younger children in the family. It was as if the only person in the room was him and his needs and perceptions and wants. Well that and being disdainful of me. I stayed decades longer than was good for me.

I wish you well in being able to be get fair and appropriate amounts of time with your children.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1476   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8809407

joeboo ( member #31089) posted at 11:54 AM on Saturday, September 30th, 2023

Sorry to see you in this predicament. The only way I can relate is the commitment to my children and my desire to do well by them. My children have left the nest years ago but the time I got to spend with them was priceless. Your commitment to your children is incredible and it's obvious. I'd be willing to bet the time you've shared together is just as precious for them as you said you felt.
I don't know that I can offer sage advice because my children had a significant influence on my decision to stay.

Rhetorically, what would bring you and your children the most peace in your lives now? It's tough to assess if the stress of D is worse than the stress of a fragile nuclear family. Only you know your situation well enough to make that call.

I wish you and your children peace as you work through this tough decision.

posts: 1291   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2011
id 8810015

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:33 PM on Saturday, September 30th, 2023

Wouldn’t custody only be applicable to the youngest? Since the others are 18 and above, they can choose where they wish to reside.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13699   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8810019
Topic is Sleeping.
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