Newest Member: shouldistayorshouldigono

The1stWife

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

What I Wish Cheaters Knew

So it’s 10 pm here on a Friday night. My H is out of the country.

I called him an hour ago and he didn’t answer his phone. Texted him - no response. Not a big deal. He might be asleep.

But immediately my mind goes to - wonder what he’s doing. I wonder if he’s out at a club or bar or whatever. And who is he talking to.

So yes while we are happily reconciled 10 years, there is always the underlying element of doubt. The "what if" opportunity.

Funny thing as I’ve mentioned my H traveled for his job for 20 years. Sometimes weeks at a time. I always knew he had opportunities to cheat and I wasn’t naive to think it could not have happened. And yes he would get away with it.

So while I do not think my H is currently cheating — I see opportunity every so often and pause to think. I can no longer say with 100% certainty "he’s not that kind of person".

How sad you can think of your spouse in that way.

Just something I wish cheaters could or would understand. But not sure some of them would care.

13 comments posted: Saturday, October 14th, 2023

Reflections on 9/11

Sad day here in NY. The TV and media is full of pictures and film and posts about "never forget". Having lost friends and loved ones on that tragic day (21 people from my town alone) - it is hard to relive.

One good friend became a single mom.

Another friend found out she was pregnant two weeks later with their 6th child.

Family members suffering illnesses having been exposed to the toxic chemicals.

One good friend who saved 30 lives by minutes by not entering the towers — only to watch them fall minutes later.

Friends running from their office buildings in fear for their lives.

People not knowing if their friends & family were alive.

I count my blessings my husband was out of the country at the time. He was in the 1993 bombing and was lucky to escape unhurt.

Count your blessings, give thanks, show forgiveness and radiate kindness when and where possible.

10 comments posted: Monday, September 11th, 2023

10 years ago today - a story of independence

10 years ago today was Dday. Something I could never imagine. My H came home hours late and admitted he had been with someone else.

Devastated was an understatement.

A few dats later I learn there is much more to this affair. It was going on for months. And a few days after that I was being kicked to the curb.

I had no money. Kids, a house with a mortgage I could not afford, just totally unprepared financially for a D. And now I have no idea if he’s going to pay child support or alimony or the mortgage.

He blamed me for his unhappiness. He told me I never loved him and married him for other reasons. Hmmmm…..when we married I made more $ than he did and neither of us had anything. No assets. No $. So his "theory" there was baseless.

Six months of limbo and false Reconciliation nearly did me in. But the one thing I knew is that I needed $. I needed a plan. I needed to protect myself. I didn’t want a D. But I needed to be prepared for it. And luckily I did.

Dday2 was 6 months later. My Independence Day so to speak. I finally chose me — not him. Not our marriage. Me!

Told him on dday2 I was Divorcing him. A few days later I told him he had to leave our home. I instituted the hard 180. I finally stopped being a doormat.

Lesson learned. Take nothing for granted and be in charge of your life. Also learned you can Reconcile if both parties really commit to the marriage and facing the hard work together.

Married yet independent. Happy. Strong. Survived the storm. Lucky. Blessed.

16 comments posted: Thursday, July 6th, 2023

Getting an “I don’t care” attitude

Really struggling with this. Could use some advice from this trusted group.

As I’ve mentioned I recently left my church after 25 years due to the behavior of the Senior Pastor. I should mention she’s done some mean things to me in the past, but I just ignored it. This last incident was the last straw and she lied in her email. I had the hard evidence to show she lied and I decided I was done with her "mean girl" persona.

When I left and resigned all my leadership roles, I made sure that people knew why. My words were that I was done battling with the pastor. I tried my hardest to avoid these battles but she continued to be impossible to work with.

Note: big decline last 5 years in church membership and most of my peer group have left as well. All due to the Senior Pastor.

I keep hearing (from my church connections) what people are saying about me. Comments like "I need to get over it", "I need to return to the church", "I should be participating in church events" etc.

I don’t know why these comments bother me and/or upset me but they do. They are being said by people who were not my good friends - just people I interacted with over the years whom I was friendly with.

My H hates ti see me bothered by all this. I don’t have as thick a skin as I should.

But I would like to develop one. But how?

I need to stop dwelling on this. I need to put this in the past. I know the senior pastor has spread lies about me to save face as that is her MO. I know I cannot defend myself but it irks me nonetheless.

Willing to listen and try any and all suggestions.

PS I already found a new church I am happy with.

21 comments posted: Friday, June 17th, 2022

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