SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have been living in a cascade of discoveries since February. I had no idea how naive I was.

My husband and I have been together our entire adult lives, since high school. I always pinched myself at how lucky I was to have such a sweet, gentle and loving partner. He has some childhood trauma and a chaotic family with a lot of unhealthy behaviors- I chalked up his beyond his years maturity to having to grow up fast.

Fast forward about 15 years, 10 married, and here we are. He spent the last three years struggling with addiction to prescription drugs and alcohol with stints of sobriety in between three relapses followed by treatment. I got pregnant last year with our first child, and he relapsed two months later. Spend a month in rehab, several more in treatment while working and is now drug tested weekly.

Because he could no longer use, he believes his drug seeking behavior turned to attention/sex seeking behavior.

I got my first message in February, when I was nearly due to deliver our first child. A woman reached out that they had matched on a dating site, and she researched a little and found me. I thought it was a joke or an imposter. I even showed him in disbelief. He confessed a few hours later. He was caught so soon he only started talking to women. I have never been so devastated in my life. Well…. Up until that point.

We did some marriage counseling and I put it on a shelf. I was scared if I felt it I would hurt my pregnancy. But the gnawing feeling didn’t go away. About a month after I had my daughter, I finally acted on my impulse to look through his phone. I found a message soliciting an escort for the next day. I went back farther and found another two weeks earlier that had already happened. He confessed that he had seen her twice, once right before I gave birth and once two weeks after. They didn’t have sex but it was a massage and a "happy ending".

I spent the last two months obsessing over every detail. Every touch. Every moment. I have interrogated him again and again, any new information filling in more of the picture and playing over and over and rereading the messages. I was pretty sure we were done.

He has always known what to say to give me hope.

Early this month I had friends visiting and then family back to back. I had told them what happened and asked him to stay somewhere else for those weeks to give me some space. And I could see him spiral into a dark place.

He moved back home after and the gnawing feeling came back. I asked him, begged him, and he told me there was nothing. The next day I got my second message.

He had been back on various dating sites and was talking with several women. One contacted me anonymously to let me know. I grabbed his phone and found the messages. Intimate and very hard to read. Back and forth coordinating meet ups but never actually meeting. I read them all.

I contacted three of the women he was texting to let them know what was happening. They all thought we were separated, which we kind of were but we didn’t agree to see other people. Anyways there is a lot more detail in there but I’m not sure it matters. He said he was spiraling in his sex addiction and was acting from impulse to impulse without much thought or plan. Just to get that next ego boost.

He’s started going to meetings, got a sponsor for sex addition (has been active in NA for a long time), and has answered every question I have about the details without defensiveness. He set up a blocker on his phone for all adult sites and let me add whatever I wanted and set the password. He’s working on it. He seems broken and hollow and devastated he did this to me and his child. I never realized the inferiority complex that was always within him until now. Though I should be furious I am so sad to see this man I shared my entire adult life with wracked with this perception of himself. I feel crazy.

I feel logically leaving is the answer but my heart wants to stay. It’s very confusing to me. I have a post nup in the works so me and my daughter are provided for however this shakes out. He said he’d sign whatever I wanted. Every day I feel a different emotion, and path forward. My family and friends will never see him the same way. I feel like the worlds biggest idiot for not kicking him out immediately and can’t help but wonder if I’m showing him I accept this behavior, and if it will spiral again.

I am so sorry for you. I don’t know how things will turn out but you have been through the ringer in this marriage with his issues.

Maybe he will turn around and address his issues and become a monogamous partner. I hope he does if that is what you need to repair this marriage.

But as someone older I suggest always having a back up plan just in case. That means having your own money, your own credit cards, your own vehicle etc.

It also means having a plan in case you need to leave him. Who leaves the house if you D, custody, child support issues, etc. are challenging but if you plan in advance, it may be more easily managed b/c it’s less emotional.

My H basically came home one night and admitted an affair (his words were it’s nothing) yet 10 days later he’s kicking me to the curb.

And yes I was completely blindsided.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:46 PM, Sunday, April 30th]

Needing Grace, your post reminds me so very much of my own story. My husband (also sweet and gentle) is also a sex addict. He was sober from drugs/alcohol for 19 years before he became cross addicted to porn. This progressed into a physical affair and only my discovery of the affair stopped him from progressing into other sorts of infidelity. I was completely blindsided. I could not have imagined the shy and considerate man I thought I knew was disrespecting and abusing me behind my back. I learned that my husband was not the sweet, kind man I thought he was. There was a part of him that was a horror: a lying, manipulative, selfish creature with no integrity.

You say in your post that your husband self-identifies as a sex addict. It is recommended that he get a diagnosis from a CSAT in order to determine the correct treatment plan for him. You say that he is going to SA meetings and has a sponsor. It is recommended that newcomers attend meetings multiple times per week in order to develop the tools necessary to withstand the inevitable cravings that the vast majority of addicts experience. I can tell you from personal experience that it is really important that your husband also works a 12 step program for drugs/alcohol, whether he has been struggling with active addiction or not. It is vital that all addictive behaviors are addressed to avoid relapse of either one or both. Sex addiction is a process addiction, which is different from a drug/alcohol addiction and is treated a bit differently. A process addiction is the compulsive use of a behavior. A chemical addiction is the compulsive use of a chemical, like pain killers and alcohol.

In attending his SA meetings, my husband discovered that the attendees did not have the same kind of long term sobriety that the attendees of AA/NA have. IMO, a process disorder like SA is more challenging in the sense that, for most people, in order to have a healthy relationship, sex is part of the equation. This is not the same for drug/alcohol addicts who abstain completely from their drug of choice. An analogy would be to ask an alcoholic to take a drink a week in order to maintain a healthy relationship. I am an alcoholic and I can guarantee that I could never do that safely. I think that this is why there is not much long term sobriety in SA. It is very difficult to sustain sobriety if you are also engaging in the very thing that you are abusing. In addition, It is important to be able to learn from addicts with long term sobriety because they teach the rest of us what it is to live life on life's terms as a sober human. The answer to this for my husband has been SA, AA and individual counseling with a CSAT. He has been seeing a counselor for the last 7+ years. It has helped him enormously. The FOO issues he has contributed tremendously to his SA. It is important to note that my husband has been alcohol and drug free for 27 years at this point. It would have been impossible for him to be able to be honest or safe in any way if he had been abusing chemicals at the time he was trying to recover from SA. An addict in active addiction cannot manage sobriety from any other co-occurent addiction simultaneously. It is also important to note that he has had not had the same success with his SA. He has had some slips, but nothing that involves other people. I have been able to stay in the relationship because my husband works really hard to show me he is worthy of our marriage.

This may seem like a lot of work. It is. It is hard and exhausting and painful. It is a lifelong process. Addiction is a terrible disease. If your husband is willing to do the work constantly and for the long term, he may become safe. I do not think he is safe for you at this point. Please make sure you get tested for STDs and watch his actions. His words are meaningless as he has proven himself a liar. Think of yourself and your kid(s) first. Be kind to yourself.

So sorry you are here. It sounds like you are very informed about your situation and you have great informed advice already on this thread. I just wanted to send you a hug and say far from being an idiot (please don’t feel like one) you sound compassionate and strong and dealing with becoming a new mother on top of everything else. I hope you’re seeing an IC or attending Al-anon or equivalent for support. This stuff is hard. Hug.

On top of everything else your husband needs trauma therapy. That’s the hidden child that is controlling so much of his bad behavior. He needs someone who is very good at EMDR. There are other types of therapy but this one is short term and since he is already under the care of others, he needs this one to get going. It is designed for soldiers who suffer from PTSD. It’s now used for people who have had trauma any time in their lives. It sounds like there was chaos and toxicity in his childhood and that interrupts the ability to mature emotionally. Everything he is doing whether it’s sex or drugs and alcohol is because he is about three years old emotionally. That is why he’s having such a hard time because every time he feels the slightest bit of stress or any time he has any urges there is that inner child allowing him to behave that way.

You need therapy yourself just to give you some place to go and vent.

If you give him a certain period of time to clean up, he’s either going to do it or not but you will have your answer. I don’t see you continuing to live in this marriage if this is what he continues to do. He is trying right now, and I hope for his sake, and yours, that he manages to keep himself sober from all of his addiction.

I am so sorry you have had to deal with just about every type of addiction in such a short time. Having lived with an addict-family member for years I know the horrible rollercoaster every day can be. And to deal with all of this while you were pregnant and now a new mother...

I want to reiterate what the 1st wife said re: a "backup plan". You will see this same sentiment expressed in many ways on here and it's not about making a decision to stay or go - it's about making yourself Plan A. You are with an untrustworthy partner so you need to look out for yourself. I am not saying your partner is some horrible person through and through - but they have shown they do not have your best interest in mind all the time. So, you need to take the reigns for you and your newborn - for most people this initially revolves around finances. Are you able to take care of yourself and your child on your own if need be? Do you have a job (even though you likely are not now working with a newborn - do you have a job to go back to)/are you employable if not/do you have other sources of income independent from your partner's? Basically start THINKING about how you would handle life IF you partner were absent and start putting a plan in place.

The reality is this is not bad advice for anyone, in general, even in the best of marriages. Here is an non-infidelity example: I have a good friend whose husband went missing on a diving trip - he is "presumed" drowned but as they never found the body he was not "deceased" so no life insurance or other benefits of his for 7 years - she was effectively on her own but had NOT planned for that at all and things got financially messy for her quickly.

In other words - it is always a good time to make alternative plans for yourself, but especially when there is trouble in your relationship. For me, in the beginning, when the wounds from d-day were fresh, I could not think about leaving - I still wanted things to be the way they were. It felt like even thinking about plans that didn't involve my WH was giving up, and I wasn't ready to do that - but making plans to be on your own is just good planning. It does not have to be such a monstrous decision or any indication that you are leaving or staying or anything. Taking care of yourself makes good sense, especially now that you have had a child.

I am so glad notmine responded to your post (and as an aside notmine's signature line is hilarious if you need a quick laugh).

I know you don't want to rush to make a decision, and there will certainly be other users who will advise you to take your time, but I think in a situation where you're dealing with a serial cheater who patronizes prostitutes and is grappling with an substance addiction, you don't really have that luxury. He is not a safe partner for you or your child and he's put your physical, legal, and financial wellbeing at risk.

In your case, I would immediately separate your finances, file for legal separation, and get an emergency custody and child support. In addition, I think you should also:

(1) Get tested for STDs.
(2) Completely separate your finances.
(3) Meet with a lawyer and talk about what divorce might look like for you in terms a potential settlement and child custody.
(4) Comb through your finances (ideally with the help of a forensic accountant) and look for any irregularities and improprieties. See if he is hiding any credit cards or debt from you, since addiction usually goes hand-in-hand with financial infidelity.

As for considering reconciliation, I think you should have him do a polygraph exam before you even consider it. The science behind them might be dubious, but often the prospect of taking one is enough to get a WS to spill their guts about any remaining lies that they're keeping. His refusal to take one would also tell you all you need to know on its own.

If you go through with getting a postnup, make sure that it's reviewed by his own lawyer so he can't claim after the fact that he agreed to the terms under duress.

Thank you all for the feedback, it is deeply appreciated. It felt like I was the only one to have gone through this- and there is a sort of sad peace in knowing that I am not alone.

I have a fantastic therapist and have been attending NarAnon for three years (family support for someone who loves an addict). Though on maternity leave, I have an amazing job to go back to next month. If he signs the post nup as promised I would receive our home and generous alimony should we divorce, so financially I would he in a better position for most, and for that I am grateful. He is also actively engaged in NA and has a sponsor there. He’s attending meetings between the two fellowships at least every day. Unfortunately he has used these in the past as a cover when he visited the escorts, and to speak with the girls he was talking to online on the way to and from meetings.

Not mine- thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It’s unnerving the similarities. I appreciate the insight so much and hope my husband can find a similar success (whether we are together or not).

Bluerthanblue- I have never heard of the term "financial infidelity" before. It really hit home. He did have other accounts and a credit card and with current technology it was so easy for him to syphon money to fund these activities. This was another gut punch of a betrayal.

I am coming to terms with my passive approach being due to fear. I feel he will move on as soon as I ask him to leave if he continues his current course and doesn’t work a strong program. It hurts to think about. But I am realizing that his actions after I set a boundary are not my responsibility. If he is committed to getting better, putting my daughter and our marriage first, he won’t move on to his next victim. He will live with integrity. If he isn’t ready to do the work and get better he will jump into his next mess. This would happen if he stays or leaves. I just need to sit back and watch to see his intentions.

[This message edited by NeedingGrace at 12:45 PM, Thursday, April 27th]

Bluerthanblue- I have never heard of the term "financial infidelity" before. It really hit home. He did have other accounts and a credit card and with current technology it was so easy for him to syphon money to fund these activities. This was another gut punch of a betrayal.

It's worth doing a search for resources and articles pertaining to financial infidelity so you can educate yourself on how to protect yourself now and in the future.

He is also actively engaged in NA and has a sponsor there. He’s attending meetings between the two fellowships at least every day. Unfortunately he has used these in the past as a cover when he visited the escorts, and to speak with the girls he was talking to online on the way to and from meetings.

Quite honestly, it really disturbs me that a man who is still grappling with sex addiction, including patronizing prostitutes, is serving as a sponsor at NA meetings, where we has access to and can serve as a mentor to vulnerable people who are in the throes of addiction and may have been involved in the sex trade to feed their habits. He seems like the kind of guy who might engage with "13th stepping" (Google it), which is term used in 12-step program circles to describe a more experienced member pursuing a romantic relationship with someone new to recovery.

The fact that he would use his participation in a recovery program as cover for his infidelity is despicable in and of itself. Based on this and the fact that he is no position to be providing help and guidance to other people when he has much to fix himself, I don't think he should be going to these meetings and should find another avenue to maintain his sobriety from drugs.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:43 PM, Thursday, April 27th]

He has a sponsor-he is not a sponsor.

Hi @NeedingGrace I'm so sorry you're having to deal with so much in your marriage and my heart goes out to you.

From all you've said, I wonder can there be light at the end of this tunnel and then I remember that miracles happen and people do have the ability and fortitude within them to change if they are truly committed to changing.
So my hope is that this will be the case for your H and that indeed the grace and wisdom that you need to navigate this situation will be available for you in great abundance.

Sending you much hugs ))).

[This message edited by BellaLee at 7:15 PM, Thursday, April 27th]

NeedingGrace, I am so sorry for what you are going through.

From your post, I see a very damaged man that constantly will need some of escape in his life. Drugs, sex done, is gambling next?

It’s your life and you know your husband best. But these are questions you should ask yourself:

Am I up for the path ahead with all the struggles, uncertainties and the constant threat to my health, finances and peace of mind?

Would it be fair to my daughter to have one parent battling addictions and the other parent dealing with the repercussions of those addictions?

If you still think your WH is worth all of the it, I won’t judge you. I am still in a broken marriage with a very complex individual haha. I am finding my normal in a very abnormal situation. So if you stay, make sure you find yours.

NeedingGrace

I’m sorry for the challenges you have faced and are facing.

I want you to stop and shift your focus for a second. If you end up D, it is not your fault EVEN IF YOU MAKE THAT DECISION.

I didn’t want to D my cheating H but during his affair he kept saying he wanted a D. Then a day or two later he would change his mind. Then a week later he wants a D.

When dday2 occurs (months of false reconciliation btw) I finally told him I was D him b/c I had no other choice. I had nothing left yo give him or the marriage. I did everything possible but unfortunately his choice to cheat won every time.

To this day it was the only time in 25 years of marriage I ever said the word Divorce to him. It still hurts me that I said but I have no guilt over it.

I hope you know that there are times you have to do what is best for you. You can’t love someone to be sober or monogamous or stop overeating or overspending. They either do it for themselves or it’s not going to stick.

You are not his mother nor his keeper. You are his spouse. His partner. It’s 50-50. You’ve endured so much already.

You need to know it’s OK to say "I am not doing this anymore". Whatever the outcome is that is HIS choice to make.

NeedingGrace, sorry I misread! I think his sponsor should be made aware of how he used his NA meetings as cover for his affairs. That's still something that needs to be addressed.

Look for a burner phone.

Bluerthanblue- no worries. His sponsor and therapist (who specializes in addiction) are both aware but he wasn’t honest with them until well after the fact when he was busted. Not a very hopeful picture :/

Hellfire- if he doesn’t have one now I am completely convinced it’s just a matter of time. He hasn’t changed- just gotten better at lying and hiding if the last six months have taught me anything.

NeedingGrace, if a friend were telling you what is in Thor first post, what advice would you give them? Sometimes taking a different kind set can help think through things a little easier.

That’s an interesting way to approach it. If this happened to a friend I’d tell them to get the hell out of there and never look back.

Guess I found my answer.

Three years of sunk costs, cheerleading and believing in this man exploded in my face. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to walk away.

Hundreds of hours of obsessing and trying to figure out what made him this way, why he did it, how he could do this to me and his daughter. What a waste of time.

He did it…. Because he wanted to.

"I didn’t think about how it would effect you" if that’s true he’s a psychopath, and if it’s not true it means he thought about it and decided his selfish wants here more important then my well-being.

I’ve reframed, with help from the comments here, "can he change?" to "do I want to be in a relationship where I am treated like this?". I know my answer.

I want to be in a relationship where I am respected. I want a relationship built on honestly. I want my partner to make choices that would not harm me. It’s not a lot to ask. Unless you are my husband.

It took awhile before my heart caught up with my head. My XWH told me that he didn't think I'd find out, and he didn't think there would be any consequences. It doesn't help that he's a covert narc.

[This message edited by leafields at 7:52 PM, Sunday, April 30th]

That is a very difficult place to be. Have you considered counseling?