You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts
The infidelity grief and healing timeline
The time it takes to "feel better" again is something that is frequently talked about on this site and while it is profoundly different for everyone, I thought it might be helpful for some of us "old timers" to share theirs - whet happened and how they feel today/where they are today. I'll start with my own, which I think lasted longer due to False R. In a quick recap d-day 1 was 10/1/17 and d-day 2 was 10/1/18, with d-day 3 falling somewhere around the end of March 2019. I divorced him at the end of 2019 but we lived in the same house until the beginning of 2021 when I moved away. I started feeling better when I took control of my own life in 2019 and decided planning to leave him. I was truly at peace in 2021 when I ddi move away. WH and I still date, albeit long distance. And I am happy with my life and NOT AT ALL consumed by the A. I do not believe there is any coincidence between my staring to feel better and when I started to focus on ME and not WH. It made ALL the difference.
Rollercoaster stated in 2017. Got off the rollercoaster in 2021.
WH and I were together for about 7 years before I moved across the country to be with him. We do not have any children - WH has a disabled child with an ex girlfriend from many years ago - she and his child live far from us. WH's A was with a married co-worker. He also worked with the AP's spouse, who he knew and was good friends with before either WH or the OBS knew the AP. AP and OBS also met at work and married several years later. WH was in their wedding and socialized with them, although less so after they were married. The A started about 2 years after their were married and very shortly after the birth of their first (and only) child.
A started spring of 2017. D-day 1 10/1/17. After seeing a strange item on the credit card bill when I was home for a weekend, and suspecting WH was up to something for several months prior, I confronted. I was working out of state on a contract job for 12 months - it was month 10 when I discovered the A. Wh admitted it, said it had ended recently (lie), that for him it was just sex but she was also emotionally attached. He admitted the sexual activity always took place at our house, and there really wasn't a place in our home they didn't have sex the 2-4 times a week they could. She would come to the house when she got off work and they would spend and hour or two before she would have to leave.
I was devastated and crying, unable to focus on my job (which I had to return to), and really unable to focus on much of anything. I had so much trouble focusing I actually drove off from the gas station with the gas pump still attached to my car, resulting in ripping the line off when my car was not full. I went inside and apologized, offered to pay for the damage to the pump and left. I had to return to another gas station to get gas later that day and DID THE SAME THING AGAIN. In other words, I was so unfocused I forgot I was putting gas in my car twice in the same day, driving away from the pump both times. I often sobbed on the floor of my house uncontrollably - and if not for my dogs (which required walks as my rental did not have a fenced yard) I think I would have remained glued to the carpet with stands of carpet fibers stuck to my face by tears most times. WH begged and pleaded for my return, as I indicated maybe I should just find a new job elsewhere and not return.
The A ended at d-day, but he went back to it several days later and kept it a secret for the next year. Often telling me he was "not sure" he wanted to remain together. Some days he was irritable and nothing I did was right. Other days he seemed elated to be with me. He would get annoyed and give me the silent treatment when I would try to discuss the A, or get mad that I "could never be over it." Our sex life remained robust - just as it was before. I felt CRAZY most days, going back and forth between not trusting him and all, searching for clues of what he was up to, and berating myself for not trusting him. I joined this site that July as I was usually convinced the A had not stopped or at least that WH did not have any interest in me. It was all a lie. One year to the day after d-day 2 I recorded his call with her - replete with I love yous and all kinds of lies about how we no longer had sex, that I was planing to move away (in reality he had just convinced me to take a local job with a 2 year contract, which I had stupidly done). They had taken the A underground, decided not to have physical intercourse anymore but did all kinds of other gross disgusting things instead. This time I told OBS immediately. Again, luckily, when caught he admitted it - that it had never stopped except for brief times when he ended it, only to go back. He refused to admit that he thought he was in love with her, and again he begged me not to leave him, which I did not because in part, I had not made any financial plans to leave, so leaving my job would have been a bad career move. He ended the A in earnest for 3 months, during which time she would call and send me horrible messages about how I had ruined her life.
Again I was unable to function, but this time it impacted my work. I had to tell my boss what had happened and why my work was so bad. I also confided in a friend, when before I had kept it all to myself. I was embarrassed, humiliated - the same as the first time but worse as now I knew WH could look me in the eye and lie, even with all my pain, even knowing how much he had hurt me. I cried daily in my car at lunch. I lost an insane amount of weight.
A resumed in 1/2019 - and I caught him in March or April of 2019. WH told me he wanted me to leave because I "could never be happy" which was in turn ruining his happiness. That was the moment for me (as stupid as it sounds - there were so many moments that should have been "the moment" before. This time things were different for me. I no longer cared about losing him and I had begun to put plans in place to leave him. And, I STARTED TO FEEL BETTER. While that ended up being the end of the A, I did not know that would happen nor did I have any reason to believe that it would at the time. It's not that I did not cry. It's not that I did not hurt. It is because I was taking some control over my life and giving up the crazy idea that I could somehow control him. I let go of controlling the outcome for "us" and decided to control the outcome for ME. We divorced later that year, and I had planned to move out and buy a place when my job ended - but COVID lockdown pushed those plans out by a bit and I ended up moving out at the beginning of 2021. By the time I left WH in 2021 I was happy to go - weirdly he was also in the process of working on himself - which he still does today.
My life is far from perfect, and finances were a stuggle BUT I would NEVER go back to the police state that was my marriage post-A again. Ever. The worst of times for me now are better than the best days I had of false R. My self esteem has returned and I've learned some valuable but necessary lessons about people, and about myself in the process.
3 comments posted: Saturday, May 25th, 2024
