SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dealing with aftermath of being cheated on.

My bf has had sex multiple times with other girls and even had a threesome with a girl and his friend in OUR bed when I wasn't home.

It started with messaging a girl in another country on IG for the entirity of our relationship. I found out.  He told me he only did this because there was no chance of them meeting irl. Begged to work things out and was sorry..

Then a year later a girl contacted me.. he had oral sex with a girl on his trip, which contradicted what he said about not meeting irl and actually having sex. After expressing his regret he told me he doesn't consider it cheating if he comes back home to me and doesnt contact the girl after. He opened the conversation about wanting an open relationship. I didn't want this and I also told him that while some couples have this agreement, we didnt have this agreement, and he knows that very very well, thus making it still cheating.. I needed some time to think what i wanted but when I got hysterical after seeing a girl take a photo of us and then asking for his IG i realized i can't do an open relationship. 

Later we broke up due to other reasons, and then got back together. He met some girl during our break up and then continued talking to her after we got back together without me knowing. His friend was visiting and since i still had an apprtmnt from the time we broke up i slept there and his friend stayed over. 5 weeks later he is achting weird distant never said i love you etc but denied anything being wrong, asking why I make problems where there aren't any. He also asked me during this conversation if i know something? No? Then why assume there is something? This comment made me suspicious so i looked through his phone and i found a chat with this girl, talking about videos she owes him and then a bunch of suggestive (sex)talk, how she will show him the video's irl if he wants more and shell make him come fast. He went to her right before having dinner with his friends and half an hour later they message again (in suggestive language)  about  how good it was so they had sex. Couldn't see the video's they were talking about so i went to his gallery to find 2 video's of them having sex with his friend that was staying over (threesome). So  not only did he have sex with her, they had a threesome IN OUR BED on the night i went away ( wich i did back then so his friend could comfortably crash in his house) 

When i found out i confronted him the day after and he expressed how sorry he was and that he is a piece of shit and i deserve better but he can't lose me. I made him tell her he had a girlfriend and made him block her right away. He said that he will do anything to make me feel better and to take care of me. I asked him to tell me what happened in detail and he also mentioned they cleaned the sheets (that comment just gave me the ick really. Just exactly what the hell did they do the three of them?) before i and his parents came since they were visiting the day after the threesome happened.

I walked around like a zombie for 1.5 weeks and started loosening up a little bit, but it's hard for me to be physical and to open up to him again.

I still have many questions unanswered and feel disgusted  sleeping in the same bed it happened and it is making my head spin and i am imagining the worst. I want to know the specific sexual things they did anal/dp/.. because my brain will make it into a fantasy which may be far worst than the (already disgusting) truth.

He feels that I still can't be intimate with him and naturally starts pulling away now too.

I stayed both times.

I could get past the messaging and somehow I could get past the oral sex situation.

The threesome and the actual sex he had really devastated me and has cracked something in me ever since. I am not able to be intimate with him anymore and am not proud of myself for staying even though this time I really realized how shitty my relationship is. yet I still stay and yet I don't know how I can repair this relationship back to how it should be.

[This message edited by Ifyoulikepinacoladas at 11:38 PM, Tuesday, December 10th]

"yet I don't know how I can repair this relationship back to how it should be"

You can’t repair it. Only he can do that and he is not so inclined.

You’re lucky to have learned the truth about him before you had made a larger investment.

Live and learn. Move on.

He failed the bf test. Unless you want a life of heartbreak, dump this loser.

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some with bull's eye icons, because they contain a lot of great information. The Healing Library at the top of the site is a great resource, too.

Please see a doctor and be tested for STDs/STIs. There are some very nasty diseases out there that can turn to cancer and kill you. He has put your life at danger with his cheating. If you are struggling with depression or sleeping, also ask for meds to help you through this rough stage.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can help you through this.

He has shown you who he is - a serial cheater - and you should believe what you have found. Serial cheaters rarely change their behaviors. They usually don't have the integrity to change into a safe partner because they don't want to.

He's failed the boyfriend test. Please let him go.

You may also wish to remove the bed so you don't have to deal with the mind movies.

In the kindest way you really truly deserve better. I know it is so so hard to walk away but you are not married and especially if you have no kids this person will cause you heartbreak. He has very poor boundaries and I just don’t think he truly wants to be monogamous but wants to enjoy the benefits of having a stable girlfriend. It is deeply unfair to you.

I married a serial cheater, not knowing he is a serial cheater. had I known in the beginning what he was doing, I would have run the other way. People like that can change but it comes at a cost to you. Are you willing to put your needs, peace of mind and sanity aside just to be with a cheater? I agree with gr8ful, he is a loser, and you should run as far away from him as you can. count your lucky stars and thank him for showing you the real person now instead of a few years down the road when you're married with a couple of kids.
you deserve to be treated with love and respect, unfortunately he failed miserably in that department. take care of yourself and remember, you deserve much more than what this schmuck is giving you.

He is not a boyfriend. He is not a friend. He is not reliable. He is dangerous because every single person he has had sex with you have had sex with. He is possibly a cauldron of germs and viruses that can’t be cured. If you like this lifestyle use safe measures. If not, you will be dealing with this the entire relationship.
I could not bring myself to read the whole thing because I could not get past the absolute disrespect he had for you. I hope you have moved on.

The longer you stay with him, expect more of the same behavior.

Hi there,

I am so sorry to hear your situation, it is so incredibly painful. It is so hard when you are in the middle of it, it can be difficult to take a step back and look at things objectively. Things that seem so obvious when you are on the outside, mysteriously become so confusing when you are in the throes of it. I would like to share some of my observations based on my own infidelity experience. I am not sure how old you are, so please forgive me if any of this comes across patronizing, that is not my intent.

I googled character and I got back "the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual". Character is a critical trait in a partner. Often times, it takes a back seat to looks and charm, but it is decidedly more important. The character of your partner is critical and will come into play frequently as you weather life together. EVERYONE goes through trials and challenges in their lives. Tragedies and illnesses happen to literally everyone, and you need someone who has a solid character and will prioritize you and your in every situation. Your wayward boyfriends actions have disqualified him as a partner. He has demonstrated that he has the capacity for deception and betrayal when everything is normal and the relationship is still new. How can you count on him when you lose your job? Have a miscarriage? Get cancer? Lose your parent? Get in a car accident? All of these things are related, because when it comes down to it, he consistently prioritizes his impulses over your relationship.

Making character changes is hard. The cheater does not like to feel bad. In fact, they use cheating as a coping tool not to feel bad. They generally avoid bad feelings altogether. Examine yourself critically feels really bad, especially if you have been playing a reprising role as a villain in someone else's life. First you have to admit you suck, then you have to do really hard work not to suck (change thought patterns, examine weakness, build boundaries after not ever having any, etc) and the truth is, the thing that gives them permission to cheat is the very same thing that prevents them from any meaningful self-examination. That means your boyfriend would have to do some very intensive therapy work (and maturing) before he would be a good candidate for a long term partner. Does he really have it in him?

Words can be used as a tool for manipulation. They can be very beautiful and give us hope and make us think they really finally "get it". Words are easy, all he has to do is say them and they work! He does not have to take any action whatsoever, he can simply say he will, and that will be good enough! Words alone were enough to keep me in a toxic abusive relationship for SEVEN YEARS. For this reason, I am going to ask you to disregard EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth and focus solely on his actions. Don't tell him what to do. Why should you fix it, you didn't do anything? Just sit back and observe. If he is truly making meaningful changes, you should see:

-No blame shifting. He takes ALL responsibility for the choices he has made. No blaming other women for pursuing him. No blaming you for not be good enough. He needs to take TOTAL responsibility for the harm he causes.
-Demonstrates he understands the damage he has done. He never criticizes you for taking too long to get over it
-Anticipates your triggers and supports you however you need until you come out of it
-Is not deceptive about other things
-Completely transparent, eager to prove that he is being truthful and faithful
-Checks on you regularly
-Does not use anger to manipulate you into not asking questions or reacting because you are scared he is going to get angry

I am sure others could provide more examples, but you get it. He would make a 180 degree change and it would just FEEL completely different. If you do not see that level of change, then you need to call it. Life is precious, time is precious and you will experience more than just betrayal and cheating, mine also lied about finances, drinking and gambling, but it doesn't even have to be serious betrayal to make you miserable.

My cheater was my second marriage and I also held off on leaving because I didn't want to be that girl who had been married and divorced twice. I also was scared I couldn't hack it on my own as a single mom of two kids. I was also concerned that I would never find healthy love. My fear was a LIAR! I am now a twice divorced, HOMEOWNER, single mom of three kids that is dating the most caring, stand up man. I didn't find my healthy love until I was 40! If I never left my POS XWH, I would still be dealing with his bullshit now, but the fact is that relationship is now just a shitty memory.

Keep posting here, we totally get it. You will get a lot of people that say "LEAVE" and it may feel frustrating cause you just want to fix it, but we are just trying to prevent you from wasting the time, money and energy that we did. Please do not bring your wayward boyfriend here because he can use what we tell you to manipulate you further.

<3

RUN. He is not boyfriend, let along marriage/lifelong partner material.

And remember, when you make a break - make it clean. No being friends, no being social media followers, nothing, nada, zilch.

It OK to mourn the loss of who you thought he was.

Please listen to all the people here.
If you stay with your wayward person, you are voluntarily signing yourself up for years of heartache.

I married a serial cheater & was cheated on for 21 years before I found out.
If I could go back & redo my decision to marry him, I would not have married him.

I feel like my WH wasted my life because I didn't know what he was doing.
Remove yourself while you can.