Betrayal trauma support groups and anxiety

Hello all. Thank you for reading.
I am 18 months from d day but had trickle truth for four months and then my WH broke no contact a month after that with communication but no in person contact.
AP lives on the opposite coast. General cake eating affair. No plans to leave the marriage or deep feelings for the AP. I feel like I know the whole story. As much as any of us can. We’ve both been tested. Been through the initial shock and first crazy year.

Since he broke no contact about a 14 months ago he’s been a model wayward trying to save the marriage. I know he is truly remorseful.

I found a group through my church that is called beyond betrayal it is a specific curriculum for betrayed wives.
Firstly does anyone have experience doing this and what did you get out of it?

I went to one meeting and it was so good to be around other people that have and are experiencing this awful reality but it was extremely triggering. I slept terribly and cried and feel anxious today.
I would really like to have some close friends that can relate to this. I think I could develop that in this group. But I’m afraid it may be ripping the band aid off weekly. I feel like my emotions are on a tight rope and I can easily get blown off course.

I’m also in this wierd in between phase of still not sure that I want to reconcile. Even though my WH is doing everything possible.
My WH was gone last week on a fishing trip and I felt so much peace. We did talk and text a little but just not being around him helped. I missed having the company but I felt at peace. Of course we’re not separated and still trying to reconcile so I keep telling myself that of course you felt fine. You are not facing separation and the stress and pain of that.
I still at times feel anxiety with him. I still think about what he did and how traumatic it was. I am not anxious about him cheating again. I almost don’t care. It would hurt but would not be like that first time. He’s already cheated and blown up my world. Is it Normal to still have this level of anxiety and ambivalence at a year and half out? I am really trying to just focus on what I need and my own healing. I meditate do therapy, yoga, trying to improve friendships. I suppose it’s just time will tell if I can be happy with him again.
I’ve also recently asked him to sleep in a spare room because I get too emotional at night and feel anxious next to him. I’ve tried talking with him and working through this rationally. He’s very supportive but I don’t find any comfort in him anymore. So far it’s not helping so he’s just sleeping upstairs. I typically don’t have problems being intimate but I don’t have a problem cutting out the emotional component of that experience.
I know I am still so early in this process. It’s just every day feels so difficult and I dread that I may be like this for another year or two. Thank you for any thoughts.

5 comments posted: Tuesday, September 19th, 2023

Struggling at one year out

Hello All,
I have been lurking and reading off and on for a little over a year. So much of the advice on this site has been so helpful. I wish that I was not here, but I know that we all feel this same way.
WH is 45, I am BW almost 47, two kids age 18 and 15. Married 20 years.

Dday was March of 2022, found texts on his phone that he swore was just a work friendship. Later found out the AP was long distance on the opposite coast and he had met her at a conference March of 2021.
He swore it was just a friendship and I was so naive and scared I did not look through his phone more. I did have a nagging feeling that he was lying and of course he was. Found out in July 2022 that they had sex on two occasions at conferences over that year and that he had been texting and calling her up until I found out in March. He finally told me after lying for 3 months. I do think that she was more the pursuer, but to me that does not really matter in the slightest. I am a year out and feel like I have the truth. I have looked at the texts that I wanted to look at. There was never any future plans, talk of love or anything sexual in the texts. It was more like a friendship with benefits. Yuck. He says he never wanted to leave me, always loved me, and in his distorted, highly compartmentalized mind I do think this was the case. Typical cake eating type of affair after looking at it from a distance.
Overall we have had a very good marriage, I was always proud of our M, proud that he was my husband. He is military and I have tirelessly taken care of things at home and I work full time as well. I do feel like he has loved me and has been a good husband overall, but after the blinders are taken off I certainly see so much selfishness that I did not see as much before.
The couple of years before his affair he was struggling with work, feeling criticized and passed over for a promotion. We talked about it alot, I tried to be very supportive. I was also dealing with a very emotionally unwell teenager that has required a huge amount of time and energy from me. This has been ongoing and we have a diagnosis of autism and borderline personality disorder for my child. I am homeschooling and trying to do the best I can with that child. During his affair I was struggling the worst I have in my life. I was so mentally drained and despondent due to my child being so mentally unwell. On the outside of course he seemed supportive but he did nothing during that time to truly support me and he was escaping into his affair world acting as a teenager would.I only mention our back story because I do think that life events surrounding the affair are making my healing more difficult. I see his betrayal as so deep, in many areas of my life.
he started showing me changes. He has done IC, met with our pastor weekly. He is completely transparant with phone, location, all devices. I have seen nothing as far as any contact with her or anyhthing inappropriate. I am truly not too worried about that at this time. The hypervigilence I had a year ago has dissipated quite a lot to almost nothing. He is very ashamed, regrets this deeply, truly remorseful and puts no blame on me. I have raged against him and cry almost daily and he is available and never tells me I need to get over it. He has stepped up for sure, but I feel like I am just floating in the wind. I do not feel like our relationship will ever be what I want it to be. I feel more closed off than I did a year ago, even 6 months ago sometimes.
I am still very up and down and do have good days. We have traveled together and done things together. We get along really really well, but we typically always had until the year of the affair. He was very irritable, critical and short with me the year of the affair and the year before off and on. I chalked it up to his work situation, but I now see it was his whole entitled, selfish mindset. I have told him I will never accept that again no matter what.
After a year of IC, meeting with church leaders, journaling, yoga, mindfulness, EMDR, I still feel so much in the same place. I am still angry and sad most days. I will have stretches of good days occasionally, but I actually felt more connected and hopeful last fall. It is frustrating and making me wonder if I just do not have it in me to continue a relationship with someone that was capable of this.
I do think of my children and how much this would hurt them. They think we are the poster children of a great marriage. Because we were, before this. And logistically I know this will add another decade of me needing to work, so financially it has big ramifications, and so much turmoil to my life if we separate/divorce.
So, I try to think eventually I can be ok and keep my comfortable life and the companionship of my husband, and again we do enjoy each other's company and he is doing all that he can to be a better person. I do think that he is really digging deep and I do not see that he would do this again, although I know there are no guarantees. I also do not have much hope for finding some new great love at this point in my life. So, I look at it as either choosing to just be alone and being happy in that state of being, versus trying to find some sort of happiness and peace in my current relationship.
I am just so weary at a year out. I feel like I am pulling away and that our relationship is worse than it ever was. I think that I just thought I would feel more progress in how I feel day to day than I have. However, after reading here, it does seem like for most people at a little over a year things are still very acutely painful, so maybe this is normal and I need to just give it time. I feel clueless. Thank you for all of your thoughts.

14 comments posted: Wednesday, May 3rd, 2023