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She kinda freaked when I brought up a polygraph, which is concerning. Her thinking is that this was so long ago it shouldn’t really have an impact on our marriage now, which I disagree with.

She kinda freaked when I brought up a polygraph, which is concerning. Her thinking is that this was so long ago it shouldn’t really have an impact on our marriage now, which I disagree with.

I’m sorry but her reaction is incredibly damning. Tell her that you’ve both made horrible choices and that the only way for your M to heal is to get all truth on the table, however ugly it is. Tell her you will BOTH write timelines of what you did, and both of you will sit for polygraphs to confirm what you’ve written is truth, AND that NOTHING has been left out of the written timeline, since the day you two met.

If she continues to refuse, you have no choice but to assume the worst, and that she’d rather let the M go down in flames than tell you the truth. If that’s her choice, you have no M anyways.

Sorry man.

Totally agree. Her argument that this could be damaging to our marriage. My response is that, this whole thing is damaging. Why not fully agree to this if it gets me past this thing and we can then move forward. But I can’t move forward if I don’t believe her. And I desperately want to believe her.

Her thinking is that this was so long ago it shouldn’t really have an impact on our marriage now, which I disagree with.

One suggested approach. Tell her that you never fully processed what you believe happened, while she has had decades to do so. The marriage requires both of you to fully participate, so it's time for you to deal with it. It's time for her to prove that her story is true so you can put it all to rest.
Sincerely, are you prepared to end things if your worst fears are confirmed, e.g., that she had a full-blown physical affair for months or years? Depending on your state of mind, you can also say that if she admits that she lied/minimized or some combination thereof, you may divorce. However, if you find out some other way, you will divorce. But that shouldn't be a bluff.

She kinda freaked when I brought up a polygraph, which is concerning. Her thinking is that this was so long ago it shouldn’t really have an impact on our marriage now, which I disagree with.

@DakotaBoy

There is world that the statement above it true. A person's past behavior almost always is the best indicator of the person they are, and in many ways how they really think.

If you want ask her does she believe you would have married her knowing she was a cheater? Do you really believe you want people in your lives who helped hide her behavior? Ask her do you not believe the marriage is already damaged and decaying due to her lies and behavior .

I would press the polygraph not so much to actually see the results, I suspect you already know she did something. I would want to so called "parking lot" confession (that members here have mentioned, great name for it btw) where the WS starts confessing everything before they walk in for the test.

She kinda freaked when I brought up a polygraph, which is concerning

Did you also offer a complete timeline of your affair and polygraph to confirm you haven't cheated other than the one time?

Did you also offer a complete timeline of your affair and polygraph to confirm you haven't cheated other than the one time?

No, and I don’t plan to.

A person that's innocent will go out of their way to prove their innocence. If she has nothing to hide she would have jumped on the idea of a polygraph. But instead she made an excuse not to take it. Red flag!!!

IMHO you will never get the truth from her unless she is in a situation where she has no choice but to confess.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's very hard to continue to be in a relationship without honesty and trust. Good luck OP!!!

I do not understand why you demand that she come clean, but you didn't offer the same. What's behind that?

A person's past behavior almost always is the best indicator of the person they are....

My W past behavior was helping innumerable people (she wrote a text book used by US government agencies and some colleges), and she's helped a number of other people with her teaching, counseling, and being a good friend and W (though not during her A).

The vast majority of us, including me, have done admirable and some horrible things. IOW, using past behavior to predict the future isn't very reliable - we can't predict whether the drive to do good or the drive to do evil will prevail.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:45 PM, Monday, December 9th]

" I do not understand why you demand that she come clean, but you didn't offer the same. What's behind that?

We worked through that. I was honest. I don’t see the need to relitigate that affair.

I think you can save yourself hundreds of dollars on a polygraph because her reaction to the suggestion of one has told you all you need to know.

I think you can save yourself hundreds of dollars on a polygraph because her reaction to the suggestion of one has told you all you need to know.

I don’t disagree. I’ve begged her to be honest. BEGGED. I have to be sure though. My kids are my entire world, and she has been an amazing wife and mother, I love her very much. I’ll give her one last chance to come clean. I did tell her a couple of nights ago that I can’t live with this hanging over our relationship for the rest of our lives. And if she fails the poly, that’d be grounds for divorce.

And if she fails the poly, that’d be grounds for divorce.

As was and is your affair, right?

I recommend you shift your perspective, at least consider it. Treat a polygraph as a favor to her. To her benefit, not yours. If she is truthful (which means she passes the polygraph, right? Failure would mean she lies in it) then she no longer has to live a double life. And she no longer has you wondering either. Out it in your past.

This means, though, that your goal in all this is the truth, whatever it is. And you agree to give her a "get out of jail free" card going into the polygraph. No matter what the truth is, you accept it and will move forward.

If this is too hard to deal with as you are, consider trying to change who you are. See a therapist, get individual counseling.

Could you clarify some things:

You say if she fails the poly then it’s grounds for divorce.
What do you mean by "fails the poly"?
Do you mean that if she confesses to having had an affair before taking the poly you will divorce her?
Do you mean that if she fails by saying "no" to the question "Have you had sex with OM" you will divorce her?

What I’m trying to find out is what the dialogue is at your home. Are you telling her that if she cheated then you are divorcing her. If so – then no wonder she’s refusing to take the poly. She has nothing to lose and everything to gain (assuming she wants this marriage).

Frankly – I’m not so certain the serious issue being if she cheated or not. Simply based on her reaction to the request of a poly you can assume she cheated. It definitely is a big deal – just like your affair was a big deal to her. Not that affairs are something people get "even" on, and maybe she can remain in a marriage with a cheating spouse even if you can’t. But I think the real issue is the not knowing.... the lies and deceit.

I suggest you think long and hard at how you would react if your wife told you the truth and if that truth was that she cheated. What would be your next step. If it really is divorce – I suggest you simply add 2 and 2 and realize that her refusal to take the poly is a definite 4.
If not – if the real issue is the truth... I have other suggestions for you on how to get that goal.

The real issue is the truth. I’m really not willing to divorce her over something that happened before we were married, as much as it hurts as it was with my best friend. Who is still in our lives, for now. I can get over it, I just need to know what I am getting over. I don’t believe she’s being honest, because she is scared of my possible reaction (divorce). That and she’s dug in really deep on her "nothing happened" story. I’ve told her repeatedly that I can handle anything she would tell me. But I can’t handle being lied to.

I doubt I'll be returning to your thread.

I don't believe you to be an honest dealer. I think you are hiding something, and that is the main reason you are projecting on your wife hiding something.

I doubt I'll be returning to your thread.

I don't believe you to be an honest dealer. I think you are hiding something, and that is the main reason you are projecting on your wife hiding something

.

Ok.

It certainly sounds like it was most likely a PA and the fact that she is so scared to take the polygraph. Are you planning on D if she does not take polygraph?

If she fails the polygraph then at least you know it's a PA, but this is compounded by the fact that you also had a PA and seems a bit hypocritical. Would you be D'ing over the lying?

If you are not going to divorce her if she had a PA prior to your marriage, and you believe she did, then in the absence of negating evidence just accept as 100% fact she did and move on. Work from that place. Tell her you know she did it, and that’s that.

If she disagrees, she can a lie detector test and prove otherwise.

You trying to prove she did puts her in control. Her trying to prove she didn’t puts you in control.