SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my wife and I have been married for 17 years and most of it has been great. We have two beautiful children, good jobs, nice house, etc….

I recently found out about an EA and probable (in my opinion) PA that my wife (then girlfriend) had with my best friend. Will call him Joe for this story. My wife and I are HS sweethearts, went to college together for a bit and then did the long distance thing for approx. 2 years while she finished school. She then moved to the city I live in and we moved in together. Should mention Joe lives in the same city, we have been best friends since college, were roommates, best man in my wedding, I was the best man in his. Just before I proposed, again we were living together, I saw a Tex exchange between Joe and my GF. She said something like "I miss you, do you miss me" and then something about "getting together". Memory is a bit fuzzy, but I immediately drove to Joe’s house and confronted him. I remember him saying something like "I dont know man, sometimes she flirts with me". For whatever reason, I buried that convo and proceeded with the proposal.

Recently I had mentioned those texts and how they have always bothered me. She then let a little bit of info slip out of her mouth that has put me on the roller coaster I’m about to describe below. All which happened before we were married and ages 23-25.

* Mentions that they shared a bed (at her apartment) during a music festival. Swears that "nothing happened". Then a week or so later I figured out this was night one of a two night ordeal. Night one was the apartment, night two was the festival where they slept in a tent together where again "nothing happened". There were two other guys with, friends of Joe, who wouldn’t tell me then or now if anything actually did happen. At the time I was under the impression that my GF was going with her roommates and Joe was also going to be there. I absolutely trusted the guy and had no idea that this was technically GF and Joe going together.

*Wife admitted to at least a 2 year texting relationship with Joe. From what I can gather this was while we were living apart and the one year while we were living together. And I think it ended when I proposed. I think…..

Should mention that about 10 years ago I had a PA with a co-worker. It was a one night thing that I absolutely regret and told my wife about it. We have been rock solid up unitl now.

Maybe I’m being silly as this all happened 18-20yrs. Ago and I certainly screwed up during our marriage. But I can’t shake the feeling that she is not being honest about what really went down between her and Joe. I plan on talking to him about it soon.

Opposite sex during their early twenties do not just share a bed. Young men at that age will try to tap anything and everything that will allow them. I'm not saying that they did in fact have sex but it seems suspicious. If nothing happened why would Joe's friends not tell you that nothing happened? I wonder the reason why she forgave you for your own indiscretion. Maybe in her eyes you guys are even.

Welcome to SI and am sorry that infidelity has touched your life. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that may be helpful. The Healing Library has a ton of great info, too.

Have you sat your WW (wayward wife) down and had a discussion or asked her to write a timeline? She probably won't remember some of the details, but she should remember something about the festival you mentioned.

Yes. I've been begging for more info. She "doesn't remember" a lot. Which I kind of get, since it was so long ago. But she's definitely not being honest when she can't even give me context about what the texting was about. She's just said it was probably inappropriate. And I sure as hell don't believe her about the festival.

OP I can fully understand why you need her to be honest about what transpired back then. You'll never fully have piece of mind as the stonewalling just makes things that much worse. However, I think you can safely assume that that there was indeed sex, at least during the two days in question, and maybe more. Assuming that to be true, where do you go from here? I think you need to figure that out. In view of your indiscretion, you may be able to fully put it to bed provided she opens up and is honest with you.

Hi DakotaBoy,

I also found out long after the affair, 14 years after for me. I got all the story I could from her, I had my doubts about her honesty, so I had her take a polygraph.

It songs like you want to know if she had sex with him. Have her take a polygraph.

I'm seriously considering that. I can truly get over whatever happened. What I can't get over is her not being honest.

Well you are a mad hatter, so this will need to be moved to WW side or general.

That said. It seems like rugsweeping has reared its head. When you say "text relationship" do you mean sexting? If so, I would say the chances they didn't have sex were really close to zero. The kind of probabilities that would normally be written in scientific notation to avoid the leading zeroes.

  Moving to General

OP, I think you should seriously consider a polygraph. It may not even be necessary, as there tends to be a lot of confessions resulting from just scheduling one.
Also, have her read Joseph's Letter here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/

Should mention that about 10 years ago I had a PA with a co-worker. It was a one night thing that I absolutely regret and told my wife about it. We have been rock solid up unitl now.

So how long did it take after your affair for you to become rock solid?

Probably a year.

Maybe ask her to write out a timeline from what she can remember. Dates and certain details may not be something she remembers, but the general idea and a general timeframe could be a start. From there, I would take the above advice and ask for a polygraph. There is a little riskier maneuver… tell her that you know everything and tell her she’s got one chance to tell you herself. Watch her actions, listen to her words, read the body language. I’m not saying that’s the best method, but it might work.

What would the consequences of discovering an affair be?
Let’s imagine a worst-case scenario: (1) Joe and WW had a sexual relationship during that period you were apart. Let’s even add some more trouble and (2) imagine that they continued with some sexting after that period. We could even make it worse by (3) imagining they have occasionally been sending texts since then – maybe intermittently.

So... What if your wife came out and confessed to (1) and possibly (2).
Would you believe her? If she said it was only once and she only gave him a hand-job?
Would you still have doubts as to the extent of the sexual interaction, the frequency, the time-frame?
If she told you she and Joe were at it like rabbits for a three month period... Would you still question (3)?

I think that to get some sense of closure you need a level of truth that you can accept.

You really need to evaluate what your reaction to "truth" will be. You also need to be aware that MAYBE your wife is telling the truth as she knows it.
If you think learning that (1) and (2) and even (3) took place would lead you to divorce... well... your wife doesn’t really have anything to lose by sticking to her "I don’t remember" story.

If the real factor is that she’s lying... and that after all these years you think you can get over her having cheated (as per your point-of-view) then the key issue IMHO is to get her to be honest OR convince you she is.

What about your best friend? If you were to discover that he had sex with your then-girlfriend or was in a sexting and flirtatious relationship with your wife... Will that end the friendship?

I can only suggest what I might do in your shoes.
To me the key issue would be the lying. I would need to feel I know the truth.
I would sit my wife down and let her know that this sense of her hiding the truth is what’s causing the damage. In light of you already having cheated and you expected her to stay in the marriage, then you would most of all want to work on the marriage even if she had an affair with Joe all those years ago. The key problem being that you don’t think you have the truth.
Tell her that this present situation of doubt will do more damage than knowing the truth. She has a window now to tell you the truth, but that you would want her to take a polygraph within 10 days where her truth is then confirmed. If what she says is true she will pass, and then it will be your task to work on your insecurities. If she fails – it let’s you know she doesn’t trust you with the truth. That would be worse than learning NOW about some affair in the past.

I would also consider talking to the friend. Let him know that your wife is going to tell you what she claims is true and that will be confirmed with a poly. You appreciate his friendship and that learning now about what happened will show that he appreciates you, whereas if he lies and then your wife confirms an affair... well... that would be the end of your friendship.

"(1) Joe and WW had a sexual relationship during that period you were apart. Let’s even add some more trouble and (2) imagine that they continued with some sexting after that period."

2 definitely happened. The text’s that I saw were one year after the music festival. Her and I lived together that entire year.

1. They at least spend 2 nights together where "nothing happened". She’s admitted to the 2 nights, but nothing more.

There’s just too much time here and too much opportunity for me to believe that out of a two year texting relationship. That started before the festival and continued up until the point that I proposed. It’s impossible to believe that nothing physical ever happened between them.

I can forgive anything, anything that happened before we were engaged. But anything after that, I’m not sure what I’ll do. And really I wouldn’t even be pushing this if it wasn’t with my best friend. Who is still (for now) my best friend. On that note, I think he is dead to me either way.

I am definitely leaning towards the polygraph.

[This message edited by DakotaBoy at 6:38 PM, Tuesday, December 3rd]

You should offer a timeline and polygraph in turn.

That person in not a friend.....really. A friend does not do that. A friend would have valued your relationship with the woman...respected it....respected you. They would have protected it in-fact. A true friend would have even come to you and warned you had this woman come onto him unprovoked.

I am so very sorry DakotaBoy. This hurts deep. I pray you have a a support system and that you will draw near to God.

Probably a year.

That is amazingly fast to go through the R process. It’d be helpful to folks to describe what happened, and how your wife was able to let go. Maybe her own history played into forgiving you so easily.

There were two other guys with, friends of Joe, who wouldn’t tell me then or now if anything actually did happen.

Hmmm, don't you think that this speaks volumes?

Unless you are omitting something (e.g. maybe you were aggressive questioning them?), wouldn't their response be a resounding 'Nothing happened' rather than avoiding answering you?

Another point to note, as they are Joe's friends, their loyalty would be to Joe. By them not backing Joe up, they could be harbouring a secret rather than lie to you.

Yes. 100%. I didn't ask them at the time because I had no idea what really went down that weekend. They sure as hell wouldn't tell me anything now.

BTW, how do I quote posts on this forum?