SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out two weeks ago that my partner of four years cheated on me two years ago with two different women over about a six month period. Unprotected, and infected himself and me with chlymydia as a result, which was only discovered along with all this.

Not only that, over the past two weeks I also learned that he completely and atrociously lied about his sexual history prior to us being together.

The only reason I am still here is because, aside from being madly in love with him, he is doing and saying all the right things now. He even told me to come to this forum because this is not his first rodeo with infidelity. He claims he is ashamed and disgusted with himself and made the decision two years ago to never engage in this behavior again, and is prepared to deal with all my rage and instability for as long as it takes. He has without any resistance given me access to every crazy thing I've asked for, and agreed to therapy for himself and us.

The first two years of our relationship was indeed a "situationship". It started during the pandemic and we both had chaotic things going in our lives and only saw each other once a week or so. That said, sexual exclusivity was discussed EXTENSIVELY as was the clear agreement that each would inform the other if we hooked up with anyone else. I checked in with him before, during, and after this six month period of infidelity.

Additionally when we first got together he told me he had been celibate since his ex-girlfriend four years prior, due to recovering from the shame incurred from losing her due to a previous episode of infidelity. He painted a picture of himself as a celibate person recovering from his former sexual indiscretions.

In all of this I learned that from 2017-2020 he actually went on what I can only describe as some kind of unhinged sex bender where he had a series of partners without disclosing his activity to the others. Most of them were casual, but a couple of them had strong feelings for him and were shattered as a result of him ultimately ghosting them.

He stopped for a period of a year when he met me, and then picked it up again for a period of about six months without telling me with the two aforementioned partners, and then, apparently, became disgusted with himself, quit, and about six months after that made a more formal commitment to a relationship with me. All was great and wonderful and we got a house about six months ago to start a life together, and then I find out THIS and I'm traumatized.

Everything he says does make sense. He describes his need to do this as a need for validation (I've since dubbed the term "validation kink"). In all honesty in spite of his many great qualities he is a bit of a hot mess as a person existing in this society, struggling to make things work due to executive dysfunction, severe ADHD, and some kind of other neurodivergence I'm sure, and a history of trauma - but he is handsome and charming and frankly damned good in bed, so when a woman is interested he says explains it as a kind of impulse to react to it and exercise his 'power' in that arena.

It all sounds pretty self-aware and as I said, he is doing and saying everything one could hope for in a person that might be genuinely remorseful and want to recover from this.

BUT DAMN. The Lies. FOUR YEARS of LIES is what's getting to me. I asked him SEVERAL times before we committed to starting a life together whether he had been with anyone during our 'situationship' or had any other secrets to disclose because I had a sense he was hiding shit from me due to the vibe of our 'situationship' He told me 'no' time and time again. And when I caught him, his first impulse was to continue to lie and downplay the level of sexual activity, and then continued to lie when I started questioning him about his past until I went nuclear and (with his knowledge) just started snooping relentlessly through his past shit and even having conversations with women from his past. Only then did I finally wear him down and he started volunteering what SEEMS to be the whole story.

But DAMN. The lies. And how he could deliver them for so long with such a straight face.

I'm so emotionally disregulated about this right now. In my heart of hearts I FEEL like he is sincere and that he wants to make this work and wants to be a better person. But he's also shown me what a damned good liar he is. I've looked him in the eye and BEGGED him to just leave me if this is another act. Said that if he cares about me even a little, if he's not genuine and if he's going to do this just get out of my life and leave me alone so he can go fuck around as much as he wants. But he insists he wants to make it work. He's 45 years old and he says he's disgusted with who he has been and just wants to be with me and grow old with me and never do that shit again. Meanwhile, me, 48 and have never been with anyone other than my former husband of 22 years and him in my whole adult life. I'm demisexual and I can't even fathom how someone does what he did on any kind of emotional level.

I want to believe him, but I don't know what to believe. My heart says once thing and my brain says another. Every time I'm with him there are horrible mind movies playing in my head and from one minute to the next I want to scream at him or just climb into his arms. UGH.

Oh my dear lord. He is a liar. I can't even.

I wish you peace. I don't think you can ever trust him.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Other people will be along to weigh in soon I am sure.

"Not only that, over the past two weeks I also learned that he completely and atrociously lied about his sexual history prior to us being together"

Many of us have experienced this. It is so hard when the person you expect to care for you and protect you and tell you the truth does something like this.

Please take exquisite care of yourself. Things like eating healthy, exercise, trauma informed emotional support, trauma informed competent medical care with full panel std test.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're here. At the top of the forum are some pinned posts that we recommend new members read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that have some great information. The Healing Library has a lot of information, and that's where the list of acronyms we use is located.

If he's been here before, then he's showing you that he's a serial cheater. It sounds like he hasn't done the work to be a safe partner. The tough part about serial cheaters is that they have a tough time changing. It can be done, but it is rare. If he's serious, then he will go to IC (Individual Counseling) to find out his whys and to work to become a safe partner.

IC for you to help deal with the trauma. If you can find a betrayal trauma specialist, it can be very beneficial. Bonus points if they work with infidelity.

Watch his actions and don't listen to his words. Cheaters lie, and then lie some more. He needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Although it is about a "spouse" it really is helpful for anyone in a committed relationship. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is another great book that you both could read.

If your girlfriend were telling you the story below, what advice would you give her? Are you really sure that you want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't value you and is willing to risk your health this way?

If you have trouble with depression or sleeping, please see a doctor for meds. Please practice a lot of self-care.

So sorry you find yourself here, but this, gently:

If he's been here before, then he's showing you that he's a serial cheater.

Not only is he a serial cheater, he's a serial liar who probably can never be trusted. So he's saying all the right things now while lying to you for two years (that you know of) and of his history prior. He also put your life in danger by having unprotected sex with God knows who. He said two? You cannot trust a thing out of his mouth right now. He also sounds like a master manipulator.

Please find a good IC for yourself.

He's shown you and others who he is, please believe him.

Take good care of yourself. Again, so sorry you got deeply involved with someone who is pretty much a fraud. His words are meaningless, his actions are what matters.

So sorry you are going through this. It really is so traumatizing and heartbreaking. I am glad you are here.

As a wife of a sex addict (whose husband has now been sober for almost two years), I feel lead to tell you that your husband is displaying addicted behavior. I know not everyone believes in sex addiction, but hear me out. Put it in the context of, say, alcoholism. Many people’s stories sound like his. Trying to stop multiple times, even having periods of relative sobriety, but then going back. Making promises to stop, but then doing it again anyway. Lieing.

I have a close work friend who is an alcoholic who has been sober for many years. When I told her about my husband’s trickle truth after d-day, and how it almost killed me, she said, "Ugh, trickle truth. I did the same thing to my loved ones as I got sober. It’s awful." See the parallel? Not everyone who cheats is an addict - obviously. But, then again, a good amount are.

I’m telling you this so you understand that he needs to take this seriously and he needs help. My husband chose a 12 step program, therapy, and a serious out patient program that he is STILL a part of.

Sex addiction is serious sh*t and it can lead to some really dark and dangerous places. I say all of this out of concern for you … and for him.

No matter what you choose to do, know that there are people out there who understand how awful it is to go through infidelity. Movies and tv shows (and even family and friends) would have you think it’s just a temporary blip and then you move on. But it’s not. It’s trauma. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I can relate. I am new here and just found out my husband of 22 years has been cheating on me for 13 years paying women he went to middle school or high school with for sex. He told me he picked women who he knew would not get upset if he ghosted them and were broke that would do what he wanted sexually for money and that hurt. He was paying at times several of them at the same time and D day I found out was on our 22 nd wedding anniversary when I looked at his work emails and saw him emailing the one he’s been with the longest setting up to meet with her when she came back in town. He has been omitting and trickling information to me so he’s definitely only sorry he got caught and not remorseful because he continues to lie. He’s in counseling with his new pastor but not sure if he’s being transparent there either but I had to protect myself and adult daughter physically, financially and emotionally because he’s also stolen money from me to fund his sexual habits. I’m also in counseling and talking to a divorce attorney.

I will be praying for you and pray you get the clarity you need to make the best decision for you and your family.

I'm sorry you're here.

The fact is that he already lost a previous significant relationship to infidelity and has now done it again. He's a serial cheater and they are the hardest to work with. His previous girlfriend cut him loose and now may be in a happy, safe relationship because of that. You could have that, too.

Best of luck. I hope you realize this was nothing you did!

He is showing you who he is - a Serial Adulterer.

You need to believe him.

The love you feel is for the person you wish he was/want him to be. Sadly, the mask slipped and you now see the real him.

You are allowed to mourn that loss. But please - for your own long term sanity - RUN.

And que up a little song called Liar by Henry Rollins. I think it quite apt here.

I'm very sorry.

Alternatively, you may have deep love for him despite his repeatedly betraying you. That doesn't mean you need to stay with him. The best thing you can do for yourself and for him may be to cut him loose. That, too, can be an act of love.

Why in the world would you trust him now? It's up to him to earn your trust back.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:26 PM, Friday, September 13th]

I just wanted to pop in and thank everyone who responded. I am taking all the responses under consideration and am still trying to figure out my reality.

My brain knows most of you who are saying 'get out' are probably right. The situation is complicated by the fact that if I kick him out of my house, he is homeless and will lack the resources to get the help he needs, and right now, he is saying and doing all the 'right things' and I love him so much that I want to believe him and keep him stabilized so he can get proper mental health care. Our society/economy/access to mental health care plus his low income means the chances of him doing so are almost zeroif he's not stabilized in this home he shares with me (that I own independently).

Yet I know it is also not my responsibility. But I also have a great deal of love and empathy here. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Ugh. Part (but only part of me) of me wishes he were just acting like a jerk, blame-shifting, and not accepting responsibility so it'd be easy decision for me to wash my hands of him.

What makes matters worse is how SLOW everything is moving. It took a month to get him into a therapist, and now that therapist is going on vacation and his next appointment isn't for another month.

I had been entertaining just breaking up with him and letting him live in my basement living his own life getting the help he needs but I'm starting to think my feelings are too strong for him for me to handle it. UGH.

FML.

[This message edited by Sarai at 12:12 AM, Sunday, September 15th]

He should have thought of that before he cheated. Not your responsibility.

He's not ashamed and disgusted with his behavior. He's saying what needs to be said so that he can make you happy and is manipulating you.

Really, you're in love with who you thought he was and now he's shown you who he is. I spent too many years married to a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and wanting the loving, sensitive guy to come back - only to realize that person was a mirage.

Please don't make the same mistake. Guys like him find ladies like you who are very sensitive and empathetic to manipulate.

On YouTube, Dr. Ramani has some great videos on trauma bonding and Co-dependency that you may find helpful. The intermittent reinforcement of the push-pull of emotions contributes to the issue.

Don't feel stupid. We've all been there.