Hey, Elara. Sorry you're in it.
At the end, when everything was on the table, I felt flayed - and didn't know that such pain and tear production was possible.
Believe it or not, counter-intuitively, this is for the best, if you are going to try and reconcile. When I was going through it with my wife, she said stuff like "Why would you want to hear this?" and "I don't want to hurt you any more." I told her something along the lines of, "Oh, you can't hurt me any more. You've actually killed my former innocent self, and the new guy that's growing back is going to do so in complete and total awareness of who you are and what you've done. If I don't know everything, then I can't forgive everything." If you're going to reconcile, it has to be in totality and authenticity, and that includes everything.
So why is being flayed "for the best?" Well, that kind of dovetails with my response to this:
This feels like the riskiest choice, and I'm scared to death. I am risking my heart all over again, when I could have ended things and moved forward in that direction.
My best advice is to actually lean into this, and try not to be afraid at all. Why, oh why and how on earth can you NOT be afraid of being hurt in this situation, Minjob?! Simply put, because you ARE going to be hurt. Over and over again, when you think about what happened. Over and over again, as you notice your innocence and old relationship dying. Crushing pain as your reeling mind realizes time and again that you can never go back to the way it used to be and you just want to stop hurting.
Good Lord, Mindjob, you put such a rosy hue on it. This is because it's what worked for me, and I think fairly quickly. It really was awful. But the process was based off a couple of conclusions I drew.
1) There IS no healing the old relationship. It is dead, and the WS killed it. It must be mourned, but don't try to hold on to it, because it's a corpse that will NEVER return to life. If you are "reconciling" you are actually building an ENTIRELY NEW RELATIONSHIP that has to have complete authenticity and willingness to communicate without blame.
2) Every bit of pain must have its time on the stage. Every bit. None of it is to be avoided. You will WANT to avoid it, because it's unpleasant, and when things like this are inflicted on us, our brains try to straight up reject it. You don't want to experience this, but you must accept that this happened to you and integrate it into your new, developing self. You never EVER have to APPROVE of this happening, because it was wrong and will be wrong to the end of time. But you do have to ACCEPT that it happened to you, or the denial will eat you alive as you try to avoid the pain. There's no need to ruminate and amplify all the bad feelings and memories, just give them their time on the stage. Watch how they move. Feel how and where they hit. Acknowledge that it happened. Acknowledge that it hurts. And eventually...eventually....eventually...the edge and the point dulls. The impact doesn't hit as hard. Your stomach stops lurching. It's really the only thing that works, leaning into it and going through it until it loses its power to cause you any fresh hurt.
3) Your old self is going to die and there's nothing you can do about it. This is bitter and galling, and it is okay to be bitter and galled about this, because another human being inflicted this on you, and it's not your fault it happened in any way, shape manner or form. Be fair to your new self. Navigate the new, unpleasant waters very carefully with your eyes wide open. I guarantee there are things about your new self that you won't like, and that's okay, too. This new self of yours has every right to exist and every trait about herself has a valid reason, even if she can be a bit unpleasant to your old sensibilities. "This is just who I am" went out the window for me, and while I definitely miss my old, naive, relentlessly idealistic self, the new guy does surprise me sometimes. He's not as nice as the old guy, but well...I've kind of leaned into that too and quite enjoy it. Not a recommendation for you personally, just an example of how to settle into a new existence.
4) Your new relationship won't be "better," than the old, dead one, but it may be more authentic, honest, and earnestly communicative. In fact, it damn well better be. And hell, if you both earnestly and wholly commit to the authenticity, honesty, and complete communication, well...maybe in another 24 years neither of you will be able to tell the difference.
I have many other truisms about recovery, but these are the salient ones around dealing with the pain. It IS going to come. Baring your teeth and taking it head on really is the fastest, and most thorough way to recovery. And if it's not fast at all, that's okay, too. Above all, be fair to yourself. You always have permission to feel that pain, and it is right for you to do so.
And that fear you have of him hurting you again? It vanishes once you have the self-assurance that you know how to deal with the pain and heal yourself whether or not he's there to help heal it or not. When you know how to recover, the true strength in vulnerability emerges and makes you utterly unstoppable -- because then NO ONE can crush you and leave you broken, not even yourself.
Something unexpected happened then. Amid all of this, I became acutely aware of how much I loved him, and that I felt actual empathy for his experience.
One of the reasons I picked the name "Mindjob." (One of the many reasons, oy.) This dichotomy left me startled and weirdly interested int he middle of my pain. I told my WW at the time, that I still loved her very much, and I could walk out of her life and never speak to her again until my dying day, all the while loving her still the same. Now, I know that men and women love very differently, so I don't know if this mindset will be totally alien to you, but I wanted to make sure she (my WW) knew that my feelings didn't dictate my decisions, nor would they cover over any new incidents of adultery on her part.
I hope my experiences might be able to help you a bit. Nobody's situation is identical, so of course, one of the main things you should do here on SI is:
5) Graze at whatever patch of grass helps you and leave the rest of it.
Best of luck to you, wading through all this chaos and nonsense. As long as you are determined to emerge on the other side firmly at the helm of whatever ship ends up being constructed, sailing strongly through unfamiliar waters confidently, you will. It won't be pretty, but you will.