This was unexpected
Grief sure has a weird way of bringing things up. My precious sister passed away recently 
...and I have been dealing with a lot of feelings since the funeral. This year has been a rough year for me with the loss of more loved ones than in previous years. I can certainly understand this being a fact that comes about by being an older adult. My sister's death has been the hardest thus far though . I have lost other siblings...but she and I were very close and it...well...it HURTS .
One day recently I realized this was A season...and Dday...from my 1st M. I hadn't thought about this for a LONG time...but it sure came back in full force. I was recalling it to my H...and it surprised me how much detail I remembered...even though it had been 41 YEARS since this happened 
!
I was a bit shocked at how I put myself right back in that moment. It was back when I was doing the "pick me dance"...and it was actually a very humiliating time for me. I didn't see it in the moment...but looking back through the years it was something that I cringed at the thought of. I also believe this was why my "lizard brain" kicked in to protect me when I experienced Dday with my 2nd H. At that Dday...I immediately told my 2nd H that our M was OVER...with NO emotion whatsoever. Lizard brain was a BADASS that day 
!
Of course...I have to analyze everything 
! I started wondering WHY did this thought pop into my head of that Dday so long ago? I haven't had anything to do with my XWH for MANY years...he truly is just someone I used to know. I also dismissed it being the upcoming holiday season because that hasn't been an issue for a LONG while either.
Then I thought about the grief I have been feeling. Even though it was terminal...and I KNOW my sister is not suffering anymore...it is still HARD to not have her here . The sadness has brought about other feelings of sadness that occurred in my life...and there was an awful lot of sadness 41 years ago.
I have often said that trauma doesn't get forgotten. MAN...did that ever come out as TRUTH! But...I can honestly say that the PAIN can go away...at least it did for me. Even though I recalled in vivid detail what happened on that particular night so long ago...it was as if I was reading from a newspaper about an incident that happened. I remembered that I had cried...I remembered that I was very hurt...but I didn't FEEL those things anymore...if that makes sense.
Oddly...during this time of grief...this recollection from 41 years ago has brought me comfort 
. I FACED that part of my life...recalled every detail...and didn't cringe 
. I think I got healed from this...and it only took me 41 years. Better late than never !!
My H has been phenomenal though all of this...which reinforces that my decision to R was the RIGHT one in this M! My sister has HELPED me through this...even after her death...which I find comforting . God has as well...like He always does! He said He works for the GOOD of those who LOVE Him...and there was definitely some GOOD that came out of all of this! I will grieve...but I will be comforted. The PAIN does go away...but the LOVE remains .
12 comments posted: Tuesday, November 21st, 2023
Twelve Weeks Until Christmas!!!
You all know what is coming next 
!!! I WANT MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT !!!!
For those who haven't seen this before...my Christmas present is to have the page TURN to the next page...this year it will be page 30 !!
What page you say??? WELL...let me tell you !! It is the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned to the TOP of this Forum !!!
You've never read it before ??? There is no better time than NOW !!
THIS thread is the first thread I look to when I get to the Reconciliation Forum . THIS thread is what kept me SANE when the world as I knew it got flipped-turned upside down. THIS thread gave me HOPE when it seemed like all hope was LOST.
This thread can HELP so many people who come on here who are new and in that RAW pain we all have felt when we first found this site . Just imagine...YOUR STORY could HELP another hurting soul...how cool is that???!!!
I have already harassed TWO people to post their wonderfully POSITIVE stories to that thread...and if they do...then only 5 more stories are needed to get that page to turn !!!
WHO will help to get me my Christmas present this year 
???!!!
2 comments posted: Monday, October 2nd, 2023
I did it!!!
EVERY A season in the past I have written about it on here. I have written about moment-by-moment times that my H and his adultery co-conspirator spent together. I would write about the food they ate...the drinks they drank...the places they visited...and even how long they spent in his hotel room...or at her house...thanks to all the information I have. I felt that by writing about it on here...I would get desensitized to it...hoping that those days would soon just be MEH to me. In order to do this...well...I HAD to go over all of the expense reports...the time stamped receipts...the emails...the google timeline...stuff like that in order to MAKE SURE I had everything correct. EVERY YEAR.
My lil bro on here...Unhinged...was supportive with what I was doing...at first! Last year though...he gave me a challenge...to STOP writing about it on here so that I wouldn't HAVE to be going over all of that evidence. It rattled me. Having all of this information was comforting to me in a way. I could SEE what was happening at that time. It was like I could feel some type of CONTROL during that point. Then...on July 18th of each year...I could put it away...and not have to go back over it. At least...not until the NEXT A season. Like all of you wonderful people on here...Unhinged wanted to HELP...and I took his challenge under consideration.
So...THIS YEAR...I didn't look...at ANYTHING from the evidence I had from my H's A. I didn't do a play-by-play on here either! The ONLY thing that was something from around my H's A was the "memories" feed on Facebook that would pop up. It didn't show up every day...and it was a memory of what I was doing around that time...so it had nothing to do with my H's A.
I had a little anxiety going into A season...but as the weeks went by...it got better and better! I had a total of 4 meltdowns...which is a HUGE difference from the multiple meltdowns DAILY for the first few years. AND...there were a few times that I actually FORGOT stuff!! I even caught myself on certain days realizing that I hadn't remembered the significance of THAT particular day during my H's A! I was AMAZED at how LITTLE significance it played this time!!
Granted...there are some events happening in my life at this point...particularly deaths of beloved family members...that make what happened NINE YEARS AGO very insignificant to me NOW. It was interesting that the meltdowns I had correlated to the passing of my family members. I am sure it has something to do with it...but it is something I will address later. I need to process the grief right now.
But...one GOOD thing from all of this is that A season is OVER!! I handled it MUCH better than I thought I would...and I am very PROUD that I didn't even try to look at any of the evidence...AT ALL!! For ME...THIS WORKS!! I am so looking forward to NEXT A season...which is something I NEVER thought I would say!! Onward and UPward!!! Thank You God!!!
Unhinged...lil bro...THANK YOU!!! I never thought I could do it...but with YOUR encouragement...I DID!!
16 comments posted: Tuesday, July 18th, 2023
Rising above the manipulation, gaslighting, and lying from the A
I am past the middle part of A season...and I have to admit that it is going much better than I thought! I have had a few blow outs...3...but for the most part I am not dwelling on it. Because I have so much information from the A my H had while working overseas...I could tell just how much time they spent together...which wasn't much. It doesn't matter though...the first time he messaged the adultery co-conspirator my H nuked our M. It has been kind of a curse in the past knowing all of what I know because I also have the added memory of what I was feeling during this time. The manipulation...gaslighting...lying that my H did to me during this time has brought out ANGER like nothing else I have ever had to deal with.
I learned a long time ago that anger is a secondary emotion...brought on by a primary emotion such as guilt...hurt...etc. For ME...the DISRESPECT my H showed me brought about this visceral ANGER every time I thought about it. It was hard to look for the primary emotion when the anger would hit...but through all of these years I have been able to focus on looking for it in order to work on that emotion...which would cause the anger to subside. Moving past the memories of what I THOUGHT had happened to the REALITY of what actually happened has helped me to see my H's A in a different perspective.
What my H was doing to my mental health during his A was so destructive. I was made to feel like I was crazy for questioning my H about certain items on his expense reports...or other feelings my GUT was screaming at me for. But I took it back...or as I like to say...I OWNED IT!! It took work...and I couldn't rush the process. Lord knows I tried!! Little by little though I became stronger. In the end I realized what the vets on here had been trying to get me to understand...my H's A had NOTHING to do with ME. MY feelings...MY truths...MY actions during this time...they were all SINCERE. I was collateral damage...but my CORE was still very much intact.
Looking at his A without all of that emotional baggage...I can clearly see that the MOST disrespect was what my H and his adultery co-conspirator showed each other. The manipulation...gaslighting...and lying was needed in order for each of them to continue having their A. I would think that this is true for ALL A's. After Dday...once each of them knew that they were being USED by the other...as IS the case in ALL A's...any residual feelings they may have had for each other dissipated quickly. I can definitely understand this! When people have used me in the past...including my H...my feelings have completely changed.
The manipulation...gaslighting...and lying was actually the worst thing each of them did to themselves. When my H got out of the A fog and had to face the reality of what the A actually was...the DISGUST he felt was overwhelming. The adultery co-conspirator had written an email to my H after he sent her the NC message on Dday. In it she told him how dumping her like he did made her feel like a USED...USELESS...NOBODY. The thing is though...she agreed to the "rule" that after my H left her country...they would no longer have ANY contact. All of these "rules" were agreed to before they ever had sex...so the adultery co-conspirator KNEW them. She may have felt though that rules were made to be broken because morals tend to be lacking with cheaters.
What I used to see as a curse...I now see as a BLESSING! I do need to address the tinge of glee that I have felt periodically from seeing them each self destruct...but I will deal with that later...LOL! My main feeling toward them is empathy. I definitely wouldn't want to be in either of their shoes...but I can still feel compassion for them falling so far off of the right path to end up where they did.
I still pray for the adultery co-conspirator...and I truly hope that she has found some kind of healing to stop this destructive pattern. She told my H that her first A was with her Aunt's boyfriend...because she had admired him so much when she was growing up. To ME...it seems like he was a predator who was grooming her at a young age to have sex with him. The adultery co-conspirator may have had a skewed vision of what LOVE really is from this man's possible grooming. Who knows. She ended up losing her husband when he found out she had an A with her boss. One would think that this would change her perspective on A's...but apparently it clearly didn't. The adultery co-conspirator CAN still be redeemed...like my H has. I sincerely HOPE that she has sought to go on the right path.
As for ME...I'm doing pretty good! The trauma from the A will always be there...just like every other trauma I have been through. EVERYONE experiences some type of trauma in their lifetime. It took me over 10 years of grieving after my Mama passed away before I could start to see a path forward from the trauma of losing her. Death is so FINAL. I used to think that cheating was FINAL also. That was the experience I had when my 1st H cheated on me. But...my friends...it doesn't have to be. There can be a BEAUTIFUL M that can come out of all of this UGLINESS. My H and I are living proof of that!!
12 comments posted: Wednesday, June 28th, 2023
Wide Awake
I woke up from a sound sleep a few hours ago. I haven't done this in a while. After about a half hour of trying to go back to sleep...I reached for my phone and saw the date...May 1. Now I get it.
May is when my H's A started...9 years ago. He didn't meet the adultery co-conspirator until May 11...and they didn't get to fuck until June...but it wasn't from a lack of trying. Many "firsts" happened for them in May...first date...first kiss...etc.
When all of this came to light...the following year...January of 2015...was excruciating for me. It meant that I was going to have to go through the months of May-July. After a few years that despair went away. But the feeling of dread when May 1st rolled around still remained for another few years.
I used to do a journal of sorts on here...EVERY YEAR...starting on May 1st until my Dday...July 19th. My lil bro...Unhinged...challenged me last year to NOT do one this year!! I accepted that challenge...and y'all will be happy to know that you don't have to see any thread like that from me THIS year. Sort of...LOL!!
I came on here to write about why this happened. I KNOW what it is...I write about it often. My limbic system has kept track of the experience I have had with this particular day. Lizard brain went into hyper drive and woke me up!! I KNOW how to combat it. I can have a GOOD experience today...and that will calm my lizard brain in the future. It's harder than it seems though...as most of us already KNOW.
When I got on here...the FIRST thread I saw when looking at the different Forums on the main page is the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned at the top of this Forum!! I am the unofficial cheerleader for that thread...as most of you already KNOW as well!! That was an extremely GOOD experience!! Then I read the posts from SoveriegnCrux and Notaboringwife...and I SMILED.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. I KNOW that it was meant for me to wake up when I did...get on here when I did...and read what I did. Thank You God!!! Surprisingly...not surprisingly...I am now sleepy again...LOL!! But my alarm will go off in 10 minutes for me to start my day...so maybe I will plan for a little afternoon nap later. Or not. I just KNOW that I am in control of MY thoughts...and TODAY...will be a POSITIVE one for me!!
13 comments posted: Monday, May 1st, 2023
Will I get my Christmas present again this year????????
I can't remember when I started this...but it has been at least 3 or 4 years when I ask for y'all to give me a Christmas present...turning the page on the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread . EVERY year you WONDERFUL friends and family have made sure I have gotten my Christmas present !!! May I have it again...PLEASE ???!!!
I do this for several reasons...but the one that sticks out the most to me is the memory from when I first joined this site. I was looking all over the internet for POSITIVE stories from people who had survived infidelity...and went on to THRIVE despite it. When I found THIS site...there was actually a PLACE designated for just that !!! At the time...there were only 8 pages to go through...but I read EVERY POST. It gave me HOPE when I had very little. It made me SMILE when I was so tired of crying. It let me see that if others could go through infidelity HELL and still come out intact...then maybe I could too!!!
Most of the stories I read in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned at the top of this Forum were from BW's. Now though...there are several posts from people who are on all sides of the A triangle...giving a very diverse perspective of what a POSITIVE reconciliation looks like . A good plug for this site...if you UPGRADE...you can read all the EDITED posts in that thread too !!
Finally...and probably most importantly...POSITIVE mindsets bring out the feel good hormones and give us a great sense of well being . THIS particular thread is about reconciliation. So even if you are just starting out...like I was back on page 9...or are years out...like I am on page 28...being in R will have some very POSITIVE things going on. I want to read ALL about it !!!
Another PLUS about having an UPGRADE is that you can see who has been on here in the last 5 minutes. I SEE you people who have been on this site for YEARS popping in and out...but you don't post . NOW would be a great time to post your Positive Reconciliation Story !!! We would TRULY LOVE to read it !!!
So...even though this is all about ME ...it is really all about US who are in a positive reconciliation . There are other Forums dedicated to POSITIVE new beginnings...and POSITIVE divorces and separations. I have very POSITIVE things to say about when I went for D with my 1st H and when I had my new beginning with my 2nd H ! But THIS thread is the one in this Forum dedicated to POSITIVE reconciliation stories . I've already written TWO on page 28...along with my H who wrote one as an anniversary present to me . There are only 5...maybe 6 stories needed in order to TURN THE PAGE. Would YOU be the one to give me my Christmas present this year??????? PLEASE ???!!!
10 comments posted: Wednesday, November 30th, 2022
Unusual triggers around this time of year
The devil really is trying to screw with my head right now!! I normally don't have triggers around the holidays anymore...but these last few days have brought up memories from 8 years ago that have me...well...triggered .
The World Cup is playing now. They were playing 8 years ago...during the time my H was having his A. The United States had gotten out of contention...but the Netherlands was still going strong...so my H and I were rooting for that team since he was over there. After Dday I found that he and the adultery co-conspirator were talking about it too...just like others in that country.
Then there was recently the conviction of 3 people for murder in the downing of MH17 back in 2014...on the same day that my H flew out of the Netherlands. I froze when I saw the date come on the TV screen. It was something that I wasn't expecting to see...and it took me back to that day...when I was so worried about my H's flight.
I know that these triggers aren't anything happening NOW...but lizard brain doesn't care about WHEN...it just cares about the experience 
. I'm doing well...especially since we all have electricity and other things that we didn't have last year after Ida. I have been really excited to get back to having a NORMAL holiday season after these last 2 years of NOT normal!!! It is just seeing these things happening...when they usually aren't in this time frame...it makes me feel like something evil is trying to steal my peace.
I pray for all of us having to go through times like these. The "firsts" are always hard (((HUGS))). Then there are those who have had Ddays around the holidays...which only adds another layer to this heaping pile we have all been dumped in. Life does go on...and it CAN be a happy time again . I have the tools to combat this...and I am far enough removed to be able to have peace as well. But even this far out...some things just come up to remind me of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day when the world as I knew it...ended 
.
10 comments posted: Thursday, November 24th, 2022
Thankful Thursday
Hi there all you SI Reconcilers !! It is a GORGEOUS day in NOLA...and I am feeling pretty good today. Especially since I saw another AWESOME post in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread which is pinned at the TOP of this Forum !! THANK YOU sunwillshine!!!
Maybe we can have a breather from thoughts of infidelity for a bit and come up with some things that bring us happiness in our reconciliation . I'll start!!!
The other night I told my H that he was my whole world. He responded by saying that I was his whole universe PLUS one planet . I asked WHICH planet...thinking that he was going to say VENUS...the planet of LUUUUUVE.
His response...with that cute grin of his...URANUS !!! We had a big laugh about that...laughter truly IS the best medicine isn't it ?!
So...maybe that book is wrong...men aren't from MARS...they have a whole different mindset !!!
Anyone else have a cute...funny...thankful...HAPPY story to tell??? I am looking forward to reading all about it !!
715 comments posted: Sunday, October 18th, 2020
NtV...does this count???
My H was preparing jalapenos...stuffing them with cream cheese and wrapping them in bacon 
. He made the comment that he, "can cut the cheese with a butter knife" 
.
Will THIS be enough for the favor you said you would do for me 
???!!!
What do the rest of you dear SIers say...is THIS an appropriate fart joke???!!! Help me out people...I am NOT very good at this kind of stuff...but I need y'all to help me convince NTV that this is good enough .
33 comments posted: Saturday, December 23rd, 2017
