Asking for help, outside perspective, please help me
R is so damn hard, we all know the many reasons why. Part of it is, is our WS really all in?
I have my WW phone cloned (which she knows and agrees to, but perhaps forgot(
She has a friend (another woman and she knows situation and AP) who she sent a text to recently.
Two things bother me. First my WW deleted texts between them which I am sure means they were talking about AP. This friend knows AP very well, and is still in same social circle. It isn’t the first time either of deleting texts, so I know my WW is taking about things about AP she doesn’t want me to see. I was able to catch part of it this time though. She sent a IG quote, basically saying "don’t feel bad because a relationship failed when you tried to save it, and it was destroyed by them
". With my WW saying "I saw this today and I needed to see it" and her friend responded with basically "see it’s all in the signs"
To me, this shows me it is pretty obvious where her mind/heart is. The full context of the A probably isn’t clear, but she betrayed me twice (same AP of course), and the second time was so much worse, which I only found out about after D Day 2 and put the pieces together.
But I am asking for help from the many people here who may have better perspective. Right now, to me it’s very obvious that D is really the only option because it’s clear I am the plan B. Yeah it’s just a stupid IG meme, but so much is said in just a few small sentences.
28 comments posted: Wednesday, September 13th, 2023
It’s ok to forgive yourself for pick me.
I feel it’s important every now and again to remind us that we can forgive ourselves as well. No, not because we did anything that caused us to become BS/BP, that is all on the one who cheated. What I mean is for the pick me dance. I did it too, and I am still working on forgiveness for my weaknesses. What I know is that I wasn’t lying or being deceptive, I was trying to save something that I didn’t know was gone. I was honest, committed, and loyal when I had no reason to be. Trying to save a relationship by yourself can be humiliating, but it’s so common we have the name for it. It’s ok, because it was genuine. I imagine a lot of BSs feel the same.
There is nothing wrong with that. Yes, pick me dance almost always keeps affair going and all of that, but we aren’t responsible for their shit decisions. It should never have been a situation to be in. It never should have happened. There was a competition that could never have been won, and most BS don’t really know they are competing. Trying to fix something that is broken, is not weak WS may think it is, but they are cheating so I am not going to give them much credit.
R or D, it’s ok to forgive yourself for trying to save the relationship.
6 comments posted: Wednesday, August 16th, 2023
Mind movies when there are actual real movies
One of the worst things about affairs in the modern era is the stupidity of nudes/sex tapes on phones. I know for a fact that my WW made sex clips with her AP on his phone, and that she sent him pictures of her to him, and it’s just like, why not. I want to scream at her for being so stupid. She is trying hard to sell me that AP deleted them out of respect for her…yeah, right. That was part of the NC phone call, to delete anything from the A. I’m really angry about it, she just went along with it and didn’t even think for a second how making a few porn scenes might come back to hurt me, our kids, her. And she tells me she was never going to leave me for him, (yay me I won the prize of an unfaithful wife) but then why make sex tapes? It’s all so stupid. I just found out that when she restarted her affair (which I know the date and details) it involved a sex clip. That is new news to me. Which is why I am so pissed.
And it’s great, this asshole has vids of my wife doing whatever and I’m supposed to just be ok. I’ll sleep better because he promised to delete it. Thanks. I feel so much better. Damnit all.
And yes I’m in R, but man there are days when I want to cut all ties. My WW is trying, I still don’t know what the hell got in her head. SAHM of 5 young kids and she still found time to cheat on me.
I’m sure I’m not alone. To those who are trying to r, how the hell do you work through the very real fact that AP has sex/nudes of your spouse to do with whatever they want?
10 comments posted: Friday, August 4th, 2023
Make it make sense.
I know my account is new, but I’ve been lurking here since my first DDAY back in Jan 22. I’m asking for some help/advice/perspective on something. Quick cap on my story, I’m BH (mid 40). WW had year long A (mid 40) with a "just a friend". We’ve been in R for about 13 months.
Since after dday 2 and end of her A, she gave me full transparency. Recently I found a few SM accounts I didn’t know about.l. To give her credit I have all passwords and access without any complaints or resistance. so of course I had to check them out. For the most part, nothing is inappropriate or red flags etc. I don’t think she was hiding these accounts, more of just something she did. These are anonymous accounts with no personal information etc, and vast majority of posts are just things she likes and nothing inappropriate.
However, I did find something that has been bothering me. Right as her affair was starting, she made a comment on a thread about cheating. Basically it said how she has no respect for anyone who gets involved with a married person. It’s selfish and harmful, and it’s taking part in running someone else’s life. She even went on a rant about all of the things that someone who is married should do (MC, communication, put more effort into relationship) instead of stepping out, and if all of that fails, D, then see someone else. I am just floored. This was posted by her as her EA was definitely well on the way, and I don’t know what to make of it.
I haven’t confronted her about it yet, but it is really bothering me. Any perspective? For more context, AP absolutely knew that she was married, he was a friend. That’s part of what is bothering me. “No respect for anyone who gets involved with a married person”.
17 comments posted: Sunday, July 16th, 2023