SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TLDR: got a puppy just before finding out about affair and now regret it....

Bear with me because this is a weird, convoluted situation that has been messing with me in a big way.

D Day was November 1. We've been all over the map since then, trying to reconcile but many instances where I thought it was over. In an ok place today. Two young kids.

In the summer we made the decision to get a puppy at the end of August. WH was hesitant about the extra work involved but I convinced him it was a good time. We'd wanted to get a dog off and on over the years but had always concluded we weren't ready. This time was different.

Got the puppy end of August and I had puppy blues big time, never been so anxious in my life. Completely unexpected despite doing all kinds of prep and research. It slowly got better but throughout September WH was less and less involved, left the puppy completely to me to deal with. In October he became extremely withdrawn. Started talking about moving out to get his own space and figure things out. Talking about how our relationship wasn't in a good place, he wasn't happy, we weren't connected. Life and the kids had pushed us apart, now the dog was something else to keep us from connecting. He said he'd never wanted the dog, he went along with it and said that I'd gotten the dog even though he didn't want one.

I internalized that in a major way, felt like I'd ruined the marriage by getting a dog, felt like I'd disregarded his feelings. I wanted to get rid of the dog if it was a choice between that and my marriage. I began to resent the dog and feel guilty about the time I had to spend caring for her.

Fast forward to November and I find out about the affair, which started middle to end of September. Duh.

So now my life is really falling apart, we are having extremely difficult conversations about how WH has felt like he's gone along with a lot of the major choices we've made in our life. In my mind the dog is still a big part of this and although I don't think the dog caused the affair, I'm guessing it was part of the story he told himself to justify it (my wife chose the dog over me), and also it's a huge symptom of what has been wrong in our relationship all along (his perception of me calling the shots and him never speaking up when he's not happy).

I still have such conflicting emotions about this puppy. She's wonderful, but I feel like the whole idea of having a dog has been ruined. I wish we'd never gotten her. If I'd had any idea what was coming I NEVER would have thought it was a good time for a puppy. We waited so long to pick the right time and in the end couldn't have picked a worse time.

Practically speaking, I don't feel I have the mental capacity to train and socialize the puppy in the way that it needs. I am struggling mentally and emotionally, with life and work and parenting. Everything is getting the bare minimum, kids and dog included. If we stay together, he's right, the dog will be another thing to come between us and demand our time and attention. It makes getting a babysitter more difficult, etc. If we split up, I never planned on being a single mom with a puppy. I don't even know how I'd take it for a walk if there wasn't another adult to stay home and watch the kids. Not to mention finances. I'm not sure I'd be able to keep the house and I definitely would not want the added financial burden of a dog. That decision was based on a two adult, two income household.

Long story short, I regret this dog so much for so many reasons. If my kids didn't adore her I'd seriously consider rehoming.

Has anyone been through anything remotely similar? What did you do? Did you feelings change over time? How do I move past this?

[This message edited by Tealchicken at 8:56 PM, Tuesday, January 16th]

I'm sorry you ate going through this.
We are a pet family. One of the things that assured me my spouse had been taken over by aliens was him no longer wanting anything to do with the pets. 2 dogs and a cat at the time. He even moved them to the basement and wanted them down there when he was home. Prior to the A our 125lb Dane and 80lb Golden slept with us in a queen sized bed. Suddenly he couldn't deal with the hair or the smell.
Plus our cat that was really bonded with all of us was no longer adorable and annoying. He was a Maine Coon mutt rescue and he was quite the character and talkative fellow that demanded attention. He suddenly didn't like him.
I knew something was up for months before getting proof.

When he came clean the dogs came back to our bedroom within 24 hours. It was her influence. Whatever.

I would encourage you to embrace the time with the puppy and work on focusing 30-60 minutes a day 100% in her. You may find d that this bonds you and also gives you a mental break that you desperately need. If you D make a clause for help with costs. Make it a family event with the kids to walk the dog. It's healthy for all to take 2 20 min walks a day for exercise ise and if the kids are big enough get them on a bike if not throw them in a stroller or wagon and head out. It's good for all.
Co sider all the benefits of having a dog teach a kid. Responsibilities including feeding g filling water bowls, picking up poop, dealing with life and loss at an age when most kids haven't had to deal with the loss of a grand. Having pets can be really helpful in many life lessons.

In your current situation please ask your spouse to spend 20 min at min alone with the kids while you get out and bond and walk that dog. Oh and f him and his I never wanted a dog bullshit. That's affair talk abd justifications for his shitty behavior. Call it out and walk away.

Your focus should be on your cheating husband and not the puppy. We are a dog family, and both your husband's infidelity and the fact that this puppy is being used as a pawn makes me extremely angry. Understand the puppy has absolutely NOTHING to do with your marital issues. Your husband is the broken one, not the dog, the dog seems to be the subject of your post, not your cheating husband's lying, hiding, and betrayal and despicable actions.

We got a rescue dog after years of my children wanting a dog. Three-ish months later I found out my husband had been having an affair all the while we were searching, brought him home as a surprise Christmas present for my three boys, and although he was house-trained, we had to deal with him still being a puppy bc he chewed my good leather boots, the bottoms of a chair or two, etc. Not one minute did I ever think about giving him away. My boys had bonded and they would have been devastated, and the dog had already become a member of our family.

the dog was something else to keep us from connecting

^^^This is the lamest excuse for the bomb your husband dropped on your lives.

he's right, the dog will be another thing to come between us and demand our time and attention

^^^Your husband is placing blame on a DOG for goodness sake for his affair. He's a master manipulator and IMO testing you to see if you put him before the dog. How old is your husband? He needs to grow the freak up. It's NOT the dog, it's his brokenness.

Oh and f him and his I never wanted a dog bullshit. That's affair talk abd justifications for his shitty behavior

^^^Tushnurse hit the nail on the head.

100% everything Tush and Annb said!!!

He's a master manipulator

That's affair talk abd justifications for his shitty behavior

100% agree with the above and I wouldn't listen to a word he says. My xWS tried this s*it with a kitten I rescued. I for sure wasn't going to let him get away with it. Boo f**k him. Seriously he sounds like a toddler.

My pet has provided me great comfort and a nice distraction since learning about the A (nearly two years ago). I can't imagine not having him around. He's the one thing around here that is innocent and completely unaffected by infidelity. He's always happy to see me and relies on me completely for his care. He's not an easy pet. He needs a very specific diet and nightly medication. But the love I get back from him is so worth it, especially when I have a horrible day and feel like my life is literally falling apart. When an animal runs over to you or jumps into your lap, you can't help but feel loved and appreciated.

I understand that the puppy seems like a burden right now and that you feel you'd be better off without him. I would recommend what was said by other posters. Focus more on the puppy. Spend time with him, train him, take him for walks. Take the kids with you in a stroller. It's good for everyone to get out of the house each day. The exercise will be helpful for you as you navigate the aftermath of the A and figure out how to get yourself back on track. Right now it seems like you're thinking more in the short-term, which is totally understandable. But try to think more long-term for a moment. Once the puppy gets older and is trained and has calmed down a bit, he'll be a valued member of the family, a companion for you and your kids and a bright spot in your lives. It's hard not to smile when an adorable animal is acting silly or even just sitting next to you because he loves you.

I wish we'd never gotten her.

_____________________________________________________

Then for heaven's sake, find a home where she will be loved. I don't want to be harsh but it's not the dog's fault that your H cheated.

I'm sorry you are going through this but I feel very sorry for the dog. All they do is love us, unconditionally, unlike cheating partners.

Thanks for the perspective. I get that the dog is not the problem here, my thought process is. I'm projecting all our issues onto an innocent creature and yes, like I said, I'm struggling. This is part of my mental struggle that I'm trying to overcome. I understand I need to try harder.

A stray cat wandered on our property a couple months before DDAY. We’d put our previous pet down a couple years before. My WH was hot and cold on the cat- even though he loved cats and was initially enamored with her. Later I learned that AP had a cat that hated her. AP convinced him that the cat was a bad idea because I think it bonded us together a bit. He kept cheating, obviously, so the bond wasn’t that strong. In the end, I think that little cat saved my life because I had to provide for her. I had to provide her love and care. My WH wanted to split custody, but hell no to that. She came with me.

That said - if you really don’t think you all can do right by the puppy, then turn in her into the shelter. I agree that pets are great for kids, but if you really can’t handle it right now, then find that pup a new home. Sometimes it just isn’t the right time. I got my current two cats b/c someone had a housing change early in the pandemic— so the pup will find a new home.

I think it reflects your kindness that you are worried about the dog. Just don’t let your ex guilt you on getting it. He made it a bad time. That’s on him.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Since I know what being overwhelmed can feel like if I had a friend who was going through a DD, I would be happy to help with their new puppy or stray kitty.

That said, if you can not manage the puppy, no judgement if rehoming is what you need to do.
This is hard stuff.

Btw I wonder if this sort of stuff is in the cheater handbook. EX WH blamed us having pets (that he pretended to love) as a reason for his cheating.

We take in an animal that rarely has been raised by a mother that knows and can teach them to fend for themselves in "our" world.

They depend on us for love and care - and occasionally a visit to the vet. Almost forgot - we provide them with healthy safe to eat food.

Wife and I - every pet we have had for it's entire life except when we had to relocate for better employment - we found them good and willing homes.

We have five critters now and they bring happiness to us both. It is really nice to drive into the yard and a critter sticks up their tail and greets you. Makes coming home "home."

It breaks our hearts having a pet for 10-20 years when their time on this planet nears it's end. Still, we always remember the love they gave for taking good care of them.

If you can - keep and care for your pet and you will be rewarded many times. If not, please find the critter a good home.

Since you asked if anyone else has had this happen with a pet and subsequent D-Day, I will tell you: the same kind of sequence happened here. I think it happens quite often, even if there is no correlation...

In May of 2010, age 59, I graduated with a college degree after 4 years preparing for re-entering the workforce if our M couldn't survive the damage my WH had caused in 2002! Sadly, my elderly father couldn't be at my graduation ceremony as he'd said he wanted to be, because my resentful, controlling brother-caregiver didn't want to allow the old man to be with any other of his kids. That was yet another major life disappointment after suffering betrayal in my M. The following week happened to be WH's birthday, so feeling like some pages had turned in our lives we went to the local shelter, where he noticed a 2 year old Lab-Shepherd and adopted him. Best dog EVER! Our refrigerator still has the magnet saying how we felt: "A dog is the only relative you get to choose!"

That dog was our consolation. Love for him kept us together through even more dismal times in the marriage. My only sister died in 2011 and my father died in November 2013, so it felt like my core family was down to just the dog and my WH. Gradually it hit me that if anything were to happen to the dog, I literally might not survive another loss. Plus the dog seemed a little lonely, and I felt a playmate would be nice for him and for us. So we got our girl pup just 6 weeks after I'd lost my father and 2 months after my WH got suddenly "downsized" from a job he'd excelled at. (Right there, I should have paused the puppy aquisition goal, but my broken heart needed something to focus on. I figured stressed-out WH did, too and he claimed to be in favor of it.)

BUT she was only 5 months old when WH hit me with D-Day 2, by getting arrested for soliciting a prostitute - on my birthday! I saw a lawyer to start D and with all the turmoil, had the same thought as you just posted: if I had only KNOWN what was coming, No WAY would I have gotten that demanding little monster! (a working line German Shepherd is no picnic at the best of times, as we'd been warned.)

I think your best move, if you can handle it, is to do what Tushnurse wrote: give that innocent pup your best, because life happens and the timing often sucks. Looking back today, I'm glad I stuck it out. But I will add that our old boy dog helped so much with her puppyhood - he quickly fell in love and helped us babysit her. Their relationship brought both of them joy and thus, so much joy in watching them bond and play. But easy? No, it was not.

I am not a pet person. I don’t have any. I like animals but don’t feel I have enough time to give to a pet at this stage in my life. So even though all my kids would love one - we don’t have one. I say this so you understand I’m not that into pets.

Despite this I think your dog could really help you. It will give you routine and make you get fresh air. While walking with the dog and your kids (I think you should get them involved because as they get older they can walk the dog alone) you cannot look at the internet or distract yourself with tech. If you are alone you can focus on the things around you and your dog. It will FORCE you to exercise. It will force you to get fresh air twice a day. This is a good thing.

The problem you have is your husband. He wasn’t prepared to say ‘I really don’t want a dog because I’m cheating’. Just like my husband let me make 2 huge decisions while he was cheating. I don’t blame my 2 huge decisions (neither are living or breathing beings) - I blame him.

His inability to communicate.
His being okay with lying and deceiving.
His selfishness.
His rewriting the narrative.
Him being okay with taking away my agency and consent.
He chose to do the above and hide it from me.

If he had said I’m a cheat I could have made different decisions. But I didn’t know. I did my best with the knowledge I had at the time.

Explore why you feel guilty - that bit jumped out at me. Why do you feel guilty? Do you often feel guilt?

So I would bond with the dog. Walk it when your husband is in or take the children. Reframe your thinking, this dog will help you. I understand how you probably don’t have the energy or capacity to do these things at the minute. Hell I sat in a cupboard some days early on. But I really think that dog could help you.

Stroke it. Talk to it. Walk it. Care for it. Look into its eyes for 5 minutes a day. People have dogs for anxiety and trauma etc. I read a book which helped me called ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’. I would do the mirror exercise looking into the dogs eyes. Sounds daft but I’d borrow your dog to do that exercise each day

All the best op.

Sorry this is longer than I intended and I may have latched onto something you may feel is irrelevant. But I explored this at length and thought it may help.

They will blame anything. They felt unloved, you smother them, you spent too much time at work, not enough time at work, too much time with the kids, not enough time with the kids. Too much time in hobbies, not enough time on hobbies. You got a pet, you didn’t get a pet. It’s all rubbish. They had the choice to say hey I am not happy how can we improve x.

He willingly said vows in front of his family, words that had a but in them.

He doesn’t want to be the bad guy in his story - so he turns himself into a pretzel 🥨 with any old excuse to justify his poor choices.

It’s nonsense. In fact if he is whinging the dog made him do it he isn’t doing the work. He should have said at the time ‘I do not want a dog, I’m cheating and thinking of leaving’. He could have done that and you wouldn’t have got the dog. Or if you had got the dog you would have got it knowing your truth.

So re-examine what he means by calling the shots. Did you make decisions but ask his opinion or did you unilaterally sell your house and buy another and present it as a done deal?

Or rock up with a car you had bought without mentioning it?

Or put your kids in the school he hadnt ever had the chance to see because it’s miles away and you had t even mentioned it.

Or did you ask him or say ‘hey fancy this holiday to Japan next year- shall I book it?’ And he didn’t object.

Hey we need a new car shall we go to the dealer this weekend.

I’ve booked the open tour at x school in weds - do you want to come?

If it’s the second list then he should be pissed off with himself for not saying - no I don’t want a green car I really want a red one. Or I don’t want to live in the suburbs I fancy the city. Or I hate Japanese food but I fancy a trip to China.

Is you calling the shots really him not wanting to rock the boat and say what he really wants? Or maybe him not wanting to do the boring adult stuff? Or him expecting entertainment (holidays, days out) from his wife? Or did he think he was too big job to do the school bookings and holiday bookings? If he elected to be a passenger in his own life - he needs to address that. That his mistake. He should speak out. If he felt he couldnt why not? He needs to address that.

I had this hence I’ve picked up on it. Sorry if I’ve put my own take on it. I would say ‘I think we need to book a holiday - I’ve seen a few places what do you think?’

He operated as Mr Laid Back whereas I stressed and worried. Then said he felt he didn’t get a say. He didn’t get a say because he chose not to say! If you say ‘yes looks great’ then I take that as ‘yes looks great’. I am not a mind reader!

For example My holiday remit was kids will enjoy it plenty of stuff to do as they are little and need entertaining. I will try anything from sailing to climbing, any food from any country, libraries and museums to theatres and festivals. Jazz to opera to heavy metal to world music. Beaches or mountains. Tents to cabins to five star hotels. We have done it all. He says he loves it all (I believe him). But I feel for a few years this was an example of me making decisions 🤣. I’m glad for the kids sake (and mine) I made those decisions!

Edit- Last year as I was in such a bad way I didn’t book the holidays in advance. We usually do a few a year. We did one - the one I sorted out last minute so the kids got away. He has equal access to finances. Equal access to the internet. Equal access to our diary. He knows I will do ANYTHING and honestly I am really happy to do anything. I’m actually rather good fun 😁. I also booked 6 school visits. Again equal access to school phone number, children, cars and diary. I also work full time. He visited the ones I booked. I completed the forms. But hey I control everything! Good bloody job or I guess I’d be home educating.

[This message edited by Abcd89 at 9:46 AM, Wednesday, January 17th]

If you hadn’t gotten a dog his really good and logical and understandable to the whole world reason for deciding to have an affair would be one of the following:

You read that article about sodium and changed mom’s meatloaf recipe. Tasted like shit! Of course, I had to have an affair! Any man would have done the same!

You signed up for yoga on Tuesday evenings when you used to bring me a beer when I was watching Law and Order. I had to fetch my own beer! Of course, I had to have an affair! Any man would have done the same!

Remember that time you put too much starch in my shirts? What did you expect to happen? Of course, I had to have an affair! Any man would have done the same!

we are having extremely difficult conversations about how WH has felt like he's gone along with a lot of the major choices we've made in our life.

How involved were you in HIS decision to have an affair? I’m seeing a lot of blame-shifting, please don’t fall into the trap of accepting his load.

A long time ago,back when I was just lurking, there was a member whose husband said he cheated because she put too much cheese in the lasagna she cooked.

They will literally reach for any possible excuse.

He also seems to be blaming the kids. Will you get rid of them? Why not? Serious question. Why not? Ok, they're your kids. Sure. But,why not?

Because,logically,you know the kids had nothing to do with it.

And neither did the dog.

You say you've been "all over the map,trying to reconcile. "

That's not true. You may have been trying. You may want to reconcile. Not him. He's not trying. From what you've posted,he's not trying. He's not remorseful. He's blaming everyone for his actions. He may not want to divorce(child support is expensive)but that's not at all the same thing as wanting to reconcile.

You'd be a lot happier if you got rid of the man child,and kept the dog. She will show you more love and loyalty than he ever will.

Also..you're feelings are normal. You love the dog. But your wh has manipulated your traumatized mind into believing his bullshit.

Maybe some time away from him would help you get perspective.

My daughter shares the same first name as OW. For the first 2 days after dday, I couldn't say her name. I avoided it. Then I woke up..fuck that shit. This is my child. I love her more than I hate OW. I got over that really fast. Many members talk about how the AP's name is a trigger,and remains one for years. I didn't have that option. I had to come to terms with that name,immediately. To this day,I don't think of ow when I say my daughter's name. I often forget they share the same name.

You can choose not to allow this puppy to be a trigger. And,you need to. Your kids love this puppy. They're bonded. If you take the dog away, it will be cruel. A betrayal. You allowed them to fall in love,only to break their heart. You can't do that. Dad has already caused them enough pain,he's changed their mom,and the house is a tense environment. Don't allow his bullshit to hurt them any more.

Change your perspective.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:35 PM, Wednesday, January 17th]

Replace the word "puppy" with "baby" through out your post and the result is a very common post on JFO.

Cheaters often step out on their BSs while their BSs are preoccupied with caring for someone else whether it’s a new baby, an ill parent, or in your case, a new puppy. I don’t think it’s because the cheater feels neglected; it’s just convenient because their BS’s attention is elsewhere.

And if he did feel like the puppy was too much responsibility and a strain on your relationship? He could’ve used his big boy words and told you.

That’s not the puppy’s fault. Be pissed at the one who betrayed you; not the one who will be unfailingly loyal to you for the rest of their life.

You'd be a lot happier if you got rid of the man child,and kept the dog. She will show you more love and loyalty than he ever will.

Plus, you can spay her. Can’t neuter him…

I say keep the dog!

Tealchicken I think there is an involuntary deviation of the focus of attention.
I have read your messages and I think you might feel better if you talk about the A, the D-day and your feelings, emotions... vent, here, with friends, family, IC... it works very well to hear yourself talking out loud (from my experience).
It seems like you are both going to MC and are analyzing M's problems.
It's not time yet or It's is not the right time.
WS must take steps forward if he wants to R:
NC, total transparency (letting you access all their devices, accounts, etc...), repentance and meditating on the real INDIVIDUAL psychological reasons that have led them to lie, infidelity or to cross the limits, etc...
BS must decide what he wants to do: R, D, Separation, 180, take time to decide...
Many decisions, overflows, obsessions.
The dog can be a great help for healing. In any case is secondary.

... WH has felt like he's gone along with a lot of the major ...choices we've made in our life.

Gently, there's nothing you can do about that. He chose to participate the way he did, and he chose what to think and feel about his choices.

If your MC isn't telling you and him that your H is responsible for his choices, I'd question the MC's competence.

Your H chose to be passive, and he chose to resent it. He can solve the problem easily by accepting responsibility for that and deciding how he'll participate in the future. He probably needs help in doing that, and good help is more likely to come from IC than from MC, IMO.

You get to want what you want, though that's not license to do what you want to do. You talked about the dog with your H. You thought getting it was the best course of action. He did not object when objecting would have been appropriate. That's his problem.

He could view the puppy and kids and life as an opportunities for both of you to connect rather than as obstacles.