SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A warning from an old timer.

Be very careful if you plan to share SI with your WS. At the very least don't allow them to know your username.

I did and I regret it.

My wh and I are divorcing now. And he's made it clear he will try to use anything I say against me.

It's greatly limited my ability to post freely here. I can't ask questions or ask for advice from the collective SI community. Even the good stuff going on I limit.

It's isolating.

Yes I have PM's and I greatly appreciate and love those who I talk to there and I mean no disrespect to them one bit. I just miss being able to share openly what's happening here.

So just be careful what information you share with your ws.

Good advice, and I'm sorry that you're dealing with that (((DragnHeart)))

It's quite hypocritical that WS's will actively go behind our backs with their betrayal and crying about privacy when they are looking to actively sabotage our lives, but when we need a little space for own own healing and processing of emotions they have no problem with it and using it against us.

Agree. Even if you are sure you will reconcile. Even if you're sure they're remorseful. Because the sad truth is, you don't know how it will end up.

Many show it to their WS,hoping they will "get it." Many don't,they just use the site against you. Sure, there have been some success stories. In MY observation, those have been very few.

Don't do it. It's not worth it.

They managed to have an affair, and figured out how to hide it, all by themselves. Just like you, they know how to google,and could find this site all on their own. Or,another similar site. They don't need your help. They're grown adults,capable of seeking out resources, just like you. If they are serious about wanting R, they will be proactive.

Part of their work is being proactive, and finding resources to help them heal the damage they've caused. Don't do it for them. This is YOUR safe place.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:08 PM, Wednesday, November 8th]

Part of their work is being proactive, and finding resources to help them heal the damage they've caused. Don't do it for them. This is YOUR safe place.

This 100%.

For way to long I spent time saving threads, posts, web sites FOR my stbxwh. I shoukd have sat back and watched to see what HE was willing to do to fix things.

I clung to the hope he would get it when his actions screamed the opposite.

Don't waste your time with someone who isn't willing to do the work!

I'm so sorry Dragn. I wish this could still be a safe place for you. I know you could probably use that now.

Have you considered doing a name change and letting your close friends who you trust know (via PM) who you really are? I suppose if he was really motivated, he might still be able to figure it out/connect the dots even if you obscured some identifying information (ie. the farm, etc), but my guess based on what I know about him is that he's possibly too lazy to dig that hard.

Have you considered doing a name change

Yes. This was discussed in detail with the appropriate people when wh was first arrested.

As much as that would give some anonymity, it takes away from all that I've become since I joined. I also don't want to lose yet another thing because of stbxwh. He's taken so much already, I cannot let him take away my identity here.

but my guess based on what I know about him is that he's possibly too lazy to dig that hard.

One hard lesson i have learned from all of this is never underestimate the lengths someone will go to, to make your life just as or even more hellish than it was when they were here.

He's done a pretty damn good job of trying to make things worse for us!

Not that it's all bad! Theres been struggles for sure but the pros outweigh the cons. There's a peace in the house we have never experienced with stbxwh here. Now that he's not here so many wonderful things have happened. The kids have changed so much and experienced wonderful things that wouldn't have happened with stbxwh here.

For a new BS experiencing a dday I think keeping SI for yourself is a good idea. See how your ws actions prove their viability for R. If they find SI, wonderful. But before you share this awesome amazing resource, make sure YOU are protected and safe first. Keep your username to yourself always.

"One hard lesson i have learned from all of this is never underestimate the lengths someone will go to, to make your life just as or even more hellish than it was when they were here."

Sadly true!

Sending ((virtual hugs))

Just to add, if your spouse is remorseful, there is nothing stopping them from finding SI on their own. If they figured out how to conduct an affair without your help, they can find affair recovery resources, too.

edit;add

I'm sure there will be plenty of reconciled people and reformed waywards to defend the benefits of sharing SI with their cheaters, and I'm not denying that those success stories are real and valid. But for every HikingOut, BraveSirRobin, EvolvingSoul, etc, there's 10 psychopaths like DragnHeart's WS who will weaponize SI, use it to manipulate their BS, or see it as a tool to stay one step ahead of their BS.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:13 AM, Thursday, November 9th]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, Dragn. You don;t deserve it

My W and I benefited from both of us being on SI, but I, too, think the risks are too high to invite one's WS to join unless you're well into R. I will say that I told my W about SI very soon after I found it, but she did not join; she wanted me to have a safe place ... or she wanted to avoid being confronted online, since she was being heavily confronted at home, in IC, and in MC. She joined about 2 years out, when she wanted some support I wasn't willing to give.

We are works in process. Often a BS needs to post to check something out - considering D, for example. That can look pretty bad to a WS. Often a BS wants to vent at their WS in a post, even though they also want to R. The venting can look pretty bad to a WS. So be very careful about inviting your WS to join SI.

If they figured out how to conduct an affair without your help, they can find affair recovery resources, too.

That line gave me a laugh, but ... you know ... the logic is obvious.

If they figured out how to conduct an affair without your help, they can find affair recovery resources, too.

I agree and like it so much, it needed even another repost!

One thing I did thst I think is a mistake is to lead thr ws in what they shoukd do to fix things.

He broke it, HE fixes it. Thats hoe I should have let it play out

Well in my case I should have left sooner. Serial cheater who had got physically abusive (never mind the emotional/psychological abuse!) And had an OC. Ugh. I am riddled with guilt for not listening to my SI peeps sooner.

But ad victim services told me. What's done us done, we move forward now.

In any case a ws who truly wants to R will do the work, find the site, get into IC all on their own without the bs having to cuddle them through it. If your ws is not doing anything....well that screams they aren't R material.

Please don't waste years hoping for them to be the person you believed them to be.

there's 10 psychopaths like DragnHeart's WS who will weaponize SI, use it to manipulate their BS, or see it as a tool to stay one step ahead of their BS.

Thank you!

It's so very true. And the reality is, we as BS don't know who our ws is or what they will do. They've been capable of lying and cheating, it wasn't until stbxwh was removed from the house that I saw the depth of how horrible a person he is. I knew he was bad, but damn.
You just really never know people.

This is very good advice, I'm very thankful I didn't share this with her. She is familiar with this site, but does not know my username. This is my place and she's not allowed.

I'm very thankful I didn't share this with her. She is familiar with this site, but does not know my username. This is my place and she's not allowed.

I truly wish I had done the same.

Dragn,

If you haven't already, have you watched any of Dr. Ramani's videos on YouTube? She deals with people who have been involved in an abusive relationship with narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths (lots of overlap). Some of her videos may help you understand certain things and explain them. She does a good job of putting it in easy-to-understand language.

I haven't but I'll look thrm up now, thank you.

Agreed with Dragn 💯! Don’t share the username. It is unfortunate, Dragn, that your ex continues to manipulate and abuse you with his actions and behavior. I experienced something similar when I shared it with my ex, but he has enough problems that I don’t worry about it anymore. If you do share it, maybe suggest a user name change. Ask mods for that.

I am riddled with guilt for not listening to my SI peeps sooner.

Ehhh don't beat yourself up about that. You weren't ready to leave yet and no amount of discussion will make you be ready until you're ready. I'm just so so happy you finally got there Dragn, happy for you and your kids that you made that hard choice.

It makes me feel all the happies seeing you post things now about feeling peaceful and your kids being happier and you feeling better and calmer and reclaiming yourself (instead of posting about your stbx doing some other wayward nonsense). You deserve and have more than earned a peaceful life lady, and it's beyond awesome seeing you finally believing that too. You should be very proud of yourself for making the choice to leave, cus I sure am!

You should be very proud of yourself for making the choice to leave, cus I sure am!

Please don't be.

The decision to end the marriage wasn't really mine. It was forced by police.

Once they charged him there was no chance of ever saving the marriage. I knew it was the end as soon as the officer called me back and explained that they were obligated by law to press charges and I had no say in the matter.

The truth is I had started the process of D and leaving with the womans shelter a year prior but chickened out. I was so afraid of what stbxwh would do if he found out or got served. I wasn't strong at all.

Then the day of his arrest when he left the house that morning I got the death look from him. The same look he gave when he slammed my wrist. I was scared. Not strong.

I can't even think about the what it's that could have been if I hadn't called police.

Now since then, sure I'm proud of how I've managed everything. Well I haven't been perfect but I have surprised myself with just how much I can handle all by myself. The kids all have the supports they need. They have experienced many wonderful things these past 6 months.

We are doing better overall.

We are doing better overall.

This is so great to hear!