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I’ve decided to reconcile but I still hate my husband!

I love my wife, I hate what she did to me!

I hate the version of my WH who behaved in that way and did those things. I hate who he'd become and feel very angry when I think about the affair. I don't want to be married to that person now.

I don't hate my WH now in reconciliation because I see how utterly devastated he is and how he's determined to do the necessary work to repair the relationship (whether we ultimately stay married or not). I have genuine respect for the man and I'm proud of him for the work he's doing.

I don't know yet whether I can continue to be married to him, but I don't hate him. As long as he keeps demonstrating his complete committment to healing, then I can continue in the relationship while I work on healing myself.

There's ambivalence, but no hatred.

If I hated my W, I don't see how I could have reconciled. What does 'reconcile' look like to you?

I have said this before. If my EX needed a kidney I would be the first person in line. Yet when she needed me to tell her I loved and have forgiven her, I couldn’t do that. Not sure where that puts me in relation to the question.

It's ok to hate them. It's NORMAL to hate someone who has abused you. Some say hate isn't healthy..but I'd say it's healthy to hate someone who has abused you,lied to you, exposed you to potential dangerous stds, and a crazy OW/OM.

It's normal. And it's ok.

But it won't bode well for attempting reconciliation. In order to reconcile, a BS needs to be able to swallow that shit sandwich,still love their BS, and be ok with being with someone who did ALLLL of that..as long as they say sorry,and so the work.

If you can't do that..and if he's not doing the actual work..it's best to just file for divorce. Free yourself.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:16 PM, Saturday, October 14th]

IMO, you can't R with someone you hate. You can hate what they did, but if you hate them and still stay with them, you're not reconciled, you're resigned.

Some people aren't willing to blow up their lives to end an unhappy marriage, and I get that. It's usually for money/quality of life reasons. A good litmus test: If you hit the lottery tomorrow, would you leave?

I used to hate my husband for a hot five minutes if he didn’t do the dishes or let his parents be mean to me. Now I’ll hate him for twenty minutes when he isn’t answering a question I have about the A or something but it never lasts. He’s a good person. He is imperfect as I am imperfect and living in close proximity to another adult can lead to moments of intense anger but I can’t hate him in any real kind of way. If he had cheated on me and walked out the door I’m sure I would hate him but this is completely different. But I don’t judge the OP because I think there are things people can do that can cause you to hate. Maybe his or her husband is one of those people.

I do.

And SacredSoul33, it wouldn't even have to be a huge lottery win...I would pack my animals, personal items, and about a trailer worth of furniture, photo albums, and Christmas decorations and be gone the next day.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 2:17 PM, Sunday, October 15th]

If you hit the lottery tomorrow, would you leave?

Reminds me of an old joke (and you can swap genders/titles around as you see fit):

A wife runs into the house jumping for joy and screams, "Honey! Pack your things! We just won the lottery!"
The husband says, "What? Awesome! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?"
The wife replies, "I don't give a **** where you go, just get out!"

Some people aren't willing to blow up their lives to end an unhappy marriage, and I get that. It's usually for money/quality of life reasons.

My mother used to say the first marriage was for love, the second for money.

In reconciliation, I guess they could be 2 marriages with the same couple.

I hate my xWS that's why I am divorcing him.

Yup there are days I absolutely do! I actually did come into some unexpected income but I still stayed. I could be comfortable alone financially but I still stayed with someone that hurt me to the core. It is so strange to feel that way about someone I adored. When you have been married 40 plus years a person doesn’t just leave.

I wish I did hate my spouse, it would make my decision that much easier. I’d rather live under a bridge than with someone that I hate, so the financials aren’t an issue for me. If I didn’t love her I’d be long gone.

I’ve decided to reconcile but I still hate my husband!

Gently, I'm not sure this is possible.

I never once hated my WH. I hate his choices and the way he thinks at times. I hate what he chose to do to our relationship and me. I hate the way he lied.

If I start hating him I will leave. There are days I am very angry about my position in life, but I chose to stay in this relationship for now, trying to reconcile. That may change next year or next month, but in this moment I am choosing to stay. I can't hate him or my life if I am making these decisions, otherwise I would be miserable and that isn't a life I want to live.

I am 74 yrs old. My children are VERY disappointed that I STILL hate my ex! She lives with them and I have gotten hints that she may be starting to show signs of Alzheimer's. Not real sympathetic to that.
They don't really understand what happened because they were very young when it went down. At one time I tried to explain but they did NOT want to hear it. So I told them if they didn't want to know what caused the hate then they can't complain about the intensity or the depth of the feelings.

My ex always accused me of having affairs before hers but I never did. I do admit to flirting a lot because it was just what I did. NEVER did I stray until she got mad at me and left telling me she was going to "go out and show me how it felt". When she got home she said she "Jacked off a guy in the parking lot". so that was my excuse when I made my decision to cheat but that was many months after she did.

I was military and came back from TDY (temporary duty) and I found out she had invited her oldest sister to come down to visit. The first I was aware of this fact was when I walked into my house. I did NOT like this sister because she always tried to cause trouble between my wife and I. We were having a conversation around the kitchen table drinking booze. The conversation turned to sex and we were discussing different positions and acts and the topic of anal came up. My ex went on and on about "Not only NO but HELL NO!! "If you want that you will have to find someone else!! I then turned and looked across the table at my sister-in-law and on her face plain as day that if that's what I want it was AVAILABLE right there!

I still waited a week before I did anything. That was the first time I ever remember a woman having a "boobgasm! An "orgasm while just playing with her boobs". My ex was very hard to give an orgasm to, it took me a LONG time to realize that it was because she never loved me, she was just using me to get out of her home. All said and done my SIL was levels of magnitude better in bed than my ex. The ONLY reason it was so good for me was I was really in love with my ex.

Needless to say it was many years ago (we were in our 20's)

When you have been married 40 plus years a person doesn’t just leave.

They do.. my ex did. And I am so thankful. Now I can live life. I hate him because he cannot just let me be, even though he says he is so happy now. I hate what he did mostly because of what it has done to the kids. I also hate that I lived those 40+ years in mental, emotional and verbal abuse and did not have the necessary skills or knowledge to get out of it.

I was disgusted with my husband when he left me and our marriage of 40 years for the OW.

I felt hate at what he did during the start fo our R., once I took him back.

I occasionally remember the hate /disgust I felt during triggers or flooding.

It's been funny for me the last few days. Normally I'm pretty indifferent towards my EXWW. I mean, I don't really care about what happens with or to her. But recently, for a few days at least, I've found myself going back to a place of anger and revulsion. The best I can figure is that my subconscious has been triggered somehow.

I'm sure it's different for those who chose to R, as they need to be all in. For me at least, I removed myself from the source of my trauma, which really helped me heal. It wasn't until the 5ish year mark that I could actually say I was in a pretty good place. I've never forgiven my EXWW in the conventional sense of saying it to her or having any type of friendliness towards her. I can't see that happening anytime soon or ever. I've just gotten to a place (with the exception of the last few days) where I see her as just someone whom I used to know.