I think it is ok to hate your WS at the beginning. I sure hated mine for a while after DDAY. The death knell for a marriage for me is indifference. Hatred involves strong feelings (confusion, rage, sadness, disappointment, loss of safety, etc). I knew that if I was feeling it, perhaps I was not ready to leave. I think that the hatred was a protective device at the time because anger is powerful and I needed to feel powerful to be able to withstand the agony of betrayal. The person my WH was at the end of his cheating was hateful, and hating the person he was helped me to cope.
Since I wasn't sure if I was going to stay or divorce, I stayed still and did nothing until I could put aside my fury and feelings of hatred and think about what I wanted and needed in a rational way. In order to think about reconciling, however, I had to begin to LIKE him, and to do that I needed to see him take definitive action to show me that he was a person worthy of my consideration and a marriage to me. Once that started happening, it was easier to remember that I could love him. It took a lot of consistent, sustained action on his part for me to begin to feel love for him again. Trust for me is inherent to loving someone, and that took a long time. I knew I COULD love him and I felt like we could be happy, so I waited to see if I could manage to stay in the marriage.
Chewing and swallowing the shit sandwich that the WS serves you is really tough, I'm not gonna lie. The key is genuine remorse. If the WS is willing to do whatever it takes to stay in the relationship, and do it consistently and for the long term, it might be worth it. It is always a risk, and we never get over the infidelity. It just gets easier to cope with.
A big part of my being able to reconcile was the work I did on myself. I set boundaries and made preparations that would allow me to be safe and secure if he did not remain focused on making himself better. I now have my financial ducks in a row and have done the work on myself which will allow me to be strong and steadfast in leaving if needed. My WH is aware that he has no chances left. If one of my dealbreaker boundaries are broken, I make a phone call and the plan is in motion.
