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Am I overreacting? I was on the phone with my husband while he was at work out in the field. All I heard was "my wife left me a present before I left for work" He told me when he left the location that the female employee there said "please allow me" and grabbed one of my long, blonde hairs out of his beard. I am pissed. I mean he handled it correctly but why does this woman think she can touch him like that? Isn’t that a bit of an "intimate" act? My husband is super friendly, funny and kind and I think a lot of women just think they can say things or touch him and he literally can’t say things to these women because they are integral to his work. I’m not mad at my husband but I’m sick of this. I told him to quit being so nice and just be an asshole but he literally can’t. This kind of stuff happens a lot. When I hear a female employee being too friendly and maybe crossing some boundaries I have to point it out because that is literally how the A started before. He always says "did I act different with them than I do any of the men I interact with?" And honestly he doesn’t and that’s the issue I think. Please keep in mind he has to be friendly and personable in his position because he relies on these specific employees to get his job done and they can literally make or break his career. I hate it but it is what it is and we can’t have him losing his job especially right now.

As a reminder I’m the BW that now stays on the phone with my H all day and I literally don’t think I can stop. I think this is a separate issue and I’m not ready to address it. It’s a safety blanket for me and he honestly insists because it also gives him security because I’m not fully healed yet and it’s been almost 6 years.

I don’t think you’re overreacting. There was a point when I followed every move my FWH made….on life 360. Eventually, I was looking for trouble and everything looked like trouble….even when it wasn’t there. It became more harmful than good for me. And yet, nearly 5 years out and I woke up at 4am this morning and went through his phone while he slept.

Things have been going very well, but that in itself can be a trigger for me. I thought things were going well during the A and I’m afraid to completely let my guard down. Trust but verify is a big thing for me.

You cannot control what any other woman does. Maybe set some expectations with your H about how things like this will be handled to make you feel safer.
There was a point when I literally didn’t want my FWH in a room alone with anyone woman who wasn’t related to him. And, if he wants to make another big stupid mistake, you get to decide how you’ll move forward.

I’m so sorry you’re here. It is absolutely the worst.

Just wanted to say I understand. I don’t know the right answer but I completely get it. Every day (not every day but lots of days) my husband comes home with another example of the female staff acting over friendly with their "bosses". It is a messed up situation to begin with where nearly all the folks doing the most senior work are men and the support staff is female. Most of the men are good guys and most of the women are good people. But that still leaves lots who are not. So they put their heads on the men’s shoulders, act flirty and inappropriate. There is a lot of cheating though now it is to the point where it has been made clear to several of the men that if they fraternize in any way outside of work with the staff they will lose their jobs. So I find it really triggering. I could tell him to not share any of this information with me but that feels scary too. So I call and will stay on the phone for long periods of time, or FaceTime or whatever. It is really hard and I just cant wait for him to retire. My husband is polite but sometimes polite can be misinterpreted and its upsetting. I hope you hang in there. I love your husband’s answer, that was a good one.

He can be kind and have boundaries.

Touching is an easy boundary to maintain. He can simply pull back when a female goes to touch him. It's a clear indication of discomfort with physical contact.

How many of us women have had to take a step back, give a look or otherwise send a signal when a man starts invading our space?

It's not rocket science.

I asked him what he did when she reached out towards his face and he said he pulled his head back. I still kinda wish he would say "hey don’t do that!" But then again it might be taken as aggressive or something and then who knows what could happen. Most of the incidents are more talking not physical. He had this one girl who was following him around his location while he worked and just kept telling him personal stuff and would laugh at EVERYTHING he said (which wasn’t much just polite responses). I had to tell him she was upsetting me and he needed to be less friendly with this one so now he just gives her very short, professional responses. Idk if she has boundary issues, was intentionally flirting or just plain dumb but she would ask the most inappropriate questions when he entered that location. One day she said "hey what did you do this weekend?" And then at the end of the week she called his name and said "hey what are you doing this weekend??" We had a huge fight about this. He says she’s like this to everyone and maybe she is I do hear her talking a lot to other customers but then again maybe I am looking for a problem because I’m still scared.

While I don’t think that you were wrong to be upset about his co-worker touching him, I think he reacted appropriately by recoiling from her.

I also think that it’s extremely unhealthy and unproductive for him to have to keep you on the phone and literally carry you around in his pocket all day long so you can monitor his every interaction with other women. Quite frankly, I have no idea how he gets any work done, knowing that you are listening in on him all day long.

If you are satisfied with the work your husband is putting forth to rebuild your marriage, then you should stop keeping him on a leash and actually give him the opportunity to be trusted again.

But if you’re not satisfied with his efforts and thinks he needs to do more, than focus on that and have him come up with a plan of action to demonstrate his commitment to you that doesn’t involve 24/7 monitoring of his every interaction.

For your reference, my ex’s AP #1. He was a maitre d at an upscale restaurant/lounge and she was a bartender. A part from her, he was surrounded by beautiful staff and patrons. 90% of his job was to be handsome and charming. If we had stayed married, I probably would’ve lost my mind from anxiety, even if he had been genuinely remorseful and put the work into reconciliation, which I don’t think would’ve been sustainable in the long term.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:52 PM, Friday, October 6th]

He can be kind and have boundaries.

Agreed. "I've got it, thanks." Is completely polite while also maintaining boundaries. I agree that it's kind of strange for the woman to have touched him, but some people are like that. He is only in charge of his own boundaries, not anyone else's.

As a reminder I’m the BW that now stays on the phone with my H all day and I literally don’t think I can stop. I think this is a separate issue and I’m not ready to address it. It’s a safety blanket for me and he honestly insists because it also gives him security because I’m not fully healed yet and it’s been almost 6 years.

I'm not going to push on this yet, because you indicated you are not ready to address it, but I would really like to encourage you to think about it. I can only imagine that this is contributing to and exacerbating your anxieties. (I say this as someone who absolutely would have found this a comfort post-Dday).

Honestly you & your H are locked in a warp.

At some point being in the phone all day is unhealthy for you. And if that has to continue you are never going to get to a place where you are enjoying your life and your marriage - you are stuck in the marriage police role.

I don’t think a co-worker asking questions about a weekend is unreasonable or inappropriate. That’s just chitchat. It’s not invasive and your H can answer the question with a short mundane answer.

But if you perceive that co-worker as a threat, then you need to come to terms with how your H handles it.

My H was/us your H. Women were very flirty and I never felt threatened. Until his last affair. I made my expectations very known.

I just have to trust he behaves accordingly when I am not with him. If I found out differently, it’s time to move on. Because there are no more chances.

I hope this helps you. And I hope you consider help to get away from your marriage police role. That is living in a state of high anxiety for you.

Thank you everyone. I know I KNOW it’s not healthy to stay on the phone all day. His work is something he does on his own and me being on the phone isn’t a problem in that regard. The problem is that I feel tethered. It’s such a source of comfort for me and like I said it’s a safety net for him since I’m always accusing him of stuff. I truly think I’m broken. We have discussed not doing this anymore. I am constantly trying to figure out where I/we went wrong during R or what is missing for me that hasn’t healed yet. I’m working on it. I think my husband does act appropriately in these situations but also me being witness to them has helped me? I am stuck and I’m trying to unstick myself.

Ok I’ll be honest, I would be the woman that takes a hair off a man’s jacket, out of his beard etc. Not by force but in a similar way "May I/allow me" and gesturing towards the hair/crumb/whatever needs removing. If the man pulls back I stop, I pause enough to give the other person the occasion to indicate if it’s ok or not. I would do it to men and women equally.

I don’t do it to hit on men and I don’t consider men that don’t recoil as not having boundaries. I consider it normal interaction but that’s me.

If someone did this to Wh, pre affair I would have not even cared, post affair… I operate from the same principle on a logical level (so I don’t consider it inappropriate) however emotionally I would want to tell the (fictional) woman to fu*k off and not touch my husband.

That would apply to a variety of interactions from an emotional point of view post affair, for example if I would overhear a woman making my husband laugh, him laughing at her joke, I would also feel that she’s overstepping boundaries or that he’s behaving inappropriately, however, I do tell jokes as well and make male colleagues laugh at work and I don’t do it to sleep with them.

What I am trying to say is that your WH pulled back which by my books means he sent the signal of not being touched, he showed his boundaries. Your reaction is mostly driven by the fact that you know this has happened. If you wouldn’t have heard it, it wouldn’t be a conversation between you two.

I am also saying this from the position of a BS who did ask for extreme transparency in the early days, including staying on the phone each time he had to work overtime to prove he wasn’t with ow. We once spent 2 hours on FaceTime for example as he had a crisis at work after normal hours.

If I would still do that today I would go crazy and we would analyse every WH/female interaction all day long. No doubt there are women picking the odd hair of my WH’s jacket, or telling him a joke and making him laugh in a work environment, or being nice and grabbing him a coffee from the machine the same way I do with my male colleagues when I’m in the office. I would literally question every one’s intentions if I would know his every move!

Once, in the early days I had a full meltdown because WH got a work related call from a female colleague whilst WFH and he appeared too nice, smiley and accommodating to me. Looking back he was just nice in a professional way the same way he would have been with anyone, male or female, and it’s pretty much on par with the way I talk to my colleagues (males and females), I can assure you I have strong boundaries even though I offer to pick the odd hair off a man’s shoulder.

We worked hard though to reach a position of a certain level of trust (but verify), a position where I don’t have to know his every move anymore (although I can if I want to, we still have tracking apps). I believe he should have the freedom to make his own decisions and if he chooses to cheat again, then I wouldn’t want him next to me anyway because it means he is the same man who cheated the first time.

I’m sorry you are still in this position and I haven’t got a solution, I expect that only the thought of giving the phone up is giving you anxiety.

Do you have a job? If not, are you able to fill in perhaps some time in the day with activities you may want to be involved in and not be on the call with him? You can then slowly increase that time and find your new mojo.

In parallel with my WH’s growth work, I also worked on my own hobbies, my own goals, my own growth. I realised how important my life was, for me, I do not wish to waste my life monitoring my spouse’s every move, I’d rather be alone than doing that. He has a choice to make every day, be a good person or be deceitful again, if I feel things are not where they should be I’ll check on him again, but in the meantime I will not make that choice for him.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 10:40 AM, Saturday, October 7th]

You can break the cycle of being in the phone all day. You need to give up the control. That’s what this is. Anxiety induced control.

I think some professional help would be worth an investment. You can start by cutting back each day on how you connect with him.

Maybe not being on the phone all day long will HELP you to stop being scared and give you an opportunity to get strong and stand in your own. Maybe if you had confidence in yourself you would not be so tied to him.

I know when I have it up to God and just was ready to face whatever I needed to down the road, I calmed down after a few days. I put my efforts in me. Not him.

And funny how if he called during the day and I chose not to answer, he would be concerned. He would start to wonder what I was doing.

😃😃😃

You can't begin to move forward,until you stop the all day phone calls.

Every day, all day, you are listening to the back ground noise of your husband's work place, to make sure he's not cheating.

This isn't security. It's your "fix." It's incredibly unhealthy, but it "makes you feel better." Maybe. But it's also keeping you in that insecure,scared, on edge place that you've been in since dday.

Sure, he's not cheating. Good. But what are YOU doing to heal? All day, tied to this phone call. It has to be so tedious. You can't be happy. This is no way to enjoy your life. And its a waste of your precious time.

It sounds as if you know this. You're just not ready to give it up. If you're waiting until you know 100% he won't cheat..that will never happen. It's something every BS who tries to reconcile must accept. You can not control him. You need to heal yourself, so that, IF he ever does it again, you are strong, capable, and you know you will be ok.

Your well being is paramount.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:38 PM, Saturday, October 7th]

The problem is that I feel tethered. It’s such a source of comfort for me and like I said it’s a safety net for him since I’m always accusing him of stuff. I truly think I’m broken.

Are you in IC? If not I think it's something you need to address. This isn't healthy for either of you, and honestly, I don't know your WP but I trust them 100% - if he is willing to do this for you then it's clear he wants things to work. In all honestly I would not blame my WH for telling me no if I wanted to listen to him all day long. Honestly, I'm with Hellfire on this one - it's incredibly unhealthy AND what kind of life can you possibly have if you are listening to your WP or being in his presence 24/7?

You can't begin to move forward,until you stop the all day phone calls.

Every day, all day, you are listening to the back ground noise of your husband's work place, to make sure he's not cheating.

This isn't security. It's your "fix." It's incredibly unhealthy, but it "makes you feel better." Maybe. But it's also keeping you in that insecure,scared, on edge place that you've been in since dday.

Please consider treatment - I am not a therapist so my feelings are pretty worthless here - but it seems to me that you really need help to get beyond this - and that help is going to likely go beyond anything your WP can do.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:35 AM, Monday, October 9th]

By providing him with a "safety net," as you refer to it, you’re actually doing the work for him. He doesn’t have to continually prove that he is trustworthy and make the effort to provide you with comfort and reassurance because you are doing it all yourself through 24-hour surveillance.

Also, even though staying in his pocket all day might be providing you with short-term comfort, it’s actually delaying your healing and making you more paranoid—and therefore dependent on surveillance—over time. It’s like you have a broken leg, but instead of putting a cast on it and learning how to cope with the pain over time as it heals, you’re shooting yourself up with morphine instead. Your injury isn’t healing; it’s actually festering and getting worse, requiring even more morphine to numb the pain.

Your current coping mechanisms are simply not sustainable and I think you should both be working with a counselor to devise other ways that you can rebuild your marriage and trust.

One suggestion I have is that you can try to wean yourself off monitoring him, even if it’s just 10 minutes a day at first, then build up to an hour, until you can get through a whole day or more.

Are you going to be paranoid and accuse him of stuff? Sure. But these are his moments to show that he can be patient and humble; they are also opportunities for him to show that he can be trusted through consistent behavior.

And if he fucks up and cheats on you again? It won’t be because of anything you did or didn’t do; it will because his character is fundamentally flawed and playing marriage police for the rest of your life won’t change that. But at least you gave him the chance to be a better man.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:23 PM, Monday, October 9th]

After much thought, I'll say I do think you're over-reacting, and I have a lot of sympathy for you.

I wonder if you're suffering from serious PTSD. That would be a somewhat unusual but definitely not unknown result of being betrayed. (We all suffer from some PTSD, but 6 years of all day phone connection is outside the normal range, IMO.)

I urge you to find a good IC, one with a lot of knowledge of trauma for diagnosis and treatment. I'm glad your H is supportive, but if PTSD is the problem and if you heal from it, you'll have a better life, and your deserve that.

This post has been on my mind since I made it. Sissoon is correct and I am suffering from PTSD. I have been to IC but it’s not something we can afford regularly. I feel the need to explain the "on the phone all day" situation.

When DDay #1 happened I was gaslit and lied to. One of the things he used as an excuse for his (fake) EA was that I only called him "when I wanted him to do something for me". Now, at this point I was abusing alcohol heavily (I haven’t had alcohol since February 2018 BTW) and I would call him and ask him to go get alcohol, or call and ask him to stop at the grocery store etc. So in a way he was correct. We had a severe lack of healthy communication.

After he said this I went into "I’ll call you every day and just chat for awhile" and I did! This was during his PA too and I just wasn’t aware. I thought we were healing.

So when PA was finally discovered and he confessed several things happened. He changed his position so he wasn’t working with her and I decided I would come work with him (unofficially). Part of this was me doing what she did, work with him. Part of it was me needing to see him all day and know he wasn’t interacting with her. Working with him was good for us, it was good for me. It really went a long way to help me heal.

The working with him stopped when he had to sign some papers (everyone did) about having non-employees out in the field with you so I stopped doing it since it could get him fired. We always got on the phone when I had to leave working with and take care of the kids etc so now it turned into getting on the phone as soon as he left the house.

Yes, it’s a burden sometimes and I wish it wasn’t this way. Part of me likes hearing all he does at work and I say it’s because I did that work too so it is something I care about and understand. It’s also, like I’ve said, a safety net for both of us.

I think I just feel this is a more complex issue than I’ve made it out to be? I think it’s a double edged sword. It’s affair season now so it’s not something I am ready to give up right now.

I thank all of you for your insight and I’ve been taking it all to heart that’s why I had to come back and make this comment.

Also, it’s just a sad thing we can’t afford mental health here. I can’t just go pay for a therapist at my leisure. I know it would help but I get 6 free sessions a year and that’s it. I wish it was more accessible but we are barely surviving financially as it is.

I understand your reasons. It's still incredibly unhealthy.

He's basically on a leash.

It's also a false sense of security. Sure,he's not meeting up with anyone, but he could have a burner phone that he's texting on,even with you on the phone.

Cheaters will find a way.

As a BS,years out from dday, it's time to give him some rope. If he does it again, then you know it's time to move on. Has he done anything at all,since dday, to cause you to doubt him again? No? Then you need to participate in R,and let go of the control.

He has to be able to prove he can be trusted. He can't do that while you have a leash on him.

How about you start slowly. Today, don't call him until noon. Tomorrow,make it 1pm,the next day 2pm.

Reconciliation, especially after years, requires the BS to do some work as well. Your work is to put the phone down. You can do it. It's time.

It's also a false sense of security. Sure,he's not meeting up with anyone, but he could have a burner phone that he's texting on,even with you on the phone.

Oh trust and believe I’ve asked many times! I am I control of the finances and I check everything. I check his Apple purchases, everything I can. If he buys stuff without me I see the receipt. Of course that leaves "well maybe someone else is paying for it" but I’m an extreme over thinker thanks to mental illness.

The trauma of two DDays is what keep me this way honestly. I haven’t healed from the 3 months he absolutely gaslit me, lied to me face, manipulated me etc. We have absolutely talked for thousands of hours. I would say I feel 95% "safe" and I may never be 100%. He says he knows that and doesn’t expect that. He says he will never give up and he is the one encouraging me to keep the "leash" on. It’s weird?

It’s also, like I’ve said, a safety net for both of us.

In what way is it a safety net for him?

This was during his PA too and I just wasn’t aware.

How is it a safety net at all?

In what way is it a safety net for him?

So when I accuse him of something he can say "we are on the phone all day most of the time" Look, I will straight up conjure scenarios, it’s part of my mental illness. If we aren’t on the phone he always send me his location. In my rational brain and heart I truly feel he hates himself and is disgusted with himself for what he did, I mean he’s said it and I believe he feels it. He said all he wants is for me to heal and be happy and move forward as best as we can. I asked him "oh so if I’m not on the phone it prevents you from cheating on me or being tempted to??" He said "absolutely not, I have no desire or thoughts or temptations of any kind, all I care about is you"

How is it a safety net at all?

Well, it wasn’t a safety net then it was me doing something he accused me of not doing which was really just a fake and made up reason. And it wasn’t all day back then maybe 30-45 minute calls.