SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One broke man,

Not to thread jack, but you are actively in an affair and from what we know haven’t ended it or confessed to your wife. You are doing something only for yourself, not your marriage or family.

Your mentality is exactly what we are all talking about. MCC told her WH if you do this it will hurt me, a tremendous amount, and he ignored her and did it anyway. That’s not a nice surprise, not respectful.

Listen to what MCC and everyone else is saying.

Do the right thing.

Sounds like I can't give advices, can't say what I think because of who I am.

Do you always need to be a victim?

People are salty because you are currently cheating, and you're telling a BS who is in pain that she should be thankful for her husband disregarding her feelings.

Maybe instead of advice, you should spend that time confessing.

People here have tried to help you. Eventually, your ow will tell your wife. You will break it off,or she will get tired of waiting around, or she will develop a bit of self respect and do the right thing.

You should really beat her to that.

MintChocChip, why are you not in IC yourself, to get an outside perspective and help process all of this???

Close family or friends? Who do you talk to? What do you have for support in all of this? Maybe I've missed it, but I've not seen you mention any support system.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:01 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

Thanks Owning it now.

I don't have an IC but I called a random one today as I felt traumatised. I can't really afford IC after leaving and being on my own now.

I don't talk to many people in real life about this - it's too hard, but there are two

Person 1) Thinks cheating is unforgivable and has more or less shamed me since I decided to even try and R. I called her and she just told me what an A hole he is.

Person 2) Doesn't think cheating is a big deal and more or less thinks I should have gotten over it ages ago and him buying the house is a gesture of commitment and love (no words)

They don't really get it because they haven't walked in my shoes.

Well, he IS an A hole for doing this. She at least got something right.

Have you looked at online options for IC? Try searching for online therapy because it can be cheaper.

Do you have health insurance that would cover IC? To be honest, I don't know if I would have made it through the pain without IC for support. My irl peeps are very judgy and intolerant types too, so I leaned hard on IC as a place to cry and grieve and feel understood. I will cross my fingers and hope you can find something, Mint. I have no doubt you are traumatized--I would be too. It reminds me of Summertime22 who longed for children but her bf wanted to wait. Then he cheated, got the OW pregnant, and left Summertime to start the new family he supposedly didn't want. She struggled with HIM getting HER dream as much as she struggled with his cheating. It's a type of additional or double betrayal with two dreams stolen. It must be awful.

I am so very sorry, and I'm also a little worried about you. Everyone needs some type of irl support to get through trauma. Thinking of you.

((((MintChocChip))))

Summertime22 is also in the UK. Maybe you two live close enough to be irl support. Unlikely, but I wish!

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:55 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

Thanks Owningitnow,

I have very good friends IRL, but I have found it hard to speak to anyone properly about this because they just can't understand it. The idea of the SI method of R would just be alien to most of my friends, and I guess it makes me feel pretty alone. I don't expect anyone would understand this unless it was a road they had walked.

I am sorry for not responding to people. I have read everything. My head just really, really hurts and I feel really dazed.

Minty, please please take the kind of care of yourself you were lavishing on that unworthy BF!

Do you think you have elevated blood pressure, because it would be no surprise if this threw you into that kind of fight-flight stress. Headaches can be a danger signal unless you have talked to a doctor before about this exact kind of headache.

I know because my BP shot up to "stroke zone," as one doctor put it, for months and months during the earliest D-Day. I had a home monitor and I did check it, but stupidly I kept refusing to start on hypertensive meds for something that HE did to me...until I really got a fright: the landscape was turning steadily around like I was on a carousel, I felt dizzy and lay down to check my BP; it read 190/100. I realized that I better not F around with this. I have a family history of that anyway and since D-Day I have never been able to come off of them.

Maybe this doesn't relate, but I am sending you some concern and empathy. It really isn't easy to learn to enforce Boundaries with some people. As my old doctor told me, it is normal for blood pressure to go way up under emergency situations but the damage is done when it stays up. UNRESOLVED RELATIONSHIP TRAUMA is a number 1 candidate for keeping blood pressure sky high, at least for many people.

Try to drink plenty of water and some healthy fruit smoothies and sleep as much as you can. And do some more purging and turning loose of this manchild.

Superesse, thank you so much :) It is more a migraine :)

I couldn't remember what day it was earlier. I just feel bummed as I was starting to feel a bit better and got another betrayal.

I am seeing things so differently now, because he has been writing to me all day and I can see why it was he always won me around. He was always so good at doing that. He will do anything I want! I can have half the deeds in my name! He will cancel this house and find another one that I love and it can be ours!

I am kind of stepped back and seeing this clearly now that it is just not normal for someone married (no we are not legally married as we married on a beach in Cornwall and you can't do that legally in the UK) but we are married really - and someone married just doesn't go and buy a damn house or have a damn affair and then say that it was a rash decision.

As everyone said, he was teetering on the edge with me and I spoon fed him what I wanted and what I did not want and he just went and did it anyway. This is who he is.

I am not really sure what "love" is, but he seems to "need" me. Like he would basically do anything to have me around and I don't doubt he will pull out of this purchase and lose money because without me he won't want the house - but I think if you love people then you give them a choice over their own life? Don't you? Don't you consider them before you act?

It's not one rash decision. It was a set of decisions. He made them all, knowing it would hurt me. And then I guess the plan was to just steamroller over me like he usually does.

I felt like I wasn't given any choices about his A (or even the decision to be long distance in the first place!) and now he want my home -the place I buy - to not really be my choice either. I dunno.

I am not sure he has the capacity like you all say to just behave in ways that are mutually satisfying.

Do you have health insurance that would cover IC? To be honest, I don't know if I would have made it through the pain without IC for support

.

Thank you Owning, I don't, no, but I did get a lot of IC for the first three years so I had help through the hard part. Since I moved out, my financial picture changed a lot! I feel generally okay - nothing like the desperation of the first year where I don't think I would have made it without IC either.

My irl peeps are very judgy and intolerant types too, so I leaned hard on IC as a place to cry and grieve and feel understood.

See I suppose I was always more like a boy in a lot of ways. I have a number of friends, but I am the one who doesn't text back or get together for drinks. I am kind of an introverted extravert in the sense that everyone would describe me as the life and soul but deep down I want to be home watching a documentary! I am a lot more solitary in my nature and generally find a lot of people overwhelming and also struggle with engaging the day to day "girl chat" kind of thing. This is probably why I love autistics!

I have a four or five extremely close friends who supported me through my fiancé dying many years ago and to be honest after 3 years of this A garbage I am embarrassed to even talk to anyone. I feel a lot like people are disappointed in me for not leaving after the A. It was such a big shock for everyone and they all kept, I guess, making clear they felt I was demeaning myself by staying. I never saw it that way, but I felt shamed by it.

It reminds me of Summertime22 who longed for children but her bf wanted to wait. Then he cheated, got the OW pregnant, and left Summertime to start the new family he supposedly didn't want. She struggled with HIM getting HER dream as much as she struggled with his cheating. It's a type of additional or double betrayal with two dreams stolen. It must be awful.

Oh my God, the things cheaters do :(

I think there was a thing in my head where he had made my past and present a complete nightmare but the future was still up for grabs. I still had a dream of our house and what it would be like finally owning and the whole reason he took the job where he had the A was to make the money to buy the house. So I think I was holding a lot of my hope in some kind of happy ending that made everything that's happened somehow okay again!

I am just very tired now, so think I am going to pass out

x

I feel a lot like people are disappointed in me for not leaving after the A. It was such a big shock for everyone and they all kept, I guess, making clear they felt I was demeaning myself by staying. I never saw it that way, but I felt shamed by it.

I do not belive that this were their true feelings. My friend started dating my another friend, who was pretty unhinged in terms of relationships (childhood trauma). I gave him all the evidence and he still went for it. I didn't feel less about him, I understand love. He just needed to find out, anything what I would do from that point on would be just increasing distance between us. Friends just can't help you if you don't listen. Of course we can frame it as thinking about you as demeaning yourself but at the end of the day it is just helplesness.

[This message edited by Potentialforevil at 1:11 AM, Monday, October 2nd]

Have you read about trauma bonding? The intermittent reinforcement (also called breadcrumbing) by some partners can cause you to be trauma bonded. It causes a chemical reaction in your brain so that you're chemically addicted to your partner. It causes you to have a more difficult time separating. Dr. Ramani has some videos on YouTube that discuss trauma bonding, and you may find them helpful. (She is a specialist in helping people recover from narcissist abuse. I'm not saying your WH is a narc, just that the videos are helpful at explaining what is happening.)

ETA: he has taken away your agency to make informed decisions about your life.

[This message edited by leafields at 6:01 AM, Monday, October 2nd]

It makes sense that you feel betrayed again. At its core, an affair is one partner deciding they get to make decisions unilaterally for themself AND for their partner. The partner’s knowledge or choice doesn’t matter. The wayward irrevocably change the relationship, allowing their partner no say, no choice in the matter.

This is the same thing. He decided to buy the house; you didn’t get a say. He can twist it six ways from Sunday; in the end it’s still him taking all the power and denying you your fair say.

Many/most waywards have no vision for what partnership means. And most of them are very, very good at justifying their actions to themselves and manipulating others. They can come up with all sorts of reasons for why they get to make the decisions, for why they get to keep you in the dark and give you no say over major, major components of your life.

I’m very sorry you’re in this situation. Trust your gut reaction to this. It IS another betrayal.

Grieving, Hellifield, Siston and others - thank you for putting into words what I couldn't.

It is the unilateral decision making that feels like a betrayal and removal of my right to choose.

Thank you.

Hugs, my friend. I'm sorry that you're hurting, but I'm also glad that you got a clear sign that it's time to move on and take care of yourself.

You were betrayed again. And it sounds like it’s the last straw. Although it sounds like you’ve been in one of those situations where the last straw was 10 straws ago.

Mint,

I'm sorry that you find yourself back here in this position. Unfortunately, your WH has shown you who he is again. I think the only advice that I feel comfortable offering is that this time you believe him. His actions are telling you who he is, not his words, his actions...and it's not like buying a home is like going out and buying a new TV. If I wanted to go get a new TV, I can go hit up one of the big box retailers and drive off the lot with a shiny new flat screen TV. Whereas a home purchase is certainly premeditated, requires that the buyer do all the paperwork to get pre-qualified to even see homes, at least where I am, unless you are pre-qualified to a certain amount, you can't even do a showing of the property. Your WH went through and did all that without consulting you, a lot of it I'm sure after you and him had the discussion on this very topic.

The reason this feels like you were cheated on again, is because you were. This is a betrayal and furtherance of his wayward mindset. Your best bet is to stop by an attorney's office today to get the divorce paperwork started, have him served and then proceed to go No Contact. I know that you are sympathetic and empathetic towards his health and his neurodivergency, but those factors didn't seem to be an impediment to him betraying you again with this home purchase, so they are certainly not a barrier to him doing the work if he is truly going to pull his head out of his ass and do the work, which if I'm being honest he will not do, since his actions told me and you that he refuses to do anything other than surface level work.

(((MintChocChip))) I'm so sorry I would be be super pissed too. He did lie about it. I mean he could have told you I am buying a house. I honestly think it is a manipulation tactic to get you back. Buying a house together should happen after all the work he does on himself. I don't understand it. He had to have known this would upset you. He should be in therapy working on himself instead of manipulating the situation.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:25 PM, Monday, October 2nd]

He should be in therapy working on himself instead of manipulating the situation.

All the money spent in appraisals, earnest deposits, etc. that is associated with a home purchase, as well as all the time spent looking at houses to buy would've all been better spent doing anything else, therapy is a good start, but talk about a waste of time and money. Mint, you should make sure if you do go for divorce that all funds he took to purchase this home come out of any share he is owed in the divorce.

He will do anything I want! I can have half the deeds in my name! He will cancel this house and find another one that I love and it can be ours!

I think that it is manipulative that he places this responsibility back on you after he did exactly what you told him not to. He knows that you don't want the house. You spoonfed it to him. And now AGAIN you have to be the one to tell him what to do. If he really cared about what you wanted, he would have already backed out of the house when you reacted poorly or better yet, not done it in the first place. But he didn't. Maybe because he knows it is THE thing that you want. He wants to see if you take it because you accepting the house brings you back under the same roof as him. It's a sign that you are moving forward with him instead of without him. He's not doing what you want because he wants to see if you give up and tell him to do what he wants instead.

If I were you, I'd continue to not answer him and see what he does. Does he keep the house? Does he back out? You've told him what you want so now let's see if he does it or if he puts more pressure on you to make the decision for him. Is this a pattern of behavior with him? Does he try and get you to accept it when he makes deliberate choices against what you want? This seems a bit calculated on his part.