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General :
Waiting for a heartfelt apology

Topic is Sleeping.

 DeidreE (original poster new member #83912) posted at 3:24 AM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

An apology is what I really need from my WS. He just says "I'm sorry. I need help."
His mistress gave me a better apology. I left my number on her door as well as a message on her ring camera (for her and her husband) I was not going to suffer alone and felt like he should know.
When we talked I told her I just needed her to be honest with me.
She corroborated most of his claims but there were a couple that he is still lying about. Sad that I believe his "sex partner" (he hates when I call her his girlfriend)
She seemed very sincere. Asked me not to hate her, apologized, said she would never message him again, apologized again, explained that she just liked someone messaging her, etc.
I will let you guys know if I get an actual apology.

I'm gonna put him in his place
With charm and grace
Elegance and style. -The Films

posts: 8   ·   registered: Sep. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Maryland
id 8809528

HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 3:39 AM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

He is a serial cheater. That is it. His apologies are worthless because he will do it again. And it doesn’t matter if he does it again, he has had multiple affairs. Ask yourself why are you staying. I’m not blaming you, none of this is your fault, but your husband is the "once a cheater always a cheater".

I hope you can find strength to leave. I will never say stay with a serial cheater. It’s never worth it.

Me mid 40s BH
Her mid 40s WW
1 year EA/PA

"Just" a friend.
in R, getting by

posts: 99   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8809529

SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 11:48 AM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

Please note that ONLY WS can start discussions in the Wayward forum as per the guidelines posted quite clearly at the gates of the forum.
Moved to General.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:51 AM, Wednesday, September 27th]

posts: 10026   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8809556

InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 12:24 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

You have every right to expect a heart felt, factually accurate, fully accountable with no defensiveness apology from a husband who has utterly betrayed you and wants you to even consider reconciling with him. Every right in the world to that, don’t let anyone tell you different.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. - Max Plank

posts: 1199   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8809558

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:41 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

I am glad to see you are in therapy. I hope it helps you figure out what you want out of life and how to get it.

Therapy helped me tremendously. I didn’t go to marriage counseling during my H’s affair b/c he refused to go.

But after I told him to "get out and BTW I’m D you" he begged me to go for marriage counseling.

I refused but continued with my own counselor.

Since your H has cheated multiple times, I strongly urge you to have an exit strategy for yourself. Money in the bank in your own name. A place to go if you leave your home (or he leaves). A plan to D as well (mediation, attorneys etc). You need this plan just in case.

In my case I needed it sooner than I thought. Glad I had it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13699   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8809561

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:00 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

Words mean nothing. He's a serial cheater. What work is he doing to become a safe partner?

I've read a few of your posts. The ow, who got your message,called you back later, and all of her details matched your husband's? They had time to talk,and get their story straight.

Married men don't involve themselves with married women to talk,and send pics. When distance isn't a factor, they're in it for the sex.

You deserve a sincere apology from someone who is truly sorry. He's sorry he gets caught. Proof..he gets caught, tells you he's sorry..but turns around and does it again. He's not sorry. You are wanting an apology he is incapable of giving.

You also deserve the truth. Have him write a full,complete timeline of all of his affairs, then schedule a polygraph to compare it to.

A serial cheater who claims no physical contact? Well, cheaters are liars.

I saws that you said he treats you amazing. It's a mask. A facade. Infidelity is a form of abuse. He is abusing you. It's not uncommon for the ws to be "great" at home. They do that to try to better hide their activities. It's a lie.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6172   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8809565

AintDatSpecial ( new member #83560) posted at 2:48 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

Do you deserve the apology? Absolutely. 100% without a doubt.

Will you get it and will it be sincere if you do? No way to know that.

This is why everyone tells the BS to focus on healing themselves. If we are hanging in the balance waiting for the people who betrayed us to do the right thing, we are robbing ourselves of our own happiness. We cannot give a cheater that much power.

I can tell you my WH has apologized so many times, pretty much every day. It helps maybe a bit to see that he’s remorseful in my opinion of him but it doesn’t change my opinion of me. I know I deserve better.

Me- BW/ Him- WH, both early 40s/ D-day June 2023/ working on healing me

posts: 49   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2023   ·   location: United States
id 8809575

survrus ( member #67698) posted at 5:43 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023


Your serial WH will not even admit to obvious truths, it's insulting that he thinks you are stupid enough to accept his redefinitions.

He should not be allowed to manipulate and minimize your language or feelings. He sounds like a 10 year old who cries when he doesn't win at sports.

I think the behavior of the OW tells you that he has a system of lies and manipulation to seduce women, this is part of who he is.

He will fight you for every admission and it will feel like an endless battle.

To cure him expose his affair widely to everyone in his life that matters without extreme medicine he's going to continue because deep down he feels he is right.

posts: 1420   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8809611

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 7:30 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

A few things I learned about apologies.

1. If they say sorry while they are still actively hurting you, the apology is just hot air and means nothing.

2. On the above, the only time an apology actually means something is if it comes with meaningful changes in their behaviors.

3. You find peace when you accept the apology you won't ever get.

I am not saying that he doesn't owe you an apology, just not to base YOUR healing on him doing that - he may just not be capable of it. Also, just my 0.02, but I highly doubt the mistress was honest with you. Liars like her and your wh lie. That's what liars do.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3899   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8809623

DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 5:45 PM on Thursday, September 28th, 2023

I don't know if this is helpful or not...

It took me years (as a WS) to get past my own bullshit enough to actually feel empathy for my BW. And having been on SI for years, I've seen that same pattern in other WS's over and over again. The thing is, it takes an incredible amount of entitlement, selfishness and lack of empathy to have an affair in the first place. That's not something you just "shake off" as a result of having been caught. It's a character flaw. (To be clear, that's not a judgment on WS's. I'm not saying they are bad people at heart. Most of the time, they are just very, very broken people who lack the skills and experience it takes to be a better person.) Changing that takes a heroic amount of effort, understanding, humility, and sacrifice. Which is why most WS's never succeed in changing.

Most WS's are capable of "saying the things", such as "I'm sorry" or "I had an affair" or other statements that, to an outsider, might seem like a heartfelt apology. But they aren't heartfelt, or more accurately, they aren't heartfelt towards YOU, the BS, the victim. Most WS's are sad for THEMSELVES. They feel badly for cheating. They feel badly for getting caught. They feel badly for screwing up not only their marriage but their affair as well. My point being, everything they feel is about themselves, not about the person they hurt, not really. Worse yet, the sorrow they feel for themselves is misguided. They don't think to themselves, "Gosh, I really denigrated myself there. I gave up my own self-respect and dignity, for nothing." Instead, it takes the form of self-pity. They are sorry for ruining their own lives moreso than anyone else's.

It can be difficult for a non-WS to understand this sometimes. For most people, integrity and empathy are part of who they are. If you bump into someone in a restaurant and end up spilling a drink all over them, the result is that you feel badly for THEM. You apologize, you help clean them up, you offer to pay for cleaning or new clothes, you buy them a new drink, promise to be more careful, etc. In other words, we "own" what we did, and then we do all we can to both maintain our own sense of dignity, while also showing empathy and care for the other person and the result that our actions had on them. Which, same as you, is all most BS's are really asking for from their WS's. Just "own it". Just show some concern and actual care about someone other than themselves. It's not really the apology that matters, it's just the fact that you, the BS, seem to not matter to the WS. It leaves most people feeling unseen, unheard, and most of all, uncared for. It makes us wonder how we could care more about a stranger in a restaurant than someone we married and love and have built a life together with.

You're not going to get the apology and the understanding that you are looking for until (and if) such time that the WS does "the work" and makes serious changes and growth in their life. In the most simple terms, you can't show love for someone else until you love yourself first, and a person that is buried in shame and guilt and entitlement and selfishness, most certainly does not love themselves. They loathe themselves. People who loathe themselves struggle with self-love, and often lack the skills to "self-soothe" or feel good about themselves regardless of what others think. So instead, they get their love and happiness from others. They need other people to like them, to love them, to tell them that they are smart, handsome, funny, talented, whatever. Their self-worth is predicated on approval and compliments from others. Which seems to work just fine... until it doesn't. The problem is, the moment that "flow of incoming love" stops, the WS finds themselves empty and full of self-loathing again. I often describe it as a gas tank with a hole in the bottom. As long as you keep pouring gas in, it's fine. When the flow stops, the tank empties, fast, and the WS is left in a panic, and in a state where they feel overwhelmed, and defined, by their own lack of self-love. And what's the easiest way to fix that? Go find someone to tell you that you're great, someone who will put you on a pedastal, make you feel special, treat you like your presence in their life makes their life better. You know... an affair. (Which, btw, is why affairs have nothing to do with "love". It's about using each other to get the approval we need, even if it's fake and fucked up.)

If you choose to stay with your spouse, then my best advice is to insist on them doing the work. Make it a requirement of R. They have to figure out what it is in their lives that made them so needy in the first place. If they lack the skills to self-soothe without requiring others, then they need to develop those skills. They need to understand what factors in their life (in most cases, this goes back to childhood) contributed to how they feel about themselves today, and have a plan of action to "fix" those things. This is no small feat, and requires courage and commitment, and a willingness to fail and yet keep trying. But it CAN happen, and if and when it does, it can change the dynamics of the relationship in positive ways. I just want to be clear that there are no gaurantees. A lot of damage has been done. Your spouse might do the work and become the world's most perfect person, it still may not matter. I try to impress on most WS's that the work is worth doing, regardless of the marriage outcomes. Until they make those changes in their lives, it will continue to affect all future relationships (work, friends, family) as well as how they feel about themselves.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1418   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8809752

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:57 PM on Thursday, September 28th, 2023

Why do you want apology? Hasn’t he lied to you enough?

Your problem is that want your husband to feel something that he doesn’t.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8809772
Topic is Sleeping.
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