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Newest Member: BlusteryDay

Just Found Out :
Scared

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Sincity (original poster new member #83901) posted at 1:35 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Am I just setting myself up to be a sucker by even thinking about working things out? How do I live the rest of my life with this fear and self doubt? I'm so scared.馃槥

I'm sorry if this post is all over the place, my brain is like scrambled eggs right now.

[This message edited by Sincity at 4:20 PM, Monday, October 16th]

BW
Taking it one day at a time

posts: 28   路   registered: Sep. 21st, 2023
id 8808847
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Gunnut ( member #63221) posted at 2:22 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

I鈥檓 in the same boat as your husband. My WW has become very stingy with sex too. I鈥檝e spoken to her several times, asked her to take steps to improve our marriage and our sex life. She has been very slow to do anything about it and Im feeling sad, frustrated and of course super horny. That said, if she continues to not care about my needs in our relationship, we will divorce and I will move on. That鈥檚, what I feel, is what decent people do. Feeling entitled to cheat because of lack of sex, is still entitlement.

He鈥檚 a serial cheater and they only change if they really want to and they seem to rarely want to. They have to change themselves entirely because it鈥檚 baked into who they are. You should see a lawyer, get an std test and read the healing library, especially the part about the 180

You probably could have been a better wife and may have deserved a divorce, but you certainly didn鈥檛 deserve to be cheated on. He could have handled the situation without abusing you. I鈥檓 sorry that you鈥檙e going through this.

posts: 458   路   registered: Mar. 29th, 2018   路   location: Minnesota
id 8808866
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Sick2Death ( member #24681) posted at 2:25 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Sincity,

I鈥檓 sorry you are here. None of us wanted this. I think you should start reading in the library. I have kept making excuses for my WH of 28 years still.

What I will tell you is the first time I found myself in this nightmare I thought we were doing well. Now looking back I sold myself short, I was scared, I rug swept and my WH was contrite but really didn鈥檛 do much work except for STD testing and talking to a counselor a couple times.

Fast forward, shocker I鈥檓 in it again. I鈥檓 in limbo and no longer working so I鈥檓 stuck at the moment. I have noticed a difference with my WH this time. He has been in consistent counseling for over 6 months. I have full transparency. (Note the second time around they are smarter at sneaking and hiding.). But I have been cold at times, unemotional, vague and noncommittal on our future and telling our adult kids. He is also witnessing the destruction of behaviors like his in other couples we know that are divorcing.

I don鈥檛 think you should make any decisions immediately but I do think you should be very firm and hard on him. He TT you for quite some time. And repeatedly lied over and over. The lies may not be done. Have him write a time line. I still have mine hidden safe with all my evidence.

Read about the 180 it really does work. Ask him for space or to move out temporarily to avoid hysterical bonding. All of this really does happen.

Sending you strength. 鉂わ笍

S2D

BS Me 52 WH 54 Married 28 years

posts: 51   路   registered: Jul. 4th, 2009
id 8808869
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 Sincity (original poster new member #83901) posted at 2:43 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

@Sick2Death -

[This message edited by Sincity at 4:21 PM, Monday, October 16th]

BW
Taking it one day at a time

posts: 28   路   registered: Sep. 21st, 2023
id 8808877
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 Sincity (original poster new member #83901) posted at 2:46 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

@Gunnut - I am sorry you are going through this with your WW. It is good to know that there are people out there who understand right from wrong and are willing to to do the right thing like ask for a divorce rather than cheating on their spouse. Thank you for that.

BW
Taking it one day at a time

posts: 28   路   registered: Sep. 21st, 2023
id 8808880
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Sick2Death ( member #24681) posted at 3:10 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Sincity,

I apologize if you thought I was saying you were making excuses. It鈥檚 hard for all of us to remove our own experience bias when dealing with this.

My WH I confronted both times after discovering something was off and sluthing. I always had to dig for all the information.

The first time we were about to move across the country when DDay happened. I had lined up a new position in my company and my kids were young. So I insisted on STD testing, starting seeing a counselor on my own, didn鈥檛 tell anyone, and he talked to a counselor 2 times and thought he and this situation was fixed.

As time went by I thought we were rebuilding and like I said I rug swept.

He was in the military, there are pressures there and a very long and difficult Afghanistan deployment. I just held it together to get to the other side. My point is the hard work and honest conversations didn鈥檛 really happen. Now he sees his IC and we openly discuss issues. It is just different this time.

I hope this helps.

S2D

BS Me 52 WH 54 Married 28 years

posts: 51   路   registered: Jul. 4th, 2009
id 8808890
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:31 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Two things you know for sure..

He wasn't sorry until you found out. The only thing that changed was you now know. He's sorry you found out.

He told you he was lying to her,to get what he wanted. So now you know he lies to women,to get his desired outcome. That includes you.

He's a serial cheater. They don't just change because the spouse finds out.

What are your requirements for attempting reconciliation? At minimum..

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

Std tests..again. Many stds don't show up immediately. You need to be tested as well.

He answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness.

He is accountable for his time away from you.

He spent a lot of family money on prostitutes..he needs to figure out how to reimburse that money.

He is proactive in healing the damage he has caused you, the, and the marriage.

He goes NC with the OW.

And anything else you need to begin to feel safe.

Your job is to care for yourself, and the kids. Don't listen to him. His actions will let you know if he is R material. Get tested. And you need to call her husband and inform him. He also deserves to know. His life is at risk..his wife was having sex with a man who uses prostitutes. Don't tell your husband that you have told the OBS,or that you are going to. He will warn her,and by the time you speak to her husband, she will have told him your crazy,jealous, and accusing all female acquaintances of having an affair with your husband. Also,he is supposed to be NC, so if he says anything about it,you know he is still having an affair with her.

It takes 3 to 5 years to heal..and that can't start until you have the truth. You don't have that yet.

He also needs to write a complete timeline of his affairs, and you need to schedule a polygraph to compare.

Don't tell him about this site. He has not reached remorse. This is your safe place.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:35 PM, Friday, September 22nd]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6171   路   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   路   location: The Midwest
id 8808899
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:24 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Welcome to SI and sorry that you had to find us. The brain scramble is from the trauma, and it's normal. If you're having trouble sleeping or think you might be getting depressed, see your doctor for meds. They can help you get through the first hurdles.

For me, IC with a betrayal trauma specialist was very helpful.

Watch your WH's actions and not his words. He should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Also, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2893   路   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   路   location: Washington State
id 8808941
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 Sincity (original poster new member #83901) posted at 6:17 PM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

Leafields - I am watching his actions but I have no idea what to look for.

[This message edited by Sincity at 4:21 PM, Monday, October 16th]

BW
Taking it one day at a time

posts: 28   路   registered: Sep. 21st, 2023
id 8809106
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 Sincity (original poster new member #83901) posted at 6:20 PM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

HellFire -

this is great advice, thank you.

BW
Taking it one day at a time

posts: 28   路   registered: Sep. 21st, 2023
id 8809107
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:35 AM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

Your cheater can be doing everything right, but sometimes it鈥檚 just not enough. There are times when many betrayed spouses have had enough and end up divorcing the cheater 鈥 even if the cheating has stopped.

This is something only you can decide.

I hope you consider counseling for yourself. It was the best thing I ever did during my H鈥檚 midlife crisis affair.

It helped me figure out what I wanted in life and where I saw my future. I got to a point where I decided I can be good with or without my H.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13699   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8809151
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 7:55 AM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

Yeah, on D-Day the WS can seem very convincingly regretful. Many times to a point where you begin to feel sorry for them, feel badly for being so hard on them, blame yourself. Seeing my WS sobbing and begging and self denigrating was heartbreaking.

Then later, witnessing her off-stage, defiantly talking shit with her bff, I realized it was all an act of sorts.

Watch for actions, actions with definitive follow-through. Definitive follow-through for infidelity reconciliation involves a lifelong commitment. Not a short term temporizing effort, such as: "I鈥檒l just lay low for a while, be a good boy for a while, do a little extra housework, until this all blows over"

Something more along the lines of an eternal crusade, where he battles to win you back, win you over, and keep you forever. Where he understands the damage he鈥檚 caused, the pain, and the scope of work required to make things right.

He doesn鈥檛 get to complain about the lack of sex for a while. Before he cheated, there was an array of options available to him to remedy this unmet need. Now that he鈥檚 cheated, he鈥檚 going to just have to place those needs at the back of a long line of bigger problems he鈥檚 now introduced to the marriage, problems that now take profoundly greater priority. That鈥檚 the irony of cheating, it overshadows, preempts, makes whatever "reasons" you had for cheating, now pathetically irrelevant under these new horrible circumstances.

Which is a tragic shame, because intimacy in a marriage is extremely important, for both of you. I bet you would have appreciated a more loving, caring approach to solving this issue rather than cheating.

Don鈥檛 you, at all, feel obligated to provide sex for him at this time. Let sex return organically to your marriage, on your terms, when you need it, desire it.

His unmet sexual needs are not the fundamental reason he cheated. It鈥檚 something more elemental than that, something deep in the core of his character, that needs to be fleshed out by an able therapist.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:28 AM, Sunday, September 24th]

posts: 1243   路   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8809156
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 Sincity (original poster new member #83901) posted at 5:23 PM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

The1stwife - I am starting IC this week, I hope to get some clarity.

BW
Taking it one day at a time

posts: 28   路   registered: Sep. 21st, 2023
id 8809197
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 Sincity (original poster new member #83901) posted at 5:25 PM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

RealityBlows -

Yes, it is so tragic. I miss intimacy with my husband. I didn't realize how much until now.

BW
Taking it one day at a time

posts: 28   路   registered: Sep. 21st, 2023
id 8809198
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 6:13 PM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

The1stwife - I am starting IC this week, I hope to get some clarity

I am glad yo read this. I think it will help you tremendously. A few things I learned:

It鈥檚 OK to have mixed feelings. Doesn鈥檛 make you a bad person.

It鈥檚 OK to do the 180 also.

Your spouse can only help you heal to a point 鈥 then the rest is up to you.

Figure out what you wanted out of life. What are your dreams and passions and vision as to how you see your life?

I saw my counselor for years after the affair ended. I learned to stand up for myself (not in a mean way but a calm adult way) and not give in all the time.

Yes there were dealbreakers for me but luckily it never came to that. I stated my expectations. He either did it or didn鈥檛, but it was not open to discussion and I was ready to D if it came to that.

It restored the balance of power. I was no longer a doormat in my marriage and my H could not use that as a means to get his own way.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13699   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8809201
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forestfirepine ( new member #82479) posted at 10:01 PM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

I am so sorry you are here, but just know that you are not alone. Many people don鈥檛 seem to get how difficult betrayal trauma can be. But here 鈥 people DO get it. Take care of yourself and don鈥檛 let anyone minimize what you are going through right now.

I would like to gently nudge you to consider that your husband could be a sex addict. I see a lot of similarities between your story and mine. Of course, I could be wrong, but I feel obligated to just put it out there that this might be worth considering.

My husband struggled in those first few weeks to get his head around what might be going on for him. When he finally realized that he was an addict, he was curled up in a ball on the floor. Some people (my husband included) hesitate to address sex addiction because they feel if they admit they are an addict, others will think they are just making excuses for their bad behavior. But the truth is that the addiction doesn鈥檛 excuse bad behavior because character flaws lead to the addiction in the first place.

Dopamine Nation might be worth a read (addict or not). My husband learned a lot by reading that. There is hope, though many will give you a discouraging outlook. We are almost 11 months past disclosure and my husband has been completely sober for over 10 of those months. He works super hard 鈥 he is in some kind of group or therapy 4 nights a week. His brain chemistry has changed dramatically 鈥 it is very hard to describe but I can see it in his body language, in the way he talks, the way he empathizes, the way he can focus.

I too thought we had a pretty good marriage and I was and still am deeply in love with him. I have decided to see if we can reconcile, but I do have deal breakers (of course). I am financially very secure and don鈥檛 need to stay with him. I have a ton of friends and a career I love. I stay because I love our family, he is my best friend, and I vowed to love him (even in sickness). He has worked very hard to be a safe partner for me and it sounds like your husband is at least on that track 鈥 it is all very early and time will tell. Hang in there.

Take what I said with a grain of salt and just know that I am rooting for you both the get to a place of peace.

ForestFirePine

posts: 38   路   registered: Dec. 1st, 2022   路   location: Minneapolis
id 8809228
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 Sincity (original poster new member #83901) posted at 3:21 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

ForestFirePine - I have considered the sex addict part, I don't think he really is to be honest. I feel like he would have been cheating throughout our whole relationship if it were so, but I could be wrong. I guess that is something he can figure out on his own through counseling (his first session is today).

I wish you weren't experiencing this same pain, sometimes it feels unbearable.

BW
Taking it one day at a time

posts: 28   路   registered: Sep. 21st, 2023
id 8809580
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 Sincity (original poster new member #83901) posted at 3:34 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

This is just a general question looking for feed back - how come passwords to accounts are so important to BS's here?

[This message edited by Sincity at 4:22 PM, Monday, October 16th]

BW
Taking it one day at a time

posts: 28   路   registered: Sep. 21st, 2023
id 8809582
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 3:54 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

You don鈥檛 have to be cynical. Many betrayed s are forced to become cynical b/c the cheater never stops cheating or makes reconciliation and recovery nearly impossible.

It sounds as though your H is doing what he can to help you heal from the trauma he caused you and your marriage.

Unfortunately it takes time to know if the cheater is all in or just doing what needs to be done at the moment to get you off his back (so to speak).

I think a large majority of the betrayeds sincerely believe their spouse wants to R. And many many betrayed believe they can. It鈥檚 up to the cheater to make it happen and commit to making changes.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13699   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8809586
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 Sincity (original poster new member #83901) posted at 2:09 PM on Saturday, September 30th, 2023

The1stWife, that is my biggest fear, if he can stop. sad

BW
Taking it one day at a time

posts: 28   路   registered: Sep. 21st, 2023
id 8810022
Topic is Sleeping.
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