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Newest Member: LaSecondeFois

Just Found Out :
Devastated and heartbroken


 Roseonpond (original poster new member #83832) posted at 11:56 PM on Tuesday, September 19th, 2023

Aug 17, was my D-day. I had been suspicious oh my WH for awhile. That day he called me stating he was at a lesson but when I checked his phone, it showed his location at a total different location. By the time I drove to his car, he had just come out of AP's car. I was shocked! I had found them moments after having sex. When I got there wh asked me to please leave, like I would. I tried to open her door but she locked it. My wh told her to open the door. which she did. I asked them questions, some of which were answered some not. I asked wh if he loved ap, he said "NO". I told wh to say that to ap, which he did. I told ap she had better tell her husband or I would. Later after much screaming I found out that this affair had been going on for almost 2 years. Ap had temporarily worked with wh until she was let go. Prior to being fired, ap confessed having feelings for wh. They met at certain locations around the area of where we live and mostly in her car, but always sex in a car. Wh has cut all contact with her and promises to never talk to her again. I have asked wh so many questions, after seeing this woman am shocked at her appearance. She wasn't young, pretty or thin. I want ap spouse to know the truth but don't know how to contact him. I have sent text to ap to tell her husband and she says she has but I don't know for sure.I know I'm all over the place with the post and I am sorry. Wh says he was relieved I found out and had tried to end it several times, ap has accepted the blame and stated the same and she is the one who couldn't let him go due to her mental state. It sill makes me sick!!!!

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2023   ·   location: United States
id 8808525

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:58 AM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you had to find us. It's fairly normal for your thoughts to be all over the place. Plus, you'll find that your emotions are all over the place, which we call the emotional rollercoaster.

There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that have a lot of great information. The Healing Library is another excellent resource, and has the list of acronyms we use.

Asking a million questions, and repeatedly asking the same million questions is because you've suffered trauma and your brain is trying to assimilate the info. Give yourself some grace because it can take years to heal from infidelity. It's the worst pain I've felt.

It isn't usually about looks. I mean, look at all the gorgeous actors & actresses that have been cheated on. It's more of a character issue with the cheater.

You will need to get checked for STIs/STDs because it's very doubtful they used protection. If you need meds for depression, anxiety, or sleep, be sure to ask your doctor. The meds can help you get through the tough parts.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2894   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8808546

annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:32 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you are now a member of the best club no one wants to join. crying

First things first, please get tested for STDS asap.

Find a good counselor for yourself to help you navigate this trauma.

Ask your husband to write a timeline of the affair.

Find out who her husband is and inform him of the affair. Do not tell your husband you are doing this.

Your husband needs to give you passwords to everything, his phone, his social media, his emails, voicemails, etc. A tracker on his phone.

Ask him to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair.

He needs individual counseling as well to figure out why he betrayed you.

Both of them are to blame. Your husband doesn't get off the hook, and please don't rugsweep his betrayal.

Understand it is going to take years to move past infidelity, no quick fix, no easy route, two steps forward, three steps back.

I'd also stay vigilant as sometimes cheaters purchase a burner phone.

Please watch your husband's actions, words are meaningless, cheaters lie. Every one of them

AP is a liar as well. I highly doubt she informed her husband she was sleeping with another man for almost two years. Find her husband and allow him to know he has been living a lie as well.

A huge hug.....

posts: 12022   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8808631

 Roseonpond (original poster new member #83832) posted at 9:29 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Thank you for the advice. I have all wh passwords to his social media and his phone. He hid it all through whatsap, They would message back and forth and send pics. Wh would delete the app then reinstall to check messages. My emotions are running so high even after a month, I cry and then I'm angry. I have so many triggers. I made him tell the locations of the meeting spots, one is like so close to where we live. I know I'm a mess. I told wh mother because his father dd the same. I've been here reading using the advice here to help, which it has, just feel like I'm a living zombie. I have ap phone number and have texted. I am very civil with her with great effort on my part.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2023   ·   location: United States
id 8808638

BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 9:59 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Oh Rose that must have been so traumatic for you. I am pretty sure I would have been arrested had I rolled up on that.

Right now, you need to focus on you. If you aren't seeing a therapist, I would get one. If you are having problems with anxiety or sleeping, see your primary care doctor for help. You will be able to better work though this if you are taking steps to protect and maintain your mental health.

We all know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will get through this. I can give you a glimpse of what it looks like on the other side of the betrayal. I have internalized that none of my (soon to be ex) wayward husband's choices to cheat had ANYTHING to do with me. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening. I was already enough, he just had the ability to prioritize his own impulses and desire for external validation over our marriage and family. Also, I focused so hard on the other woman at the beginning. How could he throw away our marriage for this human shaped trash bag that is inferior to me in every sense? Its because she was easy and available and scratched that itch for him. He always had the ability to murder our marriage with infidelity, the other woman was simply the murder weapon.

You don't have to make any decision to reconcile right now. The rug was pulled out from underneath you and it is going to take some time to reconcile your head and your heart. I know that there are a few couples that reconcile, but successful reconciliation is years of hard work. My initial dday was in 2017 and I am at the tail end of my divorce. We tried to reconcile, but infidelity proved to be a symptom of a much greater character issue that kept on presenting itself in different ways (irresponsible spending at our family's expense, continued betrayal, alcoholism, lying). When I finally healed, I realized what I deserved and my STBXH was willing or able to do the work to be the partner I knew I deserved.

You may ask him to give you some space as you process. I found that it was really hard for me to recognize the situation for what it was when I was in the same space as my STBXH. He was constantly in my ear, and he had already been manipulating me for so long. I really started to gain clarity when he was not with me.

You will be fine, eventually. You will be "fine" faster by taking active steps in your recovery. annb said to watch his actions. I want to second that. Cheater are full of shit. They have demonstrated they have no problem whatsoever keeping important information from you to save their own butts. You cannot believe what he says, you can only believe what he does. Believe me, it will be evident either way. If he tries to blame anything but his complete lack of character, he is not reconciliation ready. If he is anything but completely honest and transparent, he is not ready for reconciliation. If he ever criticizes you for the way you respond or continue to respond to his betrayal, he is not ready for reconciliation. He may eventually get there, but if he takes longer than it takes you to heal, you just might decide you don't want this anymore.

keep posting. Don't share this site with him, at least not yet. We can share strategy or advice, but if he is reading what we tell you, he can use that information to manipulate you. <3

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 296   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8808641

Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 10:50 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Sorry you had to join us, Rose.

However, I will be a little frank with you. I wouldn’t put so much trust in his words not to contact her or having stopped contact with her. This affair went on for 2 years; that’s plenty of time to plan workarounds, backups, alternatives, etc. to keep contact with each other in case they get caught. I wouldn’t trust a single word out of their mouths. I don’t believe the AP told her husband either. And do go forward with the probability that there may be an alternate contact method aside from the ones you are now monitoring.

I don’t mean to frighten you, but I do warn you to be cautious. Please focus on taking care of yourself first and foremost.

Good luck

[This message edited by Forks027 at 10:51 PM, Wednesday, September 20th]

posts: 534   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8808647

Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 12:44 AM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

If you have total phone access hopefully you have figured out how to monitor if and when he reinstalls and rechecks whats app. Under settings, under screen time it will show any app he’s used that day. Hopefully he wont know you know to do this. I really would consider putting a VAR in his car. You do not need to tell him you are keeping track of his actions. Alternatively you can just split. But, if you’re going to stay keep your wits about you and verify that he is out of infidelity.

And I’m so sorry for your pain.

posts: 279   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8808657

CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 3:08 AM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

Betrayal of an affair is always shocking and rocks you to your core. My first husband cheated on me with 11 women that he told me about. He would leave for a month or two or three and have his flings and then come home when the weather started getting cold.

posts: 352   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8810086

 Roseonpond (original poster new member #83832) posted at 10:15 PM on Saturday, October 7th, 2023

Thank you all for your words Its now been 7 weeks since D day. It seems I have more bad days than good days. I cry at new information when they come to me when I ask and wh doesn't think it relevant enough to volunteer. We went to our first mc last week and will be getting ic. I failed to mention that this wasn't wh first affair. It happened over 8 years and lasted one month. I found out on my own a year later.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2023   ·   location: United States
id 8810949

SerJR ( member #14993) posted at 10:32 PM on Saturday, October 7th, 2023

Hey there little sister...

To clarify - he had an affair 8 years ago and you had to deal with all this before. And now he had another one, correct?

I hate to sound callous here, but if he did this again, after seeing what it did to you the first time, then he made a conscious decision to do this, knowing full well what it would do and not being able to delude himself.

That's not good - it speaks to very destructive and selfish behaviours engrained within himself, where he doesn't care to fix anything. If your WH isn't volunteering information because he doesn't think it's relevant, it's because he doesn't think you are relevant. If your WH was truly remorseful he would be completely open and transparent, doing the work to understand why he's done this and what's lacking within him, and moving mountains to make amends to the marriage.

I know this is terribly confusing and that you're hurting, and you have every right to those feelings. I think a good first step for you is to focus on yourself and your wellbeing. Read up on the 180 (in the Healing Library FAQ and articles) to learn to how take control back over your life and to detach from a painful situation. Put some work into understanding what you need for you to stay in a relationship and feel safe with a partner, and thinking about what your boundaries are. You deserve better than what you're dealing with and you deserve your self respect.

I'm truly sorry that you're hurting. But it will get better with time and effort put into your own healing. Hang in there, stay strong, and stay smart.

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

posts: 18627   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2007   ·   location: Further North than South
id 8810951

Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 11:10 PM on Saturday, October 7th, 2023

Sending ((virtual hugs))

I am so sorry this happened to you.
Please take exquisite care of your physical emotional and spiritual health.

Many of us have walked similar roads. Sadly

I had more than one D day as well

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1476   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8810958

 Roseonpond (original poster new member #83832) posted at 1:29 AM on Sunday, October 8th, 2023

Yes I've had 2 d days with him. It took years for us to get on the right track except the first time we didn't go through any mc or ic. I now see the mistake in that regards. Both ap had mental issues and pursued him. I hate what he did!!! This time it's worse for me because he knew the pain I went through but did it again for almost 2 years. Another fact I hate is knowing they would still be meeting for car sex if I hadn't caught them. I will be getting ic soon. All this really does make me question if he really loves me. How could he do this to me again? Being here in this forum has helped me. reading everyones advice, comments and thoughts.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2023   ·   location: United States
id 8810969

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 5:03 AM on Sunday, October 8th, 2023

This was not an affair. It was sex in a car. How romantic.
Your husband likes sex with anyone who will. He has no boundaries. What he wants, he gets. Too bad it hurts you but he can’t be bothered by your pain.
I think he is likely to cheat again and has possibly done this more than twice.
Stop asking him questions. Instead, after getting tested see a lawyer. Gets your ducks lined up. Once you get over the shock the best thing you can do is take back your power. Having advice from an attorney, having your financing straight you might want to look at where you live.

My advice to anyone is to make a list of things to do then prioritize. Most important gets done first, then the next important and so on. Don’t look at the big picture. Just look at what needs to be done next.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4081   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8810982

SerJR ( member #14993) posted at 2:05 PM on Sunday, October 8th, 2023

All this really does make me question if he really loves me.

The more important question, and I want you to really think about this - do you love yourself?

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

posts: 18627   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2007   ·   location: Further North than South
id 8810991

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:22 PM on Sunday, October 8th, 2023

I am sorry for your pain and suffering.

I too had to deal with my H’s second affair. And more than 1 Dday in that affair and false reconciliation to boot. And yes he did move the OW and was planing to D me.

Where I was 10 years ago is where you are now. I was at the bottom of the hole and just trying to survive the nightmare of infidelity.

The good news is I finally decided to put myself first. I didn’t plan to R instead I made the hard choice to D. I had enough.

I then found an amazing counselor who helped me figure out what was best for me.

Then I stopped being a doormat on dday2 and decided I needed to save myself and ny kids from this nightmare.

It may not matter if it’s just sex or he loves/loved the OW or whatever they had. The point is he cheated yet again.

And that is where you are now. Deciding what is best for you. Read up on the 180. Get yourself some counseling. Stop being his wife and start looking at what you want out of life and going after it.

If your H decides to change and do the work, then good for him. But it’s still up to you to decide if HE fits your life (that new life you want to have).

Go for it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13699   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8810998

 Roseonpond (original poster new member #83832) posted at 11:04 PM on Thursday, October 12th, 2023

Recently I was able to get in contact with OWS to verify he was informed about the affair. OW confessed the night I discovered them. I had confronted OW in her car then and later through texting to get the full story. I was shocked to hear the version OW told her husband. OW said that my husband had ED and thus unable to cum. Which is why she never had to worry about birth control, not to mention her age was 46 when they started and now is 48 wasn't able to conceive due to age. That is a huge lie. He came the day I found them and has never had ED with me. They both confessed to me that bs tried to stop but ow wouldn't let him, I have it in a text message to me. OW tells her husband the opposite, OMG will the lies never stop. She started the whole thing, the sex was in her car, she picked the location. OW also told her husband that I emotionally abused bs and was controlling. Had that been the case I would have discover them a hell of a lot sooner. Bs and OW are not in contact for a fact. The story they both told me at the time matched until OWS starts emailing me. Today marks 8 weeks since D-day. and now I'm dealing with this crap.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2023   ·   location: United States
id 8811388

Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 1:16 AM on Friday, October 13th, 2023

Rose, time to put yourself first. Really evaluate what you want from this situation going forward.

Good luck

posts: 534   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8811406

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 1:48 AM on Friday, October 13th, 2023

Glad you got in touch with her BH. Of course she lied to him, they never give the full truth. What amazes me is that she thought minimizing to the point that "he didn't cum" would make it better. Now that you have set the record strait with him let her go. The blame falls 100% on your H, he violated his vows and is a serial cheater. Please take care of yourself first and demand better.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3188   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8811409

 Roseonpond (original poster new member #83832) posted at 9:37 PM on Saturday, October 14th, 2023

Thank You All for the support. I will be finding an ic soon. My bh will also be doing the same. This will not happen again and bh will be getting the help he needs. This will be a long road for us. For now we are trying to reconcile. We have gone to mc twice and it seemed to help, She is helping him realize he needs to put the work into the marriage and that it will take a long time for me to be somewhat normal. The hardest part for me is knowing the words wh said to ap, over and over. I feel the words I LOVE YOU mean nothing anymore. I don't know if I believe wh when says the words to me. WH cries with remorse, he apologizes over and over. I long for the days of no pain.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2023   ·   location: United States
id 8811710

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:40 PM on Saturday, October 14th, 2023

Interesting that their stories matched after dday, but what you were being told was false.

Thats because they have been in contact after dday,and they got that story straight. He conspired with her to further deceive you.

You keep saying she started it. She pursued him. She did this and that. No ma'am. Your husband is a serial cheater. He knew it was wrong from the very,very start. So what if she flirted first? So what if it was her car? None of that matters at all. He chose to do this. And,being a serial cheater, he knew what he was doing. This is his fault. Not hers. Absolutely she is responsible for her behavior. So is he.

He's getting the help he needs? He's a serial cheater. He did it because he wanted to. Because he could. And because he thought he wouldn't get caught.

Tears of remorse? After he knew how devastated you were 8 years ago? Reeks of regret,not remorse. Be very careful in believing this won't happen again. He's shown you he just might.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6178   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8811716
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