Okay, I'll do my best to respond to everyone.
HINHF - I think CT is right as well. There is no justice, there will never be an even score. I’d say don’t worry about forgiveness, that should be the last thing on your mind. If in time, you get there then you can. Recommend a book called "How can I forgive you " it does an in depth analysis into it, and even talks about that you don’t actually have to forgive anything.
I know it's going to take a long time to forgive. It's like trust. Will I ever blindly trust her again....never...but I know we'll start with honesty and work to monitored trust. Forgiveness, I know someday, as the wounds lessen their intensity, I'll closer to forgiveness. CT is spot on with what she's saying.
Survrus - Did your WW ever get back to where you felt she sincerely loved you or did / do you feel she never completely did?
What is her current opinion of the OM did she reach a state of indifference or hate?
What does your WW think about what she did to OMW and kids?
She actually always acted like she loved me. It's been one of the hardest aspects of this because she compartmentalized so well. I challenged her the other night about this very issue because how can I believe her that she'll never do it again, if all it takes is for her to compartmentalize the situations. The OM disgusts her, both from his actions, but also it causes her a lot of guilt and worse...shame...because she chose him over me and our family. She doesn't hate him, but she is closer to indifference. Also she's extremely shameful about what she did to the OMW and all of the kids. She doesn't take it lightly. I know this has been a disputed issue, but, as twisted as this sounds, my WW did actually build a friendship with the OMW, but my WW was truly a broken person, and is many ways still is but she's working on those issues. She has worked on herself over the last 6 years as well, but there are pieces to her that she couldn't deal with until this was out in the open.
Longsadstory52 - There isn't a single point you bring up that I haven't thought about. I'm doing my best to be patient with any decision, and just focus on me and fixing me first and laying out a path to recovery for us. If she can't maintain it, then we're done. One thing to understand is my discovery is very different that most other peoples. I literally read 90% of their text communication (which was their primary communication) because my WW screen shotted everything...(yes it's mental and we've discussed it) so I learned more than I really wanted but there's not a lot she can hide from me.
Abalone - I am sorry for what you are going through, just reading about this made me very uncomfortable.
I cannot imagine the amount of bitterness and pain this leaves in your heart. Her actions seem deliberate , malicious and show blatant disregard for you and your precious kids.
You must address this, before you even commit or even consider R.
Is it possible for you to separate temporarily, just to heal from this? There is a lot to process here and you must.
I hope you are doing ok health wise and have recovered well. I cannot imagine the stress all this has placed on you. Please be kind to yourself. Put your healing first.
Yes, I have resentments and I have addressed all of these issues with my WW. There are some perspectives I'm getting from this discussion that I haven't looked at so I'll be doing that as well. I considered a separation but chose not to do that so far (it's still and option) because I'm trying to have this not impact my children. I'm seeing if I can heal without throwing their life up in the air, and only having this affect them if I can't achieve my goal.
In regards to my health, I'm actually recovered from what I was dealing with. Short story. I was put into the hospital with Rhabdomyolysis with a creatine count of over 72,000 (that is the hospitalization I referenced during the affair), while in the hospital, they discovered I had a heart defect but wouldn't tell me what it was, it had to be discussed with a cardiologist. About a month later, and lots of stress, I found out I had a bicuspid aortic valve in severe condition and my aorta was ascended (stretched out). Yes, if I hadn't ended up in the hospital, I probably would have had a massive heart attack/aortic aneurism and be dead right now. In Jan 2020, I had my heart valve replaced with a mechanical valve and they checked my aorta, which is in acceptable condition (they don't want me doing extreme weight lifting, but other than that I get to live a normal life.) So from a health standpoint, I'm in a much better position.
Tren0R201 - Had no real future with her AP.
Had her fun
About to lose her lifestyle and everything you've worked for
Easy to be "100% committed and remorseful" and do everything right but
She was who she wanted to be and did what she wanted to do, fully aware of her actions and pursued it with gusto.
Now she gets "redemption" and keeping her life.
It's a win win really.
I wrote about this issue in my post I wrote when I first found out. This is one of my resentments. This is one of the biggest costs to the betrayed spouse who choses to reconcile. Our WS goes out, does their thing, and comes home with a massive "bill" to pay. The only way a family stays together is if the BS pays the bill. Additionally, the BS invariably has to work on themselves in this process so the WS gets an EVEN BETTER spouse than they had before the A. I'm not going to minimize what a WS who is in REAL reconciliation has to go through to fix themselves and their marriage, but it is significant, but they'd have to do that anyway because it was their own actions that brought it about, but putting the larger bill on their BS and in a weird sense, getting rewarded for it is one of the biggest issues with R.
(continuing on a new post because of length.)