Dealing with a people pleaser
Has anyone dealt with a people pleaser? My WH did IC (currently out of it due to finances) and we are 7 months post DDay, and his affair ended 1.5 years ago.
His IC strongly believes him to be a conflict avoidant personality and people pleaser. He also has difficulty finding the words to describe his feelings and does not always have the ability to convey what he is feeling.
He has definitely done some work on himself and recently had a pretty major breakdown. He said he is finally getting how deeply he injured me. He describes himself as emotionally numb during that time, acknowledges he had resentment towards me that I didn't show enough affection which was unfounded, and allowed himself to ride on the temporary high.
What is the best way to handle everyday life with him? I'm always paranoid he's "lying" to please me now and if we R, I want it to be sincere.
15 comments posted: Thursday, March 23rd, 2023
7 months out from DDay -turning point?
I am new to this forum and posting for the first time. I have been married for 10.5 years and been with my husband for 13 years total. We are both in our mid 30s with two living children and a child who was born still 7 years ago.
My husband is a man who anyone who meets him would define as a good man. He He is an introvert for the most part, quiet and polite. For the first part of our marriage things were really well. Then our baby died. I got pregnant again shortly after and things drastically changed. I was not in a good place emotionally and he did not know how to handle it. He withdrew from me to avoid my pain and anger.
In January of 2021, His married female co-worker sent him a topless photo. About 2 months later he reciprocated with his own nude photo and she sent about a dozen more until May. She was sending him about a thousand text messages a month. Mostly work related but unnecessary. She was telling him she loved him and asking him when he would leave me. In May of 2021 he and I had a big fight where I demanded to know what was going on. I felt he was distant from me and I did not like the behavior of his co-worker based on what people were telling me. For the entire summer it seemed he had very little contact with her unless necessary, but in August he had a sexual encounter with her as well as mid-september. They both state that it did not go well. My husband was barely able to get an erection and was not able to do anything and stopped it immediately. Unfortunately not long after the September encounter his co-worker announced she was pregnant. My husband states he felt he could not tell me about the affair at that point because I would very rightly assume the baby was his. I did not find out about this affair until July of 2022 after she sent me several messages where she clearly was not happy that he rejected her despite the fact that she had just had her husband's baby. Was confirmed with a paternity test. He states his reason for the affair is a little confusing for even him but the best he and his therapist have come up with was he has a very low self-esteem and felt like he was never enough for me because I seemed so sad and he simply took what was offered. He never told her he loved her. He never let her to believe he was going to leave me, and he frequently told her he was happy with me and I have text messages where he explicitly asked her to stop the behavior multiple times.
My husband has done everything I have asked of him since then and has read a few books. He appears to be very remorseful and has had help. He asks me daily if there's anything I need to talk about and has been much more forthcoming about his thoughts and feelings .I however get stuck at times because I am so ashamed of what happened to me. I live in fear that the world will find out. I am so very shy and I do not like being the center of gossip. How do I get over this fear of embarrassment? I feel like everywhere I turn people are gossiping about someone's infidelity or there are reels about how I'm stupid for thinking about staying. I am blatantly slapped in the face daily with things stating that he will just do it again, that I have no respect if I stay. I am in therapy and I do a lot of coping mechanism things but I have severely intrusive thoughts that I have had difficulty dealing with. Any advice?
7 comments posted: Tuesday, February 28th, 2023