I’m with the others who advise that your first confrontation should be from an ideal position of dignity, safety and control that is offered through the bracing service of divorce papers.
With the service of divorce papers you’ll get that shock and awe affect that will impress upon him, in no uncertain terms, that you’re not F’ing around, that you’re not to be F’ed with, that you’re not going to wait around for the Affair Fog to thin at its convenience.
Now, others will come along and say that service of divorce papers is overkill, a premature use of the nuclear option.
I would counter that an affair is a nuclear option that is far less reversible than a divorce. A divorce is completely reversible, can be paced, paused or halted anywhere during the process with a phone call. Reconciliation on the other hand, takes years of devout determination, mutual dedication, patience, hard work and, "The Right Stuff" in the form of requisite character and intellectual traits. If your WS possesses the The Right Stuff, divorce proceedings will not hinder, but rather put him, and you, on the most efficient track to reconciliation.
Divorce papers are not a nuclear option, but rather a proportional measured response.
I believe if your WS is not responsive to an impending divorce, that there’s little hope for reconciliation. If the reality of losing you-not the thought of, but the reality of losing you, doesn’t profoundly shake him, then what are you left to work with?
Divorce service also provides for a very professional, unemotional, detached, controlled confrontation rather than a dramatic unpredictable shit show. It sets the stage well for "The 180", if necessary. It puts you in a well guided, informed, prepared power position, a position of confidence, with momentum in your favor, setting you one step ahead of him, with clear expectations, on your terms.
Someone may come along and say that forcing someone to reconcile with divorce papers hanging over their head is a form of duress manipulation. You’re not forcing anyone to do anything. You’re enforcing your boundaries and marital contract. When you don’t enforce a rule, law, expectation or boundary, you’re passively condoning it and they will push that boundary, like a prescriptive easement.
A truly remorseful WS should innately understand this, respect it, even admire it. Understanding-Respect-Admiration are important aspects of enduring love.
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 3:56 AM, Wednesday, July 26th]