Sorry in advance - zero points for laughing here. Unfortunately there is no magic one liner I can think of to deal with this.
Anyone here deal with an OW who was a sister or friend? I don’t want to change my life or quit the sport that keeps me from keying her car. This was a double betrayal in my situation.
Kind of. My WH was the double betrayer. He was friends with the OBS prior to either of them knowing the AP. He and OBS started working together in around 2007 and were already friends when WH and I met later that same year. WH and I hung out with future OBS all the time. AP, unknown to anyone there previously, joined their work group in 2011. She and OBS started dating a few years later and were married about a year after. My WH was IN OBS and APs wedding, went to OBS's bachelor party, and continued to work with OBS and AP when the A started about 3 years after their marriage, throughout the A and aftermath, through AP-OBS's divorce 2 years later, and to this day. OBS works with my WH now roughly 25 hours per week in a very tight knit, cannot avoid each other, must collaborate on a day to day basis - the AP now divorced from OBS has changed to a different shift and doesn't work with either of them for more that about 30 minutes per week when one shift overlaps.
So you would be akin to the OBS in my scenario, except that due to his employment OBS is forced to see and interact with my WH on a very regular basis instead of choosing to do so (the job is highly specialized and my understanding is he did not want to give it up/move - he's one strong dude). When the whole thing blew up (my doing) at first OBS tried ignoring my WH as much as possible. Very professional at work, refused to speak to him about the A, but their social existence was of course terminated. My WH, incredulously, chose, for a time, to believe that they would "make up". Maybe this is the head space where the AP in your life lives too?
I recall telling my WH that was a pure fucking fantasy, and the quicker he stopped wanting to live in fantasy land about life, the more grounded he would feel. He really didn't get it for a long long time, that OBS wanted nothing to do with him, despite the fact that he had been fucking OBS's wife, sometimes while OBS was in the same building, for years (he even went to dinner with them as a couple when the A was ongoing). He grasps this now and understands that he should be grateful OBS didn't blow the whole thing up to management or stab him in the parking lot or whatever...but for a LONG time my WH really thought he and OBS's friendship was reconcilable. I mention this as it may be impossible for you to understand or imagine that someone could think that, as it IS a potential mindset. I think my WH was hoping for his/OBS's reconciliation to convince himself: 1) it wasn't that bad after all, and 2) I was overreacting.
In my case their work group used to be very close - socialized outside of work all the time - and after the A was exposed no one at work knew (I suspect 1 person did but they said nothing to anyone else) so my WH and OBS (and OBS-AP while they were still married) were frequently (like monthly) invited to the same events. OBS apparently decided to semi let the cat out of the bag by telling select people who invited WH to things that he did not want to attend events that WH was going to be at and to let him know if WH planned to attend brushing off direct questions about why. Eventually he just answered - and as expected, my WH stopped getting invited to things if OBS was invited. He was even told "Sorry, OBS is coming so, you know....I can't invite you. Sorry." As a result of the A - and well deserved even though MY social life suffered as a result - my WH doesn't get invited to much of anything anymore.
In your situation, who in these groups knows about the A? And does your WH attend any of these things (not that it matters IMO - as I told my WH, the consequences of his actions are likely going to be long and uncomfortable - remember this discomfort if you feel your morals being compromised about anything in the future)?
My advice, as painful (initially) as it may be is to tell the people who organize these things that you do not want to attend anything that AP is going to, to the extent possible, and to let you know if AP is going to be invited to join. In other words, let the cat out of the bag - I know in your case this will not handle the majority of the meetings - but let your friends do some of the heavy lifting for you (eg they can contact the AP and say "sorry, but because BS is invited, I don't feel comfortable having you AP, on the same call/at the same event) - I bet you will see that some of them will do the heavy lifting for you. The embarrassment of being uninvited because of the A MAY do the trick. I Know after the first time when my WH was uninvited to something due to the OBS's attendance he was pretty incensed and blindsided (again - WTF, right?) - but after that happened a few times he backed off and didn't want to attend anymore/was embarrassed of his behavior and grasped that OBS should never have to again pay for WH-AP's behavior. That it was the least he could do (and no, my WH was not very clued-in to how people felt back then but even he got it pretty quickly).
As far as telling the AP to leave you alone - this is a touchier matter, as AP stalked and harassed me for a bit but she had no genuine reason to be in contact with me. I think taking the initiative and telling AP that you have no interest in being around and to keep her distance is fine but honestly she didn't respect you before so I'm doubtful that will change.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:29 PM, Monday, July 17th]