So... a compare and contrast of grief.
I'd like to say I put a lot of thought into this, but... that would imply I think about stuff and I don't wanna think about that. There is alot I could say, but I'll try and keep it relevant.
For those bh who don't know my story, I'm a bh who went through the reconciliation process and then later lost my wife to breast cancer. Meaning I'll be talking about how the two sources of grief impact me.
How the pain compares: it doesn't really. Like apples to oranges, where the apples are poison knives and oranges are grenades of void. Er, emotionally anyways.
I can say for me, being betrayed hurt more than losing her did. Not that both weren't devastating. Looking back, I see that when I was betrayed it broke something fundamental inside me, I think. The pain of her cheating struck at the person I saw myself as. Trying to reconcile was an added layer of constant reminders on top of it. Something that kept the pain fresher than if we had separated. The metaphor of poison knives or needles filling your insides is how I'd describe the sensation. I had an almost desperate need to escape the pain.
Comparatively, the pain from her loss feels more like... absence. A silent empty absence where something should be. The pain isn't sharp and in waves, but dull and constant. It didn’t strike at who I thought I was and it doesn't leave me feeling a desperate need for an outlet. Instead it feels like an inescapable doom and a feeling of... surrendering to oblivion.
Now, I can see how if she hadn't cheated, then I might have felt that same damage to my identity on top of the pain from her loss, and I can't claim that it wouldn't be worse.
I built myself, my identity, back up with a wall around me after the cheated just in case she cheated again. One that I figured would be chipped away during reconciliation... and it was. But that emotional wall I created is a source of deep, deep regret now. If I had been willing to take it down faster, then we could have had more happier moments before she left.
Which is worse? I'd say the cheating hurt worse BUT that, though, is just considering the impact it had on *me*.
Her loss also had and still has deep impact on my kiddos. I'm dealing with acting out at school, at home on top of my own stuff. It isn't easy. I think that if I tried to add together the pain of her loss as it was spread across all of us who feel it and combkne it somehow to just one person, then it would be way, way worse.
For my numbers-oriented fellas, that's a guesstimated 50-75% of the pain of infidelity spread to everyone that loved her (+/- denial and escapism).
For my 'need a real-world scenerio' fellas, that's having a dream that you walk in on her cheating again and instead of anger and pain its sadness and waking up think 'I wish I could see ya again'.
For my shit sandwich fellas, it's a normal shit sandwich for you, or most of a shit sandwich and everyone at the table gets one too.
The emotional pain of infidelity hurt worse than the emotional pain of her death did to me, BUT the emotional pain of her death also hurt everyone she knew.
Also, uh.... where's the clocks?
[This message edited by Notthevictem at 12:31 PM, Thursday, November 9th]