Newest Member: Restlessnbroken


Why Did My Spouse Cheat? Vol. 3

This paragraph of the article went a little contrary to what I believe. Then again, if we don't open our hearts and minds to another's input, we may never get to the real truth of a matter.

Did they ever really love me?

This one is hard to answer. It all depends on how you define love. One thing is for certain, if someone betrays their mate, what they've done is not loving. However, I believe every human being is capable of loving someone, while at the same time, acting in ways that are selfish and contrary to love.

On the other hand, I believe many people have a shallow understanding of love. They get married thinking they love their mate, but in reality, they love how their mate makes them feel about themselves. If that's the case, they will continue in the relationship as long as the marriage continues to make them feel happy. But if, for whatever reason, the marriage ceases to make them feel happy, or if they find someone or something that makes them feel even happier, then it won't be long until the allure draws them elsewhere.

If that occurs, does it mean they never loved you? It's hard to know another's heart, but it is possible that their journey into the forbidden caused them to realize that their mate the life they've built together is what they really cherish. At the very least, if they are choosing to work on the relationship, I believe their betrayal and your response to it may be the very thing that begins to teach them the true meaning of love. Many times, healing after an affair involves discovering what real love looks like and feels like.

What do you think about this?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

Why Did My Spouse Cheat? Vol. 2

The author I mentioned in the original post wrote more than just that one paragraph, so I thought I would share more. I do hope everyone who reads the posts will benefit from what people say and will find healing in our conversations.

Here is the next portion of that article:

Why would they risk our happy life?

In all honesty, there is a good chance the person who's acting out isn't even thinking about risking a life of calm and serenity for trouble with a misfit partner. That's because they feel excitement over the idea of being with someone else. The compartmentalization that most addicts utilize separates the two realities in their mind. The risk is part of what brings the excitement, but the reality of losing everything they hold dear doesn't really hold any weight in the moment. At one level, they may be aware that they could lose everything, but the reality of that possibility doesn't fully register in their mind.

It's a difficult concept to explain to someone who's not an addict. It's like trying to describe light or color to a blind person. You can tell them what it's like, but unless they experience it, it's hard to believe someone could actually think this way. The person who lives like this still knows that what they're doing is wrong, but they have to make the choice to own up to it and stop doing it. What happens after the affair is an afterthought.

5 comments posted: Wednesday, February 21st, 2024

Why Did My Spouse Cheat?

Like many BS's, I wrestled with "why" my spouse cheated on me. There are many good articles out there that address this issue. I found one and it helped me understand a little more clearly. I thought I would share part of it here hoping it would provide a little understanding for those who need it.

What does the other person have that I don't?

The other person has many things that you don't, just as you have many things that they don't. You're not all that, but neither is the affair partner. Typically, people enjoy how the affair partner makes them feel. Think of it this way. Affair partners tend to serve as a vanity mirror and the mate as a magnifying mirror. This is why the affair partner seems to be the preferred commodity, even though, in the long run, it's just an illusion. The reality is that you possess 80 percent of the characteristics your mate wants while the affair partner only has 20 percent of what they want. Leaving the 80 for the 20 isn't very smart.

33 comments posted: Sunday, February 18th, 2024

** Mod Please **

Hello, Mod;

I payed for a membership and have tried to upload pictures to share. However, I do not get the "extras" bar to be able to do so.

I have sent 2 messages through "contact us", but haven't received a reply.

Could you please see if my request is "stuck" somewhere, and if so, give it a little nudge?

Thank you very much!

2 comments posted: Wednesday, August 23rd, 2023

Talking about a husband's insecurity about trusting his wife after being hurt

I watched a video where a woman is talking about a husband's insecurity about trusting his wife after being hurt:'re trying to flip that on him, and make him seem like he just woke up this morning and he was insecure. No, what you did caused that insecurity. He trusted you until you showed him you could not be trusted. And, now that he is trying to forgive you and he's trying to heal, you go do something else and think that's not going to open up the wound of what you did the last time?! You're not giving him the opportunity to fully heal from what you did before!

Look, if somebody gives you the gift of forgiveness, which is hard for a lot of us, and then you can't even respect him enough to do the work it takes to earn that trust back, you don't deserve him, Baby! You don't! He wouldn't deserve you if he was doing that to you!

I hope you come to your senses before you lose a good person.

This really resonated with me. Looking back, I realize I didn't fully heal from the first Dday when the second one hit. The counseling we received at that point was crappy, and I now think I didn't heal from the second one either, though it was decades until Dday 3 hit. Now, thanks to people here and counseling, I am healing from these terrible wounds. I suppose what this woman said about not healing fully before getting hurt again helped me make sense of it all and heal a little more.

As my WW and I move closer to D, I am thinking about what life will be afterward. Sure, I am considering dating again, but I now will come with the label of "Divorced" and I wonder if I will really be that desirable, even though it wasn't me who cheated. Then when I hear a video with a woman saying something like this, it helps me have a little value about myself. We say here the BS "is the prize" because we stayed true to our vows and even stayed a while trying to make it work out, and I believe that. I suppose sometimes it helps to hear it from another source.

Did this speak to you?

9 comments posted: Friday, May 19th, 2023

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