What did infidelity cost you?
I had lunch with a friend I have known for many many years. He has not been thru infidelity, and does not get why it still hurts me after forgiveness, and such a long time.
He asked me this question.
My answer was my dad, and I bust into tears. I never told my parents about fWW affair. I was afraid they would try and make me leave her, and I would lose my sons. As a result, I could not go to the person I needed the most. My father is still alive, and I love him. However, dropping this news on him when he is in his 80s would kill him. For context, I am one of 5 kids, and I know my dad loves me, but I also know I am his least favorite, and least like him. I chased after him my entire life, to make him proud of me.
I feel like I made a version of Sophie’s Choice. I chose my sons over my dad, and myself.
If I could talk to younger me, I would say-tell Dad. I have kept this terrible secret about my life from him, and I have lost the ability to share myself full with my dad.
I have been very successful in life. My boys are grown, and know nothing about their mother’s affair. I don’t intend on ever telling them. (Yes, I see the repeat pattern too.)
I am more financially successful than my Dad, by far. And he is proud of me, and proud of my boys. I just wish I could hear him say "Son, you went through hell. And you survived it, and you saved your two boys . I am so proud of you son."
Infidelity just sucks. I hate all of it. I hate the limited circle of people a BH can tell. I hate the fact I am a stronger person. I hate fWW gets to rarely think about this, and I get to think about it a lot. I hate that the pain never fully goes away. I hate I cannot have real intimacy with my wife (she is in shame and won’t talk about the A anymore-1 year of counseling was enough for her). In short, I hate how unfair this is, and I have to deal with all this shit for years, and it was not my choice.
I hope someone has something brilliant on this.
28 comments posted: Tuesday, September 17th, 2024
Forgiving the AP
I feel like I should forgive the AP. This is more from a religious/christian standpoint than some actual pain point.
1. I forgave fWW years ago-most important step for me.
2. I never met AP. She met him on internet, and he lives 900 miles away. I saw one picture of him (clothes on).
3. I don’t hate him anymore. I don’t feel very much towards him at all-mostly indifferent.
4. I don’t even have a clear mental image of him. I really can’t see his face in my mind anymore.
5. He feels 2 dimensional in my brain. There, but not really human. More like a concept.
6. He rarely enters my mind anymore.
7. I know in my heart I have not forgiven him. I feel like there is not enough there in my brain to latch on to forgive. Like trying to forgive the wind for blowing your papers all over the lawn.
I did spend years hating him, but today, he I don’t care about him. He is not worth the effort.
The reason I want to forgive is Christian theology commands it. And being a Christian is very important to me.
I would define forgiveness as identifying the wrong against me, acknowledging that wrong cannot ever be made right, making the decision not to ruminate on that wrong, mentally releasing the person from the wrong. (It’s a mental and emotional process). I think I am stuck on step 4.
Help or further questions welcome. (Also, if anyone wants to just flame the AP, that’s cool too, some of those are really funny).
28 comments posted: Monday, August 26th, 2024
Valentines Day (rant)
I really want to title this "Fuck you Valentines Day"
I was brought up in the late 60s and early 70s, so everyone got a valentine from everyone else in the class in elementary school. Even if you did not like them, and were not friends. We never wrote anything nasty on the cards. So fake-and that is how it starts.
In high school, I was a nerd, so I did not ever get anything and the football hero’s got their lockers decorated by the cheerleaders.
Married, I got the greatest VD cards for the first 7 years. Then a so so year 8 (beginning of EA). Then bombshell year 9 (my DDay is the day after the Super Bowl, thus it’s floating, not a fixed point in time on triggers. I got the "I hope OM doesn’t think I betrayed him" on Feb 13, 1999. In 1999 DDay and Feb 13 were two weeks apart, today, 2 days apart).
I am just too old to put up with bullshit any longer. I fucking hate VD. I hate Cupid-I hope his little ass gets frostbite. I hate the fucking cards promising undying love (every member of the club knows how that worked out).
I am not really bitter about most things in my life, but VD-yes I am bitter.
I also know how VD will go. I don’t get her cards anymore-I just can’t get the energy up to go to the store. We are going out of town, we will find a restaurant-overpriced as it’s VD. We will have sex (the bright spot of the day). And I am going to be left feeling empty-like every VD.
Ps-we are just over a year in R. I’m struggling, and not sure we are going to make it. This is compounding an already shitty time of year.
33 comments posted: Wednesday, February 14th, 2024
Seeing WS as two people
Hey guys,
A year ago, I was in a dead marriage and had been for years. Her affair was 1998. Only one I know of. I did everything wrong upon discovery in 1999. Pick me dance, marriage counseling immediately, going to the church for help-all wrong.
Then one morning, December 10, 2022, day after wife retired, she reached under the covers and it was unmistakable what she wanted. I still stunk from the gym the night before (why bother showering before bed). Sex restarted-it had been 6 months since prior sex. A true WTF moment if there ever was one.
My friends at SI said to go for it, and I did. Scared shitless. Been thru false R, so I did not want to be fooled again. I kept waiting for the ice to break underneath me at any minute, but it has not so far.
Anyway-sex is great. (Yes, I now shower at the gym). 
We are spending time together. We talk, cuddle, laugh together. It is easy. She has done many things to help build trust. She has gotten an inheritance (nice sized), and when she dies 25% goes to our sons, 75% to me (I was stunned). She said she needs to make sure I am taken care of. FWW is making a huge effort, and so am I. This may not work, and I know that, but I owe it to ME to try, and be all in.
I am in love with her again. But she is not my soulmate anymore.
My problem-the woman I fell in love with in 1989, the one who had sex with me on the first date, the one who I have never gotten over-my soulmate-is gone. I am desperately in love with her on a level that is so deep, it’s like it is imprinted on my soul. Before you guys think I romanticize this, I still have every card and letter she wrote me-so it was real.
I have grieved over this, and even wrote her a goodbye letter, like a grieving husband would write to a dead wife. It sucks big time. I am glad I had a love like that, because it was so special and wonderful. But, God, I miss her the way she was.
IC thinks I should try to merge my wife (current version) with my soulmate (original version). I have tried, without success. I see my wife as somewhat "damaged goods". It really was not the A that did her in, it was the way she treated me afterwards (I stuck it out of my two kids, not her. Then circumstances and finances kept me locked in place. Add to that a poor self image). I love her now, but I know the shit that exists inside her. I keep the original version of her locked in place in my memory , and that is unfair to my W now. The original version cannot do anything wrong, as she is frozen in my memories. She is perfect in my memory. No living woman could compete.
Hopefully, someone else sees their spouse as two people, and has somehow reconciled the two. How do I merge these two versions of my W?
26 comments posted: Wednesday, January 10th, 2024
Am I the one, or the one left?
Quick recap-FWW had year long affair in 1998. OBS finds out, and OM ends affair. My DD is 2 weeks later. Go to MC for a year-ends as I realized she loved him, and not sorry about the A, just sorry she got caught and sorry she hurt me. While the marriage survives, it survives so I can raise my kids, not some deep love between us.
Kids leave home, but I stay on. Nice home, good finances-a beautiful gilded cage-but still a cage. I am not a saint, as there were times I would see the love of my life, and think "this is it", only to be disappointed as her coldness would return.
We entered an almost sexless existence for several years, and I was starving for a woman’s love, physically and emotionally. Don’t think I was some puppy dog, I had completely given up on anything with FWW. Dead limbo.
She retired in December, and she suddenly starts making sexual moves on me. First time is WTF? Then a couple of more times. Wow-endorphins go off like crazy. I have slowly opened my self up to her. So far so good.
I asked her why now, and she said she loves me, and missed sex with me. That is an ego boost on both fronts.
A couple of times when making love I asked if I was safe. She says "you’re always safe with me baby."
This has reawakened me good and bad. Long buried feelings are back, along with long buried fears. For instance a call came in from New York-OM home state. I saw it and was suddenly panicked. She picked up her messages, and it was just spam. There has been NC for over 20 years, and I suddenly think he is back-crazy right?
I told her I am looking forward to the future, and am happier than I have been in years. Her reply was "oh, the sex". I told her that was part of it, but what I really wanted was to spend time with her, and us have adventures together.
I love the pre A wife. She is the love of my life. The A and post A wife (for the most part) is a cold bitch I would not give the time of day to. Most days since December, I have the love of my life, and I am re discovering her.
The problem? I want to be the love of her life. I am not sure i am. She does love me. She would say of course I am the love of her life-but I don’t know. Sometimes (a lot) I feel like OM is her love of her life, but since he was gone, she settled for me.
I want her to love me wholly. I want to be loved physically, but more than that, I want to be loved emotionally. I want my faults to be accepted, for her to be proud of me. I am not perfect, but I am a great person, and I deserve for someone (hopefully her) to accept and love that.
Be with me because you want to be with me, not because I am your default choice.
How do I ask that? Should I ever ask that? Have I watched too many Hallmark movies?
I have forgiven her for the A, and for loving him. I have forgiven her shitty treatment of me. This is more insecurity than holding it against her.
21 comments posted: Friday, April 14th, 2023
Confused and really scared
Ok, here is my messed up confusing life. I was a young dad with two DS at DD in early 1999. Went to see good therapist at the time. I was so immature at the time, I was pissed over the sex and missed some of the big picture. I was a workaholic and my wife was at home with a five year old a a three year old and lonely. I confused our sex with intimacy(we did not really have that much intimacy at the time). She found someone (OM-the bastard) to be intimate with and had sex with him. His wife discovered them, and my wife found out she felt more for him than he felt for her. (Ouch, that probably left a mark).
I (we) came to a compromise-not exactly reconciliation. I forgave her to the point I could, but not entirely. She would be faithful, not spend too much money, and concentrate on being a good mom. I decided it was better to stick it out for my kids, and I would leave when they did. I know I made mistakes as a husband, but I am a damn good dad-my boys mean the world to me. I looked at it as a 15 year prison sentence, and was depressed for years. My consolation was everyday I woke up, my boys were under the same roof. My hope is they saw enough of a normal marriage on the outside they are not damaged.
My time should have been up in June 2013, but I did not leave.
Now it is almost 2023-why am I still here? I have the financial resources to leave(not as great as if I stay, but still…) Kids are out of the house.
I am here because I still love the girl I married. She is the love of my life, and I will never have another like her. However, the post DD wife is not her most of the time. She is not hateful, or cruel to me, but it is not the 1989 version I fell for. For 8 years I knew a woman every way a man can know a woman, emotionally, intellectually, sexually-I had it all. I feel like DD destroyed the woman I loved, and left someone else behind.
At times, I still see her, and I hold on to her for as long as it lasts. The loss of my pre DD wife is what I am unable to forgive.
For the past couple of years, we have been basically sexless. After DD day, sex was up and down but my sex drive was always way higher than hers and I did a lot of begging. Eventually got tired of begging and just gave up, taking care of my own needs in that department by myself. I think I am a good lover (not that I have a universe to ask) so I think she just did not feel that sex was important in a relationship. She would be wrong on that one. 
Sooo… a couple of days ago, out of the blue, she wakes me up by grabbing my penis and kissing me deeply. I had not showered after the gym the night before, but she still wanted me. WOW and WTF? We made love, and it was awesome. The girl I loved was there with me for a while. It was not a fuck like she was using me (been there , done that), it was really making love, and she enjoyed it ( as did I). She was actually really nice to me all weekend, and it made me so happy.
So guys-what now? I had resigned myself to a sexless marriage with a woman who was not the love of my life-and now this.
I don’t want to let my heart go, just to get crushed again. The first time I found out she did not give a shit about me and OM was everything to her hurt so bad.
I was in a safe place( still am I guess). What if this is just temporary? If I keep my heart safe, I may scare her away, and lose my last chance to be with my wife I love. If I really dive in, I could get crushed all over again-there were false starts and stop back in 1999 and 2000-I just can’t get crushed again.
I am confused and scared as hell!!
Any advice is helpful.
25 comments posted: Tuesday, December 13th, 2022
