SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out last week that wife of 20 years was cheating. She's out of the house now. It's destroyed our family.
I know I'm not a perfect spouse but I loved her to death and still do.
I keep wondering why I said anything and how I fucked everything up by exposing it.
I can't sleep, or eat. I barely function as a human. I hold it together long enough for the kids but fall apart completely when they're not around.
All I keep thinking is how to get her back and how I can be better.
When does this pain go away? Does anybody have advice on finding the light again?
Thanks for listening.

First, I am so sorry you are here. It is a painful and difficult journey that you are on. The pain does go away, but it will take time and effort on your part.

I would recommend browsing the healing library for information on how to navigate this process.

First, focus wholly and completely on you. Eat (even if you don't want to), drink water, exercise (even if it's just taking a walk), get into therapy to help you process, and keep posting here.

You will survive this, I promise.

I keep wondering why I said anything and how I fucked everything up by exposing it.

You didn’t fuck anything up. Exposure is the best chance at stopping an affair. You were defending your marriage. Your wayward wife is the one who threw away her vows and betrayed her husband and her family.

See your doctor and tell him what’s going on. He’s heard it all before. Get tested for STD’s.

If her affair partner is married make sure his betrayed wife knows.

Near the top of this page is the "Healing Library". Under that is the "Articles". One of the articles you will see is "A Tactical Primer". Here is the link:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/tactical-primer/

I would suggest you read this a couple of times so you will begin to get an idea of the journey ahead of you.

Good luck. We are all pulling for you to get yourself out of infidelity.

Thank you everyone. I think I just needed to get everything out of my head before it exploded.
Thanks for the support. It helps knowing that there's others and there's help.
Thanks for the links and for listening.

Would you expose cancer so that you can treat it or just ignore it and pretend it’s not killing you? You had to expose- you did not really have a choice. And that is the consequence of her actions, not yours.

As you focus on yourself, try to write down what really happened. Not your romanticized view, not how you chose to view it, but the facts. I think you will discover that she does not belong on the pedestal on which you have her. When you start to see the truth, it starts to fall into place and you will get a more honest look at your history. And it will help you to take off the rose colored glasses and this will help.

In the short term, see you doctor. MANY of us had to go on anti-anxiety or anti-depressant meds for a short while to help us function. You may find meditation helpful too (I found the meditation apps helpful sometimes when sleep was elusive). IC can also be a good place to explore this and work on ways to cope as well as process everything that has happened and start envisioning a new, beautiful future.

And Time. I’m sorry to say it takes time to heal. But you WILL heal. And it happens a little at a time, like when the time changes. You don’t notice it and you don't feel and then bam!— a month or so later you realize how much more light they’re it. Trust that this will happen for you.

Hi HurtandTired,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here and in this situation. That said, welcome. There is an entire community of people here who have been through exactly what you're going through right now and we're on your team. Most would agree its easily the worst, if not one of the worst, things they've ever had to endure. I wont sugar coat it, it's going to hurt like hell for a while, but I promise, it will eventually get better.

Please take care of yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family that love you and that you can be yourself with. Make sure you remember to eat, drink water, and get sleep. Avoid alcohol and drugs right now, you're not in the right headspace. If you're having trouble sleeping (totally normal!) see your doctor about prescribing something to help. Depending on your work situation and whether you're functional or not, let your employer know that you're going through a family crisis and your performance may suffer. You'd be surprised at how much empathy and even solidarity is out there once you start to share. If you're able to do it, I really encourage you getting regular exercise. Even it's just a half hour walk once a day, exercise does so much to keep our bodies and our minds regulated and it helps to ward off depression.

Please understand that NONE OF THIS is your fault. Cheaters don't cheat because they are unsatisfied in their marriage or because their partner failed to do or say something or wasn't X,Y, Z enough. They cheat because there is something broken inside them and they are trying to fix it, or more aptly patch over it, with cheap thrills and attention from somewhere else. They do not cheat because the AP was in any way better than their BS, they choose low hanging fruit and someone with moral so low they are willing to skulk around in the sewer with them.

Stick around, read what you can - the Healing Library is a really great resource (you will be surprised at how well someone can articulate what you are feeling but don't yet have the words for yet), and continue to post.

Sorry you’re here. People here are great.

On the surface, in a similar boat to you… nearly 25 years together with WW, couple teen kids (not sure if you have any). Although we had a rough patch, the affair(s) hit me out of the blue in Dec ‘21.

A full blown, long distance 5 month EA (texting/sexting) with some random guy she met on a gaming app plus some guy she picked-up at the bar and took to her car but only made out (yeah right).

Anyway, we’re still together and working at it. She’s done some work to help repair, most obvious stuff… compete break with these people, complete NC, new phone number, access to her devices, some reading when pressed, but critically refuses to consider any kind of IC at the moment. So… I don’t know. I don’t know if it will ever be enough to be honest. But I’m too stubborn to throw in the towel on our life together just yet.

But the pain… anger… I’ve learned to keep it under control, but it still slams me hard some days and there always seems to be a ‘dull ache’ in my heart.

I’m still ‘new’ in the process, but I guess my point is, like others with much more experience/wisdom in all this, you will survive. Doesn’t feel like it. Hell, I have to reach-out to friends to shore me up and tell me I will survive when I get slammed back into the darkness.

Take care.

[This message edited by dontlookbackinanger at 6:21 PM, Monday, January 16th]

The pain has lessened with time for me. I think it is natural it hurts. People here genuinely care and have really helped me through. We were appropriately attached to a person we pledged our lives to and had a family with. We were blindsided and it takes awhile to get up when you have the wind knocked out of you.

Immediately after I left was fortunate to have nurse practitioners and others in my life who genuinely cared about me and who immediately did full std testing. (They did so without question even years later for a male friend of mine who was a victim of infidelity too.) I should have considered options for sleep but didn't.

Looking back my advice to BS is to take care of yourself and your children if you have them. Evaluate your situation carefully. The WS in my case was definitely not on team marriage and I missed valuable opportunities to protect and care for myself.

I had to focus very much on my own healing and do what I needed to do to move forward. Take amazing care of myself in terms of eating well and exercising and resting when I needed to.
I realized I had put him first for far too long.

I wish you peace and healing in this new year.

Hello. There are a lot of different strategies for healing, but some depend on circumstances. It is one thing if she is on her knees begging for another chance and another if she is now living with her boy toy.

We can probably point you in the right direction depending on where things are, and more important, what you actually want.

HT,

You wrote I keep wondering why I said anything and how I fucked everything up by exposing it.

Would you rather.....

Keep it inside having no one to speak to, having to lie to everyone that everything is ok while you are dying on the inside.

Live with this horrible secret for years or decades without letting the other spouse know what a dirt bag their WH is, not doing her the kindness of telling her what everyone knows except her.

Have OMW find out about OM cheating when he has spent their life saving on some OW, gave her a incurable STD, got some woman pregnant or gaslighted OMW into deep depression.

Not show strength and that you will take action and set yourself up for affair 2 or 3. Not show your kids that you are a standup guy and put the OM in his place.

Become a liar like your WW and OM, who the hell are they to assume you have to cover up for their crimes.

BTW suspect that people who condemn what you did are cheaters themselves and feel that their own life scheme is being threatened.

I remember early on. I can't remember which Dday it was, but I was standing at my kitchen sink talking to my sister. I was weeping, telling her that I didn't want my marriage to end, picturing myself packing the last of the cardboard boxes into the car and quietly driving off into irrelevance. I couldn't imagine a future without my W.

Well, it's been five years now, an I can't imagine my life with her. Toxic relationships can take a profound toll on us, and it is imperative that you recognize this and allow yourself the time to properly detox and detach. Have some sort of plan or system in place for when you want to reach out. Have a friend you can call as your sober house of second thought. With enough time candle the proper work, you will emerge stronger and more resolute.

Both sets of my grandparents were married for over 60 years and only death stopped the anniversaries. My parents just celebrated 62 years this fall.

I always expected that I would have a "golden" celebration. But things intruded and infidelity stopped me from thinking about anniversaries after about 30 years (we celebrated 32). I did the whole pick me dance for over a year.

I don't know when it will stop hurting for you. After the 'love of my life' decided to go her own way, I was devastated. I didn't think I would ever find anyone again. I even told my then 16 year old that I would never be happy again and would never be with anyone else and would probably die a sad old man.

But, as time went on, the extreme pain from her betrayal started to go away. After a while, I noticed that I wasn't' thinking about her - I can't recall how long that took - every minute of every day. Soon enough, I also recognized that I wasn't even thinking about her every day.

Now, I'm not sure if she comes to mind more than once a week.

It really stinks that our entire existence feels like it has been ripped away and torn to shreds. But I can assure you that you will be better. You will find new and novel ways to get to know yourself and I am certain that you will discover that you are interesting, fun and have a lot to offer.

Just take your time.

HurtandTired,

It's only been a week. It would be a miracle if you felt ready to let go already (I am immensely jealous of those people who find out their partner cheated and bam - are ready, willing, and able to be done with them immediately). The chances are that you have not seen the last of your WS. I'm sorry but buckle up - this is one heck of a roller-coaster.

I recall feeling the same way you did after D-day 1 (the first time I figured out my WH was having an affair). There is no standard amount of time for that to pass. For some (most) people distance way from the cheater helps them find clarity. For me, I needed more of a personal "kick in the teeth" from him to give me the wake up call I needed.

I think the "why did I screw this up by outing him" thoughts ended about when I found out that after I discovered the A, he claimed that the A was over but continued to lie to me every single day for the next year, as the A was still ongoing and he just took it underground. So while my WH was still "around" he really wasn't around at all. The fact that it sounds like your WS left you after you outed her A, is really no different than my WH's behavior except you do not have to live with the daily lies as I unwittingly did for a year - my WH was gone in all but body from the moment he started his A. He thought he was in love with the AP but did not leave because she was married to one of his (now former) best friends, so leaving was not going to be a simple task.

For some people making lists of all the bad things your WS did during their A and after discovery, focusing on the most negative things, helps them move past the longing for their wayward partner...but, again you are at week ONE. There is a lot of great info in the healing library - start with that, and keep posting. Read about the pick me dance...I've yet to see anyone that has worked for. Most of us on here that did the pick me dance regret ever having done so - I am no different.

You have not mentioned where your WS went (you said "she's out of the house now") - was that her doing or yours?

Get counseling, it really helps. Your wife made a choice, she chose to cheat and destroy a family. That is hard to accept.

Take advantage of the good reads in the Healing Library.

Oh man, this is the worst time.

Good news: you will get through this, and you will stop hurting.

Bad news: it is going to take a while.

You love her, even now, and she has ripped your heart out and thrown it in a blender.

I echo everyone about self care. And get some sleep-this is what BS get stolen from us, and it leads to exhaustion and bad decisions. Talk to the MD about something to help you sleep. Tell doc about the affair-and it’s ok to cry like a baby in their office (I did). Doc needs to know this is a shock you have suffered to treat you properly. Doc also needs to know for STD tests.

As a person, you could not have ignored this. This would have eaten your soul, destroyed your self worth, and as a man, destroyed your confidence in bed.

Your shit sandwich is you have to do so many things to do at once, it feels overwhelming.

STD Tests-I know this is humiliating after 20 years of marriage, but you have to know what is happening in your body. Don’t skip this.

Therapy

Divorce attorney-you say she moved out- probably need to move 1/2 of joint funds to new bank account and change your direct deposit. She is under influence of AP, so protect yourself. Change passwords on your accounts. Cancel her off any of your credit card accounts. Take a sibling or trusted friend to attorney initial meeting. You are in shock, so let them take notes so you can remember what he tells you. Divorce attorney does not mean divorce, but get consult for protection.

Go ahead and cry. I know we guys are supposed to be tough, but it’s ok to cry. Cry at home( away from kids). I cried in the shower, into my pillow, and in the car. If it hits you at work, go to the bathroom and turn on the sink full blast. Wash your face. If anyone notices your face or eyes, tell them it’s just allergies and you took a COVID test( people will panic at sniffles today). Thinking of the happy times with the kids and with her can help.

Finally, you were not the perfect husband. None of us are. However, you did not bring this on-she did. SHE DID. Do not blame yourself. I know this rips you apart, and it is unfair. Don’t blame your body on this-I know it hits us guys really hard there-but for women, it’s more emotional than physical. But you will stop hurting, I promise. You will make it through a day without crying, you will make it through a day without thinking about the affair. We are all hardwired to to make it through.

Thanks everyone for the help, the resources, and the support.
Every day it's getting a little better and this place is a big reason why.

We call it the emotional roller coaster. Expect to have good days & bad days. Certain times, like antiversary of DDays, can be tough.

For me, it was at about a year to 18 months when I started to think that I'd make it. I was still having nightmares, but it wasn't until after I'd moved to my own place that the real healing started. (My XWH didn't do the work, so I went down the D path.)

It isn't anything you did or didn't do, said or didn't say. She had tons of options but made a conscious choice to betray you.

What is she doing to show she's working on herself to be a safe partner? She should be doing the heavy lifting trying to help you make the decision to stay.

If you need to see your doctor for meds to help with sleep or depression, be sure to ask. I had to take antidepressants and an anxiety med (which helped with sleep) for a while.

Hello, HurtAndTired3. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

For most folks, the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock and severe emotional and psychological trauma. As you already know, it hits deep, and it hits hard.

Your first priority is to focus on you and your recovery. That means forcing yourself to eat, even if only small, healthy meals. I lost over 30lbs in about two months after d-day (Covid helped me find it again). It seemed as if I was wasting away. The heartbreak is that crushing. As others have written, drinks lots of water, avoid alcohol and drugs, get some exercise (the endorphins help), talk to your PCP and let him know what's going on in your life (chances are, he's heard it before).

Keep in mind that none of this is your fault. Your WW is 100% responsible for her choices and actions. She might try to blame you or your marriage, but it's just bullshit excuses. Nothing you ever said or didn't say, nothing you ever did or didn't do, would have made any difference in the world. Whatever issues your WW has were there long before you ever met her. They are her issues and hers alone.

All I keep thinking is how to get her back and how I can be better.

I understand. I think in the first few weeks I felt pretty much the same way. It's pretty common. We've lost something precious and we wants it back. Thing is, what was is history and will never be again. And so we all go through the stages of grief, especially denial and bargaining. "If I'm a better spouse, the loving spouse I had will return."

I think these thoughts and feelings are simply a part of human nature. We're wired to learn from trauma in order to avoid similar traumas in the future. And while this works quite well when we, ourselves, make bad choices, it doesn't work as well when others cause the traumas.

Don't blame yourself, brother. In seven years on this site I've yet to find even one thing that every betrayed spouse has in common (aside from being betrayed). No matter the state of your marriage, back accounts, education, color, shape, religion, whatever, there is simply no justification for infidelity.

Take care of yourself, man. Focus on you and your recovery. Keep reading and posting here. This is a truly remarkable community.

Hurt and tired

See my tagline?
I genuinely believe it applies in nearly all situations.
Probably including yours.
I’m not so naïve or stupid to suggest your pain is caused by you or that your actions led her to cheating or that you can decide not to hurt. No! Far from it! But… you can decide to take actions that are more likely to take you away from the hurt. Actions that – eventually – help you heal.
I’m going to suggest some of those actions.

First: We don’t know much about your situation but here are some general "truths". Remember that in human interaction there are no absolute truths other than that we get born, we die, and in-between we pay taxes. These "truths" of mine are more like in 9 out of 10 or 99 out of 100 instances.

First one and key issue: YOU DID NOT CAUSE HER TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.
You could be the Bundy of husbands, the Hannibal Lecter of Lovers or whatever… but SHE decided to cheat. It wasn’t an accident – she DECIDED. If YOU were the cause she could have decided to demand change, or divorce. No. She DECIDED to have an affair.
That decision wasn’t taken one morning but is a build-up over time that leads to an affair. Once that starts it’s a lot easier for her to justify her behaviors by linking to your actions or lacking. In a sense it’s like when Hitler staged a false Polish border-incident to justify why he had to steamroll into that country. It’s easier to be bad if you can convince others (yourself included) you are good.

Be clear it’s a decision. If you don’t agree with that then there is no way a repeat can be prevented. She didn’t stumble into an affair. She had an affair.

Second issue: You can’t stop her from doing what she wants. If she wants to leave and have her lover… she can.
But the flip side of that is that YOU get to decide what YOU do.

Third issue: You mention exposure. No – it didn’t kill your marriage. If anything, exposure is the biggest tool EXPERIENCE shows us to end infidelity. Like I said: We don’t know much about your situation. But as a rule, a WS huffs, puffs, and threatens if exposed or if exposure is mentioned.
In 9 out of 10 cases the other person – if married – tries to save his/her marriage. More common with men than women. If your wife’s lover is a married man, she got the "I love you but maybe we should not see each other for a while". Being rejected tends to get people back to reality.
Plus… she can go about telling all her BFF’s that she had to leave you because you had BO or were boring in bed or whatever and that OM was soooooooooo greeeeeaaaaaattttt and whatever. Some of them will nod their heads and woo and awe at her. But… enough will show disdain. Enough will cause her to realize that her justifications are just that. Justifications. It sows doubt. She won’t get the clear and unanimous support she expected.
So, we here on SI 99% support exposure.
Only do it correctly. It’s not "MY WIFE IS Fing AROUND" but more
"My wife is having an affair with OM. This of course is wrecking my family and I want to ensure that everyone is making the right decision regarding our future. If you can have any impact on my wife to do right – be it end the affair or end the marriage – would be appreciated"
Or
"Yes – we are getting divorced and it’s because my wife is having an affair with OM (Always use his name)."

See? Be clear. Don’t hide. You might fear exposure wrecks your chance of saving the marriage. IMHO that’s like wondering if the defibrillator will burn your favorite shirt. If anything, exposure can SAVE your marriage, or at least ensure it ends on the correct grounds.

Fourth: If I take some of what I said above then this is what I suggest YOU do.
Realize there is something worse than losing your wife.
Don’t agree? Well… if the absolute worst outcome of this was that you divorced and that would wreck your kids, your future, your pension, your life, your happiness… why not allow her to have her lover? Why not ask her if she wants an open marriage where she can date OM and be with him overnight and all that. Maybe ask they use condoms, and she showers in-between… All – if losing her is SOOOOOOOO BAAAAD then that’s got to be less bad…
If that doesn’t appeal, then realize there is something worse than losing your wife. Namely sharing her.

That’s what she offered – at best – while cheating. You shared your wife. I suggest a monologue to her along these lines:

"Wife. I love you and envision getting old with you. However, I have realized that there is something immensely worse than losing you. In fact, I lost you the minute you decided to have an affair. What is worse is sharing you. Like toothbrushes I don’t share my wife.
You are free to be with OM. I absolve you of whatever expectations I might have to you as my wife and have ceased any actions you might expect of me as your husband. You can date OM, spend time with him, move in with him. Whatever. But not as my wife. It would be in good taste to keep him away from our home and family, but if that’s what you want to do then it reflects more on you than me.
For other than legal reasons I consider our marriage over. There is a process to deal with the legal aspects of ending marriages and that process is defined by laws and procedures and is supposed to be fair for both. I am initiating the steps to end our marriage, both emotionally, financially and legally. It takes time, there is no rush and no need for drama.
Until and unless you tell me in a truly clear vocal way and follow it up with actions, I am simply assuming you have decided to be in your affair. I however am getting out of infidelity.

The further I go along in this process the less inclined I am to turn it back. In fact – simply having decided this and letting you know has increased my sense of positivity and given me hope for my future – with or without you."

And then you go and clean the car or watch CSI or whatever. There really isn’t more to say.
Chances are she will come and say something like:
"You never talked to me, that’s why I looked elsewhere"
Or some other variation of "you" and "that’s why".
Standard stock answer: "Sorry you feel that way. If we were working on the marriage then this is one of many subjects a counselor could help us with, but seeing as how you are committed to your infidelity it’s a moot point anyway"

And then you grab an apple or a banana or whatever. You don’t enter any discussions.
She tells you she wants the house, the pension, the Ford, and the boat…
"I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to discuss details. I do however have an attorney that will guide me along as thigs go."
And have another apple.
Basically – remove the small issues that aren’t relevant right now. The only thing relevant is that she’s having an affair and she can’t return to the marriage unless she a) wants the marriage and b) ends the affair.