SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are so strong! He does not deserve you. In fact those two deserve each

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Great update. You demonstrated strength and restraint. His tears are for himself. He cries that he loves you but his actions say he loves only himself. Very good you told him exactly what you did say. Take care of you. You are on a positive path. The pain of his betrayal will fade.

Well done! You have handled yourself so well through all of this. I predict a bright future for you in Spain and that you will eventually be happy not to have your ex around to spoil it for you. He will become an unpleasant memory.

Please occasionally leave an update so we’ll know how you are doing.

Sending (((hugs))).

Scattercushion you are doing amazing.

I am so very sorry that you are going through this pain, I wish I could take it away. But you are doing all the right things. Keeping busy with friends helped me (although I didn’t realise it at the time). At the time nothing could take my pain away, but I do know now that my friends and distraction helped.

I just want you to know that I understand the pain you are going through. I have been there.

All I do know was that I was only free when I went NC. It was the hardest thing but only then was I able to see how manipulative and self centred my ex was. I had therapy too which really helped.

I know that you will feel better. I never thought I would. Never in a million years but I do now.

Be careful with your ex, he sounds a little manipulative to me. Your boundaries are strong. Keep them strong to protect yourself.

Sending you a hug. You are not alone.

Today I took a bit more control back

When he was here with me on 16th I told him he could divorce me as quick as he wanted (no fault needed anymore in UK divorces) he said it didn’t need to be done quickly. I had just had a small heart scare due to the stress of last 2 months and I said I might take a little while longer to answer any questions etc as I needed to take time out for my own health.

He hadn’t looked into divorce at all, he said things I knew were completely wrong and I just let it go. Now after 2 weeks I’m fed up with just waiting for him to divorce me. Next week he is moving across the UK to start a new business with new gf and he’s started spending our joint money like it’s water

So at 5am this morning I completed and submitted the paperwork online and applied to divorce him, I then moved half the money in our account out to a savings account. He/they can spend his own half and not mine and finally I un-friended him on FB. All done by 5.30am No tears, just sadness after.

Ironically FB was the hardest of things to do. I looked through all his photos, remembered the old good times and saved the photos I wanted. I was giving him insight into my life and that had to end.

Now I know the timescale on the divorce is probably 40 weeks. I have a 20 week cooling off period before they even process my application cooling off

I hate the fact he left, the fact he has given little thought to the divorce he so badly wants and that I’ve ended up doing the work but sitting and waiting isn’t really my style. I want it all sorted and sorted now, when my practical head goes on it won’t come off. He has offered a very very generous settlement and that is with my solicitor but I’m expecting his generosity to change very soon. I’ll be ready for a lot of discussion via my solicitor.

I am waiting for the fallout of the divorce application and the moving of the money as soon as he looks at our bank account again. Saying that he probably won’t care, it’s one less thing he has to do and he can concentrate on his shiny new life.

He took new gf to meet his mum and elderly aunt the other day. His mum told me they can’t see what he sees in her and she’s definitely not me. Bless them both for their continued love and the laugh.

2022 started with me moving to Spain waiting for us to finally be together full time in November. 2022 has ended very differently, looking back it still seems surreal I’m here and he’s with gf about to start a business in the UK. I’m off out with new friends tonight and am looking forward to it. Different.

Wishing everyone the best of everything in 2023. This site is a godsend.

Hard as it must have been for you, I definitely think you're doing the right things. If he's having to go back to work, chances are, his generosity is going to be tested. If you've got your divorce settlement before that happens, so much the better. Starting a business is hard work, and it's not always rewarding. Small businesses fail at an alarming rate. Wasn't his plan with you to retire to sunny Spain? And now, the plan with the OW is to invest his time and resources into a new venture where he'll quite likely be working his ass off with no guarantee of success.

Yeah.. I'd say his mom and grandma were right. That guy has traded down in every possible way.

CT - yes retiring to sunny Spain was our plan. His smaller pension would have been more than enough for us to live on here.

Now he/they are taking over the running of a pub. Long hours 7 days a week because his small pension now goes nowhere in the UK.
Oh well, he found a new bed, now it’s time for the hard work to keep the new fantasy alive. I’d like to say I wish him luck…. but I don’t.

I feel like I’ve taken a massive step backwards and need to just put it down so sorry for long post.

Since arriving in Spain due to no agreement between Spain and UK on driving license exchange I was only allowed to drive here for 6 months and needed to take a Spanish driving test. A theory and practical, in Spanish for the practical. I took the theory and passed in July and have been waiting for my practical test, for which there was a long wait. My 6 months ran out end Oct 22, this wasn’t going to be a problem as STBXH or "shithead" as I now prefer to call him, was going to be here in Nov and take over the driving until I passed. Obviously as he never made it here I have been relying on friends and family for 10 weeks to get anywhere. Everyone has been amazing. Finally, yesterday was my test and I passed I burst into tears and explained to my instructor this meant that I now had my freedom and independence back and this was huge for me. I never expected it to have such an effect on me. I came home and cried more, cried because I wanted to tell shithead, he was always my first text. I cried because I couldn’t tell him. I cried because I wanted to yell at him "look! I did it, in the middle of everything that’s going on inside my head I still managed to focus and do this without you, you haven’t stopped me getting on with my life. I wanted him to be as proud of me as I am of myself.

I have been trying to look after myself and have been having IC and reiki healing. Today I had a reiki session and was told by a complete stranger that she felt "betrayal" and that I was holding it all in and I needed to talk and get it all out. Again I burst into tears. I thought I was doing so well but I think I’ve just been bottling it all up and a little while ago I came to a realisation…. I HATE HIM. I hate him for what he did, how he did it, for how he has made me feel, for showing me the narcissist he really was. I never thought I had anger and hate inside me but I do and right now I want to scream at him and from the rooftops. I want to call him all the bad names under the sun, but I don’t like swearing really.

I feel like a 48 year old 17 year old crying over a boy, if that makes any sense. Just how stupid do I feel? Very, very stupid for not only starting our relationship the wrong way but for being so sucked in so quickly. For being so manipulated for 15 years I thought I had the most wonderful marriage to a man who worshipped me only to be thrown away for his gf from 35 years ago after 6 weeks of them reconnecting. Through my IC I can see that me showing my independence over here probably showed him I was changing and our relationship would be on a different footing to the one we had in the UK so it was time for him to move on to another fool he could play the hero for. He ticked just about every box in the narcissist list.

On New Year’s Eve I filed for divorce and 3 days later shithead was surprised by the divorce petition and messaged me asking if the email was a "scam"? I laughed out loud and had thought of a hundred responses but in the end just replied with "Good morning, I am divorcing you". He agreed it online and I’ve not heard from him since.

Last week shithead and AP moved across the UK to run a pub together. She has posted it all over FB and even though I unfriended him I have gone pain shopping and looked at her posts, the photo of them together and the reviews of people saying what a lovely couple they are and how everyone wishes them well in their new adventure He has gone off and reinvented himself and is living his best life as my kids would say. I hope it all crumbles around them, fast, well not too fast as I need the divorce finance agreement sorted first.

I hate him, I still miss him, I have thought about him way too much for the last 10 days. How can I do the 2nd and 3rd if I hate him? Having to prepare for my driving test kept me from going completely off the rails. I was about to type I love him but I couldn’t type it. Oh my, I don’t love him - is it progress to realise this just now in the middle of a rant?

I have typed all this crying hard, it’s taken a long time. This isn’t the person I thought I was, angry, sweary and wishing bad things on people and back to crying lots. I have decided I’m going to try and solely concentrate on myself for the rest of January. It’s my birthday the end of the month and Feb I’ll deal with shithead and our divorce again.

I’m sorry for the long garbled message, it is my scrambled brain. I’m on the down on the rollercoaster hoping for the up to come soon.

[This message edited by Scattercushion at 9:10 PM, Saturday, January 14th]

You live in sunny Spain! As soon as Spring comes you will be too busy too care.

Two people who started a new life together in the blink of an eye have the maturity of 3 years old.
My suggestion is to have the popcorn ready as their 7 day a week turns into drudgery. It will be such a show….and not in a good way.

You are doing great! Healing for infidelity is not a linear process-you have steps forward and back.

I know it doesn't feel like it now but you have a great future ahead of you. You are in beautiful Spain, have a low cost of living and a less stressful lifestyle. He on the other hand will be working seven days a week. Living and working with someone twenty-four-seven will definately make that relationship get really real fast.

I am struck by the behavior you mentioned in your previous posts of your STBX that it seems that he tries to have you cut off from people in your life (i.e. kids) so he is the main focus. It seems he is doing the same with the AP with moving away from friends, family and the consequences that go with their recent choices. Like they say "wherever you go, there you are." He is the same person just in another town.

Living his best life ... yeah, shacked up with someone he barely knows, in charge of a pub when he thought he was going to retire ... that's the best he can do, and it looks pretty difficult to me. How many days off does he get every week?

48 and 12 isn't a bad combination. I'm 78 and 21, and 48 looked and felt a lot better to me than 78.

Let me suggest, however, that you up 12 to something old enough to drive and date. Just sayin'....

I'm sorry about your pain. I believe, however, that feeling pain at this point is a sign of the best of being human. You're ending an M. You're grieving the loss of what you thought your future was a few months ago. Those are big losses, and crying is a normal way of healing. It's not the only way, but it's part of the healing path.

I think that when you are able to look back on this period, you'll see how human you were and how much processing the pain now helped you recover from being betrayed.

IMO, You're doing great. Hugs from the right people never hurt, though, and I'm sending you one, if you want one from an internet stranger - (((scattercushion)))

Cooley2here, Prettyflawed and Sisoon

Thank you for your words. I know in my head that his new life will never be as great as my new life will be. As you point out being in a new relationship, living and working together all at once will shorten any honeymoon period for them both most definitely. My heart just needs to catch up with my head.

I will continue to look at my wonderful village and appreciate the beauty of the people and places around me.

Sisoon - age updated to be more appropriate and I very much love a good hug or even just the thought of one so I accept. Thank you

Congratulations on getting your license! You should be proud of yourself.

The tears may be part of the emotional release you need. They aren't a sign of weakness - you've shown how strong you can be.

When I read about the "scam", I snorted and laughed. Almost hurt myself with the eye roll I did.

I understand about feeling stupid for being manipulated. My XWH is a diagnosed covert narc. Narcs are con artists and their actions are meant to keep you off balance and questioning reality. Also, he isn't going to change what he does. He's just changing who he is doing it to. (A meme in my FB feed yesterday.)

You're doing great!

@Scattercushion

re: "Best Life" Garbage. That term is usually used by someone convincing themselves that things are just peachy. Likewise what you see on Fakebook is the shiny facade that people WANT you to believe their life is. Don't buy into any of that nor give it any space in your head.
Stick to your January plan of 'YOU' and make it your plan for the rest of your life.
On the other side of this, you are going to be fine and wondering what you ever saw in shithead to begin with.

A couple of private messages asking how I am doing has prompted me to give an update. Thank you to the people who messaged me.

5 months on from that day and life in Spain is really good.

I am:

Going Line dancing twice a week, I’m not great at it (yet) but absolutely love it. I even bought myself some cowgirl boots. I have volunteered for a demo show in my local village end of next month. I also have a country afternoon in May that I will be taking part in.

Going to yoga twice a week - perhaps getting a bit more flexible but it’s a very relaxing 2.5 hours and one of the sessions is run by the local town hall and is free.

Going to the gym 3 times a week and "shapeshifting" as I like to call it. As much as I don’t want to get up some mornings to be there for 8am once I’m there I absolutely love it too. My day is always much better after.

Going out with friends and not feeling guilty about it.

There was me thinking I lived in a sleepy little village where nothing happened, it’s amazing what is around you when you look.

Going to IC 2/3 times a month. This has really saved me from going completely around the bend. I’ve learnt so much about myself, my past my present and now feel I am concentrating on the future.

All of these things are way out of the old scattercushion comfort zone but I’m pushing myself forwards all the time.

I’m learning that it is ok to do what I want to do and not have to put someone else’s feelings first. It’s also ok not to do something I don’t want to do too.

I would not be doing any of these things had "he" made it to Spain. I would still be going to events watching everyone dance thinking I’d like to do that but not because he didn’t want to. I’d be at home looking after him thinking he was my whole world and the only important thing. I’m finding me and it’s really great.

I have just learnt about and met my daughters boyfriend (they have been together a year!). She is also coming out to Spain to visit me in April for 5 days. This would never have happened with him here and I’m so excited about it. The relationship with my son is a work in progress and will take a very long time but I’ll keep at it.

I also had a very unexpected "afternoon" recently with a man very much younger than me. In December I couldn’t even talk to a man as the only thing in my mind was that "he" wouldn’t like it. Well I certainly wasn’t thinking that a couple of weeks ago It wasn’t anything serious but it made me feel great again, I didn’t think I’d ever feel like that again. It’s another major step forward on the road to recovery.

My friend and I are looking at ideas for starting a business together later in the year. I don’t have the luxury of early retirement now but I’m sure we will come up with something to keep us out of trouble.

I have made new friends all over the place. I’m not just befriending anyone I’m choosing people I think will enhance my life and hopefully my general nuttyness will enhance theirs.

I have reframed my thinking. Things are not scary or impossible anymore, I don’t look too far into the future. Things will be ok. Problems can be dealt with, I’m not afraid to ask for help when I need it.

I do still have times of sadness, a few tears but not the rivers from the end of last year. Filing for divorce seems to be my turnaround point. If I get melancholy I remember I’m thinking of the old him and that I don’t know the new him. I know that as I sit here looking out at the countryside he is working his ass off in a pub. He definitely would never guess I’m doing half the things I am. He can get on with it.

I found the " NC post here instead" thread and have used it recently. It’s great. I once typed a text to him just saying hi but deleted it. It felt better being able to type my feelings and hit send on the thread knowing he will never see it and I will never have to wonder if I will get a response.

I’m still in the "cooling off" stage of my divorce so nothing can be done until mid May so I’m not stressing.

I’m still reading all the posts here. They are another thing that bolster my resolve to stay NC and to know that it wasn’t me, life goes on and can be good.

To everyone going through this infidelity hell, dig deep, you can get through it all one way or another. Seek help where you feel you can and know you are not alone here.

5 months ago I was a wreck, today I am in such a better place, mentally, physically and emotionally. One day at a time suits me just fine.

Update to my title- It got real and I’m not scared

Thanks SI lovelies ❤️

[This message edited by Scattercushion at 3:47 PM, Sunday, February 26th]

Wow, Scattercushion! You are an inspiration! Thank you for the update. I’ve been wondering how you are doing. The growth you have made in this short amount of time is amazing. Well done. Please keep us posted. ❤️

Your life sounds amazing Scattercushion and I’m so happy to read this update. As our plan is very similar to yours (in a couple of years) I am still baffled that your ex has made the choices he has made. I’m 100% convinced that he is already regretting it but once he found himself part of this new narrative, showing that he made the wrong choice would be seen as failure and he’s not willing to admit that.

Well done for everything you have already achieved and know that you are living my dream life. 🙂

[This message edited by Luna10 at 2:53 PM, Monday, February 27th]

Bumped by request

so a few weeks ago I asked that this be reopened so I could post a 1 year post DDay update, but this update has a twist I wasn't expecting and I need some help.

Life is good in Spain still, I'm still loving where I am, still not been able to find a job but am now looking at starting my own little business.

I was still seeing my IC on a regular basis until she told me in the summer that she thought I didn't need to see her as often. I could book an appt, move it every month and even if I only saw her once a year, whenever I needed her she was there. I did feel a whole lot better, a very different person and had looked back on my marriage without rose glasses on. Yes I was happy in my bubble but it really wasn't a healthy bubble. The biggest update was that my daughter and I now have a whole new relationship which I am sooooooo thankful for every day. If I was still married she still wouldn't be part of my life.

I have started a new relationship with a guy who was visiting his friends, my neighbours. A dozen of us went out for a drink, we met, clicked, talked all evening, went for dinner and finally stopped talking when I told him he'd better go back down the road to his friends at 5am the next day. He lives and works in the UK and we see each other about every 6 weeks. It works well, no pressure and I still have the freedom to do my own thing, I'm still becoming a new person and loving it, he just adds a nice extra layer to it all.

1 year DDay came and I was fine until the evening, had a cry, had a shout and was then ok again. The biggest issue was ex was still stalling on sending any financial information over and I was starting court proceedings. Finally, he started the ball rolling on getting his stuff together.

Fast forward to last week and out of the blue I start getting messages, and I mean book length messages, that he is a really really dark place, is only doing what he needs to do to survive, can only see blackness and needs to talk to me, he would meet me anywhere, whenever I wanted but he had to see me. The messages worried me, regardless of what he did, if a person reaches out I can't ignore it. I contacted his best friend who confirmed he was in a bad way, ex was making one bad decision after another and his life was going the way everyone had told him it would. I didn't ask anything of the ex or his friend about what is going on in his life, it's none of my business. The only thing I could say to his friend was to look after him but I wasn't the right person for him to be confiding in, he has a girlfriend/family and friends. In turn the friend warned me the message would probably not stop.

They haven't stopped, they have been epic in length and number. He realised when he came to Spain to collect his things that he'd made a huge mistake walking away. How could he have destroyed his life, my life and how could he reverse it? God, I was so angry I had to call my IC. When I read the messages it was like he thought he was Bobby Ewing (for the older of us) and he'd just woken up in shower and it had all been a dream and all it would take was reversing. REVERSING!. all the messages were about him and what he's going through, I didn't exist in any of them, he was sorry but I was the only person who really knew him he so I was his go-to.

I have ignored all the personal things in all messages and have replied him to seek professional help, use the internet, his family and friends and the woman he "loves" to deal with his personal issues. It has been hard, my kind side wants to help but I don't know this person, I don't trust him.

Yesterday I was informed (by the family grapevine) he has left his girlfriend, left the pub they started together and is off on a road trip and heading to Spain OMG that is the very last thing I want or need. The gf is devastated and said he never got over me he got over me when he was getting on her but he says only his body left not his heart or head, jeez really!

What I need is help with dealing with him if and probably when he shows up at my house. There is zero chance of us getting back together, even if I had been abducted by aliens and wanted to, the thought of my relationship with my daughter would make sure it never happened again. If he is really in a dark place, how do I get him to understand that we are done, fullstop, nicely. How can I help him, without becoming his counsellor, to see that life for him can and will go on but he has do the hard work himself not just time travel back to us because he obviously had issues before then? I can't be outright mean, that's not me. I don't want him to know I have moved on because that too is none of his business.

Maybe he's not heading to Spain to see me, maybe he's sorting his own head out, maybe he knows there is no going back for us, maybe he doesn't want to go back, maybe he will just sort the finances out and leave me alone. Maybe.

You are allowing him too much control of your life.

Look – I understand what you have gone through is traumatic. I really get it. Been there, got the t-shirt and wore it out wiping away tears.

But I’m going to make two hard-to-do but possibly life-changing suggestions.

Number one is to go back to the posts suggesting you detach from the divorce and have an attorney/solicitor handle this. Like if he hasn’t answered the financial issues… is there a risk that you are now half-owner of a going-out-of-business pub? Get someone to handle this s@it for you – treat it like a grand Christmas present to yourself.

Second suggestion:
In all the ways he has to contact you:
If it’s e-mails then create an auto-reply rule that a) automatically files his posts in a separate folder and/or simply deletes it and sends an answer back with something like "I am automatically deleting all posts from this address. Please do not contact me". Then block him from all means of contact. If there is a financial issue -> the solicitor.

Now – you can’t control if he appears at your doorstep or not. Don’t worry too much about that. But it might be a good idea to talk to a nearby friend that if he does you can call friend over to simply be there with you.