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I saw WH today to discuss finances, yep it was a mistake in some ways but I’m trying to keep things civil and trying to sort finances in a way that doesn’t cost me a fortune on solicitors. I need to see how things sit with him too.

You have a very different version of NC than the rest of us. There's nothing about divorce that can't be done via email. So why did you meet in person? You will not heal if you insist on giving him opportunities to pick at the scars. I would filter his email to a folder where you can ignore it until you are prepared. Block him on text, voice, and social media. Start moving on with your life.
He isn't and hasn't been the person you thought he was. He hasn't been your friend for quite some time. Friends don't don't betray their friends the way he did. Stop treating him like he still cares. He doesn't. Maybe never really did. He was wearing a mask all along. Surely you see that now.

After reading your last post I think there are some lessons for you in your last contact with him. I'm NOT advocating for meeting him in person anymore, BUT you can learn from it - about him and about you.

You are still touring the loss of your relationship with him and the fantasy of who you made him out to be. That's expected - this is all very fresh. It hurts, and it's going to, likely for awhile. if there was some slice of hopium in your meeting with him - that he would see you and change his mind - I get that too. I said in a recent post that I am amazed/impressed with people who can go no contact and push down or lose any hope regarding a WS so quickly. Don't be too hard on yourself.

That being said, he has, without question, shown you who he is. Who he really is. You can't change him. You can only change you.

The info you included that appeared trivial is the one that tells you who he really is. Smoking. It means that he has lied to you every day by commission or omission. It tells you that this is how he lives his life. Once the "honeymoon" is over between them he will revert right back to that sneaky person. In fact he is probably already lying to her.
I know you are grieving right now but remember you have integrity and he doesn’t. That will steer your craft through these difficult waters to the calm shore in your future. Who knows where he will be.

Thank you everyone.

Reading back on my post yesterday it just sounds so pathetic and needy. Yep because I miss him, or rather the imaginary husband I had, my boundaries were just not there and he played me again and I let him. Emotions, they really screw with your head…

I sat for a while after we met just stunned at his smoking reply. It really was the smack around the face I needed to see him for being him. It also made me realise that I don’t want to see him again. I’ve started the blocking and will continue it today.

Email communication about money matters will be much easier.

He told me WE don’t need to rush to get things sorted but I DO, I’m all played out, I don’t know this man and really don’t want to.

I have a head to straighten out and a new life to get on with. Roll on Monday when I go home

Turns out he was angry, angry that I had told one of his friends, angry that I had told one of his work colleagues and this subsequently meant not as many people turned up to his retirement party as expected and he only got 1 card and not as many gifts as he was expecting. He said he always kept his work and home life separate so I upset his night.

Where did he retire from?? Kindergarten?? Seriously, I'd expect more grown up behavior from a child.

Didn't get as many presents as he expected. SMDH. Somebody give him a piece of candy before he has a meltdown.

He told me WE don’t need to rush to get things sorted but I DO, I’m all played out, I don’t know this man and really don’t want to.

Ok, my ex acted very similar to yours once he knew I was done and he responded the same way yours has. I know you don’t want to get bogged down in legal but be prepared to face a mule who won’t budge because he "doesn’t want to rush things". You need to have a solid plan in place for when he deliberately drags this out. Time gives him opportunities to squirrel money, move assets into her name, buy things in her name and defacto rights kick in at six weeks. You’re the one that has to start the ball rolling, keep on top of the calendar and work with lawyer to protect yourself now. The pound is so weak atm so god only knows how much that holiday, which was paid for by martial funds (stops after divorce not at separation), cost you. Protect protect protect.

You’ve been very cordial towards him so far, more so than a few of us would have been in your shoes but it’s time to compartmentalise, grieve the ending of the marriage but keep the divorce factual and efficient and to your timeline. It’s obvious from what you wrote that he is flashing cash he doesn’t have on his new bird and draining his accounts, there is no way he wants to face OW and tell her "sorry sparkle-tits, I can’t spoil you this week because I need to help the ex out with spending money on the divorce", it’s not going to happen plus you don’t know what she thinks she is now entitled too.

You have it in you to do this, you’re starting to step back and see the man now, not who he was. He will most likely push, manipulate, guilt-trip, straight up refuse to "rush this", you will not be able to change his mind if he gets stubborn over this. So have a legal plan ready to push back.

You’re not going to reason with him if this is what he wants, a slow process, cut the snake off at the head time. If you give him fuel "but I need this so I can get what I want" (which is living in Spain) he will burn that dream down to get what he wants, so don’t even tell him your reasons, legally he doesn’t have to know your whys.

Very happy to read you have a ex pat support group. One of my best mates, a New Zealander, moved to a village near Madrid after his xWW left him and he adores Spain now. Was scary at first but once he adapted, learnt the speed of his village, learnt some basic Spanish (is fluent now) it was the best change for his new life. Giant hugs, this new chapter will work.

Unsure if you’re a reader but there are some great empowering books out there about leaving your cheater behind and gaining a life. Not for the R crew but they personally helped me reinforce myself and am very thankful I read it so early on in my separation.

Best of luck!

Edit: if you’re not doing it already, time to try out the grey rock method for the times you have to interact with him now.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 11:44 AM, Friday, October 28th]

I always have doubts about "do-it-yourself" divorce.
This doubt does not equate to doing as difficult a divorce as possible where you try to go after everything and spend a fortune in court and legal costs.
An attorney friend of mine once told me that about 80% of divorce-cost tends to be in time educating the client what is realistic and then arguing with the other party over unrealistic claims. If both parties come to the table with understanding the legal aspect isn’t that complicated nor expensive. This is actually the basis the mediator-method of divorce is built on.

What an attorney can do however is ensure all the dots are placed correctly and all the t’s are there. The attorney makes sure that the credit-card taken originally out on the joint account is truly now in ex husbands name, and that any outstanding debt is paid and/or can not get back to you. They make certain the deal is done, and done in as prompt a manner as possible.

As an added bonus: They manage the communications between parties.

You are separating a marriage with a person living in another country. There are issues like pension, savings, houses… Plus the meetings about the issues – what should be pure business meetings – are so emotionally charged. Plus you have separate pace for this process…
Talk to an attorney. Get this done by a pro.
It is what it is.

Yes please be careful now.

He knows you have feelings, he knows he can still push you to get what he wants ( hugs, other stuff ) watch out you don't get taken advantage of financially.

Why do you wish them the best? They are two lying users. They will get what they sow. More lies and toxic behavior. We can wish that they grow and change...OK that's a start. I don't wish for their continuance into darkness. Woo hoo..fun times...sex and lies and control and manipulation.

I'm sorry you are hurting but so happy you are free.

I was with a controller. Yes and adored him too. Happy in a prison while my dreams faded away. Miserable alone. Yes, that's what it does to you.

Ha! Petting you and hugs and holding your hand while you fall apart then cries for himself then runs for sex and ego boosting. Some winner he is. You're going to see him clearly more and more. Just wait. Watch videos on narcissism.

You will sit there and agree with everything.

The anger over being revealed at work. How dare you expose his truth? You are supposed to be in the dark. Fed the scraps. Doing the work to keep everything going. Feeding him love and attention.

This latest thing won't last. He'll soon tire of her. This is the love bombing phase. Feels so good. Then comes the training, then the abuse, then the abandonment.

Now you're free! Free to heal from this nightmare. Free from lies.

This could have gone on and on. Maybe you try harder and harder as I did....in the end he would always leave.

Don't let his fine words and false caring keep you in the prison. Your love is for someone who really loves you. Not some master manipulator in a mask.

Your job is to heal and not get conned by another liar in a mask saying things you want to hear.

There was no future with him. He lied to you throughout.

I know you love and are grieving.

You probably gave and gave to this relationship.

I couldn't find any anger when my ws wanted to go. I was just devastated and full of sorrow. Like if someone said that now they own my house and all my things and to get out. That's how it feels.

People said put your boots on and let him have it but I was used to being kind and caring. I only had boots for animal abusers.

If you don't feel anger, you don't.

I agree with Bigger. Get a professional to handle your divorce. That's not about love or hate, it's about having a future to build on. You deserve that.

Today was a difficult day. Today was the day I was due to go to the UK to collect STBXH and we would come home together forever. The day he told me he would stop seeing AP after a 6 week cake eating wait. It’s been an awful 6 weeks since that first discussion but I’m through it and I’m glad that I didn’t leave it until today to find out he was never coming home with me again.

I’m back home now from my UK trip and it just feels so right to be here. The house felt slightly different when I walked in but I went around each room saying "this is my home" and it made me feel better.

I’ve started to sleep better the last 2 nights (without any tablets), I moved from being on the edge of the bed to the middle and I don’t hug the spare pillow and tell him goodnight, I love you anymore. Small steps of acceptance for me. I am out walking with friends again and am looking forward to seeing more friends this weekend.

Mornings I find are the hardest time of the day, I’m still awake about 6.30am but the rural bit of Spain I’m in doesn’t get going until about 10am. The radio has started going on and I’m singing to take my mind off things. Some mornings are better than others but I’ll get there, it’s all about finding my new routines and what makes me feel happy.

I have contacted a solicitor about advice on financials and not provided STBXH with the spreadsheet he wants me to put together for him and there has been no contact.

I want to thank everyone again for the replies. They are hard to read sometimes but I re read them many times over the days. They sink in, in different ways, each time I read them and I appreciate them so much. So many things make so much more sense now

I hope one day I can give back some of the support I have received.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better. No doubt it's going to be tough going for a long while, but I have every confidence that you'll get there. Getting out with friends is such a good sign. It's so easy for people to turn inward and self-isolate at this stage, so you're doing great!

Don't get complacent on your self-care. It's so important to take really excellent care of your body when you're dealing with this kind of stress. Remember that you ARE going to be okay.

((hugs))

I love that you christened each room of YOUR house. Hang in there ... you've been through a lot in a short time, but you've handled it like a champ. I know that doesn't mean it's been/will be easy, of course.

Please tell us about Spain if you have time. I'm glad you are out walking in Nature.

It’s now 3 months since he told me about AP and I’m looking back at how things/ I have changed and how some things haven’t.

I am now NC. I am sending all financial correspondence by email. There have been a couple of WhatsApp messages about our bank account from him I have replied a yes or no to but that has been it. He has added a how are you? did your mum arrive safely? I’ve ignored these bits. I’m not telling him anything anymore.

He has told me in an email that "because of what he did, he will now how to work in the Uk and not retire" again it’s another dose of him doing the woe is me act, it’s still about feeling sorry for him. I ignored it and didn’t respond although I was shouting at the iPad "well that was your choice, idiot"

I am still learning about him/his previous behaviours from friends and was told this week that he is buying into a business (with AP) and they are relocating across England. When he was asked about our separation and finances his reply was "she can have everything in Spain, except me". Well I have news for him, I wouldn’t want or have him in Spain with me. He can go off, play happy families, try and rediscover his youth and no doubt reinvent himself. I will stay here rebuilding myself and live a great life.

I went back to the UK for 3 weeks this time as a holiday. I saw lots of friends and family and reconnected with my 2 adult children. I got some home truths from them about their feelings towards him while they were growing up. Again it was a learning experience and it helped me with accepting some really poor choices I made during my marriage. I put him first and ultimately he drove them out of our family home. They will never forgive me for that but hopefully we can build a new relationship going forwards. I am also rebuilding my relationship with my mum, again I allowed a wedge to be put between us but we have talked a lot and things are good again.

I am still really sad, the tears still often come and I have flashes of anger but still not much. I’m fearful for the future but at the same time know it will be ok. I am reading some self help books and books and trying to live in the now. I still think of him every day but it is getting a bit less and is easier to deal with. My eating is better although my sleeping is still terrible some nights.

Spain is so beautiful, I am surrounded by hills, the views from my home are amazing and I am thankful for them and everything else I have every day. I am getting more independent and I’ve done some jobs around home that I had asked him to do but he never did. Each time I finish one I give myself a pat on the back. It still feels like the right place to be.

The other day after being out walking I stopped at a bar for a drink and a fellow Brit asked me to join him. We talked for a while but I had to leave as I felt so uncomfortable, not because of him but because all I could think was stbxh would have been angry and not wanted me to be talking to a strange man on my own. The realisation of this thought made me so upset but also made me think that now I don’t have to worry about things like that. I’m a lovely person and who wouldn’t want to talk to me! No one has the right to tell me who I can and can’t talk to anymore.

Stbxh is coming to Spain on 16th Dec to collect some of his belongings. I’m finding all his stuff and have put it in the spare bedroom. He is flying in and out the same day so he won’t be here for more than a couple of hours packing I’m guessing. I’m apprehensive about it but not mentally as devastated as I was a while ago. I will be polite but indifferent and won’t engage in any general conversation, which I’m sure he will try.

I am considering work options but won’t look into anything until next year. I need a little bit of time just to be quiet, without builders or my mum here. I have tried to keep myself so busy but I’m now so tired I just need a brief rest.

Final last positive change of mindset. Lots of his family and my friends had invited me to the UK for Xmas, they didn’t want me to be alone. I was all prepared to be alone in Spain and miserable and hiding from the world. I could eat, cry or watch shit on tv for the day without anyone seeing but I’ve just accepted an invite from a friend here to spend the day with her family and another couple of friends. I know I will have a lovely, very enjoyable day with people who genuinely care about me and I don’t need to be home alone or miserable.

2022 was definitely not the year it was planned to be. In January we left the UK for a new life here and in December it’s just me planning MY new life and I’ll make it great, one day at a time

Nice update, and your growth is astounding. You’ve come a long way.
Keep up the good work, allows the feelings to be, and be very proud of yourself.

That is a great update. I’ve been following your story quietly, perhaps because to some extent I found it triggering, we have the same plan as you did (I’m also from the UK) except our plan is to move to France rather than Spain. We bought our place in France in 2018, a year from dday.

You story has been a reminder for me that things are outside of our control and seeing that WH already cheated (but we’re reconciling) he could do it again and blow away all those plans.

He has told me in an email that "because of what he did, he will now how to work in the Uk and not retire"

Is beyond me why any sane person getting to the point of their lives where they can stop working and live comfortably in a gorgeous place such as Spain would sacrifice that for luuurve. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in love and I believe you should only remain in a marriage that is based on mutual respect, love and friendship but to actually blow your life for teenage luuurve with a stranger, emotions which will disappear once true life hits you in the face, that is just plain stupid.

I want to congratulate you for not giving up on your dreams. You shouldn’t. Let him face the consequences but you should definitely hold onto that little piece of paradise and make it your own.

Go read your posts again about how you have been discovering things about your soon-to-be-ex.
Then really consider if you should try to finish this divorce by yourself, or if there is any reason whatsoever to not get this over with ASAP.
I’m not going to pretend to understand UK divorce, or if you need to file in Spain or whatever. But if he’s already grumbling about having to work and not getting a pension or whatever then you want to get some papers signed BEFORE he starts thinking he’s entitled to anything that might be yours.

And have your solicitor handle this. You send the spreadsheet to the solicitor who then sends it to you. Might cost you a few extra hours of legal work, but will repay you in nights of good sleep and a calm mind.

When he arrives – have a friend over in the house with you. That friend is aware of what’s happening and basically the role of the friend is to keep things safe and under control.

Luna10 - I have the utmost respect for anyone trying R. It is hard and I hope you are successful in whatever the outcome may be. I hope you get your dream too. I certainly won’t give up mine because of him and his idiot choices. I’m looking out the window and it’s just started raining but it’s 15 degrees not minus figures you have in the UK at the mo. I know where I would rather be!

Bigger - I am currently being advised by a solicitor.

I have asked my neighbours to be here on 16th and initially they said yes but now they have said they are so disgusted with him they don’t want to see him at all but are at the end of the phone if I need them to come in. I think it’s because Mr neighbour would probably punch stbxh as soon as he sees him. I’ll see if anyone else I know is free.

What I didn’t say in my earlier post was that this site has been a lifeline for me over the 3 months. I catch up every couple of days. I hate that so many people are going through this. I take advice meant for others and I get strength from all sorts of posts across all the forums.

Thank you, everyone.

[This message edited by Scattercushion at 2:17 PM, Friday, December 9th]

When he was asked about our separation and finances his reply was "she can have everything in Spain, except me".

Stbxh is coming to Spain on 16th Dec to collect some of his belongings. I’m finding all his stuff and have put it in the spare bedroom.

I guess he didn't mean everything, huh? I think I would put his stuff in large black plastic trash bags and set them by the door. When he arrives, point to them and walk out of the room.

Yesterday stbxh flew in for 4 hours to collect his things.

I made sure the front gate was locked so he couldn’t just walk up to the front door, he had to ring the bell and wait for me to let him in. He started by saying "oh, you got the gate fixed" and I just replied yep. I couldn’t even look him in the face initially.

I was polite but very cold. From the moment he walked in he had tears in his eyes. He saw a few bits of work I had done around the place and tried to engage in conversation which I cut dead. I showed him where all his stuff was and left him to it.

He kept crying and in the end I asked why the tears. I got the same old love you, I’m sorry, never meant to hurt you, want to be there for you rehash again. I calmly told him a few truths about his behaviour and how he was talking a load of rubbish and I don’t want to hear from him. If I did then I would putting across it’s ok to move your wife to a new country, lie cheat disrespect and shit all over her and then dump her by text. You don’t do that to someone you love.

He tried the hugging thing again and I blocked his arms and told him absolutely no way. I asked him to leave and shut the door on him.

My friend then picked me up and took me out for a drink and back to hers.

A couple of hours after he left I received a message from him saying

Scattercushion I’m so sorry for all the heartache I’ve caused you.

I know you will be ok and I’ll keep thinking that for you.

The one thing I never said was thank you for just being you and everything you did and all we did together.

You are truly amazing and I don’t deserve the happiness we had.

I love you scattercushion with a crying emoji.

Then I sobbed for 10 minutes on my friend but was calm after that. I didn’t send a response.

I got home and actually slept pretty well for the first time in ages.

I went out for breakfast today with friends and then went on a 2 hour walk with the friend from last night and her dog. I’ve kept myself busy and feel ok. I have noticed my shoulders feel like they have dropped and are not so tense anymore.

That’s one hurdle dealt with. I can now concentrate on me more, catching up with sleep, relaxation, finding new hobbies, making new friends and exploring the lovely area around me before I put my thinking head back on with regards to my future employment.

I got through the day relatively well I thought.

[This message edited by Scattercushion at 11:38 PM, Saturday, December 17th]