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I’ve had NC from WS since he told me Tuesday he was choosing her and their 8 weeks over me and our 15 years. Tuesdays messages were all about how he was feeling, devastated he was hurting me, confused, worried for me. I ignored them.

I fly to the UK Monday to see him. I need to hear everything once, not just that he fell in love and doesn’t understand why. I know I’m tormenting myself by doing it.

I’ve started to tell more friends about his affair and that he has left me, everyone is completely shocked, telling me that if ever there was a couple this wouldn’t happen to it was us.

In my head I’m being strong. I’ve not messaged him on a stupid pretence. I’ve taken my wedding off, I’m moving all his clothes out of our wardrobe today. Things of his lying around the house are being put away but yesterday was awful.

I woke up yesterday with their "secret " song going around in my head and I couldn’t stop it. The tears came and oh boy they didn’t stop. When I finally calmed down and went out I put the car through a car wash but forgot to press the button to turn the engine off and the wipers were still on. I had a blind panic but luckily the lady behind me was English too and she got the wash stopped and I sorted things out. She looked at me and asked "are you having a bad day" and I burst into tears on her. She was so kind to me, god she must have thought what a lunatic!

The thing is I know that what he did was wrong and that I deserve a whole heap more respect than he has shown me and our marriage. Why didn’t he stop and back away when he his feelings started to change towards her at the beginning, god it wasn’t that long ago! Why did he come to Spain and torture me by telling me everything and say at the same time he wanted nothing to change between us BUT I love him and still can’t see my "new" life here without him. I don’t want him not in my life. If he was to say on Monday he’s sorry, remorseful, wants to work on himself and us I know I’d say yes please. Id be willing to give it a try even though right now I don’t know if I could ever forget how cruel he’s been or if I could ever fully trust him again but I’d still say yes please. Does that make me pathetic or just human?

This is where i am scared. Telling his mum on Tuesday face to face feels like putting the final nail in the coffin (although I’m not sure he will actually come with me to see her). He’s currently living with AP having no contact with his friends or family and not going to work. He’s in hiding, which is typical him to bury his head in the sand. His best friend has told him again he is making a huge mistake. Once the news goes round the family (they are all very close) will he feel isolated and feel he can’t realise /rectify his error. Will I have backed him into a corner?

He’s blocked me on FB but liked a post I wrote about some work being finished on our home.

I don’t believe he will change his mind on her so I’m trying to build walls to protect myself but at the same time hoping things will be different. Reading this post back I see how confused I am, how I read it and think "this woman needs to wake up" he’s not coming back.

In one of his messages he said he loved our life together and that moving to Spain was a dream and that giving it and me up is the most difficult thing he has ever done but shows how he feels (towards her) to do it. I want to shout "doesn’t seem like it was very difficult" and "don’t give it up then", what a contradiction.

I’m such a mess. I hate feeling like this.

The tragedy of this is that in a couple of years their relationship is going to be mundane. No relationship can hold onto the thrill, the ecstasy, forever. In the mean time you will have moved on enjoying your new life in Spain.

There is a pastor in the US who addressed this. He said when people walk away from you let them go. They have given up the right to one tear from you. This is the hardest thing you will face…rejection by a loved one. You need heavy boots to walk through it but you can.

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain.

I don’t want him not in my life. If he was to say on Monday he’s sorry, remorseful, wants to work on himself and us I know I’d say yes please. Id be willing to give it a try even though right now I don’t know if I could ever forget how cruel he’s been or if I could ever fully trust him again but I’d still say yes please. Does that make me pathetic or just human?

Even though WS's make us feel contrary, the reality is that emotions we have for people are not a light-switch. While they have been spending time with someone else and building those (while removing affection for their BS), you got blind sided. Of course you still love him. You are still grieving the life you had and the life you want. The only way past difficult emotions is through them.

Telling his mum on Tuesday face to face feels like putting the final nail in the coffin (although I’m not sure he will actually come with me to see her). He’s currently living with AP having no contact with his friends or family and not going to work. He’s in hiding, which is typical him to bury his head in the sand. His best friend has told him again he is making a huge mistake. Once the news goes round the family (they are all very close) will he feel isolated and feel he can’t realise /rectify his error. Will I have backed him into a corner?

Why are you telling his mother about your divorce? That relationship is now his to navigate. The same with his friends and family. You know he's conflict avoidant. The more conflict out there (with friends and family), the more he will avoid it. As hard as it is, you need to focus on you. You don't need to go to England for "one last meeting." You don't need to tell his mother. None of that. Instead, start meeting with a divorce attorney, make lists of things you want in the divorce, and start your life apart. If he comes back and you want to then, you can always work on reconciliation and stop the proceedings. However, no one is worth putting your life on hold for.

And yes, the 8 weeks for 15 years... sadly many WS's love that early, honeymoon "in love with being in love" element of a relationship. Heck, my XWH told me that his AP of a whole 2 weeks was the "love of his life" (spoiler alert, she wasn't). It's amazing after all. However, like all tings, it too shall pass. But don't wait around for that to happen. You have a lot of life to live.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 4:04 PM, Saturday, October 8th]

Your emotions are normal and expected— it’s called the roller coaster for a reason.
So give yourself grace for that. I burst into tears in the grocery store at the bananas because I always had bananas in the house for him and I don’t like bananas. I was both pleased to not have to buy them and also crushed that I did not have to buy them. It takes a while for your head and heart to catch up with each other. Your trip does sound like a painful thing - but if it gets you over the last bit of hopium, then it’s worth it. There is something VERY compelling about hearing them tell you to your face that they want to be with someone else. Gutting, devastating… but also like a hard slap across the face that brings clarity.

There is no such thing as closure, and you’ll never really know the whys. I understand the pull to try to control the ending, but remember that you can only control yourself. My XWH did feel cornered— and reacted like a cornered animal would— he lashed out. So might it snap him to his senses? Maybe. Or he might double down. But he’s going to do what he’s going to do regardless.
And family is a funny thing. My XWH’s family was disgusted and appalled by what he did.. His cousins (all local to me) kept me and have nothing to with him. His sister has been polite to me, but over the years has moved out of my life. His brother will have nothing to do with either of us. My nephews and nieces on his side have kept a polite relationship - I was their aunt since they were 4 or 5 - but I am not invited to weddings. It’s a very unfortunate collateral damage from infidelity and one that we cannot control. So I’m sure his mom will be very disappointed, but blood is sometimes thicker than water. Just go in knowing that it may or may not have the outcome you are hoping for.

Good job staying NC— that takes strength. Block him on FB so he doesn’t get the privilege of knowing what is going on in your life.

Stay strong, lean on your support group, and keep working toward D, even in baby steps. As you know in your heart, you deserve much better. And you are going to be fine - you really are.

The last 2 days have been awful but I’ve got through them.

I came to the UK, returning with my friends who had come out to Spain to visit me (he didn’t know this). He looked shocked when he saw them. WS was almost in tears when I arrived. He wanted to hug me first. I said no, I could hardly look at him.

At the airport hotel we talked for over 2 hours (well I did some shouting for a while too). Considering I had cried so much the last 3 weeks there wasn’t a tear in me Monday night.

He still insisted that he was happy in our marriage until 8weeks ago. he never meant for it to happen, still loves me, WS and AP never wanted to hurt me, it just happened and he couldn’t change it.

I kept repeating the questions, where were your boundaries? what about our marriage vows? why didn’t you take a step back and fight for us/me? The rubbish excuses just kept coming. Even though I was cross with him I stayed relatively calm and detached. He cried loads I just looked at him.

Then I asked about the sex and was told it had started once he returned to the UK 3 weeks previously (when he was supposedly "choosing".). My heart smashed into a billion pieces, not because he confirmed it out loud but because it finally made everything real and over.

I told him how much I loved him and would have done anything up to that point to R but he is in love and she is his new world. He has done exactly what he wanted with no respect or concern or value for me. He went to his room next door and I heard him sobbing through the wall.

Yesterday wasn’t such a detached day. He agreed to visit his mum and we tell her together. Before hand and all the way on the 2 hour journey we talked. This was a really bad idea and tormented me. I heard so many "sorries, I never wanted to hurt you, I’ll love you forever, I want us to be friends, I want to ALWAYS be there for you and he cried loads on the train. He knew how upset I was, knew I wouldn’t be eating or sleeping and told me I had to start doing both

He held my hand and I held his hand. My warped mind told me this was going to be the last time I saw him before it became officially "over" once we told people and I wanted some physical contact, god I was going to miss him soooooo much.

He started telling his mum by saying "I’m not going to Spain, I met an old school friend and I care for her a lot so I’m staying here". His mum is 80 and didn’t get it or believe him to begin with so I interjected with " WS has been having an affair for 2 months and he’s left me". That clarified it for her.

She immediately went in to mother mode. Are you having a mid life crisis? Is it love? Is it because you were in the UK a lot on your own? She was trying to rationalise it. She was very upset saying she thought he’s making a massive mistake and it was wrong what he was doing. I left them to it and went into another room so they could talk. Another person he had blindsided and I felt really sorry for her. She has been an amazing mother in law for 15 years and I hated to see her so confused and upset.

I sat on the bedroom floor and just felt so sad. He came and and sat next to me and started talking again. More tears this time from both of us. He called me by my nickname and said "you can’t call me that, I’m not your ….. anymore". He instantly broke down sobbing, how was he going to call me anything else? I explained I had a name and he’d have a nickname for his new GF soon enough. I kept reminding him he was doing exactly what he wanted so he shouldn’t be sad. He was about to fall into his new life all happy etc.

He told me AP is getting stress from her older adult children about not giving their dad a chance at R (they had been separated 7 months) and setting up with him. I resisted the urge to smile and say oh well but it did give me a bit of pleasure hearing that his ready made family won’t be welcoming him with open arms. The 15 year old living with them is the only one that "understands" he told me. I told him I didn’t envy him setting up with a teenager again

After a while I had to ask him to leave. I needed to accept our marriage was over and both of us sat opposite each other crying wasn’t doing that. I told him I loved him, thanked him for the years we had together, some were emotionally exhausting but we had got through them together and thanks for the memories.

I wished him and his AP all the best for the future (I didn’t want to say it and right then it translated in my head to "I hope it goes very wrong for the 2 of you very quickly". ) Their love going wrong wasn’t going to bring my marriage back. That was gone forever but I’m not a person with a lot of hate in me and ultimately I just want people to be happy. Life is just too unpredictable to be wasted on hate. He came up behind me, kissed me on the top of my head (he was sobbing again) and left.

Oh my god I sobbed when the door shut. His mum held me and told me how sorry she was and he was an idiot. She had been married 50 years so had never known pain on this level but I was so glad I had someone to hold me and just let me cry. She sent me to bed to get some rest and I slept for an hour. She then spent the evening trying to get me to eat.

I’m crying typing this at 5am. It’s over, it’s done, he’s made a huge mistake but that’s all words and nothing can bring him back, not that I’d want him back. I’m mourning for what I had, the new life for us I was ready to start next month, everything I thought was so rock solid.

I will get through this. I’ve had 7 months on and off of living on my own while he was in the UK working and I actually really enjoyed it. I know I’ll have lonely moments now that I will always be on my own but I’m building a good circle of people around me in Spain. Who knows what the next chapter of my life will be. I’ll try and stay in Spain and build a new life but finances may dictate a return to the UK.

I never thought I’d be 48, living in a different country and have 2 relationships 15+ years in length and 2 divorces behind me. That wasn’t the fairytale I dreamed of but as my very dearly missed dad used to tell me " IT IS WHAT IT IS"

Next to fly off again to tell my mum tomorrow.

I’m just going to quote a very wise man:
" IT IS WHAT IT IS"

The grace you've handled this is amazing. I'll reinforce what others have already told you, that your stbx is an idiot who didn't deserve to be in your life the last 15 years. Do everyone a favor and go NC from here on out outside of the logistics of the divorce. I know it's hard to conceive of now, but you will get through this and thrive sooner then you realize.

I agree with Grubs. You have handled yourself with grace and I believe your WH will come to regret his choice, but by that time you will have made a happy life in Spain without him.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing. I’m sending hugs.

Please let us know how you are. None of us can care for crying strangers and then not care. There are so many people who disappeared that I wonder and worry about.

Sending hugs to a champ. You were perfect.

((Hugs)) Scatterbug,

Reading your posts makes it so clear to me that this guy is not worthy of you or any more of your time. Yet this is easy to see and perhaps rash to say from the outside looking in. I also know from the inside it is heartbreaking, and I am in pain for you.

I envy your Spain adventure and hope you can really enjoy it. It's my understanding that the expat communities are warm and welcoming, giving you a social group to tap into. Who needs Mr. Wayward to enjoy the Spanish sunshine? Take advantage of the location in which you find yourself. I, too, have been toying with the idea of becoming a digital nomad for a few years rather than sitting in my home town and becoming woe-be-gone. Spain is on the daydream list. It would take a giant leap of bravery for me to actually make such a move, and you, my dear, happen to already be there.

My old supervisor also had the ISWIS saying and I admired him greatly. Acceptance is a very good place to start your new life.

Suerte.

Well, he put in an award-winning performance, didn't he? You know, I'm not going to mention the online retailer, but you can actually buy one of those Oscar replica trophies pretty cheaply. Damned if I wouldn't mail him one if I were you, because wow!... tears, red-faced distress, snot-bubbled moans of regret, it was just all there wasn't it? But you know how you can tell it's not real?... because if it was, he'd have STOPPED cheating on you and begged you to take him back. This guy is simply doing what he does... monkey-branching to the next thing because it's dramatic and ego-affirming.

I feel so bad for you because I know you're hurting. You were invested. Your feelings were genuine. You are a normal person who makes connections and bonds with other people. This was NOT some romantic case of feelings on his part though where someone else just happened to come along. This is WHO HE IS. He's not that deep. He doesn't bond. His investments are shallow.

You're going to start feeling better when you really SEE his dishonesty for what it is.

((huge hugs))

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and kind words.

I’m so rubbish with technology I still can’t get the hang of the quotes bit here so I’ll say

Bigger: yes he was a wise man taken too soon and god what I wouldn’t do for 5 mins with him now more than ever

Grubs: I’m really trying the NC

Beachgirl73 and Cooley2here: thank you for the hugs, I love a hug, they are just the greatest things. I seem to be unable to write a short post at the moment so apologies to all but getting it all out on here has been so therapeutic for me.

Meg Meg: Yes the expat community is very welcoming and I’m lucky where I am there is a large one in a small village and vicinity. I will be fighting for a settlement that enables me to stay. If I have to return to work in some capacity so be it but I have no idea what im any good at or could do but there is an adventure in itself finding out. Yes I’m very lucky I’m there, I count my blessings every morning I get up and look out at my wonderful surroundings. Who needs a man to fulfil my dream, I have the opportunity to fulfil it however I like. I was brave enough to make the leap, albeit thinking WE were making it. A great book I read before moving when I was having a wobble about going was " Feel the fear and do it anyway".

CamomileTea: Yes I take onboard all your words. Perhaps I was seeing him for real Monday night. I felt so detached and just didn’t believe anything he said. His performance over the 2 days was worthy of a trophy but I didn’t lower myself to his standards. I stayed true to myself. I know I said too much and was too emotional in the time we spent together but that’s just me. As I always say I’m me, can’t be and don’t want to be anything else. I won’t pretend to be what I’m not. You take me as I am or forget it. He has chosen to forget me, I now (almost) have complete acceptance of that. I was the bloody good prize and he fucked it up, not my choice and I won’t let it define me going forwards.

No doubt I’ll be back soon as when my mother knows the truth tomorrow she will drive me demented for details I won’t want to give. She will want to fly to the UK and do unspeakable nasty things to him. You will probably hear her calling him very nasty names pretty much anywhere around the world tomorrow afternoon. I may not not have a lot of hate in me but she has it for me and half the population of the world

Thanks again everyone

I am so very sorry this happened to you. You are amazing. He is a fool and you deserve better.

I’m at mums, feeling like a heartbroken teenager again. The last 5 days have just been some of the worst so far.

When I finally arrived off the plane the first thing mum did was ask all about STBX, how was he, was I missing him etc etc. I had to keep the pretence up for another hour before we got to her house. When I finally had to say mum I’m sorry but I’m here for a reason she instantly thought I had a serious health issue. When I explained the truth she was stunned he had done it but in another way not so stunned. She was thrilled no health emergency too.

Friday was his retirement party and I decided to post on fb that our marriage was over and that he had an affair and left me. I kept it very basic and very honest and again wished them both the best. I tried to be a grown up and felt that by posting it I didn’t have to keep up a lie and could deal with everyone at once. The messages of support I have had have been amazing.

I’ve been told that most of the immediate team he worked with didn’t go to his retirement party as they had been told the situation and that his boss and one co worker just looked uncomfortable all night. I’ve also been told he kept the pretence up that he was moving to Spain when talking to anyone. Guess that was just the easiest thing to do for him and didn’t detract from him being the centre of attention all night.

It’s amazing after you let it out that you have separated all sorts of friends decide to tell you that they are pleased! That he was controlling, emotionally abusive and a narcissist and they could see he drove both members of my family and friends away from me so he could have me all to himself.

How was I so stupid not to see any of these things or did I see them and chose to ignore them as I loved him?

Over the last 5 days I’ve questioned my own sanity, my judgement, my self worth and many other things a thousand times. It doesn’t matter I know that he is the one with the problem I feel totally destroyed. My mum has had to give me anxiety and sleeping tablets and she has had to listen to me crying most of the time. She wants to take me to see her doctor. I don’t want that, I’ve not taken any tablets tonight but it is now 2.30am and I’m awake and on here. I know this is just a phase and that it will get worse before it gets better and I still know that I will be ok. The problem is I want that now, I don’t like not feeling in control of my emotions or my major life choices (due to finances) at the moment.

I hate the constant wondering what he is doing, although I know where they are having a nice family holiday with her daughter and the 2 dogs (friends digging and the power of FB). He is holidaying in an environment he always told me he would hate, with dogs he said he didn’t want and a teenager in tow.

Other things have also come to light on FB that may or may not show that things were more serious between them before he said. I have thanked my friends for their good intentions but explained this isn’t helping me so please stop telling me things. Nothing will change his choice of actions or repair us now.

One good friend reposted my FB message and added everything she thought about him, I couldn’t have said most of it any better. Tonight after 5 days he has now blocked her.

He is messaging me telling me he’s paid off the credit card, in other words "I’ve spent money on my new family", so now you know where I am and what I’m doing and the best message by far was to ask today how my mum was as he knew she was unwell. Really! I’ve ignored the messages but yes I’ve googled where he’s spent the money and tormented myself again.

His mum is messaging every day to see how I am and I’m half telling her the truth, I don’t want to hurt her feelings any more than they already are, she is 80 and frail enough already. A few of his family have reached out to say please keep in touch.

I never realised I had so many good friends that have got my back and have offered a room, help, an ear, even to fly to Spain to see me or do something if I need it. This has given me strength and I am hugely humbled. Without this and the support network here I can’t imagine what state I would be in now.

As I explained to mum earlier I am also very cross with him because people have their own lives to lead and he has now caused a lot of people to be worried about me as a consequence of his actions. My mum wants to do him serious damage, wants to message him but knows he won’t read it and wants to take all my hurt away, as all parents do. I’m lucky I have her to support me and give great mum hugs right now.

Sorry for the ramblings, just had to get it out. Now hopefully I can get some sleep.

Your rose colored glasses have been broken and you can now look at him with clear eyes. It is not a pretty sight. Next year this time I hope you have stayed on here so that we can all celebrate your new life.

Your rose colored glasses have been broken and you can now look at him with clear eyes. It is not a pretty sight. Next year this time I hope you have stayed on here so that we can all celebrate your new life.

I am curious how this makes you see your WH's first wife and family differently, given that you were the OW for whom he abruptly left them years ago. Part of your work should be unpacking your choice of this man years ago as his willing accomplice instead of his victim.

sorry to be brief, hand injury. it's better not to try and tough it out by resisting medical care. the stress to the body is real. i was very sick 4 months in, sicker than i had to be. if mom wants you to see the doctor... see the doctor. it will ease her mind and help your stress.

your friends are probably right about the social isolation. that's not unusual to see in cheaters. cheating is a narcissistic action and even though your stbx might not be a full-on narc, those traits are common. make a point to keep up with friends and social activities, it will improve your healing.

hugs

My mental health at mums went very downhill and I felt I was seriously losing the plot and having some very scary thoughts so I saw the doctor. I am now on anxiety tablets and sleeping tablets for 10 days (which has improved my 2 hours sleep to 5 hours)

I saw WH today to discuss finances, yep it was a mistake in some ways but I’m trying to keep things civil and trying to sort finances in a way that doesn’t cost me a fortune on solicitors. I need to see how things sit with him too.

Again, he was teary, kept saying how sorry he was, he couldn’t change any of it and I was cold and to the point. Until I noticed he seemed very angry in his tone.

Turns out he was angry, angry that I had told one of his friends, angry that I had told one of his work colleagues and this subsequently meant not as many people turned up to his retirement party as expected and he only got 1 card and not as many gifts as he was expecting. He said he always kept his work and home life separate so I upset his night.

He was also cross that 2 of my friends messaged him explaining exactly what they thought of him, but he really didn’t care what others thought of him.
No mention of the message from my mum or another friend where they were cool calm and calculated with no nastiness involved. It was all about him and how everyone thinks he now has an easy life but he doesn’t. He won’t be able to retire now due to finances etc. As I repeatedly pointed out, it was his choice to cheat and end or marriage without putting up any fight and these were the consequences of his actions.

I tried to be really business like but my guard slipped at the end. He asked me if he could hug me and I said no and he did it anyhow and I hugged him back. I told him I loved him, probably always would and that I hoped he was happy in his new life with AP, he was doing what he wanted so he should be happy, I also told him I hoped one day he would be able to work out what made him think it was ok to do it and ruin us and maybe one day he might tell me, or not. Not sure I really want to know but I just needed to get across that he had a problem he too needs to figure out.

The most pathetic thing I think that came out today was another lie. I always thought after we got together that he had stopped smoking (sorry smokers but I just don’t like it). It turns out he was smoking all day long at work until the pandemic and lockdown hit and he was at home with me 24/7. So for 13 years he had been lying. When I asked about why he had not told the truth about not quitting smoking he just replied "rumours" and when I pressed what that meant he replied there were things he wouldn’t discuss and this was one of them as it had no bearing, on anything.

It seems to me a trivial matter in the grand scheme of things but of course it had a bearing on something! There was again no acknowledgement of the truth, no remorse and shows me more things I didn’t know about my own husband. My view of him is getting clearer to the point I think I will stop looking.

BSR, I’m working on trying to better understand the choices I made 15 years ago and the consequences of my own actions on myself on other people. It’s messy and I’m not proud, the whole thing is fu**ed up and I’m tracking things back to childhood. I do see that I’m messed up too and was before we met. Unfortunately I do see myself as a victim. He was the first person I really felt I loved and who I thought reciprocated that love. I don’t want to believe 15 years was all a lie on his part as that is a thought I don’t want to go near right now. I just miss him terribly still. When I return home next week I’ll seek some IC.

I’m still going to fight for my new life in Spain but I know that I need to sort me out first then get on with whatever comes my way (not whoever).

It’s messy and I’m not proud, the whole thing is fu**ed up and I’m tracking things back to childhood. I do see that I’m messed up too and was before we met. Unfortunately I do see myself as a victim. He was the first person I really felt I loved and who I thought reciprocated that love. I don’t want to believe 15 years was all a lie on his part as that is a thought I don’t want to go near right now.

This is when you lean into your discomfort because if you don't, you might as well put out the welcome mat for the next disordered user who comes by. I'm sorry to be quite so succinct, but it's a matter of future pain avoidance so you don't end up back where you started, right? You're not seeing the bad guy here because the bad guy was once acceptable to you and if you see him now, it means you made an unsound investment. Here's the deal though... we all made that same unsound investment. The only difference is that you already knew the state of his character. Lean into your knowledge and allow it to change your world view on cheating. It's not about love. It's not about romance. It's not about Lifetime movies or Ally McBeal reruns. It's about entitlement, and power, and immaturity, and a host of other very ugly things.

Again, he was teary, kept saying how sorry he was, he couldn’t change any of it and I was cold and to the point. Until I noticed he seemed very angry in his tone.

Turns out he was angry, angry that I had told one of his friends, angry that I had told one of his work colleagues and this subsequently meant not as many people turned up to his retirement party as expected and he only got 1 card and not as many gifts as he was expecting. He said he always kept his work and home life separate so I upset his night.

That was his mask slipping. He is demonstrably NOT sorry for his actions. You can tell because he's done NOTHING to rectify them. He's still with the OW. If a cheater is actually sorry, his actions show it. Instead, you got an approximation of what he thinks sorry should look like and then an accidental peek at the giant narcissist behind the mask. your eyes are not deceiving you. You saw him. Believe your own testimony.

He asked me if he could hug me and I said no and he did it anyhow and I hugged him back. I told him I loved him, probably always would and that I hoped he was happy in his new life with AP, he was doing what he wanted so he should be happy, I also told him I hoped one day he would be able to work out what made him think it was ok to do it and ruin us and maybe one day he might tell me, or not. Not sure I really want to know but I just needed to get across that he had a problem he too needs to figure out.

Or... and I'm just spitballing here... you could get some BOUNDARIES and put him on NO CONTACT.

You told him "no" and he correctly ascertained that your boundary was nonexistent and received payoff like you were a kibble slot machine. When you think about it, it was poor boundaries that got you into this mess, which brings us back around to why it's so important to lean into your discomfort about what this relationship meant. The guy was power-tripping on keeping his smoking habit secret. He's a grown ass man sneaking around like a little boy because he LIKED it. There's power in denying another person agency and excitement in the risk that they might find out. OF COURSE he's going to rush your boundaries. You are an object to be circumvented and manipulated to an unreformed cheater.

I'm sorry to come off as harsh. It's not meant unkindly, but rather the opposite. I really believe that taking off any vestige of rose-colored glasses on this guy and on all that has happened will speed your recovery. There is never a good enough excuse for cheating. There wasn't back then and there isn't now. Once you've adopted that belief right down to your DNA, things start to clarify. NC is easier when you no longer see the value in your ex. Instead, you see the unrepentant cheater as a user who's too toxic to be in your life.

You're going to be okay. You've had a really costly life lesson. Absorb it. Make it work for you instead of against you.

((hugs))

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:28 PM, Thursday, October 27th]