SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your situation reminds me of the movie The Holiday. Gal finally gets her beautiful trip to a new place to get away from a manipulative user of a man. She has an opportunity to breathe, heal and grow. The self absorbed twat she was escaping decides he "can’t live without her" - even though he’s engaged to another woman- and gate crashes her holiday house let.

I’d recommend watching it, really good movie and Kate Winslet’s character arc is nothing short of inspiring.

Otherwise, no advice beyond the typical- block, block, block and only communicate through the lawyer at this point.

If he does show up at your place, I would look into whether Spain has cease and desist orders like we do here in the USA.

....how do I get him to understand that we are done, fullstop, nicely. How can I help him, without becoming his counsellor, to see that life for him can and will go on but he has do the hard work himself not just time travel back to us....

You are a kind and compassionate person, and those are your default settings. What happens when we're dealing with toxic people who know us well is that they know us intimately and are therefore able to manipulate us. That sounds more nefarious than what it is, but basically, they put themselves first and we are a means to an end.

You can't change anyone but yourself, so you're not going to be able to make him see anything, let alone that he has hard work to do in order to become a functional human. What you can do though is reexamine why being nice feels more important than enforcing your boundaries. I suspect it might have something to do with how much harder it is to act outside the natural comfort zone of our "default settings" and how hard it is to give ourselves permission to put our own needs first after dealing with a toxic individual who can't put anyone's needs above his own. All I can say to encourage you though is to remember how much progress you've made over this past year.. Maybe reread some of your earlier posts so you can really experience the value of your own hard work. You are NOT like him, and putting yourself first when it's really necessary does NOT make you selfish and toxic.

Remember that you've got a good head on your shoulders. Take care of yourself like you would a friend and you should do alright.