Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years at DDay Feb 2021

WH back in the hospital

Before DDay my WH was admitted to the hospital for a serious health condition. At the time I was feeling so concerned, in tears, anxious that I might lose him. Eleven months later, after discovering his years of betrayal, I remember thinking it would have been easier had he just died. I would have never had to know the truth, never experienced the pain infidelity. I could have been a respectable, grieving widow. I was ashamed of myself for even having such thoughts, but there it is. Instead, he got better, continued to indulge in an unhealthy lifestyle and, turns out, continued his philandering. Even that life-threatening event did not make him reevaluate his choices.

Fast forward to today, now 20 months past DDay. I'm over the head-reeling experience of discovery and into the slow burn of living with a known serial cheater. We are trying both to make recovery work. And now he's back in the hospital for a more serious version of the same health issue. Of course I am concerned for his health, but it's not the same. Part of me thinks I don't fear his passing, I fear his living, (and all signs say he will live, BTW). I signed up for sickness and health with a pure love that was reciprocated, forsaking all others, a love worth sacrificing for. Yes, I still care for him, but I did not agree be a nursemaid for the unworthy and ungrateful. How will I manage if he becomes incapacitated?

Again, I am ashamed of my thoughts. I know I'm tired and struggling to take care of home and work and go to the hospital everyday. Did I make a mistake by not leaving him on DDay? Why did I stay if I feel this way now? Mr. Cocky is an old man, flat on his back with monitors, probes and tubes going every which way and I'm wondering what he is thinking about his pretty nurses. I don't want this to be my life.

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9 comments posted: Monday, November 6th, 2023