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Namely that I was naked in his bed, he was on top of me naked, how he had put his hand in me

I'm pretty sure 90 percent of the married population would define this as sexual activity. Deep kissing is sexual. Saying you didn't have sex is kind of a distinction without a difference, as the lawyers like to say. Am I missing something?

I confessed the not-completely-true version of the 2016 and after details to our church pastor and was given some marital assistance but kept any details about 2007 and earlier unknown

Despite claiming to be high on faith, you lied, minimised to GOD ?

Did you weasle out forgiveness from your BH based on these lies for which you are now trying to hold him accountable and expect he should forget everything ?

Are you trying to communicate with your BH thru this forum ? Just curious but who pointed you to this forum.

[This message edited by btdi at 9:29 AM, November 12th (Thursday)]

I am in a very similar position. I had multiple casual encounters while we were engaged and post marriage I had one serious affair and even thought of leaving my husband. My husband knew only of some sexting with some guys while we were engaged and had confronted me but I continued the affairs with the main AP whom he thought was a good friend. I gave my husband hell during the first couple of years of our marriage as I was not in love with him then and was seriously waiting for AP to leave his wife. During the 3rd year of my marriage, I got pregnant with the AP's child, let my H believe the child was his while buying time for the AP to divorce his wife. During a planned rendezvous when my H wasn't in town, I was heading over to the AP's house when I met with a severe accident. I woke up in the hospital after 2 weeks where I was informed that I had lost the child. My H was there, in tears and that was the first time I truly felt guilt. The sight of a grown man crying broke me. However, I was selfish still and never told him the truth. Months later, he confronted me about the details of the accident, why was I in a different part of the town which clearly didn't match what I had told him about the plans for the night. I finally confessed the whole truth. It was extremely difficult and the guilt/shame is unparalleled. We are trying to pick up the pieces of the marriage now but I think I have broken him mentally. He is but a shadow of his past self and I am 100% to blame for it. Ironically, I love him now after seeing the wonderful man he is but it seems like whatever I do, it is never enough.

My H feels exactly like what Jorge described & I’m trying to show and prove otherwise. Pathtoredemption I’m very sorry for what you and your H have been thru & are going thru. It’s hard to type out the gory details & hear some of the replies because I know these people don’t know me or my heart but I know it’s for my own good to hear it from others and not just BS. Puts a different perspective on it.

[This message edited by Flowergirl50 at 1:15 PM, November 12th (Thursday)]

Your husband can’t have closure because you’re still lying.

Namely that I was naked in his bed, he was on top of me naked, how he had put his hand in me and how I told H

Call me cynical, but that doesn’t seem likely in the slightest bit. Adults don’t get naked together in bed and not have sex. Adults don’t invite someone over who have they have been sexting with and only kiss.

You’re not afraid of forgetting something; you’re afraid of him finding out the whole truth.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:35 PM, November 12th (Thursday)]

Nothing after February (ish) 2017. H & I got pregnant 3rd child Dec/Jan 2018 & I contacted OM sometime that spring to tell him.

OP - you need to stop lying. You were in contact with the OM, a call every 3-4 month, post Mar 2017. Called up the OM at the workplace. It was not a single call. Upto 2 weeks before the birth of your child.

In 2017 you replaced your phone to get rid of evidence. And before the D day confession, you cleaned up your iPhone. If you were going to confess everything why clean your iPhone ? Threat of a poly ended the TT.

While you claim BH has forgiven you due to a esoteric ritual, is that really so ? You know very well why BH is still with you.

My guess is you are here due to the D threat. You may have finally read the posts on SI but zero assimilation. Otherwise you would not make comments like

I’ve been humbled enough so what else do I need to prove

Honestly if after serial cheating, TT and the works you expect instant forgiveness, you are not R material. It takes 2-3 years to get the demons out of the BH, to be sure that BH will be moving on with you. What you are displaying is not humility but arrogance disguised as humility. Maybe your pastor will explain true humility to you after you confess that earlier confession was to put it mildly incomplete

[This message edited by btdi at 8:37 AM, November 13th (Friday)]

Write your H a letter with a full confession. Go have D papers drawn up that are favorable to him. Give him a peaceful divorce and leave him alone to heal.

While you may want to be, you are nowhere near being a safe partner and have burned bridges that can't be rebuilt. The poor man is still suffering to this day and you aren't really making it better by staying.

JMO.

First of all, I do get the emotions behind the harsh responses. Flowergirl50 has put her husband through as bad, or even worse pain, than that even many of us went through. Of course we are going to empathize with her BH, and feel anger towards her. Especially because she still seems quite foggy. It's quite a natural reaction when we see injustice being done.

But at this pace, we are only going to run her off.

Flowergirl50, I do need to be matter-of-fact with you: The way your story reads to me, it seems like you stopped loving your BH the way a wife should a husband a long time ago. And now, because of your actions, that man's life feels like it has been destroyed. So yes, this isn't about you "being humbled enough", this is instead about someone else who is in a severe severe amount of pain due to your decisions. And about you not really getting that. And so the responses you get, both from BH and from people here, are harsh.

Anyways I do salute you for having the courage to come on here and post part of your story, and I do hope you stay.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:07 PM, November 13th (Friday)]

@wontbefooledagain

Normally it takes WS upto 9 months to get remorse. It has been almost two years but there is no modicum of remorse. So you need call in heavy artillery.

OP has been trying to control the narrative, wiping off the iPhone, changing the earlier Android to delete evidence.

The 2007 incident was confessed by the OP to the BH in Feb 2019, not in the far past. I am sure there have been lots of untruths which is causing the OP anxiety in writing out the timeline. It is difficult to remember the lies.

While the OP apparently cries out for help, there is a lot of false narrative in the post. Trickle truths to internet strangers !

The original post has been modified I think to delete the fact that the AP was ex communicated and OP chastised.. So here is my 0.02 to the WS.

If the BS decides to get out, you will lose the marriage. And if he informs the church about the false confession, your faith. And family and community I guess.

To borrow a colloquism I picked up from another thread, suck it up buttercup.

Don't play the power MAD game of financial/family devastation, you have more to lose. Your BH has been generous in offering to attempt R. Grovel and make the best use of it.

If you have even a iota of faith, remember it is not about fooling/making it upto your BS, pastor or SI. You know who knows.

[This message edited by btdi at 12:58 AM, November 14th (Saturday)]

One question.

Does your betrayed husband read your posts?

btdi, pm for you

OP, people have already mentioned that you are lying and minimising your effort and involvement in the A. I will not say any more on that. The problem I'm finding with your posts is your impatience to get this over with and get a sure fire fix.

That is not possible because of a few reasons.

1. Like most WSs, I suspect you are struggling to really empathise with you BH. We are not in their shoes. We can't really get their pain.

2. You are creating a narrative for yourself and your BH. You are afraid to let go of the outcome and lay everything on the table.

3. I highly suspect that you are trying very hard to keep the image that you once had and with as little consequences in the eyes of others. Most of us do not want to be seen as the bad guys in our own stories.

You're not getting anywhere because you're not all in. Doing the work to fix your relationship doesn't come with guarantees. I know you know this.

You have not been humbled yet, because you have not put yourself in a position where the control is completely out of your hands and in the hands of the one you wronged. You have not put yourself out in all your rawness and flaws. You can't get much traction because you have not been completely open and transparent.

I think your best place to start the process of healing is to let go of the control of the narrative you are trying hard to push. Even if it hurts, try practicing being open and transparent with your partner. I would also recommended your inform your pastor of the things you left out. You are not helping anyone by trying to uphold a shattered image in order for other people not to see the extent of the damage brought to your relationship.

R would have never worked for me without brutal honesty, letting go of the outcome and working on myself. Even if R is not in the picture, it would still be beneficial to practice openness and empathy.

In order for there to be a better you, you have to acknowledge your flaws and faults and I don't mean just lip service. At this point, what will hiding anything do for you and your partner? Things are already a huge mess.

The OP is my W. I am going to share a few words and I would prefer to keep it at that for my own interaction here. This thread is not for me and I do not want to be a distraction.

She knows I am following this thread and so you all know, she is also keeping up with reading comments. She knows this because I was the one that prompted her to post a cliff-notes version of our story in the first place as I am nearing my rope's end. But after seeing the original post and feeling a few major aspects of our story were missing, I asked her to include the larger follow-up post.

There is more to our story but the meat and potato's is there.

She has been reading everyone's comments and it appears to weigh heavily on her in a way that my own words have not. Yes, I understand the implications of this.

As I anticipated her sharing our story would, this has created an irrefutable image of our story that I feel she had not seen previously. I am not defending her in anyway when I say that she is feeling cornered/overwhelmed here in this thread. She knows I see it all as it really is; folks sharing their honest .02 and being respectfully candid....there's no way to circumvent how the truth is painful to hear given our story. I told her before she made this thread that she should be prepared for a truth she has not seen.

Too, I have told her how nothing anyone could possibly say about how awful she's treated me would impact me. My reality is as it's been and no one is going to surprise me by saying she clearly hated or hates me, that the complete truth has been withheld, etc. No one is more in touch with my reality than me.

I've told her I think her responding to what is practical to respond to is a healthy move for her. But I am not insisting that she do so. If she doesn't comment on anything it's not because she didn't read it.

Still, I love my wife. I really hope she takes the quality recommendations made here to heart. She knows me to be a patient man but she also knows that when I say I've had enough and check out of an abusive relationship that I never fire that relationship back up.

Again, please do not attempt to engage with me directly here as I do not see it as productive. But I've sat and watched since the beginning and feel me sharing this may shed a bit more light on our situation.

[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 1:13 PM, November 14th (Saturday)]

Wow Flowergirl, thats a hell of a lot to unpack, serial cheating, manipulation, gas lighting, lies, abuse, with holding love & affection, Again Wow

Maybe you could learn a thing or 3 from this article written for WS's

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

it may give you some understanding of how your BH is feeling,

Thank you all for your feedback. btdi be careful what you say. I never said anything about cleaning up phones so that’s pretty bold of you. And regarding 2007, I called and left a message for the pastor so that we could talk about it and my H was the one who put a stop to it, not me. I’ve offered to see the P again about it as I’m ok with whatever comes my way. I’m fully aware that a D is a strong possibility and have come to terms with that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not defending any actions on my part. Just getting a few things straight here. I’m rewriting a timeline and no, I didn’t have sex. What I did was awful enough tho and I’m aware of that. I know I’ve made some horrible choices and am grateful for having a chance to hopefully mend things. Im learning a lot as I go so thank you.

I too have my doubts about your insistence than no sex occurred. If it were a ONS that just went bad maybe. But you put yourself in sexual situations too many times that it is beyond reason you didn’t inch closer to the line every time. I too also agree with the posters that think having a man fondle and kiss your breast’s, and getting you off with his hand would constitute sex. But let’s put all reason aside and say that’s all you did.

It brings us back to the question of you treating your husband like dirt for over a decade. The sexual humiliation that you put him through is something that can’t be explained by anger he didn’t take out the trash. The bashing him to friends and the various OM is a rooted in deep dis respect and frankly hatred for him. So this goes on for a decade, but magically when your life is about to explode he is the greatest husband ever. This to me is even more unbelievable than the sex.

Why the change? Was he a bad husband that somehow deserved this. Is he doing anything different now that made you suddenly love him?

I hope this is something you are exploring. You really have a lot of ground to make up. He loves you. I hope you are doing things other than telling him you love him. He needs to feel it.

You should be so grateful he even is considering reconciliation. Please be honest with him and don’t blow it

Have you scheduled a polygraph to show him you are no longer lying to him?

A poly is a must in this case. It is very hard to believe that intercourse did not take place.

Flowergirl50,

Sometimes I’m completely humble and other times I think “I’ve been humbled enough so what else do I need to prove

You might consider talking to your pastor about what humility is. It appears to me that, by what you stated above, you have no idea what humility is and how beneficial it can be in your situation.

I want to help him heal but I’m struggling with that.

And soon as you typed "but" you completely negated your statement of "I want to help him heal"

You have so much to learn and the only way to do that is to admit that you do not know but you want to.

You have so much to learn and the only way to do that is to admit that you do not know but you want to.

truer words could not be said.....