Newest Member: Hurtandbeyond

NotMyFirstRodeo

Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.

Question about R with an avoidant WS (that may truly want R)

How can it be possible that a BS truly reconcile with a BS who has an avoidant personality? How is genuine connection ever supposed to fire up? I'm feeling more and more certain that a BS facing this must accept things as they've always been (no thanks....) or leave as real R isn't possible.

I've hit a very hard wall in this regard. My WS avoids authentic discussion/connection with me despite, what I genuinely feel is, her being sorry for her actions. Authentic connection to her is as colors are to a colorblind person from birth. Who of us would be frustrated with t a colorblind person who couldn't understand your description of colors? Or who of us would be angered by a toddler not understanding why taxes are withdrawn from a paycheck? We'd likely have sympathy for rightly ignorant souls, no?

I've had years to observe how she responds to everything and the best I can come up with is that there is a war within herself and she can't overcome avoiding reality (now AND "then").

IMHO, she wishes she could connect but suffers from FOO issues which override her personal wants to address (according to me) within our M. The idea of CSA has become more and more realistic to me but she'd never speak of it AFAIAC.

I believe she is carrying some baggage/trauma from her youth that I can't help her with and it's a serious handicap for our healing from the damage she's created between us. Her IC was an exercise in futility. For reasons I can't get into at the moment, I know that she worked the avoidant angle with her IC as she has with me over the years and IC proved fruitless. She manipulated the IC so that she heard what she wanted and the IC's were too aloof to counteract this. My .02 on this are not presumed.

The nuances are great and, admittedly, I have a tendency to get lost in the weeds so I'll try to be brief by saying this. R with an avoidant personality is like fighting someone you can't see and can't touch. You feel the blows and sure, you may have an ability to stay on your feet a long time due to your iron jaw but you also know how it must end knowing that you can't see or touch what you're fighting.

8 comments posted: Saturday, June 25th, 2022

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