It’s now 3 months since he told me about AP and I’m looking back at how things/ I have changed and how some things haven’t.
I am now NC. I am sending all financial correspondence by email. There have been a couple of WhatsApp messages about our bank account from him I have replied a yes or no to but that has been it. He has added a how are you? did your mum arrive safely? I’ve ignored these bits. I’m not telling him anything anymore.
He has told me in an email that "because of what he did, he will now how to work in the Uk and not retire" again it’s another dose of him doing the woe is me act, it’s still about feeling sorry for him. I ignored it and didn’t respond although I was shouting at the iPad "well that was your choice, idiot"
I am still learning about him/his previous behaviours from friends and was told this week that he is buying into a business (with AP) and they are relocating across England. When he was asked about our separation and finances his reply was "she can have everything in Spain, except me". Well I have news for him, I wouldn’t want or have him in Spain with me. He can go off, play happy families, try and rediscover his youth and no doubt reinvent himself. I will stay here rebuilding myself and live a great life.
I went back to the UK for 3 weeks this time as a holiday. I saw lots of friends and family and reconnected with my 2 adult children. I got some home truths from them about their feelings towards him while they were growing up. Again it was a learning experience and it helped me with accepting some really poor choices I made during my marriage. I put him first and ultimately he drove them out of our family home. They will never forgive me for that but hopefully we can build a new relationship going forwards. I am also rebuilding my relationship with my mum, again I allowed a wedge to be put between us but we have talked a lot and things are good again.
I am still really sad, the tears still often come and I have flashes of anger but still not much. I’m fearful for the future but at the same time know it will be ok. I am reading some self help books and books and trying to live in the now. I still think of him every day but it is getting a bit less and is easier to deal with. My eating is better although my sleeping is still terrible some nights.
Spain is so beautiful, I am surrounded by hills, the views from my home are amazing and I am thankful for them and everything else I have every day. I am getting more independent and I’ve done some jobs around home that I had asked him to do but he never did. Each time I finish one I give myself a pat on the back. It still feels like the right place to be.
The other day after being out walking I stopped at a bar for a drink and a fellow Brit asked me to join him. We talked for a while but I had to leave as I felt so uncomfortable, not because of him but because all I could think was stbxh would have been angry and not wanted me to be talking to a strange man on my own. The realisation of this thought made me so upset but also made me think that now I don’t have to worry about things like that. I’m a lovely person and who wouldn’t want to talk to me! No one has the right to tell me who I can and can’t talk to anymore.
Stbxh is coming to Spain on 16th Dec to collect some of his belongings. I’m finding all his stuff and have put it in the spare bedroom. He is flying in and out the same day so he won’t be here for more than a couple of hours packing I’m guessing. I’m apprehensive about it but not mentally as devastated as I was a while ago. I will be polite but indifferent and won’t engage in any general conversation, which I’m sure he will try.
I am considering work options but won’t look into anything until next year. I need a little bit of time just to be quiet, without builders or my mum here. I have tried to keep myself so busy but I’m now so tired I just need a brief rest.
Final last positive change of mindset. Lots of his family and my friends had invited me to the UK for Xmas, they didn’t want me to be alone. I was all prepared to be alone in Spain and miserable and hiding from the world. I could eat, cry or watch shit on tv for the day without anyone seeing but I’ve just accepted an invite from a friend here to spend the day with her family and another couple of friends. I know I will have a lovely, very enjoyable day with people who genuinely care about me and I don’t need to be home alone or miserable.
2022 was definitely not the year it was planned to be. In January we left the UK for a new life here and in December it’s just me planning MY new life and I’ll make it great, one day at a time