SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been 3 months since i discovered that my wife restarted her affair a month after dday2, that was a little over 2 years ago. Some key points, it was mostly emotional this time, some physical (hand holding, kissing, sexting), but they didn’t hook up, but that’s only because she never was alone with him. I know he never came to my house (I have security cameras), and she never was anywhere where they could have thanks to location services. He was never around my kids, they absolutely would have told me, especially my oldest. AP legally now can’t be around my kids, to include school, home, etc. We did move to a city about 3 hours away just before dday2, so that also makes it a lot harder.

Funny enough, things are actually better now than they were before. My wife knows I have retained a lawyer and that i filed a protection order and that in the divorce paperwork there is a clause that AP can’t be around the kids. My kids know it too. They don’t know why we are in separate bedrooms, but they know AP can’t be around them, and why. I haven’t filed, but I have everything lined up. My original delay was purely financial. I got a top dollar lawyer, but I need to get funds in order to ensure I can pay for it while still supporting my kids, bills etc.

My wife, for her part has done a 180. No more defensive, no more name calling, no more any cheater mentality. I finally got the full timeline of the affair, about 9 months longer than originally told, and the PA started way before she originally said, as I also always suspected. She no longer blames me for the issues in our relationship prior to the affair(on the false timeline, on the real timeline the problems started when her EA started go figure) and admitted that the real serious ones started when she started her affair. Basically, she’s owning it, and might actually have remorse this time. She lost a lot of friends when she confessed to them the truth, which she did on her own terms, I never asked her to.

It’s weird, we actually have peace now. My kids are happy, one of my daughters told me that she wasn’t upset about us sleeping in different rooms because we aren’t fighting anymore. My son is just at peace that AP can’t come around and he is doing well.

Right now I am not really sure what is next. Yes I know I should divorce. I struggle every day not holding myself to what I swore I would do. But it’s not that simple. My wife really got a 2x4 to the head, especially when she found out I had retained a lawyer. It could be an act. It could be real. I don’t know. What I do know is that my kids are doing better with us in this current state. We are polite and respectful, she takes care of a lot things while I’m working 12 hours. It will be very difficult for me and my work schedule to take %50 custody. I can’t stand the idea of losing any more time with my kids then I already have thanks to my time in the Army. I am looking for a more flexible job, but for now I have to work with what I have.
I do have my limits. Things get nasty again, AP comes around, she calls me one more name ever again and I immediately pull the trigger. For now, this is working for me and kids.

Good to hear from you, brother.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned for you. You’ve thought before that your wife had turned a corner. Please proceed with extreme caution.

I’m happy for you that your present circumstances are stable and adequate. What are your thoughts about the long game?

Hoping for nothing but the best for you.

I question your wife’s 180. Often when $ and D are on the table, it changes people’s behavior. It does not appear that she is really all in on your marriage but she’s doing what she can to bide time.

Recognize how much easier her life is now. And how it will change upon D.

Yes she’s polite and you get along. It’s EASIER than it was but your situation is not a long term solution. It’s an arrangement— pure & simple.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:48 PM, Saturday, October 12th]

I can’t say that I’m terribly surprised by this turn of events because your last post before this one was that your wife was love-bombing and hoovering you. She wasn’t going to let her meal ticket get away without a fight.

She’s always been able to push you right to your break point… and then say and do all the right things that she should’ve been doing all along until she lulls you back into a false sense of security.

Your wife isn’t capable of a relationship based mutual respect. She only understands the dynamics of power… withholding something from her makes her want it more. That’s not sustainable in the long-term. Neither is growing old with a woman who has the emotional capacity and mental stability of a 12-year-old.

As for pulling the trigger if "one more thing happens…" if continuing her affair after Dday with the man who abused your son isn’t a dealbreaker, then nothing is.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:20 PM, Saturday, October 12th]

Yeah I know.

As for pulling the trigger if "one more thing happens…" if continuing her affair after Dday with the man who abused your son isn’t a dealbreaker, then nothing is.

Amen. I have a kid who USED to be like this: she could only learn the hard way. Thankfully, she’s in her 20’s now and wisdom has taken hold. I could only wish the same would happen with OP 😔

I knew I would get a lot of pushback from my post. I have made my decision for what it is right now. This is the best decision for me, and my kids currently. If I could just leave and have a clean break, sure that’s easy. Right now the benefit of being married still outweighs the cost of divorce. Doesn’t mean I am in R. Doesn’t mean that this won’t end, because sooner or later it will. My romantic marriage is over and the last thing I want is any form of relationship with anyone. More importantly can keep my kids safe.

Romance is dead, but the business function of the marriage is strong and in my benefit. For now, I am completely fine with it.

We make huge life decisions with the assumption of our partner being an integral part of it. Blowing up and reassembling those life plans isn’t easy. I’m glad to hear that you aren’t trying to re-engage romantically, and if you are making the most of what you have with open eyes, then so be it. How can we support you in this time? (Genuine question, zero sarcasm there, just to be 1,000% clear).

Thanks for sharing your update HINIF,
I sense that you're moving forward.

No smart comments from me either.
I respect that you're making your kids and family life a priority, and it seems like you're winning. Well done.
I echo InkHulk's comment

How can we support you in this time?

Hang in there,
Regards,
FAWH

There is a problem with asking for support here. While I know that I am going against what everyone else would do, it is unfortunate to be met with hostility. I know I have had my moments here, but I also had hoped that i had established myself enough that I could be able to post an update and not basically be told I have failed. Ultimately I am the only one who has to live with the consequences of my decisions, no one else.

I have been thinking about it a lot, and I’m sure if I dig enough into my own posts I’m guilty of this too. There is a lot of hostility towards people who go against the established culture of SI. Again, I am
Sure I have done this too, so because of this I am going to end my time here in this form. I do sincerely appreciate the many kind and compassionate words I have received and I did receive tons of insight.

I'm not certain if I've posted to this thread or not, since I'm not post much anymore. I can't give you any better advice than you've already received so ill just mention my own experience.

I was married 27 years at Dday#2, where I learned the truth. I had loved my wife, not because she deserved it,but because I had taken a vow on my wedding day. Before Dday, she asked why I loved her, and I told her that I had chosen to, the I stitched my life to hers and was committed. I don't think that was the romantic pulp fiction version she had read in her romance novels,but those are bullshit anyway.

You see, I loved my wife even though she had many shortcomings. I carried the things she could not, and most times, my load was greater by many times. But I did it because that's what I felt men ought to do.

After Dday, I switch flipped in me. She had effectively erased every positive attribute she had and all I saw were liabilities. I no longer loved her as i once did and if she were ever to recieve my love again, she would need to be worthy of that gift.I gave her 6 months to prove to me that she could do the work, while I quietly prepared to exit if the situation dictated. She failed, miserably.

You see, my EXWW's core personality was not built to fix what she broke. She lacked both the executive function and core attributes needed, such as empathy, compassion, humility, and tenacity, to name a few. I was never going to get the wife I needed and deserved, because she was utterly incapable of being that person. Once I was willing to admit this and embrace it, I filed for D.

I cannot tell you the sense of peace that decision brought me. Not only that, the correctness of it has been underscored almost daily. I hadvexcised a parasite from my life and I was no longer bleeding out. Although I struggled with lonliness from time to time, I am always at peace as I am no longer with my agent of chaos. The value of that peace is immeasurable.

Not only am I at peace, I continue to slowly improve financially while my EXWW continues to decline, making one poor decision after another. My debt is almost zero, save my mortgage, I am rebuilding my savings while building equity in my modest home.

My greatest fear in choosing D, was struggling financially. I made a half-dozen spreadsheets detailing every possible scenario in order to do right by my kids. In the end, I was catastrophizing and it always seems there is just enough money to meet our needs (think lillies of the field). In fact, it is amazing how opportunit pops up just when I need it.

The point of all this is that you will be just fine on your own if tgat is what you choose. In fact, you won't just survive, but thrive. Don't let fear hold you back.

HellIsNotHalfFull, you have to do what's right for you in your situation, nobody else is there, they don't know what it's like for you.

I can tell that your main concern is for your kids and what's going to be best for them, that you would sacrifice almost anything for that end goal.

If things are peaceful, and you know that right now is what's best for your kids, than that's what you need to do.

I think you are making a huge mistake HINHF. I am afraid that you are tethered hard to your ball-n-chain and are rationalizing a lot of things, and even the way she abused your kids--in taking AP's side--isn't enough to sway you. Shame.

These words are harsh but I do hope you find them jolting, as I think you need that.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:57 AM, Sunday, October 13th]

Gr8ful,

Thank you for mocking me and insulting my intelligence and agency. Just terrific support group here.

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 2:37 AM, Sunday, October 13th]

WBFA,

I really have to choose my words carefully here. I am sure that you believe that you are coming from a good place and intentions, but honestly you rarely help. It feels like you give very backhanded advice or support, and damn it all every time you just have to get some comment about "old ball n chain" or how every BH has their balls cut off, because of whatever reason, or just something to imply how less of a man a BH is because he isn’t doing what you think he should. Every comment WBFA, and you specifically target BHs. Maybe you say similar things about a BW, but I can’t think of any. I asked only for support here not to be lectured.

On the surface level, I could maybe take your comment at face value, but after reading so many comments of yours, I know your complete disdain for any BH who doesn’t divorce.

I hope you figure your own way and heal from your past.

I was a champion waffler. It’s not easy getting a D you really have to be dead set to go through with it. Be at a point where love bombing and false promises don’t work anymore. Only you know your situation. Maybe this was a wake up call for her. You will know in time all is revealed whether this will work or not. I do wish you the best and understand the back and forth, indecision. It’s ok you’re on your own path and it will lead to wherever it takes you. Whatever decision you make. D can always be on the table.

HINHF

I just want to commend you for coming back to share your current update, that couldn’t of been easy knowing you were likely going to get some heat over it. I’ve only been around this site for a year myself and while I’m not 💯 familiarized with all of your background here I just wanted you to know (and I know you know) … none of this shit is easy and we as BS are more flexible and resilient then we ever could of imagined. I’m sorry you are feeling unsupported … some comments I’ve seen here at SI are quite extreme and IMO are better left unsaid. Surviving, thriving, whatever you want to call it, after infidelity is a completely unique path for everyone. Nobody knows your life better than you- drown out the noise that isn’t helpful. We are rooting for you.

I am sorry, friend. Heartbreak does crazy things to us, and gets us to do things that are insane and extremely ill-advised. But realize that....you are doing something insane and extremely ill-advised.

ETA: What would you say 25 years from now, to *your son* if he were in the same situation you are in now? He is interalizing the lessons that he is seeing from watching you now.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 2:57 PM, Sunday, October 13th]

When I first came to SI years ago I definitely felt like there was an SI playbook that needed to be followed as well. I totally understand that sentiment. However I came to learn through years of being on here and my own experiences that the playbook is the playbook for a reason. People here were capable of a lot more objectivity about my situation and my wh than I was. They didn't have the history and the shared holidays and the years and years together clouding their perception of the situation. I also remember that it really irritated me a lot when people would say things about my situation that I couldn't see or didn't agree with at the time.

That said, you definitely have to follow your own path and you have to learn the things that you have to learn in your own time. You'll get 'there' eventually, whether that means you stay together and reconcile or end up getting divorced. And spoiler alert, either way that goes I promise you will get through it.

I will just second what JSG said though, and that is the divorce (while being a very difficult decision for me to make) led to much more peace in my life than I ever would have thought possible when I was first contemplating it. My xwh was very non remorseful and he too lacked the humility and the tenacity and the emotional capacity to truly deal with what he had done and the hurt that he had caused me with his actions. I stuck it out for 9 months of false r and it was a very difficult time; not only because dealing with a non remorseful WS is just very difficult but also for me with trying to wrestle with my own feelings about where I was at and what I felt and what the end goal was for myself. Give yourself a lot of grace right now cus none of this is easy.

However painful it might be for you, I really do encourage you to play through the scenario of what it looks like if you divorce. I shied away from that thought early on because I just couldn't deal with it and when people here would tell me to think about it I remember it being very irksome to me, but I do think that it was an important exercise for me. When I started looking at the possibility of separation or divorce and not looking at what I was losing but instead looking at what I might potentially gain from it, it definitely changed that narrative in my head. I will also add that divorce was the hardest decision I ever had to make but it was also the absolute best decision I ever made for myself. Just my 0.02.

The common line around here is to take what you need and leave the rest. I know that there are some posts that might irritate you or might hurt, and I'm not condoning any sort of abusive behavior, but I do think it's important to look at those posts and really look at what hits you about them. When I started actually working through my separation and divorce process I remember going back and revisiting posts that had really affected me in some way and I was able to see them from a whole different perspective than I could at the time. And I realized that a lot of the things that annoyed me about them were the things that I was internally struggling with that I couldn't articulate. I'm not saying that you're ready to do that now but it might be a good idea for you to earmark some of these posts to kind of go back and revisit later when you have a little bit more emotional bandwidth to maybe look at them with a fresh set of eyes. In the meantime, take the advice that speaks to you and that helps you right now because that's what you need right now. Down the road you'll need different advice and you'll take different things from it, and that's perfectly okay.

I can't speak for anybody else but for me all I want for anybody struggling with infidelity is to get out of infidelity, whether that means staying together and reconciling or separating and divorcing. I definitely can say that life is too short and far too precious to stay with somebody who makes you feel devalued on a regular basis and that you deserve a partner who builds you up.

Hang in there and please be kind to yourself right now and keep coming back here even if it annoys you sometimes. This place saved my sanity when I was going through everything and I credit a lot of SI folks with helping me survive the hardest time I've ever gone through in my life.

I hope you will stay in the forum and take wht helps and leave the rest.

I understand why this is working for you right now. As long as she isn’t getting into your head or heart, being able to save money and see your kids is a reason many people don’t get divorce. You aren’t in a hurry to get in another relationship, and you are realistic it’s not going to be enough for one or both of you later then you are probably somewhere more in the middle than being an outlier here.

To me- the child abuse thing is actually a reason I would continue your arrangement. It’s highly likely she would have the kids far more than you. So, you are at least in the house and accessible for them.

I am sorry that you did not receive the support across the board that you hoped for. However, my time here has told me there is a lot of good help and advice. To throw way your access to that over people who don’t agree with your decision- I just think is unfortunate. However, you have to do what’s right for your mental health.

I want to say one last thing that is meant to be gentler than it sounds- but sometimes we are most triggered by things we fear about ourselves. I have had this happen to me time and time again. I hope you will just tuck that away and hold that question. Not because I think you need to change your methods or situation, moreso it’s just an exercise in self awareness, which I believe benefits everyone. We can be ruled by fears that are completely unfounded.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:55 AM, Sunday, October 13th]