First wedding anniversary after Dday.
My 9th wedding anniversary is tomorrow. Bitter sweet feelings to say the least. I’m not really feeling celebratory for obvious reasons … if I’m being honest reflecting at this time last year there was nothing celebratory about it either, as I was heavily contemplating S or D and hated the man my H had become.
My H approached my after his IC session last week and asked what he could do to help me … maybe that was to spend extra time this week talking about feelings, what he can do to make this day special, etc. I kinda just stared at him and grumbled "you’re lucky if I even acknowledge it’s our anniversary … it means nothing to me now … you’ve ruined everything." Sigh. I don’t know if I really feel this way or if I’m just trying to "punish him" and make him feel extra low.
Apart of me was wanting to write him a letter about how much this day meant to me once upon a time and at the moment I’m indifferent to it. Apart of me wants to "let go" a bit and try to enjoy this date because it was REAL and everything about that day/time in our life was REAL.
What did you do on your first wedding anniversary after Dday? Right now it’s just another day on the calendar.
4 comments posted: Thursday, September 12th, 2024
Following through with post affair dealbreakers.
Infidelity has always always always been a dealbreaker for me (as I’m sure goes the same for 99.99% of the rest of the population). I told myself that if cheating ever occurred in my marriage … it would be over, no grounds for discussion. WELL … here I am, attempting R with a known to be liar, betrayer, cheater, POS, etc. WHY?! Why would I, why should I go back on MY "pre" affair dealbreaker?! It still doesn’t make sense why I’m betraying the dealbreakers that I put in place to protect myself. If you’re not going to follow through, doesn’t that send off signs of weakness?
For those of you who have experienced false R or Dday 2 or multiple Ddays … did you (or did you not) follow through with whatever your post A dealbreakers were? Did you find it easier to "stick to your guns" the second time around or did you continue to "tolerate" A related behaviour until you hit a firm breaking point, or maybe you’ve reached that "a-ha" realization?
Honestly, it’s one of my biggest fears … working on R only to experience a second Dday and then not following through (again) with my dealbreakers (more so if a lengthy period of time has passed then I could see how this would be more difficult … if this happened tomorrow I would be GONE - at least I think I would be).
7 comments posted: Monday, September 9th, 2024
Gut Instinct / Intuition
Originally I wrote this post sharing a bit of my story for context, but it was long so I’m leaving it out for now and will just get to the point.
Can anyone explain how gut instinct/intuition works? I had the most insane, intense feelings something was wrong almost right from the start of my WH A … it’s kinda surreal to look back on it all and I wonder how finding out was even possible given there were no "obvious tracks" of anything suspicious. There were no bread crumbs to be found, literally it started with a "bad feeling." At one point I literally had "a voice" (yes I know it’s crazy, but I did), come to me one night and it told me to buy a VAR and stick it around the house where he would be, his car, etc. Boom … caught! I still shake my head in disbelief to the craziness that went on within me up until the discovery.
So …
1. Do most of us "possess" varying degrees of these types of intuitions?
2. Do we just become hypersensitive, picking up on minuscule details from our spouse that sends off internal alarm bells?
3. Sometimes I feel I "got lucky" with my gut instinct … do those intuitions eventually fade or strengthen after trauma?
4. After betrayal, how do you distinguish the difference between listening to your gut vs. navigating through the pain you’ve endured?
*side note - I think #4 is difficult for me. After living and breathing betrayal, I don’t know if my gut instinct is "working" properly after infidelity … it’s like how do I know when my gut is guiding me to further truths or just fucking with me.*
9 comments posted: Friday, September 6th, 2024
Rock Bottom
Why does someone have to hit rock bottom to "wake up?" Obviously at almost 11 months out, I have accepted what has happened, that I can’t change the past and that this is my reality … but on the other hand I still can’t believe it (do you get me)?
For those of you that personally had to hit a rock bottom realization (or for those of your WS who describe hitting rock bottom) did you realize it before or after everything blew up in your face?
For those of you WS who are actually remorseful after such a realization (or for those of you who have experienced a remorseful WS), do you truly feel "good" or "proud" of the fact that you are changing/have changed into the "best version" of yourself, due to the complete mass destruction of your spouse, children, extended family/friends and your entire existence? Seems like such a steep price to pay and at the expense of others to better oneself. Why not just “be better” without a rock bottom realization?
5 comments posted: Friday, September 6th, 2024
Feeling Sad
For close to 7 months now, I would say my primary emotion has been anger … nothing but 24/7 anger. Over the past few days, I’ve noticed my emotions have made a shift and the anger has been replaced with feelings of sadness and defeat.
I’ve been a lot more emotional and have had a few crying episodes over the past few days, feeling defeated about making my next move in this shit storm. Our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks (maybe that’s the trigger) and I’m so sad about it and just wish this specific date would skip over this year. Our wedding meant so much to me, I loved every moment of it - from the proposal, to the planning, the day itself. This day is tarnished indefinitely, it has lost its significance and makes me sad. It makes me sad to look back to not even a decade ago and how my life has taken such a drastic turn. I never, ever thought this would be MY life … but here I am living this nightmare.
I’m sad to have had a life altering choice made on my behalf and sad that this choice has left me with the choice to either R or D (or all that limbo shit in between) and I’m not confident in making any choice right now. So here I am, taking it day by day and I’m so tired living just day to day. It’s not a way I want to live, but I’m trying to be patient and trust the process. Ugh. I’m just feeling sad today.
4 comments posted: Tuesday, August 20th, 2024
Differences between being a BW vs BH …
I’ve been reading a lot lately and was curious if one is more "worse" than the other … being a betrayed husband or a betrayed wife? I know it’s a shit stick either way. In what ways, either from a personal perspective or statistically speaking … what makes betrayed spouses similar and different when it comes to "accepting/healing/forgiving" infidelity (or not)?
My WH says if the shoe was on the other foot, he would have an extremely difficult time with the physical aspect and that it would he would have a "decreased sense of manhood." Since I’m the one wearing the shoe, I have more difficulty with the "emotional" details … "lucky" for me there was zero emotional connection or bonding which actually calms my nerves.
40 comments posted: Friday, August 16th, 2024
Unrealistic/Unreasonable Expectations.
Is there such a thing as a BS being too unreasonable or too unrealistic when it comes to a WS and essentially their journey to "healing" … not only the M, but themselves as well?
It’s been almost 10 months and I’ve seen my WH do a near complete 180 in so many areas. Never in a million years did I ever think these changes were possible or that he would be capable of making them and sticking too them.
I have a specific situation I will do my best to explain to use as an example as to what I’m referring too. My WH had developed an extreme porn addiction about a year prior to his A. Porn became his life … any free time was spent watching it, he took screenshots of his fav videos so he could go back and search them later (he had more photos of porn in his phone then his own children; this was probably what hurt the most), he jacked off to it all the time (then it became more of a scrolling habit) … then he has an A. He knows how it makes me feel for him to watch porn, look at it etc … he even agrees he wouldn’t like it or appreciate it if I were looking that kinda stuff up either.
We had a mini family vacay last weekend and my WH thought I was mean, cold and distant towards him. Maybe to an extent I was, but in my defence I’m currently living through my first "A Season" and we (stupidly) planned nearly an identical trip at the same time as this time last year - unbeknownst to me I was unaware what was going on behind my back this time last year (it was a bit triggering to say the least, but overall I felt like I was ok).
On our last night there we had the night to ourselves and my WH wanted some intimacy. I didn’t feel like it, I was tired and said maybe tomorrow once we’re back home. Essentially he had a temper tantrum because he didn’t get his way and he felt like I was rejecting him. I slept in the other bed because I couldn’t handle his ridiculous drama over it. Fast forward to 48 hours ago he booked us concert tickets and he put one of the bands songs on YouTube. I went to go type in a different song and in his search bar the phrase "asses on motorbikes" came up.
I questioned him about it and asked why he would be searching something like that up for? He said he saw this video as he was scrolling on YouTube and then punched in the phrase to view more. He confessed he did this because he was mad at me, he felt rejected, I went to sleep in the other bed, and he didn’t get his way. He said he realized how stupid it was when he looked it up and told himself to "not be a fucking loser like this."
In hindsight this might seem like a molehill to some, but the fact that he looked something like this up because he was "mad at me" is absolutely ridiculous and because of the extent of his porn watching in the past and him knowing how that affected our M why he would do something so dumb and set us back. I told him this type of behaviour is some serious 14 year old boy shit and that he’s a 38 year old man and to start acting like one. I told him if he looked this up then he should of been open/honest about it (build some trust) … he said he didn’t put too much thought into it and realized it was stupid.
This instance was a bit triggering given the fact he knows how porn played a role in the deterioration of our M/and the fact he wouldn’t appreciate if I did that to him … yet here he is, doing it to me again! Needless to say I got mad, threw his shit downstairs, ripped his self help books and journal entries (not my finest of moments, but I was raging). While doing this I told him there’s no point in reading and writing if you’re not going to "follow through."
Anyways … he hasn’t actually watched porn since Dday or anything super "detrimental" to shit all over or M since. But what he did the other weekend is magnified because of his past choices (yes, we talked about this and he agreed). I guess I’m looking for clarification … I feel like I’m not expecting perfection, but kinda am at the same time. I feel like he’s made enough "mistakes" to last him a lifetime and in my mind there isn’t room for not even one fuck up. I also know (so does he) that he has so much more to learn about himself and that he has a long ways to go in healing those broken parts of him.
So this leads me to wonder if I’m truly being "too" unreasonable or unrealistic (not just with this situation, but in general) … like, nobody can say or do the right things or be perfect 100% of the time. I remember a comment I read here that was something along the lines of "the WS should be kissing the BS ass for at least the first 5 years before they are worthy" (something to this effect). Maybe because it’s "early days" and I have less of a tolerance built up … maybe that need for perfection from the WS lessens over time?
8 comments posted: Tuesday, August 6th, 2024
I know the marriage isn’t too blame …
Upon discovery of my WH A back last October, I was completely blindsided because I never saw it coming from him, never in a million years. I truly thought our M was exempt from infidelity, regardless how shitty our M was. I remember telling myself in the months leading up to Dday and even during the A timeframe "you can trust him, no matter how shitty things are, he would never cheat on you." 🙄
In those very early days/weeks I was relatively calm about it all and my WH told me all that mumbo jumbo about how if our M was good then this would never of happened, he was lonely, depressed, wanted love/affection … all of this stuff and then an opportunity was presented, he wasn’t out looking for it (blah, blah). In a weird way (at the time) I really understood what he was saying because I felt those same feelings … but then it hits me - why didn’t I cheat?
Obviously we have both moved past using the M as an excuse for his cheating, he knows (I know) that was his choice and had nothing to do with me or our M … it’s only on him. If I have to be honest though, I still get these moments where I reflect back on the past 3 years of our M and see how hard it plummeted and that was because of faults from both of us and a serious lack of communication.
Can someone explain to me the role of a shitty M when it comes to infidelity … if it’s not a reason/excuse then what do you call it? Reading some of the books that come highly recommended, they reference that you need to discover how your relationship became vulnerable to begin with … for us that would be because of our M. So there is apart of me that gets confused by this.
14 comments posted: Saturday, July 27th, 2024
Hating I have a dirty family secret now … do you ever tell your kids?
I know every situation is different, but how do you decide if keeping your spouse’s infidelity "secret" or sharing it with your children is the right/wrong thing to do?
My kids are young, they were only 3 and 7 at the time of discovery so too young (obviously) to openly talk about what was going on in those early weeks (they are still young only 4 and almost 8). I’m always going through different scenarios in my head …
if we R then what would be the point in potentially damaging them/their view on us or their own future relationships/marriage
if we D I would want to tell them (age appropriately or when they are old enough to understand) the truth about why we are D
while not very many people know about the infidelity, what if it "gets out" and they find out from someone else causing resentment (I’ve seen this happen amongst my extended family, not infidelity related, but a family secret was exposed and did not turn out well).
I guess I’m at a loss. What did you end up doing or how did you navigate this? I know it will depend on many different factors … the only reason my kids don’t know is because of their age. I know kids are very intuitive and can sense when something is wrong, but they don’t know what cheating is. I think if they were teenagers or adults then that would have been a whole different conversation.
23 comments posted: Thursday, July 25th, 2024
I know, I know … they always affair down, but still!!!
I know the saying by now "they always affair down" … this couldn’t be more true in my case.
Seriously, what a slap to the face … her, really? The OW was nasty, old fuckin trash - literally 10 years older than me trash … high gum line, horrendously over plucked eyebrows that never grew in from the 2000s, she’s a member of the itty bitty T committee and an ass as flat as a pancake. Like, when I discovered who she actually was and what she looked like … I laughed so hard and literally walked up to my H with her photo on my phone and said "Buzz your gf, woof." 🐶 My H said there was absolutely zero attraction to her (one thing I actually 110% can believe).
The OW was nothing special, she maneuvered her way to my H by feeding him those ego kibbles and then just went for it. She tried to make a pass at him from a "romantic" stance by kissing him … that didn’t work. Then she just full on touched his D and offered to give him a BJ. You realize lady that he’s been sweating his bag off in 35 degree heat for 12 hours and is covered in grease and sweat … disgusting, do you have any kind of self respect? She degraded herself horribly thinking it would be enough to win my H over … maybe he might want to leave me, fall in love with her, or perhaps they would run off into the sunset together 🤣 Seriously lady, you got used and frankly a very very shitty deal out of the wannabe "A," as I call it.
Anyways … part of my rant is I wish I could just laugh in her face and tell her how pathetic she is and that she was never going to "win" my H. She’s no prize and neither is he! If you’re the OW/OM do you actually feel special? Are they trying to tell themselves they have some sort of significance?
My H dropped you lady, dropped you like yesterdays news … then you decided to come at my H again to see "how he was doing" and he told you to F off and to never speak to him again … I hope in that instant you felt your worth c*ntface. Do you think that’s a kick to the gut? Do you think they realize in a moment like that just how pathetic and worthless they were/are?
Ugh. Thanks for listening.
11 comments posted: Sunday, July 14th, 2024
How do you know if your therapist is a good fit?
After searching high and low for a therapist trained in betrayal trauma / infidelity I found one that comes highly recommended. I’ve only attended 2 sessions, but I don’t know if I’m "feeling it" with her. I found her to be very "therapisty" "how do you feel about that" … "how does that make you feel" - seriously, typical counselling "talk" like straight outta a movie. Maybe this is normal, I’m not sure (I don’t have much to compare too).
My first ever therapy was MC and I could "feel"it instantly that she was going to be a good fit. Shes absolutely phenomenal and couldn’t imagine having anyone else guide me through the "marriage" piece of my healing. She’s never once displayed those stereotypical therapist vibes, which makes me feel more humane and that my feelings are heard and validated.
Now I’m not sure if the reason I’m not feeling it with my IC is because I’ve been comparing her to my MC (I’m trying really hard not too) or maybe because I need to attend a few more sessions before I make a decision. It’s hard because each session is $220, I’m a SAHM and benefits have run out for therapy this year. I’m typically aiming for 1 session a month, but know it’s probably more beneficial to do 2-3 sessions per month (again, it’s a money thing).
Any advice? Should I continue to pour money into my current IC a few more times or should I try someone else in the meantime and continue to shop around for a new IC?
3 comments posted: Monday, July 8th, 2024
Tainted Memories.
One thing I’m struggling hard with is trying to enjoy the memories pre A … the feelings you first get knowing you met "your" person, the first ILY’s, fun outings as a young couple, moving in together, proposal, marriage, having children, buying a first home, building a life … all that history, all those memories just fuckin destroyed! And for what?! What could possibly trump all of that to make it worth your while to cheat?!
I tell my WH all the time that he didn’t just "step out" for a few months … but he literally destroyed everything we’ve built. I’m sitting here wondering if any of my past 13 years with him were real (how sad). I hate looking at any pictures of him and I at our "best" because it reminds me of what I don’t have now and wondering if I will ever feel happy and secure in any future relationship with him.
At the end of the day, I honestly don’t care if my WH and I end up together, he destroyed us, not me. I just want to know that I didn’t "waste" these past 13 years (literally my entire youth) with a monster in disguise. My life with him and the memories together just feel so tainted. Hoping this feeling will pass 🤞🏼
11 comments posted: Friday, July 5th, 2024
F U Affair Season
I don’t know if it’s because I’m officially entering into my first official "Affair Season" and I’m going to start reliving when my gut started giving me signals - of course the A spans over some significant dates … the majority of the summer, our oldest daughters birthday, our anniversary, my birthday (like, F U buddy).
The week of when the A started, I have my parents actually taking the kids so I can "do me." I’m not really exactly sure what that is, but something just for me. Suggestions?!
My WH thinks he should take time off during this said week to take advantage of it just being the two of us and doing something fun together 🙄 I’m like, you’re the last person I’m going to want to see and I actually feel like disappearing for that entire week so I don’t have to look at your face. Truth.
We’ve decided on a smaller trip to take with our kids for a few days at the end of the month … because it’s summer after all and I can’t very well "punish" the kids by not doing anything all summer. We are kinda doing something similar to last year and will be going on our trip the same time as last year - I tried not to pick the same dates, but unfortunately this was the only time that worked (this in itself is triggering as his A started the week before this trip last year). I will try to make the best of it for my children.
On top of it, his sister asked back in March if her and her fiancé could come visit us sometime in the spring. My WH said no because of everything going on and that it wasn’t the right time. She understood. Well … she asked again if they can come visit us in August - this time my WH says yes. I told him that I’m not very keen on having his family visit and I don’t feel like entertaining and playing "happy family" while they’re around. I told him it’s a triggering time for me and I’m not really in the mood. Although, I think this could be good for him to visit with his sister (due to the fact he hasn’t had any support from his parents) I just don’t want to be apart of it. Does this sound bad or unsupportive? When I’m angry I tell him I’m no longer apart of "his family" and that maybe they need to get used to me not being around anymore. He tells me to quit talking nonsense 🙄
My WH also keeps prying to make more plans this summer. He thinks we should go travel and "live life." I’m sitting here thinking "I wish you would get hit by a bus."
Moral of my post … these next few months are going to be hell. Entering my first A Season, my alarms in my gut started going off in August of 2023 that something wasn’t right, marriage continues to plummet at this point and I’m heavily contemplating bringing up divorce, started losing weight, my alarm bells are screaming now telling me to VAR his ass, thinking I’m going crazy, finding out he’s been having an A … now this shit all adds up.
Lord give me strength. Wanting nothing more than to get through this shit time.
7 comments posted: Tuesday, July 2nd, 2024
Pity Party Post
I’ve been feeling pretty numb towards my WH lately. Thoughts of his A constantly consumes nearly every thought of every day since my Dday in October 2023. It’s like I live and breathe his infidelity all day long … I don’t want to … all I want is to "heal" and put my best foot forward … but I can’t help it, I’m stuck wallowing and am in hard limbo (or so it feels).
Shall I say we "disagree" a lot about what it is that he ACTUALLY did to me, his children. I express to him that "he threw away" a relationship of 13 years, marriage of 8 years and his 2 beautiful children - threw us away like trash. How is it humanly possible to chose temporary gratification of a few minutes here and there over his own family … essentially over the rest of his life?! He tells me he never threw us away, never, not once was that his intention (wtf?!) What exactly is it that you did then, because that’s exactly what it feels like?!
I hate using the term "husband" and "father" because it’s almost fake sounding when I have to say those words and I feel like he doesn’t deserve to have these "titles" attached to him. He hasn’t been there for us emotionally/mentally like a true husband/father these past few years. I’m angered that it took something as drastic as having an A to wake him up to realize what he had sitting in front of him this whole time. Beyond unfair.
He never wore his wedding ring after we got married because it was too big and due to the material we couldn’t get it resized - so he just never wore it, it didn’t bother me … we talked about getting one that fit but didn’t ever follow through with it. About 4 months ago he decided to "dust off" that ring and has decided to wear it every second of every day since (I could just gag). I told him he couldn’t be bothered to wear it these past 8 years, why wear it now after all this time? You broke your vows and have no business wearing it, especially now!
There is no rhyme or reason for this post, other than I’ve been in a bit of a slump and needed to vocalize my thoughts somewhere.
Feel free to join my pity party post. Anything that is bothering you or needing to get off your chest … comment below!
6 comments posted: Wednesday, June 26th, 2024
Is fidelity not the “cool thing” to do anymore?
Now that I’m officially apart of the BS Club, I can’t help but notice the amount of infidelity there is out there. I do my very best to stick to SI - I feel like this is the most realistic, helpful and knowledgeable group in trying to heal from infidelity.
Man oh man, I am apart of some "mom groups" on FB because I like being able to ask questions about mom things. Unfortunately, these groups are becoming more like "just found out my husband is cheating" kinda groups. There is at least 2 posts per day I will randomly see that this awful discovery has been made … it’s so sad and heartbreaking and takes me back to my own Dday. I remember seeing posts like this from time to time prior to my DDay and would think to myself "wow, these poor women, how awful that must feel, I would leave if I were them, glad I have a husband I trust 🙄" Sigh. Here I am.
Is marriage becoming less and less of a thing? Looking at family, friends, friends of friends … lots aren’t happy, lots have divorced and not sure if the ones that are still married will stay married. Again, this makes me so sad because I truly believed in monogamy prior to this shitshow. I’m less than a year out, so maybe this is normal thoughts so early on, but I don’t know what I think or believe anymore in regards to fidelity - I’m so numb and dead inside because of what my WH has done that I feel like I won’t ever honour the sanctity of marriage like I used to. It’s like, the bearing it once has means shit and I’m trying to create a more realistic belief system around marriage.
3 comments posted: Friday, June 21st, 2024
At the expense of others …
How do you ever "accept" or "get over" your spouses revelation that they hit complete rock bottom and that something as drastic as having an A was the wake up call they needed to make serious changes and open their eyes to what they had been missing out on previously or what they would miss out on in the future. It’s so unjust and unfair that I have to wake up everyday and try to go about "business as usual" and maneuver through so many emotions, thoughts and feelings of uncertainty. I know he has serious regrets and remorse about his choices, but at the end of the day those were HIS choices, while I had no say and was left in the dark about MY life. I couldn’t imagine using my husband and my children as some kinda crutch to "be the best version of me." Why not just be the best version of you without having to suffocate those who you supposedly love the most? This dilemma is something I struggle with lots, not understanding how a spouse makes "personal gains" at the expense of others.
2 comments posted: Tuesday, June 4th, 2024
Playing it “cool” …
Not really sure if I’m looking for some sort of validation for what I’m going through or maybe its just a post about a realization of some sort. At 7.5 months from Dday, not sure if I would officially label mine and my WH status as "R" … I guess I’m currently letting him pave the way (sometimes I’m on the path, sometimes I’m not).
This post will resonate more with those of you who have a WS who is trying (or have done the work) to put their best foot forward and jump through all the hoops to fix their shitshow. I would consider my WH to be busting his ass off to do all of those magical things to prove he is deserving of me/his children and the things he needs to do in order to become a safe partner again. Honestly, all of these said efforts are "the least" he could do after what he’s done, however, he really could of made the choice not too. I think about how he could of chosen to abandon us, but he’s choosing to fight for us like a husband/father should.
He’s doing the things I knew he was capable of doing prior to the A and isn’t necessarily the "monster" he was during the A, but in fact somebody I could be proud of down the road (if he keeps it up … forever). I keep thinking "what if he chose not to change, what if he left us for her, what if he ended the A but continued being the asshole he had become prior to the A?" Instead, he FINALLY made the right choice (took some awfully disturbing ways to get there) and wants to be that present father and amazing husband I was promised on our wedding day.
I walk around "pretending" like his efforts don’t matter or I don’t care about them (but I actually do - more than I would like to admit). I know that I’m just guarded right now and I want him to feel scarred/not wanted/not loved, but I honestly would be a complete wreck if he made any of those other choices I mentioned above. I would feel so low, weak, decreased self esteem and self worth if he would have left, especially left me for her. Instead I feel powerful (is that weird to say) because my WH wants me, loves me, chooses me and doesn’t want to live his life without me - no matter if I choose to shit on him the rest of his days.
Not sure where I’m going with this … I guess I’m currently "ok" and sitting "pretty" in my current seat because I feel like I’m the one in control of things. On the other hand, I sit with the alternative and question my "approach" to pretending I don’t give 2 shits … what if he decides to leave us after all and not "put up" with my "coldness" towards him? I feel like I could be the one who ends up grovelling wanting to make my family work - I sure don’t want to do that or be that person!
Ugh. I know my post is kinda all over the place. I’ve just been thinking about how his choices, not only before/during/after the A has me questioning my choices to his choices.
7 comments posted: Tuesday, May 28th, 2024
Zero acknowledgment from in-laws regarding their sons A …
This is totally a rant post!
Since the summer of 2021 my relationship with my in-laws has not been the same. Since this time, I have "tolerated" them and put on a face when I have to see them (luckily they live in a different province so I don’t see them much - we’re in Canada). Likewise, they do the same, put on a face and pretend like things are amazing. I’ve mentioned this several times to my WH over these past few years, he assures me that "they love me." 🙄
D-Day was 7 months ago and I have not received any sort of acknowledgement on their end about what their son has done to his family. Not even a text saying "hey, thinking of you and the kids, we’re in utter shock, let us know if we can be of support" - literally nothing … NOTHING. After 4 months from Dday I received my first contact via text from my MIL "thanking me" for her birthday present - ugh, wtf … you know damn well I had nothing to do with that, I didn’t even extend a happy birthday. She sent me the same message on behalf of my FIL for his birthday in March. Then sent me some bullshit Mother’s Day message (which I still have yet to read/open). Obviously, I returned the favour and didn’t acknowledge these messages. Rugsweeping at its finest - we will just sit here in the next province over and pretended things are fine, wait a little bit until things "blow over" there.
I’m extremely disappointed and disgusted by them and their lack of response/care/empathy to something so profoundly life shattering. They have taken my hatred of them to a whole other level.
They have minimally (and I mean minimally) talked about the A with their son and/or what it has done to his family. Initially when the A first came out they had like a 30 minute phone conversation 
Ironically enough, they had a trip booked to visit the week after Dday and decided to still come. My WH took the kids and they visited with them in a hotel for the weekend - he said they talked about it a little bit, but it was hard because the kids were there (no shit).
Over the course of these past 7 months they have maybe talked about the A 2 or 3 times - nothing in great detail from what I gather. They don’t ask us how we’re doing, how counselling is/if it’s helping, how they can offer us support … NOTHING. It’s just unbelievable. The conversation via text and calls between them has dwindled significantly - it’s more like awkward, acquaintance type talk now. They had their son on this pedestal for such a long time and now the perfect image they had of him is ruined - this gives me great satisfaction (thought your son was the perfect husband and father, think again losers)m 
My parents on the other hand have continued to show up for me, my children and even for my WH. They continue to treat him with respect and care and try their best to support US in anyway they can - truly blessed to have them as my parents.
My mom and I are close and we have talked about my in-laws responses to all of this and she is just as dumbfounded as me. She told me to not "cave" and stand my ground, unlike a few years ago. I told her that if the time ever comes where I get to speak my truth to them that I wouldn’t even know where to start and I couldn’t see it going/ending well.
My WH knows exactly where I stand when it comes to them and that I’m not bending on it. I honestly think that no matter if there is a "happy ending" for me and him that so much damage has been done by my in-laws that I don’t want them apart of my life (ironically enough my WH didn’t have a relationship with his dads parents due to my MIL).
I just can’t believe how people can play pretend to this level of extremity.
11 comments posted: Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024
Independent Counseling
At 6.5 months out from Dday I have decided to try IC and I go for my first session in a couple of weeks. I had a difficult time initially finding someone who was "equipped" in this particular area. I finally found a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma and infidelity.
Honestly, I’m not really sure what I’m hoping to get from IC or if I will get anything from it. Can you share with me how IC has helped you, maybe it didn’t? What were your personal goals and what did you hope to achieve? How often did you go, for how long did you keep up with sessions, do you still attend counselling years after?
7 comments posted: Thursday, May 2nd, 2024
Should I be “thankful/grateful?”
An interesting conversation came up in a forum outside of SI. Essentially I had shared the positive changes in my WH and how I believe them to be genuine, etc … however, despite such efforts I can’t help but throw the disgust and disappointment on him everyday, making him feel the lowest of the low. I had a few people "team up" against me and told me that they would give anything to have their spouse put in that kind of effort and that I should be so "thankful/grateful" I have somebody willing to do that for me.
Made me stop and think for a second … should I be "grateful?" Part of me understands what they are saying (I get it, they are coming from a place of hurt as well). But, I feel like HE is the one that should be "thankful/grateful" that I’m here trying my best to offer him a second chance/chance of reconciliation after what he’s done.
Interested to hear other perspectives on this!
19 comments posted: Friday, April 26th, 2024
Correlation between porn and infidelity?
I haven’t done much "research" regarding this, but do you think there could be a potential link between the two? Long story short, my WH watched porn in excessive amounts starting approximately a year before the A started. He told me that because our sex life diminished to practically nothing he was sexually frustrated and would watch porn any chance he could. He said it got to the point where he wasn’t even doing anything with it anymore and that he was just scrolling through it to scroll - kinda like how I scroll through social media. He knew it was gross and disgusting, said he wanted to stop but he couldn’t/didn’t know how.
In therapy it has been brought up as a coping mechanism? Not 100% what that means, but is something that will be talked about more in depth.
On a happy note (it is Thankful Thursday after all), my WH has not watched porn since the day after DDay - he is 6 month porn free.
26 comments posted: Saturday, April 13th, 2024
Digging in deep to discover a WS “whys” …
I know finding out and getting to the deeper rooted issues of the "whys" are a hot topic around SI and being that I’m "new" to the world of infidelity I was wondering if anybody could help me understand this a bit more.
Prior to my own experience, I viewed an A based on the misconception of those you see in the movies - clearly a "real life" A is more complex then what you see in the movies.
I know their is no linear answer to this question and no set timeline for when "whys" are concretely discovered amongst a WS. I was hoping that someone would be willing to share their specific situation’s deeper rooted "whys" - maybe your a BS that wants to share what their WS has discovered about themselves (and how their going about doing the work to correct their past behaviours) or maybe your a WS who would like to share your journey to discovering your whys?
My WH and I have talked immensely about "whys" - but many are definitely more superficial/secondary reasons. I too didn’t understand (until reading posts on this site) that someone choosing to have an A is an issue within themselves, not because of their partner or M. I think my WH is starting to dig deeper and some of his "new" findings seem more deeper and about him, vs. about me or about the state of our M at the time of the A. Ultimately, I just want to make sure that he continues down a deeper discovery path and that I can also understand what behaviours/personality traits led him to his destructive choices.
7 comments posted: Tuesday, April 9th, 2024
When you have a strong/stubborn personality …
I’m looking for some advice or maybe some tips/tricks on how I can better manage my "strong" personality towards my WH.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been stubborn and bullheaded and maybe not the best at showing emotion or being emotionally available or vulnerable - clearly, the infidelity is not helping this and has created more of a barrier to letting my walls down (rightfully so). I’m just at the cusp of being 6 months out from DDay … I suppose I have decided to R with my WH … however, the decision to R on my end, I feel changes at the drop of a hat depending on my "mood" (not sure if this is normal).
My WH has made some immense changes since DDay … I won’t get into details in this post, but I truly am floored by his efforts. He is by far the definition of perfection when it comes to what he says or does sometimes, but he is giving 110% of what he knows how to and he is continuing to learn and grow. I truly am thankful that he doesn’t want to be the selfish asshole that he was not only during his bout of infidelity, but also before all of his shitshow.
Whenever my WH and I have a good day or even share an intimate moment together, I automatically then think to myself "hmmm, well I can’t have you thinking all is good and that you are forgiven because we laughed and had a good night … I’m going to be the biggest cu*t to you tomorrow because you need to remember what you have done and that you’re a POS." Then the next day(s) I proceed to make his life a living hell in any way I can … ignoring him or his texts/calls, name calling, telling him how big of a disappointment he is to everyone in his life - basically shitting on him. He takes it too, he lets me lash out and just follows up with "ILY and I’m not giving up without a fight."
I know it’s still so early and I’m going to be angry, sad and have many moments of "crazy," but I feel like I need to start to take more initiative in leading my own healing and to make more of a consistent effort if we are going to head down the path of R - from what I’ve read on SI, it takes both partners to make a successful R work.
For those of you who are strong and stubborn like me, how do you extend a little bit of grace (maybe that’s not the right word?) to a WS who is remorseful and doing his best to correct his wrongs? Everyday I think of his lies and betrayal and just want to smash his teeth in. Then there are other times I acknowledge his growth and change - if he can grow and change from this and be a better person in every aspect of his being, then I also am accountable and capable to do the same (I guess I’m just stuck in maybe a victim mentality).
14 comments posted: Friday, April 5th, 2024
Personal Closure/Statement to OW
I’ve been weighing heavily on sending a message to the POS OW who turned my life/my family’s life upside down. *Before you comment about my WH … absolutely I have been holding him accountable for his part in this, he is no innocent bystander in my eyes that’s for sure.*
I never got to approve of or be apart of a NC letter - my WH took this matter into his own hands and ended it with her the following day at work after DDay. In all fairness, I didn’t really understand what a NC letter was or how important and powerful it can be for some of us BS to be apart of it.
It wasn’t until I actually discovered who she was (physically) when I found her on FB a couple of months ago that I thought to myself … "WTF was he thinking!" She’s nearly a decade older than me, not attractive and somebody he sure as sh!t wouldn’t bat an eye at if she walked past him on the street.
Needless to say, since this discovery of who she is and that I can message her at the tip of my finger has been heavily weighing on me. I don’t necessarily want to lash out at her or give her power over me - actually I don’t really know what I want to say to her! Maybe something along the lines of "what kind of a mother/wife are you for doing this to another mother/wife" … kinda thing; keep it simple you know?
My WH did offer for us to sit down and write something together to her if it would help me. I was appreciative of his willingness to want to do that for me/with me. On the other hand it’s been almost 5 1/2 months since DDay and I feel like "what’s the point" now.
My parents and best friend are telling me to let it be now and that my WH did the "right" thing and ended it immediately and that bringing this to her attention could cause unnecessary pain for myself and cutting open a wound that hasn’t even begun to heal.
Can anyone of you here relate to my specific dilemma? What did you do or what would you do in this situation?
28 comments posted: Sunday, March 10th, 2024
Ignoring opinions of others …
How does one go about "ignoring or reading too much into" all of the pessimistic content out there regarding infidelity - you know, the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mentality. Upon finding this site and reading other people’s stories on SI, that is not in fact a true statement (I used to believe this was true prior to discovering my WH infidelity). However, as many of us here know the "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not always the case and that there are many WS out there who truly want to make a change/are in the process of making changes/have changed.
It just seems there is so much out there and because of the articles I read, pages I follow, etc. the algorithm is geared towards this type of content. Seriously, anytime I watch a reel on IG regarding infidelity and go to the comments every single person who comments posts "once a cheater, always a cheater", "once they cheat, I’m done", "run, don’t walk", "no second chances" … these types of comments are becoming kinda sabotaging to my self esteem and setting me back in my healing. I’m not intentionally seeking it out, but it finds me and I get intrigued (maybe this time I will read something positive), only to then become discouraged.
Anybody else kinda get where I am coming from or have similar thoughts/feelings about this?
11 comments posted: Monday, February 19th, 2024
How to go about notifying the other betrayed spouse?
Hello Everyone,
I’m about 4 months post DDay … I did some digging recently and was able to locate and confirm who the other betrayed spouse is (on FB). The right thing to do would be to tell him (I know I would want to be informed if the shoe was on the other foot). I’ve been told by my WH that the OBS was aware of what was going on and didn’t care (my WH told me that that is what she told him .. my WH did mention to me that he can’t 100 percent verify if that’s the truth from her and that there is the possibility that her spouse doesn’t know). Apparently, the OW and her spouse are only together for the "kids" and that she is continually pushing her husband to sleep with other people (again, this is apparently what she told my WH)
Maybe this is true, maybe it isn’t. Apart of me wants to leave it because I can’t handle anymore stress right now and also my emotions aren’t as heightened as they were 4 months ago and opening up this can of worms is going to put me over the edge, but then what if he has no clue what went on … he has to know!!! What do I do, how do I go about navigating this?!
11 comments posted: Friday, January 26th, 2024
What did the betrayal mean to you?
I have a big ask of all of you BS’s, whether you have recently discovered (like myself), reconciling, divorced, etc - what impact did the betrayal have on you?
I’m working on writing a letter (an exercise recommended in therapy) to read to my WH. Essentially to capture what his betrayal has done to me, any personal learnings from this, hopes, loss/grief, struggles, etc.
I have a pretty solid "list" going currently, but would love to hear what some of you might say/have said to your WS if you wrote them a letter containing the impact of the betrayal and what it has done to you.
Boy oh boy do I want this letter to rock his core and hit him hard!
12 comments posted: Sunday, January 21st, 2024
5 weeks post DDay … looking for advice
Hello!
This is my second post here. My DDay is very recent, just 5 weeks ago. Obviously, I’m still in complete shock that I am here and that this has even happened. I never thought that in a million years we would be this kind of couple that would have to worry about infidelity (I guess never say never).
Reflecting on these past weeks, I feel like already so much has happened that I’m not able to process it all effectively. I know that it’s still extremely early, but at the same time it feels like this nightmare has been in play for years! My emotions are all over the place and I hate it. I hate that one minute I’m fine and the next I’m so angry - anger is the strongest emotion I am experiencing right now.
I used to judge people in my shoes and would shake my head at those who chose to stay in a relationship/marriage where infidelity has taken place. Well let me tell you, I will never judge anybody who is in a situation like this ever again. I’ve also learned that every marriage/situation is different, every relationship is different and what works for you might not work for someone else.
With that being said, my initial reaction on D-Day was automatic D, like how am I supposed to ever forgive and trust someone who could betray me in such an awful way!? After talking with my WH and getting things figured out as much as they can be right now, I have a better understanding/more clear understanding of what/why it happened.
I won’t get into the nitty gritty of my marriage issues for this particular post, other than that it was not in a good place and we were in a toxic state for such a long time.
Anyways … the reason for this particular post is how can I start to move forward in R (at least I think this is what I want, I think this is achievable given our situation, but of course I have doubts like anyone would). I’m having such a hard time actually wrapping my head around that this has happened, that my husband made the choices he did and that he has come to some sort of realization how important his family is to him and that he doesn’t want to lose us.
Over the course of these weeks (I know it’s not a long time and that he has forever to go), I can see that he wants to change and be a better husband/father. He’s been putting in the time and effort with us, whereas he made himself his number one priority before all of this. Again, his efforts and mentality is kinda frustrating in some ways, because it took him straying from his family to make him realize what he had or what he could potentially lose?! Like I don’t get it?!
I know that to successfully move forward with R that I cannot "throw" his mistakes/choices into his face. I’m not gonna lie, I feel like I’ve done this pretty much daily since DDay - part of the reason is that I’m processing it all and the other part is I want to reiterate to him how badly he’s hurt me/his children. We are both emotionally exhausted, I would like to believe that he has answered my questions honestly (some TT has happened) and has willingly shared additional information I never asked for.
How can I stop "throwing this in his face" because it’s not healthy for me or him. I obviously still need to talk about it as I feel it helps me process my emotions. Any tips on how to not "throw it" in his face everyday or any suggestions on how to effectively talk about? There is no yelling or screaming or anything like that, but I’m a very sarcastic person and I am forever making digs at him whenever I get the chance - again I know this isn’t the right thing to do either and I need to stop this behaviour.
He also has mentioned that while he knows that it needs to be talked about, he’s asked if maybe there could be a day here and there where we can "take a break" and not talk about it. Again, I get it and understand where he is coming from, but it is literally all I think about. I also feel kinda weird just talking about normal day things/life - I almost feel like we are rug sweeping when we talk about things other than his infidelity. I know that it’s not what we are doing, but I still feel like this is minimizing what happened in some way.
Ok. Now I’m just rambling. Truly looking for advice I’m how to slowly start to move forward. What helped you/didn’t help you. I’m so nervous and scared of the unknown.
13 comments posted: Saturday, November 18th, 2023
One week since D-Day
Like many of the posts I have read … I never in a million years thought I would be writing here. I’m not too sure on the terminology that is used in these posts, so I’m just going to spell it out the way I know how.
Without writing a novel, I will try and give the "Coles Notes" version. My husband and I have just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary (together in total for 12 years). The last 2/3 years of our marriage hasn’t been the best - once we welcomed our second daughter. Our marriage has been on a downhill slope (we both can agree to that), we stopped communicating effectively, we always fought (even over the smallest things), we never spent time together or made a true effort too … we got stuck in this routine of not being there for one another, not caring (even though we did care about each other). Our needs were never met on either end - he never helped me with the kids/house/daily little tasks and I never showed him the intimacy he desperately wanted. So much resentment built up and up and up towards him, I truly felt like I hated him. I would say that this past year (2023) things hit an all time low. For me, the resentment built up so bad that I completely shut off, I was even contemplating in my own mind calling it quits, separating and moving on with life because the life we were living was just not happy.
Fast forward to this summer, was when it truly hit me how bad things had gotten. A few months ago I started getting these very weird feelings (feelings I’ve never had before in my life), like when I would look at him, I didn’t know who this guy was standing in front of me - he felt like a stranger. We continued to be distant and not communicating. One night I decided that I needed to find out for myself if something was going on because things were just too weird and uncomfortable for my liking. So after wavering back and forth I decided to buy a recording device that and try to account for his whereabouts. I felt sick to my stomach for even considering this, but I just needed to know. So over the course of a few weeks throughout September/October I would hide it in places throughout the house where he would be, in his car … thinking I would hear something. My anxiety for those few weeks were through the roof … to my avail nothing. I was telling myself I was crazy for doing this and that I needed to stop. I was going to stop.
Now this is going to bring you to the events that led up to the discovery. Last Monday (October 9) we had a long 2-3 hour talk essentially about how we needed to be better and do better … let’s turn a new leaf because we love each other kind of talk. Ironically in this conversation I had asked him twice if there was something he needed to tell me or get off his chest. I flat out asked if there was something he wanted to tell me, if there was anybody else. He said no, there is nobody else (not gonna lie, he didn’t sound too convincing) and that I’m the other person he has ever loved - he has never given me a reason to doubt him so I let it be.
Over the next couple days, things were going good, we were off to a new start (or so I thought). Wednesday night (Oct 11) hit and then we kinda had another little tiff and he told me "he didn’t want to get into it right now" (neither did I). After this little episode, I decided to put the recording device in his car.
D- Day (October 12) I was on pins and needles all day. Waiting patiently for him to get home so I could go grab the recorder. I went and grabbed it, went to a private place to play through it all and heard something I can never unhear. He pulled up to some woman’s house and asked "you got some time" … a few minutes later I heard it! I f*#%ing heard it! I flew upstairs up to the bedroom where he was. Pushed the door open and yelled "you’re cheating on me". He looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He face changed his voice changed and he was denying it. I threw the recorder at him and told him what I had been doing and he better not deny it. He starts back peddling, saying it was only blowjobs, it didn’t mean anything … blah blah blah. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I kicked him out. He slept in his car in the driveway.
I called my parents and best friend. My best friend was a doll and came to spend the night with me while I was trying to process what happened. My mom came the day after to be with me and my kids (just left yesterday actually).
It’s been an entire 7 days since this has come to light. The details of what my husband have told me of this "mistake" or so he calls it include:
- it started in august
- met at a grocery store (saw each other there a couple times)
- she asked for his number, he gave it to her
- they met for coffee to talk about their marriages (apparently they are going through similar marital issues)
- he honestly didn’t mean for it to get where it did, but then they would do things in his car
- he was sick, got rid of her number and was trying to ghost her, but she was threatening him that she was going to tell me
I’m still processing. He told me that it meant nothing. He was scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me, he didn’t want "this" to happen. On D-Day he said it was over (but it didn’t sound over, he couldn’t tell me why he did what he did that day, but it happened).
What I’m having a really hard time with is that just a few days prior we were "turning a new leaf" (or so I thought), Thursday comes and then bam. I’m having such a difficult time processing what happened it just a few short days. He said that he was ending it because he couldn’t go on like this anymore (not sure what to believe) … he apparently went there the day after to tell her that it was over, I found out (apparently she was threatening to come to me and it scared my husband so he didn’t know what to do - again, how do I believe this).
For the past week he has been sleeping in his car in the driveway. He doesn’t want to leave because he wants to be close to us. I can see the remorse in his face and he is begging and pleading me to give him a chance to show him that our marriage can be better than it ever was before … blah blah blah. I know he loves me, I know he cares about me … but why did he make these life altering choices?! Our marriage was awful yes, but I still made choices to not do what he did.
I’m venting here. Not sure what I’m looking for. Do I work with him? Do I let him spend the rest of his life making this up to me? Do I start my exit process? I think of my kids and how bad I feel for them, I never ever thought this would be my life, that this would be the life for them. There are times when I want to work towards something and I agree that maybe things can be better than before, but on the other hand I don’t know how I can move past the betrayal. One thing is for certain, that this whole ordeal is not my husband at all. This is not his character.
What do I do, where do I start?! I’m beyond confused.
19 comments posted: Thursday, October 19th, 2023
