SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HellIsNotHalfFull

I hope you don't write off SI - or any other place that can help you move forward in life.
Having someone(s) to bounce ideas off of and also just to write out is going to help your decision making and - not kidding anyone - you are facing some really tough decisions. I've said many times - that life often gives us bad choices and an alternative is often worse. So you chose to stay and protect your kids. Not a single person of account will fault that decision.

The decision so many want to see is based on their prejudices - don't get to wound up - learn to shut out "noise" that is happening. Hard to do but try . . .

"We" only know what you post in regards to all things that affect your choice in how to move forward given the SXXXSHOW in which you are embroiled.

I have appreciative that you are sacrificing some of your own comfort for taking care of your offspring. It is a tough situation I would not like to find myself facing. You are doing fine in my book.

I grew up without a "father" in the house - so I envy those who were raised with parents of high integrity and devotion to family.

You are a hero for your kids. Keep it up!!!!!!!!

Peace

Member to member -

...I also had hoped that i had established myself enough that I could be able to post an update and not basically be told I have failed.

It may be because you have established yourself that some people have confronted hard.

In any case, I'm all for confronting or arguing with a member when they are undecided. Once someone tells us what they decided, though, I think they're entitled to either explicit support by those who agree with the decision or to silence from those who don't.

My own approach is not merely to get out of infidelity. I recommend paying a lot of attention to what you get yourself into. I don't want people to jump from a frying pan into a fire.

The abuse of your child by the ap may mean that your path may need to be outside the norms.

So thanks for the update. My reco is to keep tabs on yourself and your kids - on your W, too, I guess - and remember 1) that you've made the best decision you can at this point, and 2) that you can change course pretty much any time you want to.

Don't get me wrong. I think you probably are stifling yourself, and that's usually not the best choice. But like some of the responders, I hope this works out well for you. After all, you know your sitch better than anyone here does, and you get to choose. You're obviously intelligent, and you obviously have considered more factors than many of us do.

I've seen a lot of BSes make decisions like yours and come back saying it didn't work. I don't remember reading any I-told-you-sos. And if your decision does work well, we're interested. So I hope you keep updating us when you think of it. And if you want support, ask for it.

I don’t know that there is a singular culture here — I tend to see 3-4 groupings of people who healed in different ways and one group that really hasn’t healed much at all.

I know of happy R groups, unhappy R groups, very happy D groups and yes — I know a lot of unhappily divorced people too. I tend to suggest people only stay if their M can be built into something worthy of staying, but there are other paths forward.

I’m for all of us finding a way to the other side of the horror show of infidelity.

It sounds like you currently have a unique solution. You’re finding some level of peace with it, and that tends to allow for some room to heal up a bit. I think that’s a good thing.

Thank you for mocking me and insulting my intelligence and agency. Just terrific support group here.

If I thought people only made poor choices due to lack of intelligence, your sarcastic response might make sense. I don’t believe that at all. I have no reason to believe you are of low intelligence. I confess, I simply cannot fathom, FOR ME, any case where I’d stay with a wife who subjected my kids to what your wife did. I am not your judge.

It could well be that your wife’s character is such that the very best thing for your kids is for you to remain in a position (staying in a “business only” M) to stay close 100% of the time in order to protect them. If that’s the case, I commend you for your sacrifice.

Looks like I wrongly assumed you wanted feedback for your decision to stay with your spouse. I didn’t mean it as the grave insult you took it as.

Edited for typos.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 11:15 PM, Sunday, October 13th]

You do you. It’s your life. They are your children. The only thing that worries me about your decision is that it does not allow you love and affection from someone who thinks you are special. Humans need positive people in their lives. Adults need affection. If you and she are only sharing house space you two might agree to "open" the marriage. I am not talking about the kind where you and she "share" the marriage bed. I am talking about you finding hobbies where you might meet a woman who interests you. Even though there is no piece of paper the fact is you are divorced. There is no marriage there anymore. You have a roommate. Roommates date other people. Do not deprive yourself of happiness. This is your one life.

HellIsNotHalfFull,

I understand that this is your life, and you alone decide how to live it. I also understand that you felt like you didn't get enough support here, and this seems to be true. Now, if you told your best friend the same story you told here, that you tried to reconcile with a wife whose AP abused your kid (your wife probably still doesn't believe this happened) and after that didn't work, you decided to remain married to her, what would your friend say to that? Would his advice be similar to what you received here?

HINF,

I’ve been keeping an eye out for updates from you and wondering how you were getting on.

I’m sorry you feel like you aren’t getting support here. I’ve often felt myself that sometimes people can be harsh with their words, but I think mostly it comes from a good place, and is out of concern.

Not everyone follows the same path and it’s hard to choose your own when everyone is telling you what you should be doing. Truth is we only know what you’ve told us, and obviously there will be more than we can know.

Only you know what is best for you and your kids, who are obviously your priority. I think I’d probably feel the same as you and want to stay if it meant that separating meant the kids would be with the WS more, especially given your circumstances.

I just wanted to stay that I really wish you the best, and whatever you decide, I hope that you can find some peace and some form of happiness within yourself within that decision.

WARNING – This thread has a lot of content that very close to breaking site Guidelines.
Please show respect, and refrain from flaming or shaming other posters.
If in doubt then refresh your knowledge of the Guidelines.

If you can’t offer the original poster support then please refrain from posting on this thread.

I think the most "concerning" thing is, your wife behaves poorly gets found out then resumes her poor behaviour and basically because she is no longer "rocking the boat" or openly engaging in poor behaviour, the consequences cede.

Just a question? What about you happiness? Can you not be happy without her. What is too much for you to finally pull the cord?

Are you looking for R?

Several months ago, I said she was a horrible mom. I got a lot of shit for that. I even retracted my comment,saying ok,maybe she didnt know her boyfriend hit your kid.

Now we know she continued the affair, even after knowing he abused the child.

So..she's a shitty mom. Period. Point blank.

That should have been a deal breaker. And, in many ways, I think it was.

Honestly, I don't blame you for what you're doing now. As you said, 50/50 custody would be difficult because of your job. And, even with that she would still expose them to terrible men. Maybe not ap. But terrible men. With this current arrangement, at least you know the kids are protected.

So, I get it. We all stay for different reasons. I've stayed after dday2. Lots of reasons that others may not feel are important, but they are to me..and it's my life. I don't post about my situation, for a few reasons. One being,I know I will get comments that aren't helpful. There is a running joke about the cheaters handbook...but there is an SI handbook as well. And, those who do things differently are told they're doing it wrong. Lol. I actually think I used to be one of those members, if I'm honest. However, I've been at this for nearly 15 years. What I've found is we BS do what we think is best for our situation. Not everyone has a remorseful ws, by SI standards. I have a remorseful ws by MY standards. He's sorry. He's doing the work I need him to do. But he's not perfect. He's trying. As long as I see his effort,i stay. There are also many many other reasons I stay,but I won't go into that. My point is,no one here knows what you're dealing with. You do. Do what's best for you.

That being said..you must stop defending her. Who tf cares if she seems sorry? She wasn't sorry when you didn't know. She was telling ap she loved him. She loved him, despite hearing the pain in your sons voice over the abuse he suffered because she exposed him to a monster. And she continued to love that monster.

So..frankly..fuck her.

Stay..but set hard boundaries. No sex. No love. She's not your friend. Prepare for the next dday..because it's coming. Make plans. This isn't a sustainable situation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:30 PM, Monday, October 14th]

Also, I don't post here very often,anymore.

My filter is pretty much broke. And I don't want to be banned.

There are a handful of people I check on..you, OH, IH..etc.

I think you are doing the best you can,with the shit sandwich she's fed you. Aren't we all?

You have my support,my friend. I understand.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:35 PM, Monday, October 14th]

HINHF

I hope you stick around, even if the advice isn’t what you hoped for. I get it that you will get conflicting advice, and some might believe that the best way to get their well-intended message across with the digital-equivalent of a drill-down. Keep three things in mind though:
For one, it’s (probably) well intended – even if rough.
Second: Even if it hurts to read, there might be some truth in it.
Third: What I often do is read the persons recent posts. If they have an agenda, then at least I know that agenda and can read their contribution with that in mind.

I can’t tell you if you should D or R, but I will strongly suggest you move on before your sink too deep in your present pot of marital-misery. To help you possibly do that then consider the following:

Deal with your situation from a position of truth and reality.

It’s too common IMHO that people deal with their reality based on fear, wishful thinking or fantasy and I fear you are doing that...

Like your reasons for not having filed and that you want for a top-level attorney...
Are those true reasons or are they excuses?
Not saying you should have filed – but rather... don’t hide behind something you think you can’t do when in fact you could have done both or either.
It’s like saying you would go on a diet, only if you didn’t get so hungry.

Honestly – Really evaluate the following and use truths and logic rather than unbased assumptions:
What is divorce like in your state? Frankly – I think that for the "average" Jack and Jill the difference in the result would probably not vary more than +/- 10% between states. Of course, if you have a complex marital-estate (think stocks, trust-funds, companies etc) it might get harder, but I’m guessing ANY semi-competent attorney in your area can give you a 90% accurate guestimate on the final outcome – irrespective of if he’s the "best" or just Joe Law who does divorce in his office at the nearby strip-mall. Hanging on for that "top attorney" might be like wanting the Rolls Royce dealership to fix your Ford.
You might not think it fair she gets part of your pension or whatever... but even the divorce-counterpart of Matlock won’t get you an exception from whatever your state-laws say.

The excuse of the finances and all that... What has happened in the last years to make the finances any better or clearer for divorce? If you divorce, it will make some life-changes to you and your then-ex-wife, but people do divorce and make it fine. Are you sure you are not using this as an excuse?

Then the clause in the what-sounds-like-an-agreed-upon divorce settlement that the AP isn’t allowed near the kids... Is that really enforceable? It generally isn’t – not unless the protection order prevents him from being around, but that’s the protection order and not a clause in the divorce. Once again – I’m asking you to deal with reality rather than fear, wishful thinking or fantasy.

Why are you working 12 hours? Could it be to support a more expensive lifestyle than if you were single with your kids half the time? If you had custody every second week – could you pull off 6x12 hour every-other week and then trim to a healthier 8-hour week when the kids are with you? I actually manage a guy that does that – when he has the kids he sometimes only does 4 hour days, but he more-than makes up for it when alone.

Today – are you spending half your time with the kids? Granted 12 hours is half the day so I guess you are home 12 hours, but do you spend ALL that time with the kids?
What age are they? Do they need 24/7 overseeing or is the really important part of being with your kids really "BEING" with them when you are with them. As in sitting down for dinner and talking, or are you coming home or in the home-office til late in the evening and gone before they go to school?

Be honest to yourself – what are real reasons and what are excuses for inaction?

Please don’t read the above as a suggestion that you do divorce.
I have a strong belief in redemption – that most people can change and make amends. I have no reason to believe that your wife can’t make the changes needed to become the wife you want. But I don’t really think you want a marriage that is based on some limbo imposed by potential threats and fears.
But I have an equally strong belief in that our happiness is in our own hands, and that if our partner can’t offer what we need... we are a lot better off seeking it elsewhere. Of course, by first leaving what is causing us unhappiness.

I would suggest the following:

Let your wife know of your uncertainty. How uncertain you are that divorce is your correct (YOUR – not her or the marriage – YOU) course, but that you are willing to go there rather than remain in this present limbo.
Ask her what she wants. Ask her how she envisions divorce. Does it line up with the REALITY you should have gotten by now.
Based on that the two of you might be able to formulate a plan to move on. That "move on" could be to find an amicable and acceptable way to divorce or separate, or it could be a plan to reestablish a marriage. Either way would be IMHO a lot better than the quagmire I fear you might be getting used to and comfortable in.

Finally – about "protecting" your kids...
Keep in mind that your kids will probably base their future relationships on what they see modeled before them.

Finally – about "protecting" your kids...
Keep in mind that your kids will probably base their future relationships on what they see modeled before them.

True. Kids do tend to grow up, and model what they saw at home.

What a horrible position his cheating wife has put them all in.

He can stay,as he is, and the kids see dad sleeping in a different room, because mom isn't safe for him..or them...or he can file,probably get less custody because of his schedule, and mom will move on to another horrible man who possibly abuses them..or her..and they get to grow up seeing that example. After all..it's said on SI if a ws doesn't work on themselves, they remain the person they were when they cheated. So history very well could repeat itself.

Sometimes protecting the kids is a double edged sword. Does he stay, and show an example of a less than loving marriage that is no longer abusive? Or file,and risk the kid's safety with a woman who continued to love,and touch, a man who hit her child?

Sometimes cheaters leave us with shit choices. We all are doing the best we can. Is it ideal? Lord,no. But it's the best we can do with the shit choices we have been given.

HNHF..you're doing the best you can with the shitty choices SHE gave you. No, the kids aren't seeing a great example of a marriage. But they know dad will protect them. Dad will keep them safe..even from their own mother,and her horrid choices. They know they have one parent they can count on.

HINHF,

I apologize for the tone in my previous posts. I'd like to say what I said but this time more constructively, and acknowledging the possibility that you may be staying in the marriage solely for your kids' safety.

1. The first thing is, you are actually contradicting yourself in your OP. On the one hand, you say you are staying with your WW for your kids and to keep them safe. Fine. But then on the other hand, you say that if your WW disrespects you one more time, you will walk i.e., file for D. Well but which is it. Those are two completely different paths. If you are staying for your kids and their safety, then it is probably (mostly) irrespective of what your WW does, and then (going by lots of past behaviour) you should expect disrespect from your WW and your goal should be to just keep it to a tolerable level, until you feel the kids are old enough for you to go for D. Staying for the kids mostly means protecting your kids from WW's crazy (and this includes keeping strange men away from them) and getting to be with them more. Your M becomes like IHS or a business relationship. I think that deep down though, what you are really hoping for is yet another attempt at R again (with a spouse who is NOT remorseful) and so in your OP it appears that you are folling yourself. Your "if she disrespects me again I will walk" (I'm paraphrasing) actually hints at that. As well as your past threads too.

2. Even if your goal is to stay for the kids, is this really for the best for them. Your kids are modelling what they should expect from marriage from looking at you. Not to mention the abuse from WW and AP and this makes it exponentially harder. There is an enormous amount of trauma that needs to be processed here which involves abuse by their own mother, and if you are brushing that aside by even entertaining R with their abuser then that could be extremely damaging.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:58 PM, Thursday, October 17th]

HNHF, is it possible that you are directing the anger you feel toward your wife/situation at the members here?

I'm sorry you don't feel supported bc not every member who responded didn't agree with your decision, it's your decision to make but honestly I think all the members come from a place of concern and all responses had some great food for thought.

I truly wish you well. I understand how isolating it can feel when a group of well meaning, yet internet strangers give opinions on your choices in life. They make assumptions based on what they feel is best for THEM, THEIR desires and
THEIR kids. I have read your story and believe you are strong minded and intelligent enough to know what is best for you now and if that changes you can figure that out as well. I also don’t believe that cheaters can’t also be good parents. They can be good imperfect parents and I dare say most kids are better off even with an imperfect parent in their life. I am reconciled, but initially stayed for my kids and lifestyle. Those two things were far more important to me than finding a New Romantic relationship. That’s how I am wired and I had to ignore the naysayers who just knew I was making the wrong decision simply because my needs and desires are vastly different than theirs. I will also add that the assumption that your living situation will model an unhealthy relationship for their future only acknowledges one side. It will also model one of sacrifice, love, and mercy even to those who may not deserve it just yet. I’ve met many adults who grew up with parents sleeping in separate bedrooms and although the kids knew it was unusual they were happy to have both parents in the home. Let’s be honest, the ship has sailed away when it comes to modeling a healthy relationship once infidelity is involved. So maybe the best we can do is model behavior where the kids see us choosing what is best for ourselves at the time. And yes, sometimes (often) what’s best for our kids is what’s best for us. I am first and foremost a mom prioritizing that role over being a wife and this was true before D day. I am happiest when my kids are happy and safe. It’s my happy place. Please, be well.

This isn't a "she's a cheater so she's a bad parent" situation.

She brought ap into the home. He abused OPs son,physically. I don't think all the details were shared,but the child was absolutely hurt,scared, and traumatized. When he finally spoke,he told his mom what had happened. It sounded gut wrenching. She heard what her son said,and chose to continue her affair with a man who hit her son,scared him,and traumatized him. IIRC, he also made threats,to keep the child quiet. She knew all of this...and continued to be in an affair with this monster.

I guess some may think she's a good mom..but not many.

This wasn't the boy's father. It was her side piece. It would have been super easy to drop him,considering the circumstances. She chose a monster who abused her son,over her child. As a former child, who grew up in a violent home, I can tell you..my mom may have loved me..but she didnt protect me. She was told what he did to me..and she chose to keep him in her life. All the love in the world doesn't matter, when your a child,and mom chooses to also love the abuser. His wife made a clear choice...and she didnt choose her child.

@Hellfire

You do not have a filter issue, you have the natural reaction to this situation that is beyond vile.

There are behaviors that are unforgivable, to allow the wife's boyfriend into the house where je physically assaults the child and the wife then chooses her boyfriend over her traumatized son is beyond pale.

To ask for support in any defense of the WW in this matter is frankly unacceptable to any decent person.

Agreed.