Though my story isn't as devastating as those of you who have children, have a home, have had a long marriage and are interlocked in life in every way, I feel like my entire world has shattered in a matter of minutes. I found out two days ago that my husband of three weeks had chatted with around 40-50 women during the years 2018, 2019 and 2020. Most of the conversations went nowhere, he'd say hi or give compliments with minimal responses. The most real "action" I saw was him trying to ask a girl out "for a walk" in one of his last times on the app, but turned out the girl lives on another continent. He did give her his Snapchat but I don't know where it went from that. He says nothing physical ever happened with anyone but didn't deny that it was his intention or that it would have escalated had he found someone willing. I still have a feeling he only admitted to (after a LOT of denial) what I had proof of, and there is something more.
We have been long distance for the entirety of our 5yr relationship, and just started working on getting me a visa to move to his country as his wife. Nearly all of his chats with these women were before we met in person for the first time, from the day we started texting to early 2019. We met physically in summer 2019. I did find him talking to women in late 2020, however, I believe once in September and October each, and a couple of women in November, incl. him trying to take the aforementioned foreign girl out.
We've had a rocky relationship in the past because he has had MAJOR trust issues from being cheated on in the past. Deep insecurities, doesn't think he's attractive, thinks I deserve better, always expressed fear that I would get sick of him and leave him one day. I have heard "Please don't leave me." randomly more times than I can count. His anxiety would lead to him making accusations that drove a wedge between us a lot of the time. I broke up with him multiple times because of it but he was always persistent in wanting me back. However, since 2021 I'd say things have been smooth between us. Less fights, more in tune with each others' needs, romance, good sexual life (as good as it can be at a distance) and just increased excitement about our future together. I thought we'd finally reached a point of understanding and growing together and was so excited about the future. Got engaged last year. Got married three weeks ago. The past year itself has been total bliss between us, just building a future together and disagreements getting solved with mature discussions. I felt closer to him every day, as far apart as we were. I finally felt like all the pieces were coming together.
Though I started off with the rockiness, I mean it 100% sincerely when I say that I've still never felt so much love from one person nor did I know so much love could exist in one person before I met him. I felt he was devoted to me since day one. We talked every. single. day. He would write me paragraphs on what I meant to him and what he felt for me in such a short time. I'd write back. After some months we started video chatting and have done that every. single. night. since. I could always feel the love in his voice, in his excitement to see me every day (and upset when he couldn't), in his passion when planning what we would do on our first meeting. When I met him in person for two weeks in summer 2019, I was ENAMORED. He'd gotten us a beautiful apartment, grocery shopped, proceeded to take me out every night though he worked manual labor during the day and was exhausted, took me on a road trip and we did so many romantic activities. This romance of his has continued throughout, whether he's the one flying me out or flying to be with me; thoughtful gifts, spa days, surprise visits and so much love I could feel was blooming between us. Even if we weren't together for Valentine's day, he'd always send flowers to my door. To me it was undeniable that he was 1000% committed to me no matter what we went through; he was in love and ready to do anything and EVERYTHING to make us work, to make me feel loved and appreciated even at such a great distance. He's no rich man either - just your average laborer which made it all the more valuable because whatever he had on hand, he saw me as a priority before he ever thought of himself. I felt the exact same way, though as a student with little money the best I could do was cards, letters, care packages from my country. None of this is to say that trips or gifts defined us, but those really are the main things we had to show our commitment to one another and we did a hell of a job using those mediums. Though, all of this is to say that I had ZERO SIGNS that he could ever be non-committed to me, that he had someone else on his mind or that he'd even consider another woman with all the effort he was making towards me and us. I NEVER, EVER thought he could want someone else. I felt like I was his everything, as he was mine. He was always there for me, my best friend, my rock, my confidante. I cried to him about my issues. He leaned on me when his father passed away, and learned to lean on me more when life was hard for him too. I had 100% tunnel vision when it came to him, I assumed nothing less from him regardless of our issues.
Fast forward to present day, I am FLOORED. The sheer amount of women is nauseating. The dates drive me insane because NOTHING was wrong between us on most of those days, it's not like he was seeking refuge from a fight with me. As a matter of fact, as I have a habit of taking screenshots of our video calls because I want to remember our regular moments, I compared the dates of these chats to my screenshots; he'd be blowing me kisses and calling me his wife, his everything on the SAME DAY as he'd try to chat up other women. He'd text me that I'm the love of his life, he's lucky I'm his and he's all mine; he'd be on the dating app on the SAME DAY.
I'M IN A TOTAL DAZE. What part of our relationship was real? What was fake? How could he fake for so long? How could someone be so sincere but live a totally different life in secret? What got me through our hardest moments was referring back to our early days and how genuine and innocent the love felt. Come to find out he was trying to talk to women the entire first year of our relationship, in addition to some months in 2020 after I introduced him to my family. I CANNOT UNDERSTAND the trouble he went through trying to be with me during lockdowns, getting interviewed at every border, getting tested every time, bringing a folder of proof of his relationship to me as a valid reason for travel; ONLY TO BE ON AND OFF DATING APPS BETWEEN HIS TRAVELS?
He came to my country this past weekend to be with me, and was extremely affectionate. It's not unusual for him to be expressive, but he kept saying "I can't believe you married me/I'm married to you." He could have been genuine. But something just felt uneasy for me. That night I proceeded to go through his phone powered by sheer intuition. I found the texts from a dating app between 2018-2020. I went for a walk to clear my head. I came back home and confronted him. He DENIED, DENIED, DENIED for 10-15 minutes. I presented him with the screenshots, he proceeded to tell me "I don't know who wrote that." I continued pressing and he finally said yes, I did it. He said he was insecure, jealous that I was getting attention from men, sometimes felt like he needed more closeness and attention that I wasn't giving. I asked what made him stop, he said he realized I wasn't going to cheat on him like he thought, that we were stable and he started feeling more secure within himself. It's funny how he says he stopped because we got stable, but I see we got stable because he stopped. Because he was projecting so much of his behaviour onto me that he just could not trust me until he stopped. He REFUSED for a long time to even entertain the thought that I wasn't cheating or capable of doing so.
We did fight a lot 2018-2019, we broke up at least half a dozen times. I spent many nights crying or not eating, not sleeping because I couldn't fathom why he was acting the way he was or why we couldn't get along when I knew we adored each other. I had my own share of toxic behaviours like silent treatments and pushing him away, initiating break ups with him due to my avoidant attachment style. I can see how that contributed to his secret behaviour. But to the extent that he did it is crazy to me. I never stepped out on him, nor jumped on anyone else during our short break ups. Over time we learned our differences were our strengths and gave more space for each other to be our true selves. We began to grow TOGETHER. It felt so amazing, like our love was just getting better with time and through the tests of distance. By 2020 he should have had no reason to be on the app. We were matured, out of the blind puppy love phase but still just as romantically in love; it was just a matured understanding that hey, i love you and i got your back forever. All the romance continued as the same throughout; neither side was lacking in love and affection.
He didn't say much when I first confronted him. I got tired of him not being able to pinpoint why he did what he did. I asked him to drive me home and we rode in silence. He pleaded that I'd stay and talk to him in the car for a bit before I leave. He said he's sorry, ashamed and was not the same guy as he was then. He said we'd been doing so good since, that we've come such a long way. That we're married now, his family loves me, there's no one that could fill my shoes. To please give him a chance to keep loving me the way he had been. I got out of the car and he carried my bags to my door. He stopped me before I went to open the door and kept pleading. Said he loves me, multiple times. To give him a chance and that he promises nothing ever happened. I said OK, as emotionlessly as I could though I wanted to burst into tears. I went inside. I saw him outside form my window, hesitating to leave. He finally left. He sent me a series of text messages when he got to the airport, pleading, saying he'll do anything, to take as much time as I need, that he's ashamed of himself, he's changed and is not the same man he was then. Insisted nothing ever happened. He has texted me that he loves me every day since then. I have not replied to a single message. I don't even know who I'm talking to, or married to anymore.
Is he a narcissist? Is he insane? Am I naive? Has he changed, as the last message was sent in 2020 and we are nearly three years out. Did he finally feel secure enough in himself to stop seeking validation, or is this behaviour just part of him & will continue? Am I supposed to get divorced after THREE WEEKS of marriage?! It's one thing to be cheated on recently, another one to have been cheated on in the past. An attempted cheating from years ago when there was zero indication is also it's own kind of mindfuck. More so when you feel like you don't even know the full truth. I just don't want to feel stupid 3, 5, 10 years down the line if he does it again. I'd have changed my entire life, moved across the world to be with this man to start a family, only to be betrayed in the end.
In some ways I wish it was cut and dry cheating so I'd have an easier time making a decision. Now I don't know if he was truly just insecure or is just a sneaky liar with zero morals who will do it again. I love this man to death. He's my best friend and we've grown so much together. I'm in agony over the thought that this would be it. I can't believe after all we've overcome that this would be it. I don't want to leave but more than that I know I don't want to make the wrong decision. I've already started seeing a therapist and will continue to do so while in NC. He's supposed to visit next month (pre-planned trip) and I'm trying to process it by myself at least until then, though I don't know if he is planning on making the trip anymore.
What do I do? How do I go about finding the full truth? Should I forgive and stay?
[This message edited by confused344 at 7:43 PM, Tuesday, August 8th]
