SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, this is my first time posting. I am 27 and have recently found out my partner of 11 years has been paying for cam girls, messaging escorts and meeting them (he swears he hasn’t actually gone through with meeting them but i don’t believe that) we have been together since i was 16 and i don’t know a life without him.

Rewind to last year, i went away with my family for a short break. He told me he was playing golf even though it was dark out. I thought it was strange so i looked at his location. I don’t think he must of realised i had it at that time. I can see he is at an address for about an hour. I knew in my gut there was something weird about that. So whenever i’d go away i would look at it, and of course he went to the same place a few times and would never mention it the next day when i asked what he did. One day i snooped on his phone, (the day after one of these times) i found messages to a random number saying ‘are you ready’ and ‘i’m downstairs’ i confronted him and he told me it was just a ‘happy ending massage’ Obviously i was disgusted and distraught and he swears he wouldn’t ever do anything like that again. i didn’t tell him about the location at this point, as i wanted to see if he would do it again.

A few days ago i went on his phone and saw screen recordings of camgirls with the same profile commenting on there. I went on the website and guessed his password. I saw he has been paying for these camgirls for over a year and spent hundreds on them. The worst thing is many messages to escorts asking for in calls.

When confronted after seeing these messages on the website, I asked him about the time he said he went for the massage, he said that was a lie and he never really went to it he just didn’t know how else to explain the messages. I said that can’t be true as i have evidence you have been a few times to the same address as i used to have your location. Only then he admits he did go but swears he only went once. I then said no, i know you’ve been a few times as i had your location for a few months and i can see you’ve been a few times. He then admits he did actually go a few times but it was only a happy ending massage.
Obviously i don’t believe any of this due to the amount of times he’s given me trickle truth.

I haven’t got the strength to see him upset and he knows that. I said i need space but then he will have a full on mental breakdown and then for some reason i feel bad. I feel like he is using my kindness as weakness and also he is saying he has a porn addiction. It does appear he does but it also feels like a slap in the face. As he has only admitted things when found out, I’m devastated and don’t know what to do. He swears he is going to change and get therapy, give me access to his bank accounts and location, but i don’t know how i will get past it. We have grown up together and i don’t know what my life looks like without him. Is there a chance it could work or will it eat away at me?

Any advice would be appreciated, sorry if i have included too much detail here. Thank you to anyone who replies to me i really appreciate it ❤️

I am so sorry you find yourself here. Please get tested right away!

Most people would say don't make major decisions for a year. I say be prepared to leave him. If he doesnt show the slightest ability to change believe him that this is who he is and what he wants for his life.

Can you get over it? Maybe. If he is truly remorseful and oconpletely puts in the work and makes mayjor changes. You MIGHT get over it. Will it always bother you. MOst likely yes.

I had a partner of 4 years in th 80s who slept with prostitutes and lied and lied and lied until I caught him He gave me mutiple stds, + lice + scabies which i didnt figure out the connection until later. When I found out, i stayed for another year due to weird circumstances (his best friend bled to death in our living room) ... it only got worse for me as he continued even through this double trauma!!.

40 years later I am STILL angry about it and we broke up 39 years ago.

Please dont stay with him for the wrong reasons- his mental hrslth it the fact that you haven't been an adult without him are not validnreasosn for you to tie yourself to him forever. Are you going to be happy living a life of always policing?

It sounds as if you have no kids and are not married- Please dont entangle yourswlf mire and make it harder to get away later. Those man is not safe hr has endangered your health and lied to you for years.

Sending strength and love. ❤️

You are living with danger. Every time he has sex with someone he is having it with everyone the woman has. Then if he gets a STI, you get it. If you want children your chances go down with STIs. Look at your reality, not your hopes.

I am so very sorry this has happened to you. Please see a therapist who can help you deal with this is a realistic way.

So sorry you had to find us.

As LizzieJ said, get STD testing right away and don’t have unprotected sex with you Wayward boyfriend until he also is tested AND shows you the results. Cheaters lie, and then they lie some more, so verify he got tested. His attitude here will tell you a lot.

Dating is a long interview for marriage. He has been failing at the interview here for a long time. He lies (golfing after dark? Doesn’t even lie well), puts your health at risk, and is disrespecting you and your relationship.

Unfortunately he now knows how you tracked him, so he will block that soon if he hasn’t already. And he has already shown the very common WS behavior of minimizing to try to do damage control, so do not be surprised when you learn more has happened. (Minimizing is the "it only happened once"…until you learn more then he will reluctantly admit to more. ). And he is manipulating you with his tears b/c he knows you will cave in.

Read in the healing library about the 180 and implement it. You need mental distance from him to allow you to think straight without his manipulations. IGNORE HIS WORDS— he’s been lying and manipulating you. Actions are what matters. Has he set up IC (individual counseling) with a CSAT expert? What has he actually DONE to change?

Is there a chance he will change? sure. But he would need to move mountains and really change- and that takes YEARS. If you didn’t catch him, he would be continuing to ramp up his behavior (if he hasn’t already and just not admitted to it yet). And, gently, do you want to risk building a family with a guy who has been cheating on you for years?

Please read all the pinned posts in this forum and scroll back a few pages for the posts with bulleyes. Definitely read the posts relating to remorse vs regret. Read in the healing library. Look for posts about the 180 to give yourself that mental space. AND look for a trauma-informed therapist (IC) for YOU— this is a trauma and they can help you gather your strength to see things clearly and do what you need to do,
Meanwhile, ignore his words and watch is actions. Words are cheap, and he may be hoping you forgive and sweep all this under the rug.

Hang in there - you will get through this.

I'm sorry you are in this turbulent situation.

You can't envision a life without him, but is he the prize you deserve? Someone who has betrayed you for nearly half your life? Who is thinking so little of you that he may have exposed you to potentially life-altering STDs?

I gave my WH a second chance when he wasn't doing the work to change. Deep down I knew that, but I couldn't imagine being without him and was in love with the person I wished he was. When DD2 happened, I finally ended things and divorced him, but in the meantime I'd given him twelve more years of my life.

Don't be me. Wishing you good luck.