SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

About a week ago, I discovered why my wife of 12 years was staying up late at night in bed on her phone for the last month.

Over the last month she had become distant and uninterested in being around me or our 2 children. She suffers from depression, so i thought it was a depressive episode that has tended to last a couple weeks before she came back to regular.

I pretended to sleep and was able see that she was texting someone. I could feel my heart pounding and was sure she would be able to hear it. After a bit of time, I saw something to do with "kids" in the text and that's when I confronted her and asked who she was texting. She very quickly deleted what was on her phone in a matter of split seconds.

I asked to see her phone and she begrudgingly passed it to me. The messages had been deleted by the next person in her messages list was a good friend of hers. I opened that chat and immediately saw her message to her female friend that, in 2 days time, upon me being away for 2 days, she was planning on having another guy at our house to have sex with. Needless to say, I canceled my trip.

This was the beginning of long night of questions, and lies.

After a couple days of more questions and not getting answers, I stepped back from myself and recalled a name of a new guy at her work. I asked if it was him and she admitted it was.

She was adamant that nothing physical had ever happened but they were planning on it, as per her message to her girlfriend. She even went so far as to say (repeatedly now) that she wished it had happened.

I spoke to this guy over the phone and I seemed to get more honesty from him than from her and he was adamant that she was the one pursuing her and that since the affair was discovered that it was done.

About a week goes by of her telling me it's done and that they are not talking nor have they and she had been providing her phone to check when asked. I learned from her phone that she had been using a new messaging app for between 1 and 3 hours per day. She wasnt talking to me that much. I checked the app and discovered that she had forgotten to delete a telephone call notification from the other guy.

Confronted again....admits that she was talking to him but just as "friends".

After a few hours she tells me that she is done! Done with what I say, she says him. Ok

A further look at her phone and her messages to her girlfriend would seem to indicate that she is, at least at this time, being truthful about what took place between them, her lies to me, and her being done (as indicated by her asking her girlfriend how to get over the other guy).

I love and have loved my wife dearly since we have met. I love our small family. She knows the depths of my love for her, again as indicated in a message to the other guy that "he loves me beyond anything".

I don't sense much remorse from her. If anything it seems that she is more hurt about losing this other guy, even though it had only been a month. she claims that she only saw him as a friend but wanted to have sex.

She is starting to get frustrated with me asking to see her phone (maybe once a day or after she is exhibiting behaviour similar to when she was messaging him such as hiding in the room etc.). She asked me today what i want, I told her honesty, transparency, her to work with me to fix this. When I asked her the same, she responded she wants things to be normal. She says she loves me and "would never leave" me.

The rollercoaster of feeling and emotions makes things difficult to navigate.

I understand from doing a lot of reading since Discovery that the movie response of instant remorse and wanting to work things out is not realistic.

What has been others experience with timelines with their WS?

Am I expecting too much?

thank you in advance for the opportunity to vent on here with you who have similar experiences and also for any advice.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that your life has been touched by infidelity. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources for you. We encourage new members to read the posts pinned at the top of the forum and the ones with bull's eye icons. I recommend the one on consequences.

If you have trouble with depression or anxiety, please see your doctor for some meds. IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful, and bonus points if they also have infidelity listed as a specialty.

Your WW (wayward wife) still is stuck in the affair fog, which is a nicer phrase than saying she has her head stuck up her ass. My XWH (wayward ex-husband) was in the fog for a good three months before he snapped out of it. Not going to lie, her saying she wished it had happened is not a good sign. She isn't even sorry.

You may want to see a lawyer or three to see what D would look like. Not saying you have to make any decisions or D, but it will give you knowledge and knowledge is power. Plus, she then can't use them due to conflict of interest issues.

To consider R (reconciliation), she needs to show full electronic transparency. She goes NC (no contact) with AP (affair partner). Anyone who is not a friend of the M (marriage) is gone, including the girlfriend she was texting. She needs to find a new job. Read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages, but is an easy read. The book is a nice blueprint. Even though I'm the BS (betrayed spouse), I read it in a couple hours. Another good book that you both can read is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. And set boundaries that you feel are important.

Sometimes it isn't just the A (affair) that breaks the M, it's the lies and trickle truth afterward.

Thank you Leafields for your reply. It's a lonely world being in this position and as such, I cant express how much I appreciate that there is such as site as this and people like yourself.

I've done nothing but read and research and listen to podcasts since discovering this, to the point which my WW says I;m just driving myself crazy.

I cant agree more with you that her wishing it had happened is not good. she fully admits it is selfish but still alludes to wanting or having me "allow" her to explore a one time sex tryst.

I've been clear that if that were to happen we are done, and she kinda kicks the can down the side walk. Seems very childish to me but I guess I don't fully understand or comprehend what's going on in her head.

I've been to see a therapist already and have future appointments. She has her first appointment tomorrow. When requested to attend couples therapy/marriage counseling together she becomes quite reluctant and stonewalls.

Would it be crazy to just make and appointment and tell her i've made one and expect or hope that she comes along?

this is all so new, that things just keep rolling in.

She has just asked me via text, if as a birthday present to her, i could rent her a hotel room to go through with the having sex with this other guy (because its only about the sex she says) because then, in her words she would "know if it's a one and done" or if she wants to be alone.

This is immediately after she texted me that she loves me, loves our family, loves our house, loves our comfort and our security.

She has long suffered from depression and other believed mental health issues. I just cant help but wonder if this is a combination of the affair and the mental health or if people can actually be like this.

im absolutely flabbergasted by the audacity of her request.

The general knowledge on this site is that marriage counseling (MC) should come after the wayward has had individual counseling (IC) and has learned some of the why’s about her wayward thinking. The marriage didn’t cause her to pursue an affair. After she resolves her willingness to blow up her family and violate her vows, then maybe MC can help with things like communicating.

I agree with all that Leafields advises. Lawyer(s), medical attention, electronic transparency. She’s also right that your wife is not remorseful.

You are doing really well considering the shock you have experienced. You are thinking clearly and asking yourself the right questions. Bigger has a good line that you may find useful when she makes noises about wanting to screw other men. He advises you say,"You are free to date other men and do anything you like. But not as my wife."

You said she suffers from depression. Does she have a bipolar diagnosis? Doing risky things, (like having sex with many partners or texting the lover while the spouse is right there next to her in the marital bed) is typical manic behavior. If she is bipolar, maybe her therapist needs to adjust her meds, or make sure she is taking them.

Know that you are not alone and you are not crazy. You will get through this.

I don't sense much remorse from her. If anything it seems that she is more hurt about losing this other guy, even though it had only been a month. she claims that she only saw him as a friend but wanted to have sex.

You won't, because she's not remorseful. How could she be when she meets some knew guy at work a month ago, and goes from zero to sex in that short amount of time. At least she's honest about saying what she wanted, while at the same time, that has to feel like a twisting of the knife to you.

If it feels like you no longer know the person you married, you should know the person you're dealing with now was always there. You did nothing to cause her to cheat. There's something broken inside her that told her cheating was a good idea. I'm sorry you're here, but you've come to the right place for help.

Thank you for the responses and advice.

Notso* that's a great line, I have sent her something along those lines just prior to reading your post. Her response was "you;re my husband and my 1st before anything or anyone"

out there

and no she has not been diagnosed with any such illness but I've long thought that she has suffered from something BPD, NPD or otherwise but in this day an age of Google-diagnosis who knows. She has never sought mental health assistance other than for depression and in our conversations about it (very much walking on eggshells bringing it up) I think she is afraid of what she might be told.

But to answer your question, re. risky behaviour, yes, she was texting this guy while laying right beside me in bed for approximately 1 month. She claimed initially that it was because "maybe I wanted to get caught".

I will do some research on the manic episodes.....thank you for this and if you happen to know more of what to look for, please feel free to contact me.

Vomitousmass, yes it very much is like knives continuing to be dug into me. It almost feels like she wants to keep pushing so that, in her own head, she wont bear the burden of ending the relationship if it comes to that.

again, thank you all.....

Friend...so very sorry for this. It is quite ballsy for her to ask you to let her have sex with another man. My suspicion is she is being highly influenced by someone, something, media, etc regarding "open relationships"....and that they are normal, good, etc.

May I ask what her, and also your, moral framework is based on? Does she have any belief in God? Does she not think marriage is sacred? Does she truly disrespect you so much she is OK asking you to connect in the most intimate way possible with a new man? How is that so?

I really like the other commenter tell you to get in touch with a lawyer. I think you should and you show tell her you are doing so. Let her start to feel the weight of what she is doing. And yes...that other man...contact his wife if she has one....for sure.

This is a moment of desperation for your wife's heart....it is being deceived greatly right now. Pray for her.

Woodthrush2, i believe you are correct....her girlfriend has had loose morals and currently is in a marriage where her husband is ok with her sleeping with other men.

Up to this point, I believed we were both of similar moral and ethical values with high regard for honesty, fidelity and respect.

The disrespect from her requests is real and I have no idea where it comes from. She certainly isn't acting like anything I've known or seen in our time together.

I pray daily, and sometimes multiple times a day for her and our family.

I fully feel there is evil at play here and have voiced that to her but I am, and she knows that i am, more spiritual in that regard.

Yes...definatly evil. This friend is being used. Very hard situation. She needs to know she is on a path of destruction. Make sure to set your boundaries. Talk to lawyer.

Martyt... I haven't commented on someone's story for a long time but yours resonated, as I was in a very, very similar situation almost 2 years ago. My wife told me that she had lost attraction for me, I knew she was "friends" with another man but she always insisted it was just that and our relationship issues were separate.

Long story short (I can send you the link to the story if it would help) she ended up admitting that she needed this "escape" or she would be leaving me, and I agreed to it.

WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.

Don't allow it, whatever you do. Sounds like your wife is going through similar midlife crisis / "Is this is?" thoughts that mine had. Once I put a stop to things she thought about leaving me anyway to continue with it, I made it clear that if she left we were done.

Your wife at the moment thinks she can potentially do this and not lose you. Unless you are OK with this (seems like you are not), be strong. I took way too long to find my strength and am still dealing with the consequences in my brain.

If she does it anyway you have your answers. Unlike many on this site, it sounds like nothing physical has happened yet, and the fact she is even asking not only makes me think of my situation, but also shows she is wrestling with her moral compass rather than just ignoring it completely like most waywards described here.

Will leave it there for now, but do continue to post and I am so sorry you are going through this situation.

Ozzy makes some really great points.

I too allowed my cheating H to call the shots after dday1. Stupidly I allowed myself to be put in a position where I was being compared to the OW. Basically I was auditioning to be remain his wife after 25 years of marriage. I was being compared to a much younger woman with no kids who was free to do whatever she wanted.

Meanwhile I had a career, kids, house etc. which was very well managed while my H traveled the world for his job. I never complained or made negative comments about his work schedule (like his colleagues spouses). He basically lived a very good life b/c I made it so damn easy for him.

Don’t waste your time with marriage counseling at this point. She’s telling you she’s not interested in putting YOU and marriage first. She wants to continue texting her Emotional Affair partner. Her priority is to get what she wants.

Your priorities are to get out of infidelity, whether the cheater stops cheating OR you separate or Divorce. You cannot live like you are, knowing she’s texting and lying and not putting you and the marriage first.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:27 AM, Thursday, November 28th]

or if she wants to be alone.

Tell her, with that request, now she gets to be alone.

She has just asked me via text, if as a birthday present to her, i could rent her a hotel room to go through with the having sex with this other guy

This is going to sound weird, but I actually feel sorry for your wife. She has to know that what she is asking for is taking your marriage to the breaking point, or even that she has broken it by just asking, and yet she asks anyway. She is obviously deeply torn between the life she is living and the life she wants to live.

It all sounds complicated, but in a way it isn’t. You either tell her no, and that she has to figure out a way to deal with that desire, tell her yes, and you have to figure out how to deal with that, or tell her yes, and move towards a divorce because you don’t want to be married to somebody like that. Just set her free.

Sorry that you find yourself here, but you’re in the right crowd, you’ve been heard.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 2:13 PM, Thursday, November 28th]

Frankly I think your priority should be to get time... To limit the damage to what has already taken place, and to prevent an escalation.
Once you have that you have breathing space for things to calm down and clarify.

To get that time I’m going to suggest a couple of things:
Why would they need a hotel room? If OM is eligible and single then why not go to his place? Maybe it’s because he too has a spouse... I encourage you to get to the bottom of that and let his spouse know of his activities. In probably 80% of instances the initial response of the OM is to terminate the affair.

Make your refusal to grant this request very clear, and that any further infidelity-behavior will erode whatever hope or wish you might have to reconcile. That if she can’t hold back then this will inevitably end in divorce.

Look – if that GF is sleeping around with other men with her husbands acceptance and knowledge... it’s not infidelity. Theoretically you and your wife could open up the marriage if that was your scene, but that decision needs deep and serious contemplation, a clear set of rules and total acceptance of both parties. Things you don’t have – and aren’t willing to do – right now.

tell her yes, and you have to figure out how to deal with that

While this may be a "possible option" in the sense of one way you could go, I’d also say it’s the worst possible advice EVER, unless you have a cuckold fetish. Listen to Ozzy and don’t make the same tragic choice he did.

I’ve told her in no uncertain terms that it’s me and the kids, our family together, or her and another guy having sex and without the marriage and family.

Her friends marriage began with infidelity and has morphed into an open marriage but one way. Hence my trepidation to accept it as open.

She knows that her having sex with another guy is a deal breaker for our marriage. Her claim now is that it wouldn’t have to be sex with her AP but just someone else to see how it is. Not sure if this is just the bargaining stage of acceptance but time will tell.

Thank you Ozzy, I’ve read much of what you have posted and it’s been very helpful.

And thank you all for your advice. This is all things that would be near impossible to discuss with friends/family in seeking advice from them.

Although I suggested she talk to her sister about where her head is at to maybe gain a clearer outside perspective. I also asked if she wanted me to reach out to her sister to which she stated "go ahead".

Contemplating doing so. But not sure yet that it’s a good idea. Although to this point there has been little in the way of consequences for her actions, except for the possibility of her no longer being in contact with the other guy. Are consequences something that can be helpful to get her out of her fog?

Well the hits just keep on coming…. I work shift work and last night was the first night of me being away since discovery.

Having a coffee this morning I ask if she had talked to him last night. No. Then admits she texted him "hi" and he texted back "hi". Then trickle truth to they just asked how eachother was doing and that was it. Of course the messages are all deleted. As are her messages to her girlfriend.

Her reason was that she was lonely….. I asked what her intention was on reaching out to him to which she stated he is just a friend now.

I told her that their"friendship" has to end if she has any intention on working things out with me.

I don’t comprehend the mental gymnastics that she is going through.

Thankfully she is going to IC this morning. Maybe that will provide her some revelation.

I’m feeling very foolish and stupid.

Uggh, you are basically having to sit back and wait while she sorts herself out, which means you are not in control. Not being in control is the worst.

So I recommend taking control of some things. The easy one is to see a lawyer and start getting educated on your options. Everything from how to D, to getting a post-nup. Alternatives for spkitting property, custody, etc. Get a free consultation, there is no downside. Only upside.

Have you vetted her counselor on their views on infidelity? The wrong therapist could end up validating her cheating mindset.