SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

hi just like to ask for some advice my wife had a 5 month affair 2 years ago i caught them using sound recorder they were in our bed obviously confronted her she denied but threatened to kick her out and she admitted it i found out she had got drunk and chatted the bloke up in front of my older children the affair started 2 weeks later via snapchat my gut said she was cheating but it took me 4 months to confirm. she treated me quite badly during the affair but i had 4 kids and did my best to stay strong and do everything for them she had said at the start of the affair she needed to go on long walks to help her mental health but that was obviously a lie as she was finding time to be with him we have been together 25 years and generally been happy and always done my best for her and the kids I've never cheated.
for the first few months it was bumpy she wouldn't leave the house and had anxiety also her family were disgusted with her and would not speak to her. she made me stay in with her and kept accusing me of seeing someone else if i went out so i stayed with her a lot and helped her through it.
about 2 months ago she changed she joined a gym and started going out a lot more seemed like any excuse to be out of the house we hardly seen much of each other as she said she needed this to help her mental health we had no physical contact and it was just a few kisses in this time and she would go to bed early again which felt like she didn't want to be around me again. last weekend i just felt i had to say something so i asked if i could check her phone as things were not right between us again i looked on it and did not see anything but did not look that hard.
so she said that I'm to controlling and she wants to separate after Christmas i have never once cheeked her phone since the affair
and feel bad for doing so but the signs were there I'm not controlling i let her go out drinking once a month with her friends and she is free to go out anytime with friends for coffee im just so stressed and worried about the kids and the house im not a big earner and money is tight can anyone give me advice please what i can do feel really low as everyone said i should of kicked her out when I found out now it seems she's controlling me again.

Also forgot to say i got an STD from her affair and it was the hardest time of my life even felt suicidal as she was so cold and heartless at the time i feel so bad right now it was only my 50th birthday last week as well to hear this news now is a total kick in the stomach after doing everything ive done to be a good husband to her my oldest son even said on my bithday im his best friend so it shows ive been good to them and always will be.

Hello MX,

Sorry you find yourself here.

There is so much I want to say, but I won't at this time.

This website has a good Healing Library and you need to avail yourself of it whenever you can. Pinned at the top of this forum is a post called the Tactical Primer.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/235051/tactical-primer/

You should read it a couple times.

Man, getting an STD from your wife is about as bad as anything I can imagine. A significant other is the very last person from whom you expect to catch a venereal disease. Really sorry.

Others will be along soon with some good suggestions. The saying here is to take what you need and can use and ignore the rest. Some suggestions might seem harsh, but they will be given to you with the best of intentions.

Good luck.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 6:32 PM, Wednesday, November 20th]

You need to look after yourself! Please do whatever is necessary to get some of this anxiety and grief under control
See a dr for anxiety meds and sleep
Get enough protein thru supplements like Ensure or eggs first thing in the morning.
Eat healthy
See a therapist for trauma.
See an attorney for information, and you need it to protect yourself

She sounds like she is spiraling up and down. You might think about a psychologist/psychiatrist to do an eval on her

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you've been given a reason to be here. Please read the posts pinned to the top of the forum, as well as the ones with the bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources and includes the list of acronyms we use.

I also recommend IC (individual counseling) for betrayal trauma. Please take care of yourself and your children.

She's projecting her thoughts/feelings onto you. You aren't controlling - she is.

See a solicitor for information about D (divorce). It doesn't mean you're going to file right that minute, but it will give you knowledge about the process and where you may stand.

One option available to you is to call her bluff.

"You f'd another man, gave me an std and now checking your phone is too controlling? Ok, why not split now, before Christmas? Why wait? You can't tolerate a simple check to ease my mind so you are clearly not committed to the marriage... let's take steps to move on now."

I would be interested to hear her reaction.

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY support Trdd’s suggestion. The key is: YOU MUST MEAN IT. Do NOT do this if you don’t have the confidence to follow through if necessary. If you’re merely bluffing, she may sniff that out and may well call your bluff. If you fold, she will consider you weak and lose even more respect for you. Resolve it in your mind you will follow through if necessary (insist she leaves now), and do as Trdd said. Hope you do. You’re being abused, and, sadly, many abused lose the confidence to stand up to their abuser. I also deeply advise individual counseling to explore why you’re willing to tolerate being abused. IC can be VERY helpful!

[This message edited by gr8ful at 4:55 PM, Wednesday, November 20th]

thanks everyone for commenting means a lot to me she is still trying to be nice to me calling and asking if i need anything etc
and making me food in the evening why is she like this just dont get it she went shopping today with another man from her work.
hes married but dont think hes the sought to be having an affair.im nice to her because of the kids and cooked for me all these years its like she has issues every so often in the marriage she has done this probably about 8 times in the marriage before were she has said she wants to leave then we kind of stay together again. I do worry what people will think when we do split up as we live in a small town were everybody talks about you so its hard i dont no what to do.

I do worry what people will think when we do split up as we live in a small town were everybody talks about you so its hard i dont no what to do.

I also worried about what people think - but people's memories are pretty short. Once the next thing happens they will move on. My WH's father had an A with a married woman in their town of 350 people. It was a HUGE deal for a very short time.

Ultimately staying in a miserable situation with someone who is not treating you the way that you want/need to be treated isn't working for you. Honestly it doesn't matter if your WS thinks you are overreacting, or whatever - if you NEED something you are not getting then you CAN (and should at least consider) leaving no matter what people think or say.

I do worry what people will think when we do split up as we live in a small town were everybody talks about you so its hard i dont no what to do.

If anyone asks you about why you split, merely say "Tried as I did, I just couldn’t get along with my wife’s boyfriend", shrug, then walk away. Done.

I would rather people talk crap about me than stay married to someone who is like your wife.

I'm sorry but she’s got some serious issues.

She basically cheats on you right under your nose. And has no clue of the disrespect she shows you.

BTW typical cheater behavior is to get caught and blame the betrayed spouse as "too controlling".

This sounds like a mental issue. Possibly bipolar II. Just a suggestion. I have a friend whose mother became paranoid in her 50s. I have already suggested a visit to a psychiatrist.

You also might just say "I’m done" and mean it.

It sounds like she picked up her old copy of the Cheater's Playbook and dusted it off for a fresh read. The signs are there that she's at it again.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Don't let there be a third opportunity.

latest update confronted her after she would hardly speak to me for a week was staying up in her bedroom as soon as i got home from work and noticed her demeanour had totally changed.
i asked her was there someone else she said no i was to controlling and she didnt want to stay together just for the kids.
she has lost weight and goes to the gym everyday also she is hardly at home now when i am.
i am upset that after 25 years together and having been a faithful good husband who always supported her feels like a kick to the stomach i feel quite low but she says we will be a couple until after xmas gives the kids a happy xmas etc.
cant believe she can treat me so bad after what she put me through 2 years ago feels awful but she has said she will move out and i will have to pay half of the house this is extremely stressful time now and putting on a brave face for the kids is very hard but im doing my best for them as i have 4 great kids who think alot of me and know that there mum cheated and caused me alot of pain.
thanks what information does anyone have that can help please.

Get a shark attorney and preemptively file. Go after her for everything you can.

I am so sorry but your wife has emotionally left your marriage. It looks like she tries something with any man in her orbit.
I absolutely support you seeing an attorney today.
You can’t go on like this. It will affect your health.

Sorry, but your wife is currently involved with someone else, or she’s anxious to get involved with someone else.

Read the Living in Limbo books by Michelle Langley (both of them). They fit my cheating wife like a glove, and I think you’ll find your wife in there, as well.

The books are not good news.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 11:38 PM, Friday, December 6th]

Christmas?
What does Christmas have to do with anything?
File for divorce TODAY citing her infidelity!

MX: It is possible that your wife is on drugs. These could be signs that she is using street drugs. My husband changed quickly and drastically while using cocaine and I couldn't figure out what was happening. I'm not making excuses for her, but it helps to know exactly what is happening.

This pretty typical WW stuff. She wants her home and security - the image and she wants to live like a sailor at sea. Non of this is healthy!

I'm not attacking you, but you've allowed the conditions for abuse to persist and she is in control and has faced 0 consequences. Not only do you need to get out of infidelity, you need to get out of abuse. You're married to an extreme taker. She wants to put you on the sidelines so your family can have a pretend normal Christmas, after all why should her affairs screw up her misguided notions of a family Christmas.

There is only one healthy way for you out of this shit show and it's exactly what your wife has been coaching you up on what your doing wrong. Let's substitute "control" for boundaries. Boundaries are the only way you can save yourself and your marriage. Boundaries about no communication with other men, boundaries about transparency, and boundaries about respectful treatment.

You can't heal her brokenness - that's her job. But you can step away from the relationship and stop living in her web of lies and control.

I would recommend blowing all this up as a starter. It may be helpful really consider filing for divorce on the grounds of infidelity and offering to take that process slow if she is willing to do real work.

You need to work on healing yourself. For this I would recommend IC and reading Steven Stonseys living and loving after betrayal. You're a victim of infidelity but your number one goal should be to become a survivor of infidelity. Imo a big part of your healing journey would be to do some real internal work to understand why you've tolerated so much abuse. For this the book no more Mr nice guy may help and you may look into a YouTube podcast guy named Bad Ass counseling who speaks alot about the relationship dynamics between an extreme giver and an extreme taker.

You seem like a loving decent man whose been put through hell. I hope this Christmas season the lord blesses you with some strength and peace.