Fit43 ( new member #83966) posted at 8:36 AM on Sunday, December 8th, 2024
Once you come to peace with a few things I believe you will find the strength to make the best decisions. The peace you seek is two fold imo for a betrayed husband. Truly accepting that non of this is your fault and that regardless of if the relationship is sustained or not you will be okay. Armed with that peace you will find the strength to create a better future for yourself. One of the best truisims I learned in affair recovery is that you can't ask for or create a better past.
Perhaps you feel guilty for your wife's infidelity. This is common amongst the betrayed. I wasn't loving or supporting enough. I didn't do enough or even more damaging I'm not good enough. All of this is a bullshit narrative. No one is perfect and even if you were perfect within your limitations - people with broken characters and flawed thought patterns will still seek out infidelity to mask their own short comings. You were good enough for her to be married to you for 25 yrs. You're good enough to be a damn good father. The cheating is 100 on her. The lying is 100 on her. These are her massive imperfections to own and fix.
DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 12:31 PM on Sunday, December 8th, 2024
Just want to add that this site and others are filled with 25+++ year marriages that have been blown up by marital treason. You are no alone in that regard by far. Sadly, it seems that "time in position" is clearly no shield against betrayal.
Youve received some good sdvice already. Im going to ask a differdnt question. What is it in you that would prevent you from putting yourself first and keep you from stopping the abuse from your wife? There is a thread over in general entitled "Behaviors That Are Not Helpful/Productive For Newly Betrayeds" that Id recommend you read and not because I started it, but because of the great contributions of others. Pay attention to the list I put together and ammended many times. If you relate to any of those attitudes and behaviors, you may want to deal with them and then move forward for your own interests.
[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 9:34 PM, Tuesday, December 10th]
"We are slow to believe that which, if believed, would hurt our feelings."
~ Ovid
gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 9:00 PM on Sunday, December 8th, 2024
Here’s that post DT referenced:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/663153/behaviors-that-are-not-helpful-productive-for-newly-betrayeds/
mx1974 (original poster new member #85466) posted at 4:21 PM on Monday, December 9th, 2024
thanks for all your messages of advice i will keep reading them they do help me and i will update the post again.
one thing i have noticed last few days is she gets very snappy with me if i say anything. she has more or less moved into the bedroom now. are well least i dont have to listen to her fake rubbish about bad anxiety all the time shes ok when shes out with her mates drinking all day life and soul of the party.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 4:41 PM on Monday, December 9th, 2024
Oopps. posted on wrong thread....
[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:55 PM, Monday, December 9th]
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Decorum ( member #47744) posted at 8:58 PM on Thursday, December 26th, 2024
Her behavior has a trajectory, and that is what you need to plot.
It seems clear to me it lands quite far away from you.
She is taking steps away from you as quickly as she can without looking like the bad guy.
She has chosen you for that roll because you are "controlling."
You can see where this goes.
She is not your friend, andcshe does not have your back, or any concerns.
What do you think the appropriate actions on your part should be?
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 2:30 AM on Friday, December 27th, 2024
I’m so over the people that use "anxiety" as an excuse or justification.
I think it’s time to out your needs and goals front and center. Keep moving forward - with it without her.
She’s either rowing the boat with you or she needs to find another canoe to ride in. If she’s not on your team and all in, you are settling for less than what you deserve.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
seaandsun ( member #79952) posted at 9:16 PM on Saturday, December 28th, 2024
Focus on your own health, continue therapy.
your story is sad
25 years of marriage / you don't know how many times your wife has cheated, she has infected you with a disease!
You stayed for the children, if you read what you wrote, staying in that house is not good for the children, you do not care about the traumas caused by problematic parents!
small town;
I think everyone around you knows about your wife's affairs and the state of your marriage, closing your eyes/turning your head is not enough to hide your situation.
The relationships in the towns are already a secret that everyone knows,
