SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a BS from years ago in a working healed marriage. We worked very very hard to save our marriage. I have a friend who knows of these trying times in my marriage and they are supportive of me as a person and in my healed marriage. They also have a current struggling marriage that has a past filled with good times, tough times, family hardship along with kids and everything else that a family comes along with.

They confided in me that they are currently having an affair and want to leave their marriage. They know I am a friend of the marriage and will encourage counseling which I am doing along with listening— but I am also kind of unsure where to turn. I am supportive of them and want them to be happy but I also feel that this new relationship is lustful and just an easy way to turn away from a marriage that is currently hard and stressful. They feel this is the connection they’ve been waiting for but also know it is wrong.

I am not against divorce in any way shape or form and I am not against healing a broken marriage either. I want my friend to find happiness wherever it may be and feel love as they deserve. With as much counseling as I’ve been through I wish I had the right answers or words to help guide them …

What I want to know … What do you wish a friend had told you before your spouse found out about your affair ? As a BS I have said to pause their other relationship and work on your marriage … but there is a huge part of me that wants to tell them to never tell their spouse bc I know how much it will ruin them. I also know from counseling that isn’t the right answer. Seeking advice from healing WS/BS

[This message edited by AB5151 at 1:29 AM, Saturday, October 19th]

  Moving to General

If you're covering up her A, then I would say that you are no longer a friend of the M. My advice? Tell her she needs to tell OBS by a certain time or that you will. And follow up. Your friend has already done the ruining, and OBS needs to know so he can make an informed decision with how he wants to live.

Put yourself in your old shoes. How would you feel if a friend knew and didn't say anything? I personally could not do that if I were a friend of both or even one. While you want her to be happy, she needs to do what is right. If she can't, then you can no longer be her friend.

I'd give them two days to come clean then tell their BS.

I agree w ThisIsFine ^^. Your only option is to give your friend say 48--72 hours to tell BS or you will have to do it for them.

You are watching someone get scammed, they are being robbed. My advice is they need to confess or else you are going to tell the BS.

When this comes out and you know it will, either the cheater ( for you spilling the beans) or the BS (for you keeping the secret) will no longer see you as a friend. Choose wisely. Be the friend you’d have wanted when you were being betrayed.

^^^

Leafields said it all.

Even knowing this brings me sick to my stomach bc I know the pain it causes.

However , I am still unsure if just saying own up to it is the right answer. They told their spouse they want separate and that’s when they were honest w me about what is happening. I just don’t think separating/running into the arms of someone new is the right answer and I also don’t think it will lead WS to the happiness they are searching.

Maybe my past is making it too personal? — Keep the thoughts /opinions coming they help!

I think Leafields summed it up very well. By withholding this information, you are not being a friend to the marriage, and you are not being a friend to the BS.

Maybe you should also offer the WS a copy of "Not Just Friends" when you talk to them about your boundaries.

I will never forgive those who knew and did nothing.

They feel this is the connection they’ve been waiting for but also know it is wrong.

Almost every WS in the history of ever had this same thought. This is not special. This is run-of-the-mill cheating.

Your friend put you in a difficult position. You're now an accessory to this "crime" by keeping quiet about it. She had to know that telling you was risky, because of your past. How do you feel keeping this secret?

IMO you are not a friend to the marriage, you are a friend to 1/2 of that marriage. I would tell my friend he has a couple of days to come clean. Otherwise, as a friend to him and his spouse, I have a moral sense of duty to inform her what is going on.

I would be hurt and angry if a friend of mine knew my wife was having an affair but kept to himself/herself because he/she felt it wasn't any of their business. Friends protect friends

It sounds like she is experiencing limerance. In a limerant affair there is an addiction involved. There are some great articles on "romantic infidelity" by dr frank Pittman that helped me see I was having a typical, predictable response to a the situation I created when I started the affair.

Oftentimes there is this self brainwashing thing that happens when in the affair bubble and I don’t think you will get her to see that. There is an exaggeration of their bs’s flaws as well as an equal exaggeration of the AP’s qualities.

Also the statistical rates of a relationship born of an affair actually working out is so low. Google that and share some of it.

Honestly, the best advice in these situations is for the bs to be told. I know that feels like a betrayal but the reality is the best chance you have at helping her to possibly pause is to bring her to those consequences more quickly. It’s sad but my husband finding out was the best bubble breaker, and it forced me to face myself and what was really going on in terms of my affair.

Maybe do it anonymously somehow, and I would inform the obs too. Because when the obs finds out the AP is far less likely to leave. Men statistically are cake eaters, though I am aware of a few who showed up here limerant.

I as you are aware, it’s best she get to the root of why she chose the affair rather than deal with her problems in a forthright way. People often do not stop an affair in their own, and the longer it goes on the more pain for everyone involved. She can not love herself and see things in a healthy way as long as she is actively in an affair. The kindest thing you can do for her is make sure the spouse knows. (The only time I wouldn’t advise is if said spouse is abusive and it’s dangerous to tell)

I have revealed three affairs to BS in my wife's friend circle. They are all still friends with me.

I can't say that it's in any way a guaranteed outcome that people will give you grace for doing the ethically right thing.

It only feels like a sticky situation because you are conflating conspiracy with loyalty.

My d-day was in 2010. Obs learned of the A about 10 days before I did. I'm still angry at him for not telling me.

I agree with everyone else - give your friend an deadline, and check with OBS after the deadline to make sure she confessed.

This is not a case of "minding your own business". She made it your business. And what kind of friend, would expect you to support her…as a BS yourself and I imagine she knows the trauma you experienced?? I can’t conceive the words I would have if a "friend" did that to me.

And honestly, as we all know, if she confessed, she will likely NOT tell her BS the full truth, so you still need to be honest with him.

Otherwise, yes…you will be an accomplice…pls do the right thing.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 4:32 PM, Friday, October 18th]

Once again, I find myself really appreciating the feedback in these forums.

It’s funny how things circle around. I am definitely feeling that sick to my stomach feel again. As I talk to my friend more - I think they are in complete la la land. It is feeling very toxic but I’m trying to persevere yet as a listener.

I would say I am
more of a friend to the one side of the marriage although I know and like their spouse so I may have misused that term. I asked how they would feel if I approached their AP and they did not like that at all. I’m leaning w a deadline approach but still listening to them and hearing them out. It is very new news just yet.

More feedback welcome. Thank you again.

Honestly, the best advice in these situations is for the bs to be told. I know that feels like a betrayal but the reality is the best chance you have at helping her to possibly pause is to bring her to those consequences more quickly.

100% agree. Same vibe as being willing to lose the marriage in order to save it.